I had something to say, but I forgot.

So hi.

I went thriftng today.
Bought two new pairs of jeans and a pair of shorts. All size 5/6. = ]
Weight going down again.
FINALLY. Still terrible. Still a long way to go for my goal.

I miss everyone at college. They are all great people and I'm excited I'm going to live near a lot of people my standard group of friends talks to.

The people I hang around most of the time live in a different hall.
People I talk to occaisionally but my friends dont like live in the hall I am staying in.

I also bought a wicked awesome backyardigans laptop case [SCORE] and a pink mini lava lamp nightlight.
:D

AND JELLY SHOES. AWW YEAH. HOT PINK. FTW. 

Going home.

For the summer.

You are all amazing beautiful people.

Smaller less frequent posts from now on. 

You fooled me twice with your lies./Im getting old and need someone to rely on

Panic! at the Disco <3 =]

Archaeology final went fine.
Work until 5, then hair cut.

I might leave PT for a bit. I'm debating it.

I dont belong there.
I dont belong here.
I just dont belong anywhere.
----
Hair cut. Dumb bitch fucked it up.

Ate too much.
Had a headache so i didnt purge enough.

Philosophy final tomorrow. I'll bullshit that, too. Sigh.

Planning another binge before I get drunk tonight.


I'm fucking weak.
I need to purge. I need to pack. I need to weight myself
I can't. Im so afraid. Like, terrified of the scale. I don't think ive ever been  this afraid of it.
Im just freaking out in general.
Anxiety attacks. They're the best.

Breathe.
Again.

Breathe.


Fuck. I'm shaking. I can't do this. I need to get out. I need to do SOMETHING.

Fuck.

Fucking breathe, you dumb bitch.
----
just kidding. everything is better drunk.

intoxication.

I still love him. A lot. It's painful. Agonizing. We talked today. Its his birthday.
We laughed. It was almost like old times.

I miss him.

So much.
I want to cry. 

Im getting tired and I need somewhere to begin./ Anxiety

I hate making decisions. I don't want to make them.
I dont want to get old. I dont want to be here. I don't want responsibility. I dont want to be responsible.

I dont want to make decisions. Just decide for me.
Weighing options. It's too hard. I can't decide.

If I think about things too long, I cant decide. I have to do things spur of the moment. Make a decision and STAY with it. Stop thinking about it. That's what I did with both of my tattoos. Hah.

I can't make my own decisions.
----
Okay, sorry that was really vague. True in general though. It was about roommates for next year. Two people I dont know asked me to room with them in the nicest dorm hall on campus, but all my friends are in another hall.
I ended up telling them yes.


Ate too much again and didnt purge enough.
I need to go home.


I can't function today. I think I'll just hide in my room all night. Preferably alone.

I have a final tomorrow morning. I need to get some studying done tonight. At least Ill have an excuse to not talk to anyone.
-----
1221
More procrastinating.
I dont want to study. Fuck it.
I went to walmart and bought the new Panic! at the Disco CD. It's good. =] IM SO EXCITED FOR THEIR CONCERT. :D

I also bought a bunch of bracelet making stuff. I'll have time to do it tomorrow. I already made one.
I need enough so I can cut again.
Fuck. I want to so bad.

I'm also getting my hair cut tomorrow hopefully and my eyebrows done. We'll see.

I just told my friend like, my whole family-related life story. It was boring, but I just kept talking. lol.
Oh wellllll.

Hum. Tomorrow is a busy day.
I dont want to study.

I need to cut so bad right now.

lettersillneversend.com

Im so tired.
Fuck it, Ill bullshit this test. I dont care anymore.

DARREN CRISS/ Eating in front of others?

First, before I forget, Thank you, Love<3 for your comment. It made me smile. = ]

Just watched glee.

SO GOOD.

HIS HAIR CURL. Oh my god. There is just one single curl. And its the most adorable thing I have ever seen.

I love him so much. DONT CRY BLAINE. DONT CRY.

I already downloaded this. 

It was such a good episode. It was really raw to me. They all made shirts about what they were most insecure about, which seems really personal. 

If I made a shirt, I'm pretty sure it would say either "FAT" or "BULIMIC" but I don't know if I could wear it in front of a ton of people. 

I don't know If I would wear it at all. 

Ate too much again today, didn't purge enough. Blah. 

My weight is ridiculously high. 

Back to heavy restricting. Really. This shit has got to stop.

Blarghhhh. 

I need more PT. I need to do something.

I just want to be normal. I don't want to have to worry about what I eat and when I have to purge by. I don't want to have to worry about my weight or gaining weight.
I want to be normal.

Im too fat to recover. I'm not ready yet. Maybe later. like at 110 lbs. We'll see.
Fuck. i need to fast. But look where THAT got me last time. Fuck.



I'm probably going to keep adding to this all night. Just so you know.

Went tanning today. My tummy is burnt. Gross.

I feel disgusting. I am disgusting.

Why are you reading this? Why do you follow me? I'm just a fat fucking failure who just whines about how fat she is, while continuing to binge and purge.
I'm pathetic.

I want to be gone. I just want to not exist. I want to disappear. I want to die. I want to be alone and ignored and forgotten.
I don't want to think. Im tired. Im tired of everything. Im tired of school and people and myself and everything.
I just want to sleep.

I'm too fat to die. How sad is that? I can't die yet, because Im too fat.
----
11:53
I just had taco bell with my best friend.
I want to purge until I pass out. Call me whatever, I don't care.


Eating in front of others. It's a pretty hot topic on PT right now. For me, it depends on the people Im with.
Like my best friend, the one I had Tbell with. I can binge in front of him, and not feel anxious or uncomfortable at all. Or my family I can binge in front of.

Then there are friends that aren't THAT good of friends, like my roommate, so I can eat a normal amount in front of.

