I'm tired. I want to go to bed. I have 4 pages to write yet.
But I dont have anything left to say. Fuck.
Did you know that blogger will tell you where your page is getting views from? I have almost 1000 views already. Most of you find me from PT, btu some of you find me from other blogs. It's interesting to me at least.
Pompeii. What else do I say on it? Lamesauce. Blah.
Isn't it strange how we love to fantasize about our own misfortune? We [at least I do, but we've already established my weirdness] tend to imagine various situations that are harmful to our bodies, and replay them over and over.
For example, I know I'm not alone on this one because we we talking about it on PT earlier. A common imagined situation is passing out in front of someone. What would they do? Would they care? Would they try to help? Would they puzzle everything together? Would they walk away and brush it off?
Another one is suicide. Maybe I'm completely alone on this, but I have several suicide plans. I also have several anti-suicide plans. Like when I'm feeling suicidal, I tell myself to push it back for a week. See how I feel then. See if I come out of my rut. And I have, everytime.
That doesn't stop me from having a plan.
I would post something on here of course, but not PT. Nope. Not after all the work you guys go through to save someone. If I just posted here, I would still be saying goodbye, but no one would be able to do anything until it was too late.
I'm moving back home for the summer soon. I don't have a suicide plan for there, which is strange. I have one for everywhere. Hum. Things to ponder.
The human body can take so much shit. It's kind of ridiculous how fragile, yet how resilient we are. Strange strange strange.
I'm tired.
------
I definitely have a problem. With SOMETHING at least. I am NOT normal.
Either starve or binge. There IS no in between. I can't just eat normally. Nope.
Binge or starve.
Eat a little bit more than the limit you set for yourself? binge.
Binge binge binge.
You don't stop when you get full. hah. Nope. Not possible. Because even though your stomach is full, you're still hungry. It doesn't matter what you're eating, as long as you are.
You eat and eat and eat until you feel like you're going to explode. And then youre mad because you still want more.
Insatiable hunger. It's ridiculous.
This is ridiculous.
I'm ridiculous.
Fuck.
I'm also fat and lazy.
-----
I've rediscovered Sum41 again.
<333333
-------
I just purged. Peanut butter, which we all know is the most terrible thing in the world to purge.
Anyway, it was a particularly... violent purge, because I was frustrated and full and fat and had only a little time.
Anyway, I got a nose bleed.
I never get nose bleeds.
It wasn't too bad, but I was just curious. Has this ever happened to you before?
I don't have much time right now, so Ill elaborate later and probably post a topic on PT about it later.
OFF TO PARTY.
Also. There is this guy Ive been talking to a lot recently on facebook. I think he's cute because there is a part of me that loves corrupting innocent men, but my friends don't like him much. He's pretty nice though.
He doesn't drink though, so That leaves a drunken hookup out of the question.
He sits next to me in band, but we only have one rehearsal left.
Hum hum hum. We'll see.
------
1:57 AM.
Didnt get tooooo crazy drunk. I was drunk, but still in control. No vomit.
I ate four pieces of pizza though. KJLFSHDH. But there was no cheese, which knocks the calories down a shit load.
It was pretty crazy earlier. We didn't end up going to the club, but I guess I accidently returned the book my roommate needs for a speech to the library. It must have gotten mixed in with my Archaeology books.
Blahhhh. I feel bad.
Then I opened the fridge and her bottle of rum slid out and hit the floor funny, so it broke open. The entire UNOPENED bottle.
And I just did laundry, so of course I had to use all my clean towels to clean it all up. I took the blame for it, even though it wasn't my fault. Oh well. If it makes her feel better.
BUT. Now my closet REEKS of booze. Blah.
I feel like a fat fuck though. Ugh. So much food. It's ridiculous. I can feel my appetite winding down again though, so the fast shouldnt be too bad.
SO. Overall, today was another bad day. Eating wise and mentally. It was a depressed day. It also snowed.
Ive had 8 hours of sleep in the past 2 days. I do this thing in class where I write down words I think about and "sleep" was a big one. Also: tired, sad, fail, I'm Sorry, failure, fat, and jump.
Greattttt.
So. Back to the purging thing. This might be kind of graphic? Just a warning.
I was in the shower purging like normal. I had a short amount of time, so I tried to hurry things up. BUT. As we all know, peanut butter is the devil. It is satan. It just does NOT want to come up, and when it does, not only does it taste terrible, but it just HURTS.
So. This is my theory behind the bloody nose. Tell me if you think it's legit, because I'm pulling this out my ass.
I think it was the damn peanut butter.
It's such a bitch to purge, pressure builds up in your sinuses. Its like having a stuffy nose, but a thousand times worse.
Anyway, I was short on time and frustrated, so I was more hectic and frustrated than normal. Also, my gag reflex just did NOT want to work. I ended up losing a bit of control and did this crazy purge/gag/nothing coming up thing.
So, the pressure didn't release [not to mention I dont breathe much when I purge] causing a buildup which led to a brief bloody nose.
