Stress

Work is ridiculous.
I've been written up twice in the last week. One write up was because I forgot my tie.
Once.

My hours were cut severely. I worked yesterday (Monday) and now I don't work until Sunday.

Bree, the manager a step below me, wants my job. She thinks its my fault she isn't getting paid as much as me, but its really just because she sucks.

So I put in my two weeks notice. I'm sick of the constant power stuggle and being pushed around.
And my boss KNOWS I need my hours.

So I picked up more hours at my other job.
Now my boss called me and she wants me to come in and meet with her on Friday about my two weeks notice. Blarg.

My dad Is probably going to jail. His court date is on the 30th.
If he does go to jail, I'm going to have to move in with my younger brother and sister and support them. Being an adult sucks.

Christmas

Ate lots of fruit.
Spent wayyyy too much time with my family.
My brother is a spoiled little bitch.

Its sad how almost everywhere I go, I'm the fattest person there, but with my family I'm the smallest.

Working all day tomorrow.

I haven't slept much lately.

I don't understand what im not seeing

He tells me I'm beautiful, perfect, out of his league.

I don't understand. Its the other way around.

My dad has a court date on the 30th. He might be going to jail.
If he does, that means I'm going to have to move in with my younger sister and 9 year old brother. Good thing I have a second job.

My car is breaking down. One more bill to pay.

Its hard to keep my head above water, hard to keep swimming when I don't know how.

I have a lot going on right now.

Happy holidays.

Past 160.

Revolting.

He deserves me to be better than this.

Gotta bring on my A game. 150 by christmas? Doable.

December.

I took the job at Panera.
The bf and I are doing great.

i'm getting super fat. I havent weighed myself in about a week. I'm terrified.

I hope I get my period in a few days. That would be nice.

I tried donating blood today, but my hemoglobin was too low. So I ate a ton of food for nothing.


Need to get back on track.

Also. My boyfriend, Omar, likes playing with my fat more than my boobs.
FML. 

Torn.

So there's a big work scabdal becausd I'm a manager and I'm dating an employee.  I got fed up and applied with my old job at Panera.
I got the job.

Now I'm torn as to whether or not I should take it.

It would be nice to have some extra cash rolling in around christmas. And I still know how to do everything, I'd get promotional raises quick, and I'm starting at almost a dollar more than I was making before.

But. As it is, I already don't have much free time. That means even less sleep, and less tine with my man, EVEN less time for you guys (sad I know) ,and just overall less free time. Things at work have settled down. How long  would I even keep the job? And it would be sooo awkward quitting.

But. How do I tell the hiring manager, who is a friend of mine who is really excited for me to work there, that I dont want the job anymore?

Blargggg.

And I'm getting fat again.

Date nighttt

My date went very well. He bought me a rose and we went to see a movie. then we went to dinner. = ]

He'e been over everyday since. We're officially dating now. But my boss is mad because I'm dating a coworker.
Fuck that shit. I have an interview to get one of my old jobs back tomorrow. So it's her decision whether I stay or go.

He is probably the sweetest person ive ever dated. = ]
Hes adorable, and he speaks fluent spanish at home which is superrr hot. Hes a senior in high school, which means PROM! 

:D

My date is tomorrow!  He's so adorable and super cute. And his family speaks spanish at home and its super hot. Haha

I haven't been hungry lately.
153.8. 
Dropping slowly but surely.
I don't want this guy to think I'm a cow or anything.

Didn't eat today.

= ]

I have a date this week.
= ]


Fasted for 40 hours.
At a loaf of banana bread yesterday.
Fasting again. 

Hour 19.

Of fasting. How pathetic is that? Its the longest I've gone in a while.
Yesterday I had 4 tacos, potato oles, and a small pbj sandwich. Gross, but still okay.

I've given up on church boy. It woulnt work out anyway. He doesn't like me like that.

A new guy I work with just asked for my number. He's cute and really tall, but kinda looks like my uncle. Haha

Working 8am to 1230 am. Well see if I can manage not to binge.

Someone is cooking turkey.

It smells like thanksgiving and christmas.
I feel like one of those people that wander around on christmas eve, staring in the windows of all the happy families.

Why can't my family be like that? Instead of baking a family meal, we fight over who has to do it.
Insead of saying thank you or I love you, we call each other fatass, cunt, whore.

I was an hour early for work. I don't know how that put me in such a terrible mood, but it did.

Its cold. My mittens are in my other jacket. My nose is running.
I'm worried about kelpie and her really strange post on pt.

What is it about me that blends into the background?
Why am I so obnoxious and loud and fat and unprofessional? I'm a joke.

I worked out today.
158.0.
Haven't eaten. Hopefully it will stay that way.

I don't even know what its like to live in a house anymore. There is so much unneccessary space, I can't even fathom needing one.

So many rooms. For what? What do you need all that space for? I haven't lived in a house for almost 6 years.

I'm just in a really strange mood tonight.

Take care. Xxxx

The wrong shape.

So I put on my halloween costume (an engineer) for a late party I was going to amd I went to show my sister so she could help me find leggings to go with it, and of course, my bitch of a mother was with my sister.

"You aren't seriously wearing that, are you?"
"Okay, skank."
"Your shape is all wrong for that outfit."
"Don't wear that."
"You're to big for that."
"Shouldn't you have gotten a bigger size?"
"Your hips are too big."
"Your ass looks huge."
"Your thighs are oozing out. Its gross."
"Okay, thunder thighs."

And then earlier I was talking about how we should have salads for dinner because my brother was getting pudgy, and my mom said, "well you aren't very skinny either."

Greatttt. My brother is nine and weighs 117. I'm ten years older and at 155 and I'm the fat one? Great to hear mom.

Plus the endless remarks about my fat butt, my huge thighs, my tummy and just in general about how I'm a fatty.
Yeah. That's working great for me.

Binged today. Not weighing myself until Friday.
Working out then going to sleep.

Here's a pic of my costume, minus the huge butt and thunder thighs.

Also I cut my bangs today. My makeup is smudged. Ignore that please.

Come, come, we'll marry the night.

I'm so tired.

zombiesylvie.tumblr.com



Shower, cut, then sleep.

Fruit binge tomorrow and nothing else. 

Happy Halloween.

Unfortunately Im working. -_-

We all want to create something magical. 

Why can't I be one of the pretty girls?

I'm probably going to make a tumblr soon. 

That doesnt mean I'm going to neglect any of you [more than I am now]. 

Against my better judgement...

I weighed myself. I ate normally today, but it just proves that eating normally will lead to gain.

159.8.

I cried.
Then cut.
Then cried a bit more.

I WILL fast tomorrow. 
This is ridiculous.
Hopefully the cuts will remind me to stop being a fat, pathetic, fucking failure.

Its no wonder no one wants me. I'm repulsive.

I havent weighed myself in about a week.

I'm terrified. I've been binging all week.

My ex is single again. He cheated on me with my best friend and has been seeing her for almost a year now. I have no idea why they broke up.
I don't know how I feel about this. I think its going to be another trigger.

At first I laughed. Stupid stupid people. She moved three hours away to be with him, got a job and an apartment, severed ties with her family. And now its over. Hah. Dumb bitch.

But what does it mean? Why?
He deleted me off facebook a few months ago. Childish, I know. But what do I do if he wants to start talking to me again?

I don't know. I have no idea and I don't want to think about it right now.

I'm so tired.

I want to cut so bad right now.
I want to take a few bottles of pills and cut my body all over and then go to bed.

I've eaten an obscene amount. I have tomorrows intake all planned out. I'm not checking the scale until Sunday morning.

I told the guy I like that I had feelings for him. He doesn't feel the same.

I got my first driving ticket today. It was for a seatbelt violation. Fml.

Working all weekend. Ill update when I can.

I cant motivate myself to get out of bed today.

So ill just sleep allllll day.

Im so fucking fat im about to literally cry.

Imma go die in a hole now. And not eat.

Salad with family tomorrow.
Then nothing.
And nothing.
And nothing.

I'm so sick of this shit. I'm fucking sick.
I feel sick.

Fuck fuck FUCK.

I wanna go jump off a bridge. But I know I wont.
We'll see how I feel next week.
We'll see how much of a fucking failure I am then.

I hate myself so much.
I just want everything to stop.
Just. Stop it.

I want time to stop moving. I want life to be easy again.

I want to be loved.
I want to be able to feel pretty.
I want to feel like I deserve something.
I want to feel proud of myself.
I want to feel like I don't have to try so hard.

I just want to feel.
I want to feel something other than this sick, crippling depression. 

I dont want to talk to anyone.
I don't want to leave the house.
I don't want to stay here.

I'm so sick of being a failure. I want to accomplish something. I want to make a difference.

I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
Never have to face the next day. Never have to think.

Just. Sleep.
Forever.

Wouldn't that be great?

A very black mood.