There are people I feel STARE at me and just JUDGE me while I eat, mostly people I dislike, like Elle. Then I eat next to nothing. Like a salad maybe.

There are people I want to influence, like my best friend from high school. I subconsciously want to send a message. Its one of two. Its either "I can eat a ton of food and still lose weight!" or "I'm trying so goddamn hard to eat healthy and lose weight."

Then there are a few people who completely avert me from food. These people fall into various categories, so I can't really generalize them. Like my ex boy friend and one of my friends now. I think these are just the people I want to see how fucked up I am. Anyway, if I'm eating or GOING to go eat and I see them, I literally turn and walk the other way. Or I throw my food out and pretty much RUN out of the cafeteria. I cannot physically eat in front of them. I freak out.

When I'm eating alone though, it's different. I fell like EVERYONE is staring at me. EVERYONE.
Like this morning, I started off good, I had half a cup of mango and a strawberry. [I fucked up at lunch and dinner. And now. SHIT] While I was eating it though, I felt like EVERYONE in the cafeteria was STARING at me. I freaked out then, too.

I don't know. I'm too fucked up to be normal, but not fucked enough to be fucked up.



I changed everything around again. Sorry. I was sick of all the color. Something is still.... off... but i dont know what it is right now.

I'm slipping. I can feel it. It's like Ive been clinging on for too long and my arms are letting go.
I feel like im letting go. I dont even feel like punctuating or capitalizing or working very hard to fix grammar/punctuation mistakes. which is syaing something because I am what you would call a grammar nazi.

Im just tired. Im tired of this, im tired of me, im tired of everything.
I just want to sleep forever. i want to be gone. i want to hide.

Maybe this si just another one of my late night mood swings, but whatever. i feel disgusting. I want to be gone. ugh.
im so tired.

Im tired of pretending. im tired of trying. im tired of hurting and existing and being. im tired of waiting. im tired of agony. im tired.

just. tired.
I want to be done with everything. i want to cease to exist. i just want to be done. gone. away. run hide.
fast slow pain death run slip jump fall dark black pitch empty nothing gone empty perfect. gone.
pills sleep nothing empty black sleep pass warm cold slow cold numb od sleep.

Waiting. Wait. wait wait wait. See what saturday brings? perhaps. 

Disgusting.

I dont think ive ever felt so repulsed with myself.
I feel disgusting.
Overall, I've gained weight since being home.

On the bright side, I was also promised a job that I can work like, 60 hrs/wk in, which will keep me busy and from binging.
Hoping hoping  hoping.

I think I can still make it to 130 by June 1, but I need to kick my ass into gear.
Fuck.

I hookahed and got drunk with Jordan on saturday night. We also smoked cigs together, which was interesting as well. Hum.
More partying tonight.

Hung out with my family on sunday.
They kind of repulse me. They're all really REALLY overweight.

I dont want to write more right now.

I'm just tired.

I'm fat and I just want to hide and disappear.
---
Ate dinner. Only able to purge a little. I'm a fucking failure.

My teeth look terrible. Ugh. Damn it.
Going to go party. I need to forget how gross I am. Mindless, emotionless, drunken fucking? Sounds great. 

Happy easter I guess.

I don't celebrate it. Sooo. Not personally at least. I mean, my mom always makes me an easter basket that she hides, but I think its more out of tradition than anything else.

I believe Jesus existed, and was crucified and was a prophet and such.
The son of god? No.
He rose? No.
God exists? No.

There is too much suffering in the world for me to believe anyone could let that happen.
Too many unanswered prayers.
I gave up my religion longgggg ago.

Anyway.
I'm staying at my old house tonight.
My parents are divorced.
My mom and I left after abuse and hate and a lot of bad shit went down.

It was bad.
I finally convinced her to move out. Either way I was leaving. Alone or with her didn't matter to me.
I told her I couldnt stay there. She said she would leave with me. My parents had had marriage problems almost all my life. Her moving out wasnt anything new or anything.

They divorced about a year later.

Anyway, after we moved out [we live in an apartment and she still has her terrible, $20,000/year job she got after we left] the house we used to live in went to shit.

Like, bad. You hear horror stories about disgusting houses? Yeah. This is worse.
I went to sit on a couch downstairs once and my brother told me "I wouldn't sit there if I were you." I asked him why not and he said "I think theres a dead mouse under there."
Ick.

I clean it everytime I'm there. I just cleaned off the staircase. They throw all their dirty clothes right onto the stairs. No, I agree. It doesn't make any sense. So I picked them all off and swept it off.
I had half a plastic bag full of shit when I was done.

Anyway. I took a shower before cleaning the stairs.

Ughhhhhhhhh.
I was afraid to touch it. The walls were like, black. Ugh.
I'm pretty sure it hasn't been cleaned since I did it when I was there like, a year and a half ago.

ONE AND A HALF YEARS.
Gross. Everything is mouldy and black and just gross.
Ughhhhh.
The sink? it's supposed to be white. Its brown.

No clean cups.
The sink and table are both full of dirty dishes.
The fridge smells like shit.
The stove is covered in crap.
The floor is also supposed to be white.

Nope. Dirt is literally, CAKED onto the ground. Ugh. Disgusting.
Half the lightbulbs need to be changed.
No cleaning supplies of course.

The broom is full of hair.
Cobwebs are everywhere. There is not a clean corner in the house.
The curtains haven't been washed since I did it last summer.
LAST. SUMMER.

Ugh.
My dad and brother just went to bed upstairs, so cleaning the bathroom is TECHNICALLY out. I don't want to wake them but ugh.....

Ick.



Also. I'm fat.
Happy easter everyone.
---------
I did laundry. God damn it. My brother is a little shit. Like, seriously.
I was changing the laundry fro the washer to the dryer and I literally found SHIT in the washer.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Goddamn it. Washing THAT all again. Fuck.