Fin.
But I dont have anything left to say. Fuck.
Did you know that blogger will tell you where your page is getting views from? I have almost 1000 views already. Most of you find me from PT, btu some of you find me from other blogs. It's interesting to me at least.
Pompeii. What else do I say on it? Lamesauce. Blah.
Isn't it strange how we love to fantasize about our own misfortune? We [at least I do, but we've already established my weirdness] tend to imagine various situations that are harmful to our bodies, and replay them over and over.
For example, I know I'm not alone on this one because we we talking about it on PT earlier. A common imagined situation is passing out in front of someone. What would they do? Would they care? Would they try to help? Would they puzzle everything together? Would they walk away and brush it off?
Another one is suicide. Maybe I'm completely alone on this, but I have several suicide plans. I also have several anti-suicide plans. Like when I'm feeling suicidal, I tell myself to push it back for a week. See how I feel then. See if I come out of my rut. And I have, everytime.
That doesn't stop me from having a plan.
I would post something on here of course, but not PT. Nope. Not after all the work you guys go through to save someone. If I just posted here, I would still be saying goodbye, but no one would be able to do anything until it was too late.
I'm moving back home for the summer soon. I don't have a suicide plan for there, which is strange. I have one for everywhere. Hum. Things to ponder.
The human body can take so much shit. It's kind of ridiculous how fragile, yet how resilient we are. Strange strange strange.
I'm tired.
------
I definitely have a problem. With SOMETHING at least. I am NOT normal.
Either starve or binge. There IS no in between. I can't just eat normally. Nope.
Binge or starve.
Eat a little bit more than the limit you set for yourself? binge.
Binge binge binge.
You don't stop when you get full. hah. Nope. Not possible. Because even though your stomach is full, you're still hungry. It doesn't matter what you're eating, as long as you are.
You eat and eat and eat until you feel like you're going to explode. And then youre mad because you still want more.
Insatiable hunger. It's ridiculous.
This is ridiculous.
I'm ridiculous.
Fuck.
I'm also fat and lazy.
-----
I've rediscovered Sum41 again.
<333333
-------
I just purged. Peanut butter, which we all know is the most terrible thing in the world to purge.
Anyway, it was a particularly... violent purge, because I was frustrated and full and fat and had only a little time.
Anyway, I got a nose bleed.
I never get nose bleeds.
It wasn't too bad, but I was just curious. Has this ever happened to you before?
I don't have much time right now, so Ill elaborate later and probably post a topic on PT about it later.
OFF TO PARTY.
Also. There is this guy Ive been talking to a lot recently on facebook. I think he's cute because there is a part of me that loves corrupting innocent men, but my friends don't like him much. He's pretty nice though.
He doesn't drink though, so That leaves a drunken hookup out of the question.
He sits next to me in band, but we only have one rehearsal left.
Hum hum hum. We'll see.
------
1:57 AM.
Didnt get tooooo crazy drunk. I was drunk, but still in control. No vomit.
I ate four pieces of pizza though. KJLFSHDH. But there was no cheese, which knocks the calories down a shit load.
It was pretty crazy earlier. We didn't end up going to the club, but I guess I accidently returned the book my roommate needs for a speech to the library. It must have gotten mixed in with my Archaeology books.
Blahhhh. I feel bad.
Then I opened the fridge and her bottle of rum slid out and hit the floor funny, so it broke open. The entire UNOPENED bottle.
And I just did laundry, so of course I had to use all my clean towels to clean it all up. I took the blame for it, even though it wasn't my fault. Oh well. If it makes her feel better.
BUT. Now my closet REEKS of booze. Blah.
I feel like a fat fuck though. Ugh. So much food. It's ridiculous. I can feel my appetite winding down again though, so the fast shouldnt be too bad.
SO. Overall, today was another bad day. Eating wise and mentally. It was a depressed day. It also snowed.
Ive had 8 hours of sleep in the past 2 days. I do this thing in class where I write down words I think about and "sleep" was a big one. Also: tired, sad, fail, I'm Sorry, failure, fat, and jump.
Greattttt.
So. Back to the purging thing. This might be kind of graphic? Just a warning.
I was in the shower purging like normal. I had a short amount of time, so I tried to hurry things up. BUT. As we all know, peanut butter is the devil. It is satan. It just does NOT want to come up, and when it does, not only does it taste terrible, but it just HURTS.
So. This is my theory behind the bloody nose. Tell me if you think it's legit, because I'm pulling this out my ass.
I think it was the damn peanut butter.
It's such a bitch to purge, pressure builds up in your sinuses. Its like having a stuffy nose, but a thousand times worse.
Anyway, I was short on time and frustrated, so I was more hectic and frustrated than normal. Also, my gag reflex just did NOT want to work. I ended up losing a bit of control and did this crazy purge/gag/nothing coming up thing.
So, the pressure didn't release [not to mention I dont breathe much when I purge] causing a buildup which led to a brief bloody nose.
Fin.
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