I took some asprin for my headache at like, 1245 last night. Then I realized, oh shit, I havent eaten in 8 hours. I'll probably puke. So I ate a rice cake [80] and some chips I shared with my roomie. [200 max]
Back to sleep.
I woke up again at about 7 AM and I just wanted to die. My tummy hurt so bad. Ugh. I ended up falling back asleep sitting up in my bed corner, curled into a ball. Hah.
I slept for 12-13 hours, but Im still just sooo tired.
I had
I NEED to go to the gym today. Probably after dinner.
Oh. Also. I stepped on the scale after my rice cake.
146.8. I didn't believe it. Literally. I weighed myself 5 times. Literally 5 times in a row. Same thing every time.
Hm.
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I ate my salad. 200 cals max. So a total of under 300 today. Acceptable.
But eating didnt change anything. I still feel dizzy and nauseous.
Going to work out at 8. I hope I can get enough shit done and not pass out. That would be awesome.
We'll see.
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My new PT profile picture. Haha I thought it was cute. I just get so paranoid with people I don't know.
So here is proof that I am me.
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Burned 200 at the gym before I had to stop.
UGH. I'M SO PATHETIC.
Now, I know I could do more.
God, I suck. I took a shower and thought about every physical thing I hated about my body. Ugh.
Why did I stop cutting again?
Oh yeahhhhh. My family. Damn it. If they saw, I dont even know what it would do to them.
My brother might turn out fucked up. He's only 8. He learns by example.
My younger sister would probably start.
My older sister would probably stop eating.
She passed out at school earlier this year because she hadnt eaten in a few days. What did I do? I covered up for her. I consoled my mom and told her I highly doubted it was an ED. I still am not sure why I did that.
Why do I do anything? I don't know.
I don't want to be the one my family looks up to.
I dont want to be the perfect one. The skinniest one. The one with the best grade and the most friends.
Fuck this.
I dont want it.
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