And I went up to find cleaning supplies for the shower, and my dad came out and asked me what I was looking for, and I said a sponge and he said "Don't have any."
Are. You. Joking.

Fuck that. I'll just sit on PT all night I guess.
Fuck. Maybe I'll get up early and clean while theyre all at church and shit.

Gross.

Also, my older sister's mattress that Im sitting on has springs sticking out of it ALL OVER. Ive already been scratched twice.
HOW THE HELL DOES SHE SLEEP ON THIS THING?!
----
1:25
NOW he wants to party.
Off to go celebrate the RISING OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST. Lol.

More laterr maybe?

I want to go home.

College is like a real home for me. Its so nice there.
I have people to talk to. I have ways to get somewhere. I'm not alone.

I like being alone.

But not when other people aren't.
Im needy. Im selfish. I suck.

BLAH.
I've binged a lot today. Without purging. I feel unbelievably disgusting. UGH

This is the first weekend ive been sober in MONTHS.

Blah. My life is boring.
Im boring.
Im disgusting.
im alone


My touchpad is being fucked. Its really annoying.

BLK:JFDKLHSUHFD

FUCK.
I need to find something to do.
Im at my shithole of a familys house. I'll probably go clean.
Hum

Home is boring.

Blahhhh.
I don't have internet access there. Hah. Hum. So I'm sitting in a mcdonalds. Blah.
There was a diabetic guy who passed out on his way in, and they took care of him and cleaned him up and gave him a free meal and such. It was nice.

Uhm. Anywayyy.
My old best friend from middle school [Mandy] texted me recently. We grew apart in high school, then started talking a bit again, then she deleted me on facebook out of nowhere.
Anyway, she added me again, and then texted me about my breakup and the new girl he was with and how I felt about it and such, since her ex is dating someone new.

I really hope this isn't some trick. It's really triggering talking about it. I don't WANT to think about how much it hurt. So if she's just digging for info on any "plots" I have to break them up, its a bitch move. But I dont really think it is anymore. Idk. I miss her. We used to hang out ALL THE TIME. We were pretty much sisters.

So. Lalala.
Yesterday was a HUGE B/P day. Like, I don't think ive ever purged that much.
I also CS again. Which I always feel bad about.

My weight is going down again. FINALLY. Still too gross to post. But going down.
All in all, I think I ingested less than 1000 cals.

Im gonna fast for the most part today. I've had some more chocolate almond milk [ITS SO GOOD] [400 cals?] but i saved some containers from my binge yesterday to use today.

Sad. Anyway. I dont knowwww.
Yesterday I b/p and played the sims. And then watched Criminal minds. :D

Today I woke up late and Im here. Idk what else im gonna do. Hum hum hum.

Ive decided to make Vegan mac and cheese for easter.

PT time! 

God damn it, Castrofreak!

Castrofreak, I'm sorry. If I wasn't so drunk I would have read your blog. I could have done something to make you feel better, or to make your life worth living or something.
God damn it woman, you scared the living shit out of me. Holy fuck.

GOD DAMN IT. I should have done or said something, and I'm sorry.

Anyway. I don't remember what I updated on last.
Got drunk last night. Ate more pizza than I can fathom counting.

Going to lunch soon. I have so much more packing to do. It's insane.
Leaving for home at 3, so there will be a lull [Finally, right?] in my updates.

I love you all.
Castrofreak, if you're going to attempt suicide again, then at least wait until I'm online so I can talk you out of it.
Words cannot express how glad I am that you are okay.
You scared me so badly. 

I want to binge.

On just about everything.
THATS WHAT FOOD PORN IS FOR! :D

Anywayyyy. I think I'm going to make a binge purge day. Hum hum hum.
I COULD do friday. Hum. But then I'll break my fast with a binge/purge which probably isn't a good idea.
Saturday my mom is home all day, so I cant then. Sunday is Easter with the family so thats out, too. Then Monday we are leaving back to college in the afternoon, so I wont have enough time.

Which leaves friday. Hmmmmm.
Maybe I'll fast through weds, then Thursday is a 500 day, so I can have un petit mange-ing [Haha]
Then Friday can be a bing/purge. Like, all day. :D

GOOD GOOD.

Hum hum hum. I don't know what low cal vegan dish I should make for sunday. Hm.
Any ideas? = ]

Most likely more later.
-----
Fucked up.
More later tonight.
Also,I just got like, a gajillion hits in a few hours. What's up with that?
----
going to party soon so brief.

Fuck the SGD. I want to purge. I like purging. Maybe im just weird.
Ate. Purged.
Going to party and drink.
Might have pizza later.

I want to binge/purge more.

Fuck.
----
Wasted already!

Note to self: tell about Mandy! 

Judas-judah-ah. SGD? Yes.

I changed stuff around again. Of course you noticed.
I don't have a favorite color. I think If I did it would be green. I like green just a little bit more than any other color.
Now I have more color but still a lack of it? I don't know what I'm trying to say.

I have to study for a test. more later.
---------
Okayyy. Test went decently. I think I passed at least. Also, I got my Archaeology paper back today. It was only 6 pages instead of 8, and I bullshitted most of it, but I STILL GOT A B-.
Awwww yeah. Like a boss. = ]

After my test I went into the cafeteria and had half a roll [estimated 50 cal? Better safe than sorry] and three glasses of Diet Coke. Hum hum hum.
Then I got really freakishly cold and had crazy chills so I left.

I think I'm going to fast until Saturday at 145 [exactly 120 hours] and do the skinny girl diet from there.

I think I can do it. Hum hum hum. So it's supposed to start on a monday [today] and the red days are supposed to be weekends, which works really well for me. So I'll break my fast on saturday, which I will be home for and my mom has off so 650 is quite doable.

This is weird. I normally don't do "diets." I did part of the ABC, but only made it like, 11 days. SGD has a higher success rate.