I'm at the doctors office for a pap smear. (Gross I know) I've been waiting in this tiny room for more than half an hour. Fuck.
And my anxiety is really bad. I'm freaking out. I'm about to leave.
I felt like shit this morning so I put on a perfume I don't normally wear and its triggering a bunch of old memories from when I used to wear it.
Speaking of triggering. I had a really really triggering dream last night.
And I'm fat.
And short.
When I get home, im gonna cut the shit out of my hips.
------

Home. Im actually on my laptop for the first time in weeks.
I didnt have a pap smear.

I lied already so much today.
"Do you smoke?"
"No."
"And how often do you drink?"
"Occasionally. Not much."
"What about abuse?"
"What do you mean? Like physically..?"
"Physically. Sexually. Emotionally."
"Nope, never."

The stupid lady almost gave me a heart attack. We were about done and then she pulled up my weight chart on the computer.
"One more thing we have to talk about." -insert heart stop-
"Your weight has been on a steady decline." -stops breathing-
"Which is good. A lower weight is always good."

You have no idea.

Well then.

I'm good enough to fuck. Occasionally.
But I'm not good enough to date.

So what's left?

After binge.

154.0

Fasting tomorrow. Can only eat after 6 on weds.
Fast thurs and Friday.

Fat and disgusting (the usual.)

Binged. Weight unknown.

So I kinda have a thing for two guys. Which is saying something due to my intense fear of relationships.

I've liked dan for a few months now. He's younger, religious, a virgin, and doesn't want to date.

Cam I've liked for a.few weeks. He's very flirty and in a band. Also, he's adorable and super sexy at the same time.

So I told dan that I liked two people. I ended up telling hin one was cam, and we haven't really talked since. I'm getting the vibe he's mad at me, but he said he wasn't.

If he is mad, I don't know if it would be about the cam thing. He said he likes me like a good friend, and that's all. And that he doesn't want to date anyone for a while and he hasn't even liked anyone in a while.

So I'm fruatrated about that.

Meanwhile. Cam is super flirty with me. I meam, he's super flirty with everyone, but it seems like he focuses his attention on me.

But then, today he was talking about how he has a date with this girl he likes on Friday. He kept bringing it up so I'm not sure if he was trying to make me jealous?  I told hin to nake sure he makes her feel special, and to make sure she knows that he flirts with her a lot more than anyone else. So we'll see if his behavior changes with me? And then he was talking about his high school woman drama and how they freak out about everything and then he told me that he really liked how mature I am, and how I can keep my emotions in check.

And then on top of all that, I'm supposed to hang out with both dan and cam tomorrow, but neither of them has said anything about it.

Blah. Sounds like a hell of a lot of drama to me.

I'm jusy gonna not do anything. And avoid my problems like I always do.

Fuck. I'm just a whiny bitch.

Disregard this post.

I have a headache.

Binge.

152.4

First manager shift.

I'm heading in right now. Eeeek! Wish me luck!

But you know that you're toxiccc.

Bad day today. 

I had a breakdown at work. 

Long story short, I fucked a lot of orders up, felt like shit and almost quit because I suck at everything. 

Almost got my ears pierced again today. 

I ate too much. 

But really it wasn't that much. 

I feel like an object. 

I feel ugly and fat and terrible. 

Time to put away my skirts and leggings and take out my fat pants and hoodies. 

Shower/weight/purge/cut time. Soon. 

Going to the beach tomorrow because it's been ridiculously warm for a minnesota october. 80 degrees? really? 

I dont really wanna go. I'm gonna feel like a whale. But I cant keep putting my friend off. 

SIGHHH. 

Im tired. 

And of course, the one guy I would actually think about dating doesnt like me. 

So tired. 

I start manager training on friday.
Woo. 

Dear sir.

Is it pathetic that I am still in love with you? Even after all this time, and after everything you did to me. Everything you put me through. Is it pathetic that I still love you?
I miss you so much. Still.

154.0

http://www.flickr.com/photos/smengvall/6206589744/lightbox/

Im gonna go cut now.

Changes.

Binged.

158.4.

I'm a fucking failure.

Cut a little bit. More in store for tomorrow.

Working out tomorrow.

Abuse of diet pills starts up again tomorrow.

Is it safe to mix hydroxycut and appetite suppressants?
Do I care?
Not really.

My interview for my manager position is tomorrow.
Fake it til you make it, baby.

I'm disgusting.
Repulsive.

That hot guy that wants to get with me?
Its a joke.
He's going to stand me up.
Laugh at my fat fucking body.
Take pictures and show all his friends how disgusting I am.

Look at the ugly fat girl who pretends that someone will find her attractive.
Point and laugh.
It'll be like some carrie shit or something.

Relapse?
You betcha.

Fasting tomorrow.
A fail will result in a mass mutilation of my body, with diet pill overdose.

Don't fuck this shit up.
Again.

Stop fucking shit up.
Try, just once, to not be a fucking failure.

Kthanxbye.

Tats.

Also. Here is the best pic I have right now of my newest tattoo. Its a bunch of birds with "nevermore" underneath.
Have a nice day.



I'm planning on bruising tomorrow. 

Up in the middle of the night.

My best friend is having a life crisis. He doesnt know what he wants to do.
Its all good. Neither do I.


I dont know how I feel about that party.
I gave 5 lap dances and grinded on 7 different people. Made out with I dont remember. 4 I think?
This guy I work with, who turned 21? We somehow ended up in his room and before I knew it, my clothes were off of me. Then we were having sex. When I realized what was going on, I pushed him off of me.
No one at work knows what really happened. They think we just had sex. So everyone thinks Im a whore.

Whatever.
Food intake good yesterday.
Terrible today.


Theres this superrrr hot guy who thinks I have a hot ass. We're hooking up when hes back in town.

A manager where I work quit, so I'm getting pushed through to her old position.


I dont really have more to say i dont think.

I havent been working out enough.
Ive been eating too much.
Im hoping I can make 145 before that booty call. 

I am strong.

Fuck this shit. I dont need you.  (Not you.)

I don't need anyone. I'm independent.
I can manage everything alone.

I can do this.
I am strong.
I will fight.

Triggered.

My phone wont let me read other blogs.
So I came on to read them. 4 weeks worth.
Done.

The first blog was a photo blog. full of thinspo.
I forgot how triggering it was. and how badly I wanted it. How much I crave it.
Everything. Nothing.

My blog has been so boring lately. I'm sorry.
155.4
Not 137.6. That was my low weight. I forgot how much I missed it.

Its that feeling you get when you look at a good thinspo picture and how your heart drops. Sinks. Tightens.


I want this.
So bad.


I went on a date last night with a really innocent and adorable guy from work. We clicked pretty well but we wouldnt be having sex either. Hes a wait until marraige type of guy.
Nate called me 19 times during and texted me 9.

Fuck.

Theres a party im going to on friday. Imma wear my panda dress. :D 

Concordia

I'm there now! My key still works for all the doors.

154.6

Nate keeps calling and texting me. He seriously wont leave me alone.

Uhm. Lets see. What else is new.

My sister and I started hydroxycut. I've had a few binge days and I'm not seeing too much damage. Its bearable.

I had sex with the guy that kissed me. Holy shit.
I forgot how big of a dick he had.
No regrets. Haha

Got drunk last night. Getting drunk tonight.

I'm outie! Peace!

I broke up with nate.

157.4.

I just don't think I feel the same way about him anymore. I felt like I wasn't actually trying or putting anything into the relationship but rather I was just going along for the ride.

And I miss being single.

He keeps calling and texting me asking for another chance. He'd do anything. He doesn't know what to do now. I meant everything to him. Can we please try again?

This is why I hate relationships. Fuck. Not worth it. I feel terrible.

I feel like such a bitch.

I went shopping on thurs. Spent $300. Bought a cute panda dress! 

Im suffocating.

I feel trapped. I just don't know.

Nate and I have been bickering so much lately. He's really getting on my nerves.
Id break up with him but then he goes kn and on about how he loves me and I was the best thing that ever happened to him and shit and how he would do anything to be with me.

I need a vacation.

Relationships suck.

I'm happier when I'm not happy.

I ate so.much fucking food today.
Dhshbdjfidbsnsjzkeo.

I'm quitting Culvers (my morning job).
Panera, my first job, will probably give me $8 an hour if I come back.  Beats the 775 that they're giving me now.

And my boss at burger king just gave me the manager pretest. Once I get three 100%s on it, I can take the real one. I've done it five times already. I got 70, 74, 88, 92 and 92. So close. Damn.

Bickering with nate while at work. Hah. I'm always working.

I just ripped my toenail off.

Fucking couch. It hurts like a bitch now.

I told nate to go do something today because I didnt want to put up with him. I wanted to do what I used to do. I wanted it to be normal.

So I have another hour to sit on here and PT/THIN and fuck around like I used to. Its great.

I havent weighted myself in a few days.

Food intake yesterday was bad.
Today is goodish I think. I had a pumpkin lemonade thing at work. and thats it. 350 cals? Hopefully I wont have anything else. Buttt. I dont know. I almost made a pb&j sandwich. So we'll see I guess.

I feel disgusting. I want to be a decent weight before I visit my old college again. Im gonna guess my weight at 158.

