DARREN CRISS/ Eating in front of others?

First, before I forget, Thank you, Love<3 for your comment. It made me smile. = ]

Just watched glee.

SO GOOD.

HIS HAIR CURL. Oh my god. There is just one single curl. And its the most adorable thing I have ever seen.

I love him so much. DONT CRY BLAINE. DONT CRY.

I already downloaded this. 

It was such a good episode. It was really raw to me. They all made shirts about what they were most insecure about, which seems really personal. 

If I made a shirt, I'm pretty sure it would say either "FAT" or "BULIMIC" but I don't know if I could wear it in front of a ton of people. 

I don't know If I would wear it at all. 

Ate too much again today, didn't purge enough. Blah. 

My weight is ridiculously high. 

Back to heavy restricting. Really. This shit has got to stop.

Blarghhhh. 

I need more PT. I need to do something.

I just want to be normal. I don't want to have to worry about what I eat and when I have to purge by. I don't want to have to worry about my weight or gaining weight.
I want to be normal.

Im too fat to recover. I'm not ready yet. Maybe later. like at 110 lbs. We'll see.
Fuck. i need to fast. But look where THAT got me last time. Fuck.



I'm probably going to keep adding to this all night. Just so you know.

Went tanning today. My tummy is burnt. Gross.

I feel disgusting. I am disgusting.

Why are you reading this? Why do you follow me? I'm just a fat fucking failure who just whines about how fat she is, while continuing to binge and purge.
I'm pathetic.

I want to be gone. I just want to not exist. I want to disappear. I want to die. I want to be alone and ignored and forgotten.
I don't want to think. Im tired. Im tired of everything. Im tired of school and people and myself and everything.
I just want to sleep.

I'm too fat to die. How sad is that? I can't die yet, because Im too fat.
----
11:53
I just had taco bell with my best friend.
I want to purge until I pass out. Call me whatever, I don't care.


Eating in front of others. It's a pretty hot topic on PT right now. For me, it depends on the people Im with.
Like my best friend, the one I had Tbell with. I can binge in front of him, and not feel anxious or uncomfortable at all. Or my family I can binge in front of.

Then there are friends that aren't THAT good of friends, like my roommate, so I can eat a normal amount in front of.

There are people I feel STARE at me and just JUDGE me while I eat, mostly people I dislike, like Elle. Then I eat next to nothing. Like a salad maybe.

There are people I want to influence, like my best friend from high school. I subconsciously want to send a message. Its one of two. Its either "I can eat a ton of food and still lose weight!" or "I'm trying so goddamn hard to eat healthy and lose weight."

Then there are a few people who completely avert me from food. These people fall into various categories, so I can't really generalize them. Like my ex boy friend and one of my friends now. I think these are just the people I want to see how fucked up I am. Anyway, if I'm eating or GOING to go eat and I see them, I literally turn and walk the other way. Or I throw my food out and pretty much RUN out of the cafeteria. I cannot physically eat in front of them. I freak out.

When I'm eating alone though, it's different. I fell like EVERYONE is staring at me. EVERYONE.
Like this morning, I started off good, I had half a cup of mango and a strawberry. [I fucked up at lunch and dinner. And now. SHIT] While I was eating it though, I felt like EVERYONE in the cafeteria was STARING at me. I freaked out then, too.

I don't know. I'm too fucked up to be normal, but not fucked enough to be fucked up.



I changed everything around again. Sorry. I was sick of all the color. Something is still.... off... but i dont know what it is right now.

I'm slipping. I can feel it. It's like Ive been clinging on for too long and my arms are letting go.
I feel like im letting go. I dont even feel like punctuating or capitalizing or working very hard to fix grammar/punctuation mistakes. which is syaing something because I am what you would call a grammar nazi.

Im just tired. Im tired of this, im tired of me, im tired of everything.
I just want to sleep forever. i want to be gone. i want to hide.

Maybe this si just another one of my late night mood swings, but whatever. i feel disgusting. I want to be gone. ugh.
im so tired.

Im tired of pretending. im tired of trying. im tired of hurting and existing and being. im tired of waiting. im tired of agony. im tired.

just. tired.
I want to be done with everything. i want to cease to exist. i just want to be done. gone. away. run hide.
fast slow pain death run slip jump fall dark black pitch empty nothing gone empty perfect. gone.
pills sleep nothing empty black sleep pass warm cold slow cold numb od sleep.

Waiting. Wait. wait wait wait. See what saturday brings? perhaps.