The rules are: Fruits and veggies don't count, so as many as you want for those. [I'm not sure how I will follow that, but it works for days when I am forced to eat out and such.]
Work out at least 30 min 5x a week So I'm gonna try for that, but I dont know how THAT will work either. I dont have gym access at home, so we'll see I guess.
Any extra calories MUST be burnt out in cardio. I like that but again, no gym access so I don't know how I will count that accurately. I'll try.

Hum hum hum. We'll see. I'd pick the ABC, but the counts for the weekends are too low, and its for 50 days instead of 30. Hm.

I think I will do this one and just add fasting whenever I can. I might add a few B/P days too. We'll seeee. = ]

So tonight I'm going to be at Target for dinner, shopping and such. I'm gonna take my time.
Tomorrow I'm having a "study session" for the "Archaeology Final" which we're meeting for dinner for. I have to convince Jordan to come back Weds night so I can tell him I'll eat at home with my family and tell them I already ate. Thursday I'm having dinner with a friend. Friday we're partying. Saturday I won't get up until late, so I dont have to eat until 2. Then 650 that day and 650 on Sunday [Easter]. I think I can get by with salad or something? Or maybe I'll bring a low cal vegan dish to share. We'll seeeee.

PLAN. DONE.
I feel much better now. I also feel bad for you if you actually read that. Haha.
I feel sooooo much more in control again. FINALLY. And I dont feel as shitty today, so I think fasting will go fine.

ALSO. FASTING RULES. Water/diet coke ONLY. Calorie drinks are NOT okay, unless I feel like I'm in imminent danger. Alcohol cals don't count.

Hum hum hum. I think I'll go on PT for a while, then I'm offfff. More later most likely.
-----
Went shopping. I found out my new jean size.
My favorite pair right now are pretty big on me. They are size 11.
I was going through clothes and I found out my new size is 6.

SIX.
Shit son! Goddamn! I dont think Ive EVER been a size six!
Anywayyyy. I went through clothes. I looked at food for a long time. I went home and told Jordan I went to Taco Bell. I went to the cafeteria with him because he tricked me and told me he had relationship news to tell me.

It was lame. I had 3 glasses of Diet Coke. [Success]
Then we inventoried our booze and determined we have enough to party tomorrow night.
Crazy kids getting crunk on a tuesday. Haha

Then I showered and started packing/cleaning.
Elle was in our room. She STILL HAS MY FUCKING TANK TOP. God DAMN it!
SO I was awkwardly cleaning/packing AROUND all the shit my roommate has lying EVERYWHERE, and then she started packing a little, and then left with Elle to go somewhere [I dont care where] and left shit and boxes and paper and clothes EVERYWHERE. So I cleaned a bunch of that shit up.

Maybe more later? I dont know.
-----
11:30
Going to bed soon I think.
I just ate a bunch of a fruit and nut mix. I'm pretty pissed but I'm not going to beat myself up TOO hard [literally lol] because I'm still under 400 for today. I think.
UGH. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A PERFECTLY EVEN 120. Fuck.

I'm a fuck up. I fuck up EVERYTHING. Fuck.
110 is still even enough I guess. Sigh.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. 

I'm still in love with Judas, baby./Youre amazing.

Well shit I feel like I have had no internet in forever. It's probably just because so much shit went down this weekend.
It hasnt actually been that long. I'll start from where I left off I guess. [Fuck, I have such a headache right now.]

We went and drank a bunch before the concert. G came in for a bit. I've seen a lot of him this weekend. We talked to him briefly in the hallway in Friday, too. Then we chatted very briefly at lunch this morning.

Anyway, we got pretty wasted and went to the concert. I was pretty far gone. Like, rolling on the floor gone.
When I get really drunk, floors are the most comfortable thing in the world. And rolling around on them is even better. I think I'm secretly a cat.

[Fuck fuck fuck. my head hurts so bad. I feel like im gonna vomit.]

So we went to the concert and chatted with a bunch of people. Danced a bit. It was really fucking hot, so I took my shirt off so I was just wearing my tank top [gross, I know].

I dont remember if OK Go was good or not. lol. I think they were.
We ended up leaving a few songs before the end of their set.

We were going to go to a party over at one of my friend's friend's house, so we went and saw him and ended up not going I guess.
Soooo we went to Nick's again who I had sex with again. I'll elaborate in a minute.

Before we left to go visit my friend [I had some of his beer, too. ick. I hate beer.] we [my roommate and my friend T] were waiting for stupid fucking Elle to get her shit together, which took forever like always. Anyway, I ended up arguing with my roomie about her. I dont remember exactly what we said, but I was really fucking pissed, and we were talking about the HUGE bitch move she did [making out with a love interest of mine AFTER I left, and then not telling me about it] and my roommate was DEFENDING HER.

Fuck that shit. Are you kidding me? There is nothing to defend. It was a bitch move and it STILL fucking pisses me off. Like, a lot. And I know I said something about how I didnt want her to come, and my roomie said I was trying to start drama and then I got MORE pissed.

Bahhhh anyway.
Then Elle wanted to bring ANOTHER friend, so we had a total of 3 more people going than I wanted. Jordan invited my roomie, who invited Elle, who invited Sam. So I didn't try very hard to get them to the one party, so that didnt work out.

Then we didn't have enough DD's for everyone to go, so the three of them didn't end up going to the party [YESSSSS]

So we were driving there, and my friend Dane hadnt been drinking yet, so he drove. T was done drinking so she was gonna drive back. Actually. I dont remember getting in the car. I remember leaving the house, but not getting in the car. Hum.

Anyway, Dane was driving and a cop pulled us over on the way there. She stopped us because dane "didnt stop" at the stop sign we just went through [BULL FUCKING SHIT. He DID stop!]. She asked if we had been drinking and of COURSE we said no. And then she said "So if I made you all take a breathalyzer you would all blow zeros?" and we said yes and I was freaking out a bit. lol. We ARE minors. Anyway, T said that we were coming back from a restaurant, and she has no record of anything [it was her car] so we think thats why the cop let us off.