This time last year I was 164.
kjHgflaskjd.

My best friend and I are getting super drunk tonight.



My ex deleted me from facebook. This shouldnt upset me as much as it does.

Anxiety

I just feel trapped and stressed and I'm just freaking out about everything.

I'm too fat.
I'm a failure. I'm not going to college and I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.
I'm working two jobs and both of them want me to quit the other one. In working 40 hours at 850 an hour and hate it, and I'm working 20 - 25 at the other and only making 775 and I hate it a lot less.

I'm fat.
I'm hideous and replusive.

I dont fit in. People don't like me. People don't miss me. I'm boring and too busy and not busy enough.

Its been more than 9 months and I'm still hung up on my ex. I would probably still take him back and just thinking about him makes me feel like shit.
Like I'm not pretty enough or skinny enough or smart enough or good enough. There was a lot of shit wrong in that relationship but there is a lot good about it. And just imagining him with another woman makes me grind my teeth and I have to fight back tears.
Sure,  never knowing love sucks. It's agonizing. I remember being there. But then knowing love and having everything good about it, and then losing it? That's so much worse.
Its not like you dont know what you're missing. You don't have that ignorant bliss. You know what you're missing and it sucks.

Also. I can't make cookies. I fail.

I started bruising again. Don't tell nate.

I miss being single.

I feel trapped. And fat. And just.. ugh.

My best friend leaves for college Thursday. We've gone to school together since 1st grade. We're sophomores in college. Its sad. I feel really anxious and lost. 

I just feel... confined.

On my phone!

I just downloaded the blogger app so maybe I can actually update.

I got a new phone. Its a droid optimus v.

Birthday went well.

162. I feel like shit.
Relationship anxiety.
I miss all of you. I miss being alone.

Ive been busy. Soooo busy
So tired.

Ill update more soon. But I tend to say that a lot.

Oops/Story time.

I know I said I would update, but I havent had time.

Tuesday: Dropped nate off, baked banana bread, slept, went to work, got home, skyped nate, slept.
Weds: Woke up, went to work, napped, went to work, skyped nate, bed.
Thurs. Woke up. Work. Errands. Work. Skype. Bed.
Friday. Wake. Work. Scandal. Work. Phone call. Bed.
Today. Wake. Work. Nap. Work. Blog.

Nate was supposed to come online but he was really tired so I think he fell asleep.

Didnt fast this week like I planned.
Binged tonight.
161.8. KJLFSD

God. I'm so mad at myself. Still down two lbs from last week I guess... Ugh.
Im disgusting.
Repulsive. Dumb stupid whore bitch fatass weak useless lazy fatty.


Nat is back tuesday night.
Tomorrow I work 11-3, then I have to do laundry, packing, cleaning, blah blah blah. Then im drinking with my sister, her friends, and my best friend.

I work 11-3 on my birthday. LAME. But Nate wants to take me out to a nice dinner and such. And im getting a new phone that day too, because its also PAYDAY. Woop woop!

Anyway. Scandal.
So there is this other guy I work with, Clay. We had sex once more than a year ago. He keeps flirting with me and such at work. He'll make little sexual comments and he grabbed my ass once. I never said anything about it to nate because A: This guy is really hot [Im a terrible person, I know, but I want him so bad.] B: because nate would be SUPER pissed and C: because he is a pretty good friend of mine.

That being said, we hung out after work[/before second job]. I didnt tell nate. I told him I was taking a nap. So the whole time he was making little sexual comments [like "I'll bend you over that fence," "get on that counter," "if you want your phone back, you have to take your top off" stuff like that.] and I would just tell him he was being an ass and to knock it off. We were just messing around. Then he started grabbing my ass randomly and my boobs and stuff.

He wanted to show me this giant boulder he found and then he told me to climb it. It was taller than I was. I told him I couldnt. He took my phone out of my back pocket and put it on top of the boulder, so i had to go get it. When I was looking for a place to climb up he pressed me against the rock and started kissing my neck.

That threw me over the edge. You know how that spot is really sensitive and such? Yeah. That turns me on. SO BAD. I honestly considered cheating on nate. And I feel terrible for legitly considering it, but Ive ALWAYS wanted this guy. And I was facing the rock and he was behind me and pressed up against me. Yeah, he was hard. And it was really really hot. I ended up pushing him away and we moved on [we were taking a walk].

Then we were going over this hill and he said something like "If I beat you to the top I'm going to throw you down on the grass." [sexually of course]

So he beat me.
And he did.

He picked me up and set me on the grass and sat on top of me. He was still hard. and  he pinned my arms down which i ALSO find really hot. Then he kept trying to kiss me and I kept turning my head away. He pinned my arms next to my head so I couldnt move it at all and kissed me anyway. I wanted to give in so bad. I wanted to forget everything and just kiss back, but I resisted. He gave up and let me up.

Fuck. I still want him. Anyway, I ended up feeling terrible about it, so I called nate and told him. He was pissed, and we agreed that I wouldnt hang out with him outside of work, and I deleted his number.

I feel so stupid. I thought he just wanted to hang out you know? Silly, stupid, naive girl.



Nate is awake. He did fall asleep, but he's up now.

My hands hurt so bad. Theyre all cut up because of work.


I need to stop fucking up.
I need control.

I feel so disorganized and hectic and chaotic and just out of control. 

Soon

Nate is leaving on vacation tomorrow night.
I'll update tuesday night hopefully. Sorry.

I have two jobs, a large family, friends, and a boyfriend. Sorry.

SOOON.
He will be gone for a week, so expect to see a lot of me. = ]

Im flabby.
Ive gained too much.
I miss 137. What the hell happened.
Fuck you, 163.

I'm going to a super early bday lunch with my family tomorrow.
That's all im gonna eat.
Then fasting until nate is back from tennassee. Its like, a week.
I dont want his friend to think im a total fatass.

I need a gym membership.
I need control.
I tried recover this weekend.
Nope. Fuck that shit.

I need to fast.
I need to be alone.
I need to work out.
I need to jog.

I need a gym membership. But. I have no time.
I work 20 hours a week at Culvers, then 40 at Burger king.
So. An average day for me is work 11-3 at culvers, then 5-1AM at burger king. Bed around two or three, then do it all again. Nap in between.

That has been my life.
Fries. Kill my soul. Salt is a HUGE weakness of mine.
So are Oreos. But we wont go there.

Got my next tattoo. I'll take/post a pic soonish. Its a bunch of birds flying off my shoulder with "nevermore" underneath it. Its pretty. It would be prettier if my collarbones actually didnt suck.


God Im gross.

My birthday is in ten days.
I will be 19.
And just as fat as last year.

I want to cry.
A whole year. And Ive made no progress.


Fuck. 

I missed something.

Love<3 is gone. What happened to him? I havent had time to figure shit out. I havent been on PT.
FUCK. Shit.

Grad parties tomorrow.
Been eating too much.
Did okay today.

The usual.

Uhm. Yeah. I think that about all of interest. Not much else to say. I dont think....

Sorry for lack of update.

But i have literally been with nate, like, every second. [besides work]
HES IN THE SHOWER NOW so update!

Uhm. Ive been eating too much.
Still same weight-ish I think.
Nate is used to me not eating much, so restricting isnt going TOO badly.

I work thursday night so I cant go see THE FUCKING HARRY POTTER MOVIE.
Even though I requested it off because thurs is ALSO my younger brothers birthday. He turns 9. = ]
FUCK. I'm gonna have to go friday. LAME. Throw rocks at me.

Friday I'mn gonna try and switch shifts so I can go to the gay 90's dance club again. they are having a FUCKING FOAM PARTY that day! AWE YEAH.

I went to a super epic work party last night.
Nate is just amazing. He wasnt clinggy all night, he gave me my space, and he didnt like punch anyone out, and accepted the fact that I flirt with everyone. Haha.

And I was one of two girls that was there and I was looking fucking hot so guys were all over me. Aw yeah. = ] It was great for my self esteem actually. I was grinding and making out with the other girl [my friend bree who is a bit chunkier] and Nate was cool with it. Hah.

I was really nice and friendly and took care of everyone. It was nice. I drank a shit ton so I was really far gone.

Before I went to sleep that night, Nate said he loved me. I dont know how I feel about that. Ive been trying to think about it but I havent had time. Im afraid. I dont know. I told him I dont remember anything after passing out on their couch, but I lied. I remember bits and pieces. Like that and the fact that the other guy I went on a date with [AJ] was crying. I felt terrible.

Nate and I went on a picnic today and made blueberry bread and fruit salad. I have pictures, Illl get them up when I can.

At the party, there was thiis guy I used to be friends with but lost touch with. Anyway, I guess he was trying to get me to undress and such but I dont remember that. Supposedly he said to take my pants off, and I laughed and said I wasnt wearing any [I was wearing a dress].

