Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Anxiety

I just feel trapped and stressed and I'm just freaking out about everything.

I'm too fat.
I'm a failure. I'm not going to college and I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.
I'm working two jobs and both of them want me to quit the other one. In working 40 hours at 850 an hour and hate it, and I'm working 20 - 25 at the other and only making 775 and I hate it a lot less.

I'm fat.
I'm hideous and replusive.

I dont fit in. People don't like me. People don't miss me. I'm boring and too busy and not busy enough.

Its been more than 9 months and I'm still hung up on my ex. I would probably still take him back and just thinking about him makes me feel like shit.
Like I'm not pretty enough or skinny enough or smart enough or good enough. There was a lot of shit wrong in that relationship but there is a lot good about it. And just imagining him with another woman makes me grind my teeth and I have to fight back tears.
Sure,  never knowing love sucks. It's agonizing. I remember being there. But then knowing love and having everything good about it, and then losing it? That's so much worse.
Its not like you dont know what you're missing. You don't have that ignorant bliss. You know what you're missing and it sucks.

Also. I can't make cookies. I fail.

I started bruising again. Don't tell nate.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

I miss being single.

I feel trapped. And fat. And just.. ugh.

My best friend leaves for college Thursday. We've gone to school together since 1st grade. We're sophomores in college. Its sad. I feel really anxious and lost. 

I just feel... confined.

Friday, August 26, 2011

On my phone!

I just downloaded the blogger app so maybe I can actually update.

I got a new phone. Its a droid optimus v.

Birthday went well.

162. I feel like shit.
Relationship anxiety.
I miss all of you. I miss being alone.

Ive been busy. Soooo busy
So tired.

Ill update more soon. But I tend to say that a lot.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Oops/Story time.

I know I said I would update, but I havent had time.

Tuesday: Dropped nate off, baked banana bread, slept, went to work, got home, skyped nate, slept.
Weds: Woke up, went to work, napped, went to work, skyped nate, bed.
Thurs. Woke up. Work. Errands. Work. Skype. Bed.
Friday. Wake. Work. Scandal. Work. Phone call. Bed.
Today. Wake. Work. Nap. Work. Blog.

Nate was supposed to come online but he was really tired so I think he fell asleep.

Didnt fast this week like I planned.
Binged tonight.
161.8. KJLFSD

God. I'm so mad at myself. Still down two lbs from last week I guess... Ugh.
Im disgusting.
Repulsive. Dumb stupid whore bitch fatass weak useless lazy fatty.


Nat is back tuesday night.
Tomorrow I work 11-3, then I have to do laundry, packing, cleaning, blah blah blah. Then im drinking with my sister, her friends, and my best friend.

I work 11-3 on my birthday. LAME. But Nate wants to take me out to a nice dinner and such. And im getting a new phone that day too, because its also PAYDAY. Woop woop!

Anyway. Scandal.
So there is this other guy I work with, Clay. We had sex once more than a year ago. He keeps flirting with me and such at work. He'll make little sexual comments and he grabbed my ass once. I never said anything about it to nate because A: This guy is really hot [Im a terrible person, I know, but I want him so bad.] B: because nate would be SUPER pissed and C: because he is a pretty good friend of mine.

That being said, we hung out after work[/before second job]. I didnt tell nate. I told him I was taking a nap. So the whole time he was making little sexual comments [like "I'll bend you over that fence," "get on that counter," "if you want your phone back, you have to take your top off" stuff like that.] and I would just tell him he was being an ass and to knock it off. We were just messing around. Then he started grabbing my ass randomly and my boobs and stuff.

He wanted to show me this giant boulder he found and then he told me to climb it. It was taller than I was. I told him I couldnt. He took my phone out of my back pocket and put it on top of the boulder, so i had to go get it. When I was looking for a place to climb up he pressed me against the rock and started kissing my neck.

That threw me over the edge. You know how that spot is really sensitive and such? Yeah. That turns me on. SO BAD. I honestly considered cheating on nate. And I feel terrible for legitly considering it, but Ive ALWAYS wanted this guy. And I was facing the rock and he was behind me and pressed up against me. Yeah, he was hard. And it was really really hot. I ended up pushing him away and we moved on [we were taking a walk].

Then we were going over this hill and he said something like "If I beat you to the top I'm going to throw you down on the grass." [sexually of course]

So he beat me.
And he did.

He picked me up and set me on the grass and sat on top of me. He was still hard. and  he pinned my arms down which i ALSO find really hot. Then he kept trying to kiss me and I kept turning my head away. He pinned my arms next to my head so I couldnt move it at all and kissed me anyway. I wanted to give in so bad. I wanted to forget everything and just kiss back, but I resisted. He gave up and let me up.

Fuck. I still want him. Anyway, I ended up feeling terrible about it, so I called nate and told him. He was pissed, and we agreed that I wouldnt hang out with him outside of work, and I deleted his number.

I feel so stupid. I thought he just wanted to hang out you know? Silly, stupid, naive girl.



Nate is awake. He did fall asleep, but he's up now.

My hands hurt so bad. Theyre all cut up because of work.


I need to stop fucking up.
I need control.

I feel so disorganized and hectic and chaotic and just out of control. 

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Soon

Nate is leaving on vacation tomorrow night.
I'll update tuesday night hopefully. Sorry.

I have two jobs, a large family, friends, and a boyfriend. Sorry.

SOOON.
He will be gone for a week, so expect to see a lot of me. = ]

Im flabby.
Ive gained too much.
I miss 137. What the hell happened.
Fuck you, 163.

I'm going to a super early bday lunch with my family tomorrow.
That's all im gonna eat.
Then fasting until nate is back from tennassee. Its like, a week.
I dont want his friend to think im a total fatass.

I need a gym membership.
I need control.
I tried recover this weekend.
Nope. Fuck that shit.

I need to fast.
I need to be alone.
I need to work out.
I need to jog.

I need a gym membership. But. I have no time.
I work 20 hours a week at Culvers, then 40 at Burger king.
So. An average day for me is work 11-3 at culvers, then 5-1AM at burger king. Bed around two or three, then do it all again. Nap in between.

That has been my life.
Fries. Kill my soul. Salt is a HUGE weakness of mine.
So are Oreos. But we wont go there.

Got my next tattoo. I'll take/post a pic soonish. Its a bunch of birds flying off my shoulder with "nevermore" underneath it. Its pretty. It would be prettier if my collarbones actually didnt suck.


God Im gross.

My birthday is in ten days.
I will be 19.
And just as fat as last year.

I want to cry.
A whole year. And Ive made no progress.


Fuck.