Hahahaha I love this next part.
We went to Nick's and Jordan and I saw a guy there we went to high school with, which was really crazy.
Then hahahaha we played truth or dare. Jordan has an app on his phone that is a naughty truth or dare game.
I dont remember most of them, but one was I had to trade a clothing item with a guy, so nick ended up wearing my tank top and I was wearing his shirt.

Then. BAHAHAHA WIN. This one really cute guy had to take off my bra and I had to go braless all night.
Holy shit.
I've never had my bra removed so quickly. It was like BAM! YOURE GONE!.
Shit. I dont think I could take it off that fast. It was insane. Fuck. It took, literally, about a second.

Then I don't remember anything until Nick and I went to go have sex.
It was okay. I was pretty drunk.
The aftermath though: I have four HUGE hickeys on my neck, and one on my shoulder. Also, I feel like I just rode a bike for miles. Haha. I'm pretty sore. ;] And part of my lip is purple.

We left shortly after that, and went to bed at about 4.

Woke up at 11 to get ready for an abortion clinic fundraiser. It was a bowling thing and we all had team names. We were the "Mama Grizzlys" which is what Sarah Palin calls herself I guess. Anyway, we dressed up like housewives. It was cute. I have a picture...

There. I made it all big and stuff. I like how my arm looks in this one. My legs and tummy are disgusting. Left to right is: 

Fat fucking bitch Elle, her "boyfriend?" Theyre together but not officially. Then my roommate, then me, then my BFF jordan. = ] 

Anyway, that was pretty fun. Jordan got a really hot gay guy's number. Its cute. = ] 

I had a strange thought while I was there. there was this girl there and her arm was as big as my thigh. no joke. But I still felt fatter than her. Blarg.

Then we got back at about 545, and I had to get ready to be at my concert at 630. I showered and got out of the shower at 613, and rushed to get ready. The concert went okay I guess. I could have done better. 

I only knew two people that went. Of course my roommate and fucking Elle couldnt go. But when I dont go to something for them, they get all pissed. Fuck that shit. 

So now I'm typing this with a terrible hangover. Still. My head feels like its going to explode and I feel like Im going to puke. 

Shit shit shit.

Also, I'm still fucking huge.
I skipped dinner, same tomorrow hopefully.

goddddd I feel like shit. 

------
I went to "sleep" for two hours, but I woke up to take some aspirin. [I just took six, so I should be fine soon]
Fuck. I ate everything though. So much for this fasting shit.
I might just make this a heavy restricting week.
We'll see how I feel tomorrow I guess.
-----
You all.
Are the best people ever.

haylee0x [PT member] posted a goodbye on her tumblr after she took a whole bottle of antidepressants.
diNOSdavey saw it and posted a thread on PT. They were able to locate her and called the police, who got in contact with her grandfather who gave them her address. They called her father, who found her unconscious with the empty bottle, and they called an ambulance.
She's fine now.

This is just so amazing, and one of the thousand reasons I love everyone on PT so much.
You guys are fucking awesome. I'm so proud of you.

We don't hear about a lot of member deaths, which is MORE than awesome. For people who have such high depression levels, we do fucking awesome.

I love youuuu. = ] <3
I'm going to bed now.
---
One more thing.
My ass? Feels awesome right now. I dont know if it was the sex, or walking in hells all day, but it feels great. Haha. RANDOMMMM. = ]

Dont you have anything better to be doing?

GET SHIT DONE. = ]

I tried to be perfect, but nothing was worth it.

I didn't weigh myself this morning.
I'm really ridiculously afraid of what it will say. Like, shit son.
Ive always heard about how people are "afraid to weigh" themselves, but I am truly, honestly TERRIFIED.

I ate another HUGE lunch. Goddamn breaded mushrooms get me every FUCKING time.
Fuck.

On a lighter note, we have a building grill thing tomorrow, then I'm doing a bowl-a-thon fundraiser until 5, then I can shower and get ready for my concert, allowing me to skip dinner.
Then on Monday I have to go to Target, so hopefully I can get a lot of time out of that and miss dinner.
I haven't gotten to Tuesday yet.

I love Sum41. So much. I always forget how much I love them. Ahhhh.

OK Go is playing a concert at my college tonight. CRAZY.

Hum. Any ideas on my purging thing? I don't really care that much anymore. hum hum hum.

More later. 

All our truth should be left alone./ PURGING QUESTION. Graphic?

I'm tired. I want to go to bed. I have 4 pages to write yet.
But I dont have anything left to say. Fuck.

Did you know that blogger will tell you where your page is getting views from? I have almost 1000 views already. Most of you find me from PT, btu some of you find me from other blogs. It's interesting to me at least.

Pompeii. What else do I say on it? Lamesauce. Blah.

Isn't it strange how we love to fantasize about our own misfortune? We [at least I do, but we've already established my weirdness] tend to imagine various situations that are harmful to our bodies, and replay them over and over.
For example, I know I'm not alone on this one because we we talking about it on PT earlier. A common imagined situation is passing out in front of someone. What would they do? Would they care? Would they try to help? Would they puzzle everything together? Would they walk away and brush it off?

Another one is suicide. Maybe I'm completely alone on this, but I have several suicide plans. I also have several anti-suicide plans. Like when I'm feeling suicidal, I tell myself to push it back for a week. See how I feel then. See if I come out of my rut. And I have, everytime.
That doesn't stop me from having a plan.
I would post something on here of course, but not PT. Nope. Not after all the work you guys go through to save someone. If I just posted here, I would still be saying goodbye, but no one would be able to do anything until it was too late.

I'm moving back home for the summer soon. I don't have a suicide plan for there, which is strange. I have one for everywhere. Hum. Things to ponder.