I think the most embarrassing thing I did was dance in front of everyone. It was fun. But everyone was all staring at me and such and I felt like a dumb ass. Then Nate came and gave me a hug. I hugged everyone at the party twice.
I lost the game Never Have I Ever. you know. Where you have 5 fingers, and you say something like "Never have i ever had anal sex" or something like that, and if you have done it, you put a finger down and take a drink/shot. I lose like, every time. Haha Ive done like everything.

Did some pot. Ate some [cheeseless] pizza.
NATE IS OUT OF THE SHOWER NOW. More later hopefully. Or when I can. Maybe tomorrow night? We'll see. I was gonna stay home I think but hey. what happens happens.

GOGOGOGOGOGO

Nate is in the shower.
HURRY.

Uhm. Have been eating too much lately. "Normal" amounts I would guess, but hey. It still freaks me out.

I'll deff post more on monday. I told Nate that is going to be a "me" day, so I have time to take care of shit. Like laundry and such. Cleaning. Work out. the works.

Went to a music festival today. Jordan took some nice pics of me. Haha. I hope he puts them up soon!

A bunch of the women there were just pretty much stunning. Like there was this one girl wearing a really REALLY pretty dress, and she must have been under 100 lbs, so was so tiny and just PERFECT.

It was a really triggering day for me.

Not eating much if at all tomorrow.
Same goes for monday?
Hopefully.

This shit needs to stop. Fuck this plateau shit.

Also. I'm really worried about Naz. Go cheer her up please? [Got2Purge]

Another thing.

PT is just not doing it for me anymore, so if you dotn see me around much its because
A: Ive been busy.
B. I'm on TheHelpINeed [you know, that website Luna made. There is a link in her sig, and it still uses your webs ID and such. Its great. :D]


I'm so lucky for nate. Like really. He doesntquestion how much I dont eat, he rolls with it. And buying food [namely my indecisiveness]? Yeah. He rolls with that too.

More later, hes out of the shower!

Late last night and the night before...

Been with nate, like every free minute.

I'm home now for about another half hour. Hah. Then work.

IT WONT LET ME BUY MY HARRY POTTER TICKETS. JFSLDGD>ALHKF
FUCK. Damn.

Ill try again later.

Today was a binge day. In my defense, I havent had a binge day in a while. And I drank a LOT last night so I was super hungover this morning.
Tomorrow will be complete with heavy restricting. Haha

Drinking on Saturday, too.

Crazy work party on monday.

[Nate keeps a lot of booze, and also enjoys drinking.]

I have no idea what I weigh. I dont think Ive gained. Maybe now because I binged, but we'll see eventually.

Pay day todayyyyy. :D

OKAY. So.

Nate is at a job interview.

Basically. Nate got fired from our work, where he was just promoted to manager, because he has a PENDING felony.
Great.
Anyway, they supposedly dropped the charges and whatnot and everything was worked out, but I guess thats still enough to get fired. So now he already has an interview. It's just walmart, but hey, a job is a job, right?

We had sex last night and it was considerably less awkward. Which is good.

Lately, I wake up [at nates], go to work, come home quick and shower, then go back to nates.
He lives alone. He likes company I guess. Haha
We are officially dating btw. Facebook official.

I guess PT went through a bunch of drama [again]? I dont know. I havent been on in too long. Ill have to see what I can find.

I dont know what my weight is. Still too much, but enough that I'm not freaking out about it.
Ive been eating around 1200 cals/day? I think?
Im not entirely sure.
I havent purged in I dont know how many days.

I dont think I have anything more else to add? Hum.
I dont think so....



WHOA.
WHAT THE FUCK.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT.

DAMNIT. I HATE it when they change Pts layout! LKDHLFKJJSAJ
----
I feel fat.
Like, huge.
gross. disgusting.
Ugh.

I say "chin up" to people when theyre sad a lot.
It reminds me of drumline and marching band and the phrase "Fake it 'til you make it."
You know?

Keep your head high. Push through everything.
Ignore the pain.
Ignore the tears.
Blank.
Empty.
Your heart is on fire and your mind is on ice.
Hearts on fire, minds on ice.
Just keep going. Don't look back. Think about what is ahead.

Chin up.
Confidence.
Fake it till you make it.

That was a bad ED year for me.
Pretty sure my bulimia started then.
Heavy restricting. Too much physical activity.


I might leave PT, too. Not about the drama, I just dont like change. 

more later

ive been at nates like, every free minute. He is in bed now. Im drunk.

Anyway. Sleepy time.

Im still alive. I'll update when I can. Maybe [later] today or tomorrow.

Sorry. I still love you guys, I promise!

Everclear?

Holy shit. Nothing was clear at all. That shit got me pretty fucked up.
Jordan and I measured out a shot of it and mixed it with a full cup of juice.
Then he said, "Supposedly, when you first drink this, you're supposed to take one shot of it, then throw another in a fire, just so you know what you're fucking with."

Holy shit it was strong.
Nate, that douchebag. He LOVES hard nasty tasting shit.
HE DRANK THAT SHIT.
RIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE.
WITHOUT FLINCHING.
AND WITHOUT A CHASER.

dffskhalkjsdfgyugf
SICK.
He said it was like tequila, but it burned all the way down and about 10 times stronger. Haha
Anyway. Jordan and I decided it would be a great idea to go to taco bell, so we did and WE GOT SO MUCH FOOD.

ugh.
Jordan ordered 4 potato tacos, an order or cheesy fiesta potatoes, and an order of nachos. Haha
I got 3 fresco bean burritos and a side of just the potatoes. Soooo... Compared to what jojo got... I feel okay.. But added with the subway kids meal I had earlier, and the four slices of "pizza..." Ugh.


OH.
OH.
I forgot to mention this earlier!
I FOUND FOOD OF THE GODS.
Not only did I find 0 calorie Chocolate sauce, caramel sauce and marshmallow topping [which does NOT contain gelatin so I can have it :D] I also found [vegan] ICE CREAM.
OF THE GODS.

Its a brand called Arctic Zero. Comes in a bunch of diff flavors. On the container it says the whole pint is only 150 calories.
I though, "Psh. Thats a fucking lie. They must mean servings. 150 cals per serving sounds right."\
NOPE. ITS LEGIT. 37 cals per serving. With 4 servings per container. 148 cals.
AW YEAH.

CAPS.
BECAUSE IM SO FUCKING EXCITED.

I always make a lot of lines for everything I write here.
Its easier for me to read. Haha.

No idea what my weight is. lalalala
Hum
I dont know
Ill find out eventually.
Prolly not eating much today, if at all.

I have to get ready for work in like, 15 min [Just enough time to check PT and tell everyone about my miraculous discovery] then I'll be at work, I dont fucking eat there really. Then Im going over to Nates again after work. So. The hard part will be if he decides to go somewhere after work.

I hope not.
I dont want to eat.
I dont want him to pay for me [which he would]
And I'm already like, out of money.

kajlfh



Also. I just tried to post this and it didnt work so I freaked out for a minute because I though blogger would have lost everything I just wrote...
anyway.

have a good day.
kthanksbye.
---

Just kidding again.
Webs is freaking out.
So.
No PT for me. Oh well. I have plenty of things I should be doing instead. 

I just want to be pretty.

Pretty girls are way more triggering for me than skinny ones.

Hope everyone's day is going better than mine. Take care and stay safe. 

Haha I love you guys.

50 followers. WHOOP WHOOP!
Haha Im pretty lameeee. Yep yep yep.

Love<3, you KNOW you were my best lay. ;]

Hahahahaa anywayyyyy

Havent had said booty call yet. It'll happennnn. hopefully at least.
Then i was supposed to have a date with this one guy last night but he never said anything about it so whatevs. Hah.


I dont remember what I came on here to say.
So ill just ramble about my boring life.

I practiced today. Hah. Which i like, never do. Haha
I applied for the college im transferring to [better late than never right?]
I havent eaten today.
I ate too much yesterday [ a peanut butter sandwich, a bunch of grapes, some carrots and almost a whole bag of veggie chicken.] Didnt purge.
Purged the night before. Everything came up really easy. Like my body actually WANTED to get rid of it.
BTW, smoking after purging is just a bad idea. It just... burns. Ugh.

hm hum. Havent worked out yet. Going to do that soonish. I think.

I have a sticker ont he back of my phone that says "23. " I found it on a dress I wore the other day. I thought they meant that was the size of the dress and I freaked out.

Have you noticed? People are never happy with their age.
When you are a kid you always just wanna grow up.
middle school kids always wanna be in high school.
High school kids just wanna go to college.
In college, you just wanna move on to a regular, stable adult life. You know. Get married, have kids.
Then sometime around the kid stage shit reverses.
you wish you didnt have kids. You wish you were a newlywed. You could be in college and party all the time.
And so on.

I wish i could just skip forward in time. past all this [necessary] bullshit and just jump to a further point in my life.
Im pretty sure everyone does it to an extent, but when I was a kid I always imagined how I would be when I was older, and kind of idolized myself. Hah. Like I always imagined me in high school, as that wicked awesome babysitter. Blonde. Hot. Super long perfect legs. Vegan [just because it sounded cool, I didnt think about the actualtities of it then] and loving the earth and such.

