Friday, April 18, 2014
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Monday, February 3, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Monday, December 2, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
My phone synced with something and added a bunch of pictures from my blogger, so I was looking through them and oh boy.
I thought I was triggered before.
It had a bunch of thinspo on there, but more importantly, pictures of me at my low weight. Good ones.
Ugh oh my god that was thirty lbs ago and I would literally kill for that. And in those I'm wearing the bracelets I wore when I cut a lot.
So thats triggering too. I'm thinking about making new ones.
I haven't purged in like two months, but holy shit I forgot how badly I wanted this. How bad I need this.
I want to push everyone away from me. I want an apartment I dont have to share. But I need a car first. Ugh seriously I'm.21 in like two months and I still have no car. Woooow.
I'm stuck at the same weight I always get stuck on. Its so frustrating.
I miss the way my jeans didn't dig into my fat. I miss how loose they would get.
Fuck I need to pull myself together.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Dont forget, you were the one who broke up with me. you were the one that moved out. I just didn't take you back and that makes me the villian? Thats bullshit and you KNOW it.
I'm the bitch? I've been completely passive this whole time. I've left you alone because I know its for the best in the long run. youre just a spoiled child. Thats what our whole relationship was. It was just me taking care of a rich mommas boy and failing at it over and over again.
Nothing I ever did was right or good enough. I worked too much even though I was the one paying for everything. We had sex too much then not enough. I didn't do this enough and I should have done that more. I didn't dress up enough but I dressed up for stupid things. I wore too much makeup or not enough.
I'm fucking sick of being treated like its my job to take care of these needy fucking bitch men. Its not fair to me. Who the hell takes care of me? Fuck, I can't even take care of me, obviously my bodys a fucking wreck, just like I am.
But its fine you know. I'll just sit back and take the blame for everything, just like always. Stupid silly girl. Sit back and take it like the bitch you are. Then smile like nothing is wrong and pretend to care about everyone elses shit.
But god forbid anyone take care of me. Its too much to fucking ask for someone to pay attention to me, give me a little time out of their day, maybe ask how mine was but actually care.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
This weekend was my 21st birthday. I had fun overall but the after math is messy.
The thing I was looking forward to the most was a romantic, candle lit dinner with the man I love. I went to get a new tattoo first, and It took a lot longer than expected.
My boyfriend was mad because I missed it he said. He said everything was ruined and it was all my fault. So I went to go over anyway and he told me to go home.
So I missed the most important thing all weekend. No dinner. No candles. No flowers. No crappy horror movies.
Instead, I laid in bed and cried. And cut. For the first time in a really, really long time.
He made me go to a party, and we argued and made up and got drunk. My friends took me home and we continued the weekend we had planned.
So I went to my man's this morning and he had something to tell me. This girl we work with was flirting and talking to him all night and he almost kissed her, but she stopped him. then he took her back to his place where he said she just slept on the couch.
I have a right to be hurt though, yeah? I feel betrayed. I know he didn't actually do anything but it's still shitty. I asked him why and he said he was drunk and mad at me.
I should be mad, right? It's bullshit that I didn't get to come over and have a nice birthday dinner, but some other woman did? And like everyone at work knows about it, too. A couple people are betting on whether or not they slept together.
I already told him I was mad and that we needed to talk later, but I don't know if I'm going to talk to that girl too. I thought she was cool before and now I just hate her guts. she said she's been with this guy for two years but my boyfriend said he thinks she's single and just lying.
I don't know. I'm just upset.