The human body can take so much shit. It's kind of ridiculous how fragile, yet how resilient we are. Strange strange strange.

I'm tired.
------

I definitely have a problem. With SOMETHING at least. I am NOT normal.
Either starve or binge. There IS no in between. I can't just eat normally. Nope.
Binge or starve.
Eat a little bit more than the limit you set for yourself? binge.
Binge binge binge.
You don't stop when you get full. hah. Nope. Not possible. Because even though your stomach is full, you're still hungry. It doesn't matter what you're eating, as long as you are.
You eat and eat and eat until you feel like you're going to explode. And then youre mad because you still want more.

Insatiable hunger. It's ridiculous.
This is ridiculous.
I'm ridiculous.
Fuck.

I'm also fat and lazy.
-----
I've rediscovered Sum41 again.
<333333
-------
I just purged. Peanut butter, which we all know is the most terrible thing in the world to purge.
Anyway, it was a particularly... violent purge, because I was frustrated and full and fat and had only a little time.
Anyway, I got a nose bleed.
I never get nose bleeds.
It wasn't too bad, but I was just curious. Has this ever happened to you before?
I don't have much time right now, so Ill elaborate later and probably post a topic on PT about it later.
OFF TO PARTY.

Also. There is this guy Ive been talking to a lot recently on facebook. I think he's cute because there is a part of me that loves corrupting innocent men, but my friends don't like him much. He's pretty nice though.
He doesn't drink though, so That leaves a drunken hookup out of the question.
He sits next to me in band, but we only have one rehearsal left.

Hum hum hum. We'll see.
------
1:57 AM.
Didnt get tooooo crazy drunk. I was drunk, but still in control. No vomit.
I ate four pieces of pizza though. KJLFSHDH. But there was no cheese, which knocks the calories down a shit load.

It was pretty crazy earlier. We didn't end up going to the club, but I guess I accidently returned the book my roommate needs for a speech to the library. It must have gotten mixed in with my Archaeology books.
Blahhhh. I feel bad.

Then I opened the fridge and her bottle of rum slid out and hit the floor funny, so it broke open. The entire UNOPENED bottle.
And I just did laundry, so of course I had to use all my clean towels to clean it all up. I took the blame for it, even though it wasn't my fault. Oh well. If it makes her feel better.
BUT. Now my closet REEKS of booze. Blah.

I feel like a fat fuck though. Ugh. So much food. It's ridiculous. I can feel my appetite winding down again though, so the fast shouldnt be too bad.


SO. Overall, today was another bad day. Eating wise and mentally. It was a depressed day. It also snowed.

Ive had 8 hours of sleep in the past 2 days. I do this thing in class where I write down words I think about and "sleep" was a big one. Also: tired, sad, fail, I'm Sorry, failure, fat, and jump.
Greattttt.


So. Back to the purging thing. This might be kind of graphic? Just a warning.
I was in the shower purging like normal. I had a short amount of time, so I tried to hurry things up. BUT. As we all know, peanut butter is the devil. It is satan. It just does NOT want to come up, and when it does, not only does it taste terrible, but it just HURTS.

So. This is my theory behind the bloody nose. Tell me if you think it's legit, because I'm pulling this out my ass.
I think it was the damn peanut butter.
It's such a bitch to purge, pressure builds up in your sinuses. Its like having a stuffy nose, but a thousand times worse.
Anyway, I was short on time and frustrated, so I was more hectic and frustrated than normal. Also, my gag reflex just did NOT want to work. I ended up losing a bit of control and did this crazy purge/gag/nothing coming up thing.

So, the pressure didn't release [not to mention I dont breathe much when I purge] causing a buildup which led to a brief bloody nose.

Fin. 

lalala. La.Blahdy blah.

I dont know what I should put for a title.

Ate wayyyyyyyyyy too much again today.
Purged dinner.

Its strange. I never really thought of myself as having a phobia about eating in front of people, but I kind of do I guess. I feel like everyone is staring at me when I eat. So when I eat alone, I move to a different spot in the cafeteria like, three times. I just realized how strange that was today. I can't sit in the same spot when I'm eating. I feel like everyone is staring and judging me.

Another weird thing about me.
I can't touch people. I hate being touched. It just seems... unnecessary. Like, just don't touch me, and we're fine. Unless I'm drunk. Then I touch EVERYONE. Not sexually. [well sometimes.] Like hugs and stuff. I'm just weird I guess.
I think It's because my last/ex boyfriend was pretty controlling, and he would get mad when I would touch other people. So that is part of it I guess. That, and the fact that I'm disgusting of course.

I can't wait for next week. I should be done with my period sometime later this week, which means FASTING.
MMMM
YES.
FASTING. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!
Lose all of this disgusting fat and food weight.
Disgusting.
Soooooon.
Fasting sunday night? through thursday.
I'm going home weds night, which means I have all weekend to eat pretty much nothing, and purge whenever I want.

FINALLY.
I have another paper to finish tonight, then a test on monday, then two finals and I'm done with school until the fall.
HOPEFULLY I can get back down to 140/low 140s by the day we move out.
Then 130 by June 1.
And more from there.

115 by next fall. AT LEAST.


Hum hum hum. I was going to say something. I had a lot to say today. I don't remember. I'll probably come back to this later.

Oh. We are partying tomorrow night, but I don't think we are going to Hooters/girls gone wild. Lame. Oh well. We'll probably just party here.
I'm really excited though, because there is this one cute guy who is partying with us this weekend. Maybe something will happen? i don't know. Hah. We'll see.
------

I REMEMBER NOW.
I was going to talk about body dismorphia.
Body Dysmorphic Disorder [BDD] is, according to the Mayo Clinic,
"a type of chronic mental illness in which you can't stop thinking about a flaw with your appearance — a flaw that is either minor or imagined. But to you, your appearance seems so shameful that you don't want to be seen by anyone. Body dysmorphic disorder has sometimes been called "imagined ugliness."