Or when I went through my emo/goth/whatever stage I pictured myself with long dark brown hair living in a castle instead of going to college and reading dark magic and gaining eternal knowledge by candlelight, while wearing huge gothic, elegant dressed.

Hah.
Now I see myself in the future as normal I think.
I wish I was at a point in my life where I was married and with kids on the way. Like, I wish I could just skip forward to my wedding day. Haha. No decisions. No second guessing. Just... go.
College out of the way. A steady job. A house. Thin. No big deal. The normal.
Dont have to worry about the steps to get there. No second guessing. No anxiety.

How will I pay for a wedding?
How will I support a family?
Fuck that. How will I pay for COLLEGE?
Is college worth it?
Is this guy the one?
Am I wasting my time?
How will I pay for retirement?
Money money money.

Money can't buy you happiness.
Just peace of mind, which is pretty damn close.
I'm so shallow.

Anyway.
Its just been a few of those days. I just feel really SUPER disgusting and flabby and such. Its just... ick.
I want a fucking cookie.
Yep. I feel pretty gross.
The scale said 150.8. I dont know if I believe it. I feel too flabby and disgusting.
Food porn sounds pretty awesome. I might do that.

Nate was going to talk to a friend of ours today. He said it was something about a surprise for me, and that I shouldnt worry, I'll laugh.
I dont like surprises.
But I do.

I dont like the suspense of surprises. I always worry about what it is, if I'll like it, when to expect it... blah blah blah.

Im done ranting and freaking out.

Hope you are having a nice day.
Its supposed to be over 100 here on thursday.
Finally. Maybe then I wont be cold.

Are you still reading this? Did you get bored? Do you even care that much?
People always ask that in their blogs. Of course I read them. If I follow you, I care.
I just cant fathom why anyone would find my life interesting. Its strange for me.
So props to you if you're still reading.

Proud of you. Hah.

150.8.
Hum.
----

Edit.
Binging right now.
Its a fuckign weird binge.
It started because I literally DRANK caramel out of the bottle.
Then I moved on to some chocolate.
Then I had a little bit of ketchup [All straight from the bottle]
Then I heated some potatoes.
Not I'm working on half a box of noodles with vegan butter.

Gonna go purge, then hang out with nate. Prolly eat some [vegan] ice cream with him.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDBDR4uZxek
Go listen to this song.
right now. 

I want to cut.

I cant though, because...

I HAVE A BOOTY CALLLLLL. Haha
Its the second guy I ever had sex with. Second best lay, too.
YES.

I havent had good sex in way toooo long.
I ate 3 peanut butter sandwiches already today.
Fuck fuck fuck.

Im done for the day.
Idk if ill end up eating tomorrow. We're getting drunk so who knows what the fuck will happen.
And its fucking everclear.
Illegal in 10 states [including mine] and 190 proof. The highest proof you can get.
Hah.  It will be interesting.

Im so tired. 

Update of the sexual nature.

So nate and I had sex.
It was awkward for me, but he said it was the best he's had.
Im all like, meh.

SUPER TMI. He has a very strange dick. like its hard at the bottom but goes soft at the top the whole time. And it's kinda small. Like, not very big around, even though its pretty long.
This complicates things further.
Because I love sex. So. Bad sex, with an otherwise good relationship? I dont know if I can handle it.

On the other side, Im gonna "hang out" with one of the best lays Ive ever had soon.
:D
Im looking forward to it.

About time I had a good lay.


Hah.

Ate wayyyyyy too much yesterday.
Going to go work out. 

Miss popular. [Long update]

I got asked on another date today.
WHOA.

When did this all happen? im really confused.
When did people start finding me attractive?
WHY?

Im afraid of getting to know someone and them getting to know me.
I dont want to know about other people's lives very much. I dont ask questions of the other person when im on a  date. I dont care enough to.
Honestly.
Im a bitch. Im egotistical, slightly bipolar, and self centered.
I dont care about other people, only me. Gotta watch out for yourself, you know? Like, I only follow a select few blogs. People I see around PT a lot mostly.
But at the same time, I dont care about myself at all.
I dont eat. I purge. I self harm. I have casual sex. I dont respect myself at all.

This all sounds terrible, but its true.

Anyway, my family decided to go to taco johns for dinner.
Great.
I dont know what it is, but I can eat almost all of the fried potato things, but I CANNOT eat all of them.
I cant do it.
I have to leave at least a few. Or I give them to someone else.
And I just kinda nibble on the ones I do eat.

Ive eaten way too much today.

Fasting tomorrow.
Working out tomorrow [maybe]
Im getting high and watching wizard of oz and syncing it with Pink Floyd's The Wall.

Oh yeah. Anyway.
So We were at taco johns and AJ's bi friend came in. He didnt see me or recognize me or something at first, and I racked my brain for his name [I always want to call him Nick, but its Kevin]

So I called out to him and he ended up asking me on a date. Right in front of my whole family.
Mom. 2 sisters. And brother.
No big deal. Just takes a lot of balls I think.

So I gave him my number and we're prolly going to go out on sunday.

Dates.
The date with AJ went okay.

First. Let me help you get this all straight. Now there are 3 men in the picture. Sigh.
Nate. Soon to be manager that I work with. Very VERY sweet and kind and I hang out with him almost everyday. Has his own apartment. I spend the night there most nights, but he thinks I have virtue or something [HA] and doesnt want to push me yet. 20 years old. [I am 18 btw]
AJ is another guy I work with who has never had a girlfriend. Pretty awkward. Went on one date which I have yet to recap. Very shy. 20 years old.
Now there is also Kevin. Don't work with him but he is Aj and his roommate dan's best friend. [At least I know he is dans best friend, I dont know if he is ajs's or not] He is bi, and I was kinda hoping to hook him up with my gay best friend.

Okay. So yesterday night AJ and I went to go see the Hangover 2. It was pretty good I guess.
Aj's hot roommate, Dan, was bringing a date and it was gonna be a double date and whatnot. His date bailed.
So dan was going to go hang out with Kevin. It turned out kevin was already in the theatre with us though, so dan came back.
Aj was really awkward all movie. He did that thing where he kinda just leaves his hand there so we both had our hands within grabbing distance, but no one made a move.
Then he drove me home and that was it. No hand hold. No kiss, No hug. Just awkward. We got a little baked before the movie though, which helped cut down on the awkward a little bit.

So now I have a date with kevin....
Awkward.

I went to nates after the date and stayed there until like, 830 this morning.

He has the best chance as far as a long term relationship goes.
He knows the most about me.
He understands.
he doesnt want to push me. He keeps saying he just wants me to be happy, and he'll wait as long as he needs to.

Im not going to make a decision until mid july.
Done. Haha procrastinationnnnn.

But really. When did all these people decide on liking me and such?
Im annoying.
Im fat. [In my eyes I guess. I suppose most people would put it as my sisters would, "A bit... pudgy."]
I dont care about anyone.
I care about people too much. What they think of me mostly.
Im self centered.
I laugh too much.

"I'm not tan and I never have the score.
I drive too fast, the team picked me last. I break the rules and like it.
My body curves I forget the words...

I spend cash on clothes when I still have bills to pay.
My skin isnt clear... I still have fear im tryin to overcome.
My truths arent right, my jeans are too tight..."

["Flawz" by Caitlin Crosby]

hum hum hum.

I went shopping with my sister today. I bought a dress and a few necklaces and a clutch and a hair bow.
this is the dress I almost bought. I figured I would almost never wear it, so i didnt get it. I took these with my phone so the quality is really crappy!

This is the one I DID get!

Maybe more later? Perhaps.

------
This is a photo from last sunday at the family reunion thing. Me and my brother. Haha Its cute even though my face looks really fat. Haha

And die like star crossed lovers when we fight

Holy man.
I feel like i've been gone and super busy for like a week. It was just a few days.

Hum. So.
Friday I spent all day with nate pretty much. We went on a date to Olive Garden and I had a salad. No dressing. [of course] We went to the park after that and held hands and such. It was cute. He kissed me when he dropped me off for work.
Saturday my mom took me to dairy queen. I had fries and such. Ugh. Damn. Then I went over to Nates that night. cuddled made out blah blah. Left early.
Sunday I spent the night at nates. hot dry sex. Hahahaha
Last night I went and hung out with my best friend and we caught up about our week and such. Went back over to nates and left early this morning.

Im supposed to go to a movie with AJ today. he hasn't texted me about it and its one... I dont know.
Im getting high tonight with Jordan and kelsey. We're gonna watch the Wizard of Oz and listen to The Wall. They're supposed to sync up perfectly I guess. Haha

I've eaten too much the last couple of days. Damn damn damn. 155.8
damn damn damn. I havent worked out enough. [at all]
Thats a problem. Im gonna go do that when im done here.


I dont know.
Im confused.
im scared terrified.
I dont want a relationship.
I dont want this. It scares me.

Nate is so sweet. Its unbelievable. I would post some of what hes said here but you would probably gag.
He said he would wait as long as he needs for me to be ready.
AKJLGFDLH

I dont know.
Im so comfortable with him.
Comfort leads to trust.
Which leads to a relationship.
Which leads to love.
Which leads to me being hurt.

I dont know. Im so afraid.

I just....
I dont want to think about this right now. 

Who has a date?

THIS GUYYYYY. [girl]
= ]
Haha I work with this guy named AJ right? Right. Anyway, I also work with his roommate, Dan.
Dan said that AJ thought I was super hot and such and we ended up setting a date for tuesday. hahaha

funnnnn stuff.

Time for not fun stuff.
Binged on cookie dough. Lots of cals but not a lot weight wise.
Worked out this morning for a little bit, but cant tomorrow because that other guy, Nate wants to hang out.
Lame.

I think that is all I have to say.

Hum.

Yes.
I believe so. 

KaljfhHLWhfihl

Binged. Purged. Got drunk and high. Binged.
Worked.
Binged. Didn't purge.


KJHGLJGKHDJKG.
Fasting tomorrow and into the indefinite future.

Uhmmmm lets see. Its been a while. [kinda not really but actually yeah, kinda]
I didnt end up going to nates. He's sick and he fell asleep.
I went over yesterday afternoon and made him soup and tea and we watched Paranormal Activity [the first one] and Across the Universe.
Went home and binge/purged. I did pretty good. It was like a week without purging.
Went to rehearsal and then went drinking after that.

I had to stop by walmart first though and get mixers. Hah. You should have seen my cart. Talk about disordered eating...
Diet Pepsi
Coke Zero.
Diet blueberry juice [it was only 5 cals per serving and super yummy. Plus, you couldnt taste any booze in it. Haha]
Light orange juice.
Light strawberry banana juice.

Hahahahahahah
Drank. Smoked.
Speaking of smoking. My best friend bought me a pack of cigarettes. THEY ARE SO CUTE. Like, legitly. They are long and skinny, and perfect for me. Haha. I loveee themmmm.
Then we binged.
Passed out.
Woke up. Went out to eat.
Went to sleep.
Went to work.
Got home. Showered. Binged. Now I'm here.

Gotta go on PT yet.
Tomorrow is a heavy workout day. Paired with fasting until Saturday at least.


Nate went to the hospital today. I texted him and asked him how he was feeling and such, and got a reply back from "his fiancee." awkwarddddd.

I looked super cute today.
There is another guy from work [god, I kinda sound like a whore.] who thinks Im cute. I caught him checking me out three times today. We were really flirty and work together everyday [except tomorrow] until tuesday, which we both have off. I think I'll ask him on a coffee date. If he doesnt say anything first. I'll have to plot and scheme and get him to ask me first. Hahah man Im lame.

Cutting and bruising again. Fun stuff.

Anyway. Blog and PT time.
Hope everyone is doing okay.

QUICK

I have to go to work. Hah.

Went to fam reunion thing. Ate too much. But it was all fruit. So I dont feel TOO bad.
Weight was 150.6 this morning anyway. AW YEAH.

Got home. Napped. Drank. Went to the Gay 90's club and got my dance onnnnn. = ] Met some new awesome people. Hah. Added them on facebook [this morning]. Went and hung out with that guy from work. [Nate]
We watched a crappy horror movie. It was pretty fun.

Going to work now. Then shower and nap. Then going to watch paranormal activity with nate.
I gave him his hug last night in my slightly intoxicated stage.
It was one of those arms around the neck-almost-being-picked-up hugs. Haha. It was pretty nice.

Anyway. more later! GOGOGOGOOGOGOGOGO

Quite possibly the best night of my life.

Maybe the worst? haha WORTH IT.
[151.8 this morning. Im pretty proud. 163 on weds.] SO CLOSE TO A NEW TATTOO. IF I even have the money now. Hah.
I might put it off until next paycheck, and get my hair redone and maybe a new piercing instead.

Yesterday I had my salad and an apple, so im guesstimating at 200 cals. Plus I had a sub from Jimmy Johns after the concert, which Im guessing at 700. Still 900, and while high, still acceptable.

AH.
Anyway, we got ready and left for the PANIC AT THE DISCO concert at 2. We got there at three and there was a line of people for about half a block.  A bunch of kids got dropped off by their parents. It was cute. [Not really]
By the time the doors opened [6] we were a hell of a lot closer. And the line went all the way around the block.
It turns out my roommate [who live 8 hours away from me] was going to the concert with her sister! YAY! So I got to see them! :D

I WOULD post pictures of everything, but they wouldnt let me take my camera in! DAMN IT. Probably because I brought my nice one and they thought it was too professional or something. BLAH

Uhm. Lets seee. I bought 2 shirts and found a poster which I took [Hah]. They had 2 bands on before them and they were pretty good.
By the time panic went on [830] everyone was SUPER bashed together. Like, I couldnt move. At all. It was not possible to bash any more people in a tiny area. It was kinda ridiculous.
BUT. We were in the front. And center. Literally, there was ONE person in front of us.
It was so fucking hot, too. EVERYONE was super sweaty. By the time we left, my shirt was completely soaked.

BUT IT WAS SO AMAZING.
However, the lack of food and the heat... I almost passed out a few times. I fell at least twice. And I almost puked once.
STILL WORTH IT.
We went to jimmy johns after for drinks because we were so goddamn thirsty and it was close. Thats where I got my sub...
Hum.
lalala what then...

Then we went home. It was really really cold because we were all wet and it wasnt a thousand degrees outside. And my fatass sister kept talking about how hot it was in the car and kept opening the window.
Bitch, it was fucking freezing. I didnt say anything though.

Im so mad I didnt get any pictures though. WE WERE SO CLOSE. KSKFLDJHDAH
And oh god. Hes sooooooo adorable up close. :D
This is one my sister took. She had a really good one, but hasnt posted it on facebook yet.


I have a few okay ones on my phone. I'll try and post those later.

My older sister [the one who knows about my ed] kept pestering me to get lunch, even though I kept saying I'd eat at this family thing we're going to later, but she insisted. We went to taco Johns. I'm not worried about the taco count, because its all pretty much lettuce anyway [Perks to being vegan]. Im worried about the fricken Oles. Fried potato hell. Damn it. I ate half [so maybe like, 8 oles?] and gave the rest to my sister because they were "too crunchy." DJSKHL Im still upset though.

Hopefully I wont eat much later today. And im not at all tomorrow. So we'll se how this goes.

Oh. And that guy I have the "date" with? He was texting me all night.
"Haha :) u are seriously so cute hahaha"
"I think ur eyes and ur smile is cute :). And no offense I think the cutest of all is wen u mumble wen u get upset ;) hehehe"

This will be interesting.

PANIC PANIC PANIC PANIC

ITS TOMORROW. Well, today.
OMG IM SO EXCITED. :D
Im bringing my camera, even though its in a crowded place in downtown minneapolis, and its worth a lot.
OH WELL. WORTH IT.

IM SO FUCKING EXCITED.
Even though I have to drive. The 40 min drive there, then navigating through the cities. And its my sisters car, which is bigger than mine, and im not used to that.
And even though I hate driving. I'm always super terrified im gonna hit someone. And that someone will turn out to be a family full of small children and pregnant women. -_-
Anyway.
SOON.

When I got into  the shower, and after drinking a ton of water, I weighed 154.4.
:D
Ha-ha. Take THAT dumb me! >:D
Eating a salad and apple tomorrow and thats all.
Fasted today.
I'll eat some more at my grandmas on sunday.
Then fasting monday.
Maybe end up eating a little tuesday night? If we end up drinking. Hopefully not.
Probably eating on weds because mom has off.

So I'm hanging out with that guy I work with on monday. The one who just broke up with his girlfriend? Well, he says  theyre just "on a break," which is super sketch. I dont know how comfortable I am with this.
He didn't quite say its a date but its implied.
We're going to his house.
At like, 130 AM.
And he wants to watch a scary movie.
We're watching Paranormal activity 2.

Dont get me wrong. I LOVEEEE scary movies.
But.
Most of the time they aren't that scary.
Paranormal activity actually left me sleepless. It scared the shit out of me. I got literally, NO sleep the night I watched it. SHIT.
KFLDSHJG

Haha but we'll see how it goes. He's been sending me some really flirty texts.
"lol lamesauce?? [After I replied "lamesauce" to something] Wow u make me laugh so much :) ur funny"
"No ! thank u! :) for being amazing!"
Then I said he was very sweet. ":D. Its kinda hard not to be especially with u! :D"
"No problem! :) Am I making u smile?? or blush? Haha"
Laterrrr ":D heheheheheheh... hi! :) lol"
So I said "Haha HIHIHI! :D" Then he replied with "Haha that was cute :) lol"
"Gosh its weird because everytime I read ur texts I smile!"

Hum hum hum. Sooo.... given that... I think he thinks of it more as a date.
I dont know how I feel about that.
We'll see how it goes I guess.

PANIC PANIC PANIC

Relationships.