When you have body dysmorphic disorder, you intensely obsess over your appearance and body image, often for many hours a day."

Hum. Interesting.
I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am making up all the fat I see, but then I feel it's deserved.
Like, earlier today. I was looking at myself in the mirror and I thought, "What is wrong with you? You look fine. You look normal. No one else cares, only you do."
But then a few hours later I thought the exact opposite.
"What the fuck were you thinking? Ugh. Just LOOK at those legs. How could you HONESTLY think that you looked good? You don't. You look terrible. And fat. And disgusting."

And about 5 minutes before THAT, I was walking behind a girl who was wearing skinny jeans. She might have weighed 165? I'm not sure. Anyway, I thought, "Man, I wish my legs were that nice. She has nice legs."
But. I'm about 20 lbs less than her, so what does THAT say?

Maybe I'm just weird. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm sicker than I thought.

I always switch between thinking I have an Eating Disorder problem, and thinking I'm fine: normal, nothing wrong with me.
Then I remember Im not normal. A normal person wouldn't obsess over their fat or their weight. A normal person doesn't fast. A normal person eats more than once a day. A normal person doesn't purge, or spend hours on ED networks. A normal person doesn't waste their life looking at food porn and thinspo.

I don't know what I'm trying to say.
I'm just frustrated.
And fat.

I don't know what I feel. I think I'm sad maybe.

I want to binge. Like, hardcore.

My teeth hurt. 

If it looks like I'm laughing, I'm really just asking to leave

I ate lunch today. Gross. A normal lunch.
Fuckshitbitchwhoremotherfuckermotherfuckingshitfuck.

Also ate a huge dinner. And didn't purge.
Then had a sandwich.

Fuckshitbitchcuntwhoremotherfuckingfuckup

Dinner tomorrow. Purge it.

I just feel like a fat fuck up.
khtkfghjh

And yes, I love MCR. = ]


My cramps are terrible today.

I have a paper and a presentation due in the morning. I have to get ready for work at 630.
Its 1223.

Fuck. Procrastinating. lalalala.

My cramps hurt. A lot.

Fuck this shit.

I just read on PT that your thigh measurement have to be 20 in to fit in a size zero. I don't believe that. Mine are 22. Righttttt. Maybe 20 in for BOTH of your thighs. I MIGHT be a size 7. I don't know. I havent gone shopping in a while.

20 doesn't seem right though.
------
A cute guy from my philosophy class started talking to me on facebook. [About the paper we are supposed to be writing lol but besides the point.]
Another way to procrastinate. And to think. I JUST closed PT and started working. Haha Nope! :D
-----
Blah. 2:18 AM.

I'm such a fat fuckup.
God, I suck.

Done with my presentation. I have a paragraph and a sentence done of my six page paper.
4.5 hours left.

If the world were ending would you kiss me or just leave me?

PANIC AT THE DISCO. SOON. AHHHHH Im so excited. = ]]]]]

Wouldn't it be crazy if we lived in a world where eating disorders were accepted?
"Oh hey, Want to go on a date? Awesome. How does dinner sound? Oh, you're anorexic? No big, what about a movie?"
"Ohhh You have to purge? Yeah, sure, you may be excused. The bathroom is three doors down and on the left. Do you want us to wait to start the movie?"
"I'm gonna make a cake, do you want any? No? Do you want to help make it?"
"Hey, I'm going to the grocery store, do you need anything? Oh, so just diet coke then? Alright, I'll be back soon."
"Wanna go get a salad? Oh, youre fasting? That's cool. Do you want me to grab you a water?"
"Hey, it's just me. You passed out. Here. Have a bit of juice. It's diet, don't worry."

Instead it goes more like this [if you were to say anything at all]
"Oh hey, want to go on a date? Awesome how does dinner sound? Ohhhh.... Uhm. Well, some other time then maybe."
"You've been in the bathroom for a while, is everything okay?"
"I'm gonna make a cake. Do you want two pieces or three?"
"I'm going to the store. How does pizza sound for dinner?"
"Oh my fucking god. Eat a fucking sandwich."
"LYKE OMGZ. YOU PASSED OUT. YOU NEED TO EAT SOMETHING."

Sigh. If only.

I'm gonna start setting my posts so they post at 11:59. Then at least you know I'm done adding to it.
I am going to fast next week. Monday through thursday I think. I need a binge week.

I've noticed my ED goes in cycles.
Fast/heavy restricting.
Binge/purge
HEAVY binge/normal eating/some purging.
Light binge/purge.
Restrict
Fast.

Hm. Interesting.

You guys don't know a lot about me.
My name is Sylvia. Some people call me Sylvie as a nickname. A lot of people on PT call me zombie.
I am 18. I have an older sister [20] A younger sister [17] and a younger brother [8].
I play trombone and I have a lovehate relationship with it.
My parents are divorced. I live with my mom, who is really poor. We lived on welfare for a while, so I always get really mad when people say that everyone abuses it. My mom smokes, so all my stuff smells like smoke.
My old house is a complete shithole. I go over there a lot to clean it.
Everyone in my family is overweight, obese, or morbidly obese. [Except me, who is just barely average]

I love music except country.
I dont really have a favorite band, but I have a bunch. Panic! At The Disco, My Chemical Romance, The Beatles, Mika, Savatage, and Lady Gaga. I love swing. = ]

I love line dried laundry. = ] Hum hm hum. I dont knwo what else for now.
I'm really good at faking happy. I laugh all the time, and at pretty much everything. This is the only place I let my depression show.

I miss how things used to be.
----
11:24

I ate THREE MEALS today.
Blahhhhh. Purged dinner.
Ate peanut butter.
Might have a sandwich.

I HATE BEING A WOMAN.
I want my periods to stop and I want to be an A or B cup.

DSKF:LH
God damn it.