Worked out for 2 hours today. Idk how many cals I burned. I'm shaking.
160.4 right now. UGH.
Havent eaten yet.
NOT GOING TO EAT TODAY OR TOMORROW.
I WILL not!

I found someone to cover a chunk of my shift tonight so I can make it to band practice. Thus NOT getting yelled at. = ]

The guy that covered my shift is the one that keeps flirting with me. Who has a girlfriend.
but. Today he texted me and said he was breaking up with her because it wasnt working out, but he felt bad anyway.
Then he asked me if I wanted to hang out sometime. Well, he didn't really ask. He said "We should hang out soon too u are a good person"
First. How hard is it to type out words? I dont get it.
Second. You havent even broken up with her yet, which kinda bugs me.
I said sure though. He IS very nice, and a little bit awkward, but we'll see.

Hum. Also, he said I need to give him a hug for taking my shift, and I told him I would give him one anyway because he was feeling "down," as he put it.

I dont touch people.
I dont know why, really.
It just makes me uncomfortable.
Maybe its because I dont really trust people?
Maybe its because Im afraid that they will be repulsed by how fat I am.
I dont know.

I will not eat.
I can do this.
I WILL have control.
It's back. I am in control. 

Wintergirls

"The snow drifts into our zombie mouths crawling
with grease and curses and tobacco flakes and cavities
and boyfriend/girlfriend juice, the stain of lies. For one
moment we are not failed tests and broken condoms and
cheating on essays; we are crayons and lunch boxes and
swinging so high our sneakers punch holes in the clouds.

For one breath everything feels better.

Then it melts.

The bus drivers rev their engines and the ice cloud
shatters. Everyone shuffles forward. They don’t know
what just happened. They can’t remember."

[Negative self bashing]

Ive been eating too much.
Tisk tisk.

CONCERT IS IN LESS THAN 3 DAYS.
Im [hopefully] getting my next tattoo tomorrow morningggg. = ]

Im sore from working out. Like my back is just... ugh.

I had today off, so I read a bunch and played video games with my brother.
I finished the book "Feeling for Bones." It was okay. I still prefer Wintergirls. I have to read Wasted yet, but my library doesnt have a copy of it and such so I have to request it. LAME.

Im attempting to download a game. We'll see if it works. It better. I dont wanna wait an hour.

My life is boring.

Oh. My family decided they wanted to go to the KFC buffet for dinner tonight.
Disgusting.
Absolutely repulsive.

I'm so glad I'm vegan.
Not only did they have like, a whole slaughterhouse/chicken coop in a heater in the back, all the shit looked repulsive. You could see all their tiny bones. Really? I dont understand how people eat that.

SO All I had there was some corn, green beans, and a few pickles.
Then my mom bought me some potato fry stuff, and I looked through the nutritional info for "vegan" purposes, and they were 230 cals. I shared them with my brother.

It's the fucking peanut butter sandwich that killed me. JDSLAHJFLD
God damn it. Why is peanut butter so high calorie? DAMN IT.
-----

I decided to weigh myself tonight.
Bad idea.
Good idea.
I dont know.

Im about to fucking cry.
I am crying.

Im just so fucking mad and disappointed with myself.
Im very upset.

One hundred and sixty three fucking pounds.
163.0.
Such a round, fat number, dont you think?

I couldnt realize why ive felt so fucking fat these last couple of days. I thought it was just getting close to that time of the month or something.

The way my thighs jiggled when I work something above the knee.
The way my arms bulged.
The way my pants dug into my skin. The dreaded muffin top.
The way my torso just looked short and fat.

But worst of all: my face.
Looks fucking huge. My cheeks look massive. I cant see my jawline very well. I have no cheekbones. Fat fucking cheeks. No definition. Just fat fucking globs of fat mushy SHIT.

My collar bone doesnt stick out enough. Or like, at all.


Nope. No tattoo tomorrow.
No eating tomorrow.
1.5 hours of working out. Plus the walking im going to be doing.

I'm not getting that tattoo until I get back down to 149.9.
I'm not going to go get my hair or eyebrows done until 139.9.
I'm done. I'm done fucking around. Im sick  of fucking eating.

Tomorrow:
Wake up at noon.
Take appetite suppressant.
Work out [1 workout video, learn the next one, then do that one, then stretching, so 1 hr 45 min? Burning [estimated] 1800 cals.Prolly less because Im a fat fuckup who cant do anything right]
Maybe do some sit ups/pushups
prolly go on PT.
Go to work- Walk there, walk back to my house to pick up my trombone for rehearsal, go to practice, walk back to work, then maybe walk home.
Take more appetite suppressant.
More PT.
Bed.

Then repeat.
I'm not eating at all tomorrow. I swear. Prolly not eating saturday either.


Sorry this was so negative.
Take care. 

Drinkign until i puke?

Hopefully. 

Work sucked. worked out. Ate tooo much,.drank. Here I am. 

Hum.

Hope you are all okay,

Well hum. I have a lot to say.

Went drinking last night.
We hottubbed and now my ears are all full of water. I helped my gay friend get some. = ]
I have a ton of bruises and I have no idea what theyre from.
Went home and bought my mom breakfast on the way. She bitched because I didnt get her what she liked.

went to my sisters to work on the TURBOFIRE WORKOUT.
We ended up getting distracted and went to the store to buy cantaloupe.
Got distracted again and bought a ton of fruit.

Ate all of it.
UGH.

Then I hung out with my brother for a bit.
I was so proud. We had chalk and the first thing he wrote was,
"It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M."
:D

He wanted to go bike, but I'm too big for his bike, so I followed him on a scooter.

When was the last time you were on a scooter?
That shit is fucking terrifying. Goddamn. I fell and scraped my knee.

then we went walking and went to the library.

Came home and did some of the workout, then went and cleaned some.
I went on the roof and cleaned out the gutters and gunk off the roof.

I've never been on a roof before, so it was interesting. It was pretty fun. = ] I got to watch the sun set from the roof. :D
I also cut my foot on a nail. Owwwwieee.

Then I went to a restaurant with my older sister.
INTERESTING.

We  talked for like, 2 hours.
We were talking about eating disorders. I told her I strugglED with bulimia last year, and then brought it into the present tense eventually.
She just doesn't eat I guess.

Remember a while back when I said my sister passed out at school? It was because she hadn't eaten in like, a week.

I told her about PT and my worries for our other sister and brother.

It was just interesting to realize that it really IS genetic. Hum. I dont know.
Interesting. 

Fasted today.

Proud of myself. = ]
But I DID down half a gallon of chocolate soy milk. I forgot the calorie count, but it was a lot. Most of it was last night. I kept waking up SUPER thirsty.

Fasting most of the day tomorrow I think? if not more? I dont know. Im drinking tomorrow night, so we'll see what I do. I'm gonna try and fast again though. I bought me a pack of gum so I think Im all set.

Getting my next tattoo on thurs. :D
PANIC CONCERT IN 6 DAYS.

My turbo fire came today. :D But I cant use it until monday. = [
Might take my sisters senior pics on weds.


Work today sucked. Like a lot. It was steady all day, so I couldnt get anything done, and I was just all crabby all day.
I have a thousand cuts and bruises. LAME.

Just kidding. I have 2 bruises [quarter size at least] and 22 cuts. I just counted. Only 7 hurt though.
Bah.

Hum hum hum.

Im gonna check PT really quick, then go to bed. Work early. LAME.

But then drinking. :]

I miss this.

I miss feeling hungry. And I know it sounds SUPER cliche, but I miss my hunger pains.

I feel just.. So happy. So right. Normal. I feel like Im doing something right. Finally.
Been looking at thinspo and such all day. I feel great. = ]

New month. [9 DAYS!]

NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE! SO CLOSE!
PANIC!
PANIC AT THE DISCO!
SOOON = ] <3

Immma go tanning when Im done typing this. After my next two sessions, I think I'll be good. 

Anyway. I went and talked to an old teacher of mine. She's amazing and pretty much psychic. She helped me plan my life. 

Go to the crappy "transition" [as she called it] college in town and get my AA degree there. 

She said I will know what to do with my life after that year. 

She said to have fun this summer, and go with light flirting [regarding men].

She said not to date until a year has passed, because I need to give myself plenty of time to get over it. 

Then, I am allowed to date [Haha] after that year is up, ONLY IF that man comes into MY life, and without me going out of my way for it. 

She said that the man I marry won't be anyone I know now. 

WHEW. I feel a lot better after talking to her. We kind of closed the convo after that because I was about to cry and such. I dont know. With the whole breakup thing Im still whining about and just the RELIEF of having everything planned... It just made things better. 

Then I went with my mom, sister and brother to the park. We had subway. Gwen and I almost have all her senior picture stuff planned. 

Anyway, Gwen and I went to the dollar store afterwards and bought $30 worth of pretty much useless shit. Hah. Then we stumbled on stumbleupon for a bit, and watched youtube for a bit. [She hadn't seen NicePeter's Epic Rap Battles of History or Sassy Gay Friend, so we watched all of those. lol] 

Then [awkward story], we were gonna go to panic atthe disco's website, so I typed in the letter "P" in the address bar, and I have google chrome and guess what popped up? Thats right. Prettythin.com. 

HAH. AWKWARD. She didnt say anything but... I dont know. IT was there for a while and Im pretty positive she saw it. Oh well. 

My workout video hasn't come yet. Maybe today? Tuesday by the latest.
Which transitions me into my other topic...

Yesterday was a huge binge day. 

but guess what? It's a new month. Fuck it. I've got this now. 

A new month. Get back on track. 

Diet pills and workout video.
I'm done fucking binging. DONE. 

I need to stop purging, too. My teeth hurt after I've done it. 

So. I'll keep my weight up for motivation, because its so gross. 

This morning, June 2, I weighed NOT 130, my goal by this time. 

NOT 137.6, my low weight. 

Not even 148, a normal BMI. 

A sickening 155.4 lbs. 

DISGUSTING. 

Getting back on track though. This shit has got to stop. Im done. 

Love hate.

I love Lady gaga. So much.
Like really. I completely idolize her. She is just so amazing in every. Single. Way. God she's awesome.

Random? No.
Us Weekly has a special Lady Gaga edition out right now. Worth every penny. And it comes with 5 posters. = ] [Hah, im so lame :p] SO WORTH IT. She's so fucking hot. It's great thinspo I can hang up without being creepy.

backtrackinggggg

I was going to go tanning today, but its memorial day so they were closed. Ill go tomorrow. Then I have work, then idk if im doing anything after. I'm going to go talk to an old teacher of mine on weds and have her plan out my life for me. Hah

I went to the thrift store and got a bunch of books. Because im lame.

Anyway, it was pretty hot today. Now its raining.

I got off work two hours early and went and hookahed with jojo and our friend chris. Legit.
Then I went to walmart because I didnt wanna go home. I wandered for a bit and remembered I needed more facewash. I got the magazine there.

I also got diet pills.
Dont judge me.
I almost got laxxies. I knwo they don't do anything, but I feel the appeal anyway. I didnt get it before, but I do now. You just want everything OUT you know? like it doesnt matter if you still absorb everything and whatnot, as long as its OUT. and not just SITTING there.

Anyway, so I got hunger supressent type diet pills. I'll let you know how they work. if they do at all.
Sigh.

Imma go hang up posters now.  = ]
----

Also.
God damn it.
Suicide threads on PT make me feel so shitty.
I can't ignore it.
I dont have any idea what to say.
Fuck.

I'm terrible at giving advice or making people feel better.
Fuck.
------
Its one of those nights.
I cant sleep.
I cant stop thinking.

fuck fuck fuck.
I miss him so much.
Its been 5 and a half months.
Why do I still miss him so much?

I still love him more than anything and anyone. And as hard as I try to hate him, I just cant. not forever.
"And if the world were ending would you kiss me or just leave me?"
I miss everything about him.
I miss hugging him.
I miss the feel of his ribs against mine. His pelvis against mine.
His kisses, his laugh.
The dumb dumb way he dresses.
His stupid glasses.
His mood swings.
His stupid poofy hair.
His way of making me feel amazing. How every fear and worry and care I had would just dissolve.
How I would d anything for him, even recover.

Someone tagged a picture of him and his new gf on facebook. thats what started it.
I dont know. I dont know what to do.
This shouldnt be so fucking HARD. God damn it.

god.
fucking.
damn it.

I honestly dont know what im doing without him.
He was my best friend.
Im lost.
Im confused.
Im hurt.

I hurt. So goddamn much. still.
This is unbearable for me.

Does he think about me? Does he see something that reminds him of me?
Does he miss me? Does he second guess things? Does he regret what hes done?


This is us. At this point in our relationship, things were rocky, and I was trying as hard as I could to keep everything together.
This picture hurts. it stings. It tears at old ancient wounds.
You can see how im on my tiptoes, and how were both smiling. and how tight im holding on, like i never want to let go.
I feel old.

I dont want to let go. I want to hold on tight and cry into his shoulder and have me tell me he loves me and everything will be okay again.
I want everything to be okay again. 

God. I feel like shit.
I just feel terrible.
My food intake was at a reasonable level today. I didnt binge. I felt okay. Now? I feel terrible. I feel like th fattest thing in the world.

The thing that tore me the most? It wasn't him getting with my best friend after. It wasn't seeing all the things he wrote to her or their gaggy facebook convos.
It wasnt even the thought of him not being there to hold me anymore, but that was a big one. It wasnt him not being there anymore, or not having anyone to talk to about anything.

It was when he said to me, "I just don't love you like that anymore."

"I dont love you."

He doesnt love me.

Im alone.

UGH. God damn it.
just... fuck. No words.
Out of all the people who have made me feel like shit, this man tops it all. But I stilll love him. fuck fuck fuck.
Youre in deep shit, gurrrrrl.

Yeah. Im in this deep, all right.

I just feel lost and alone. I need somethig to anchor me here.

Im tired.
Im tired of being hurt and humiliated and fat and just gross.
I'm tired of being lost and alone.
Im just tired.

Maybe this is why I keep going with my ed.
I have to show him how fucked I am.
How lost and confused I am.
How much I need help. Not just from anyone. From him.

It's my way of crying for help I'll never get. Not from him. Not anymore.

Silent. 

Tired tired tired. Everything Down here floats.

Got crossfaded last night. Interesting. It was a pretty fun night though. [Even though I felt like shit this morning]

It was me, Jojo, Delphine, Irene, and Nora. Haha
Irene had a trucker hat that said "Fuck Everyone" It was an awesome hat.

Irene was stapling her arm for some reason, so Jojo took it away from her and put it in the microwave so she wouldnt find it. He forgot about it then until later, when he started laughting and said to me, "THE STAPLER IS STILL IN THE OVEN." We both just about died laughing.

Uhm. I dont remmeber a lot. But I know we laughed almost the whole time. Nora puked for a few hours.

Uhmmmm. We didnt have a piece, so we smoked out of an orange. Classy. I know. HAHAHHA


Ate too much. Drank all day.

Got some nice pictures at the party we went to before though. = ]
Afraid to weigh myself.

We all float down here.

We float, we change.

Everything down here floats.

And You'll float too. 

They look better on Flickr, I swear. http://www.flickr.com/photos/smengvall/

My complaining hurts. [Headache]

This will be brief. [Maybe]

I have a headache. It feels like my brain is going to burst horizontally through my frontal and occipital bones.
KA-BAM. There it goessss.

Work sucked today. It was just busy.
But there is a cute guy there named Dan and he's really nice and we were flirting a bit.

I had plans with an old booty call tonight, but he cancelled because he has to get up for work at 4. Its okay in retrospect though, because of thiis GODDAMN HEADACHE. FUCK

I feel nauseous. Maybe its because I just ate some, and havent purged [due to headache, all this revolves around that goddamn it], or maybe it is BECAUSE of the headache.

Cant purge, because I'm afraid of purging the aspirin, and having my headache get worse.


Went tannign a few days ago and burned a little. Got some weird lines, which doesnt make sense becaus eI tan naked... SO I think I was just laying weird. I dont know. Might go again tomorrow.


Yep. Thats right.
I bleach my teeth, lighten my hair, and tan. Typical.

I need to paint my toes yet too. And fix my jelly shoes. And resew one of the straps on my tanktop. UGH SO MUCH TO DO.

Hanging out with a few old friends tomorrow night hopefully. They are the people I first got drunk with. Cute. Anyway, if we can aquire enoough booze we'll drink then.


Crazy coincidence. [PT reference]
I was at work and thought somone said "What ever happened to that Sarro chick?" But he really said sarah. Hahah
Then someone on facebook posted a picture of their new guitar which they named Xander [James Watson's old Alias]
It was just strange that I ran across TWO PT references in 12 hours. It doesnt happen all that often.

Uhm.
Agenda for tomorrow.
Wake up.
Tan?
Go to an old family friend's house. Drink there a bit.
Go to hang out with Jordann and old friends from high school. If that falls through, then Jojo and I might go out clubbing.
Hum hum hum. We'll see.

Headache is abating. 

I'm on the edge of glory

And also a proud owner of Lady Gaga's Born This Way. = ]

http://www.flickr.com/photos/smengvall/5757649918/

First day off work in 8 days. We had a work meeting today. LKFHS:H
I have tomorrow off though. I went on a walk with a girl from work named Andrea, who I work with. She's pretty overweight, but very nice. I tooka  lot of flower pics.
Then my sister and I went shopping, and I got two new shirts and a sundress.
Back of one

 Front of oneee

I dont know how I feel about the sundress. It shows too much of my super fat legs. [I'm not being modest. They really ARE huge. Don't say they arent, because that will just piss me off.]
So I might not end up actually wearing it for a while.

I'm afraid to weigh myself.

I'm buying TurboFire on thurday. My sisters want to do it with me [Thank god]
They need it WAY more than I do, plus it will be extra motivation.