I'm weak. I'm fat. I'm pathetic. I'm just going to cross my fingers and hope it raises my metabolism.
Hoping hoping hoping.

This is ridiculous. UGH.
I feel disgusting.

Fasting next monday tuesday weds thurs.
Dinner only tomorrow [purged].
Dinner only thurs. [purged]
Dinner only friday. We are going out to eat maybe so I dont know what I'm going to with that.

Ughhhhhh. I just need to go home. Where I can starve in peace.

I want a diet coke. 

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry.

You dont know how lovely you are. I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart. Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions, lets go back to the start.

I don't know how I feel right now.
I was feeling better earlier today, so I wore my romper without leggings.
Ughhhh. HUGE self esteem hit. Not doing THAT again anytime soon. Blah.

I got to work with the really hot guy in my religion class today. We did group stuff and I just tried not to stare. We talked once, and it turns out he loves my favorite books series, too. = ] He has a girlfriend, and WAY too hot for me though.

My weight is ridiculous. I can't even think about it right now, much less post it.
Had a huge lunch binge today. Purged a little more than half of it.
Salad for dinner.

I'm on my fucking period. Fuck. And I'm broke. So I used my money to do laundry to buy tampons instead. Ugh.

Ugh.
Just kidding. I know how I feel. I feel the same. Terrible.
waitwaitwaitwait.

I can't swim. It's flood season. The river is pretty high. Mhmmm.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Wait.

I need to escape to somewhere. I need to run. I need to do something.
I need to get out.

It's not getting easier. It's a lie. Everything is a lie. I'm lied to all the fucking time and I'm so fucking sick of it. It doesn't get better. It gets worse.
I can't handle this. I can't do it.

Nap. Napping makes everything better.
-------
Nap helped a little.
-----
11:56

I think I need to fast again. Maybe then I won't feel like a fat fuck, and then I wont be so depressed. Hm.
Soon? yes. 

[Not] Brief [at all]/ Before and Afters?/Rantishlameshit

So I can BOMBARD YOU GUYS WITH PICTURES! [Befores and currents, with weights]

My dress broke. IT FUCKING FIT. And then the zipper went all fucked.
KDJFHDJS:LFKJS>K
So I had to wear my old purple dress.
I was freaking out about it and fussing over myself while looking in the mirror, and my roommate said "Stop freaking out okay? Jeeze. It's like you have body dysmorphia or something." I froze. Really. Then I tried to laugh it off.

Night was pretty low key.
Ate too much. Drank. Danced. Made flirty eye contact with a cute guy from my philosophy class. Drank.  Went to bed.
I already ate too much today [A sandwich, veggie burger, and fruit] but I'm not too worried because I am probably going to skip dinner tonight.
PICTURES.

High school Junior [Stay at home] Prom! 160 maybe? I don't remember. I didn't have my ED at that time.

 This is the new bitch my ex is dating. GOD THIS PICTURE IS DISGUSTING. Same dress I wore last night.

My ex. 

SENIOR PROM! 185 I think? It was like, a month after my ED came back. I dropped about 10 lbs before prom so I thought I looked AMAZING. Hah. Riiight.

Ick. With the Ex.  

Anddd Me with the girl who pretty much single handedly made my ED SO much worse. 

NOW! 140 = ]. 

Full Body

Showing my fat fat dumb tummy and arms

Spare Tire. 

Muffin top.

And fat arms. 

My old prom pictures make me want to cry. I'll have a bunch of "before" pictures from when I was 165, 160,  and 150, but I'm not going to post those until I'm AT LEAST 130. 

-----

9:17 PM

I ate dinner.

I ate too much. I have to check to be sure but I'm estimating 900 calorie dinner.

DLSKHFGDHJSK>SH

GROSS.

DISGUSTING.

I don't know why i'm freaking out so much. 

I COULDNT have gained any REAL weight, and I know that. 

But 141 just seems... Ugh. Like failure. 138 WAS RIGHT THERE. I HAD IT. 

Now I'm further away.

Summer is coming soon. I'm going to be home in about 3 weeks. 

Finally. 

Home. 

Alone. 

Then I can EASILY get down to 130, and further from there. I haven't decided a next goal weight after that. 

Probably 115? By when though? Hum. 

I have a concert on July 4th.

That's a good date.

Yessir. 

Then 100 by the beginning of school again. 

It sounds reasonable when I think about it this way.

But 100 by Sept 1? 

That just seems unfathomable. Hum. 

125 right now seems unfathomable. 

Body dysmorphic my ass. 

I'm fat. I'm huge. I'm a fucking whale. 

I'm disgusting. This needs to change. 

--------

Late. 

Well shit. It's one of those times.

Hopeless. Sad. Numb. 

Nothing. 

It's one of those times I just keep telling myself, "go to sleep. It will be better in the morning. Wait for it to pass. See how you feel on Saturday. push through, just for a little longer." 

Ah, but fuck, each time it comes, it gets harder to resist. So tempting. 

Fuck this is so hard. It would be so easy, then it would be over. Everything would be gone. So easy. 

Wait. Put it off, like you put off everything. See how you feel tomorrow. 

I'm tired of hurting. I'm tried of not feeling. I'm tired of the numbness. I'm tired of being fat. 

I'm just so fucking tired. 

And things could be so easy. Its so tantilizing and so close. Half a second. An overbalance and youre done. 

No.

Wait. 

I just hurt, and I just want it all to be over. Fuck. this isn't fair. I don't understand what I did to deserve this.
I always tell people that it gets better, but I don't know. I just don't know. I still hurt just as bad.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say.

Fuck fuck fuck.
I need to go to bed.
I dont want to.
I wouldnt be able to.
It will be better in the morning.
I hurt too much.
I'll just wait until I pass out from exhaustion.

Fuck.
It shouldn't hurt so much. No one should ache this much. 

Fucking weak/YESS

I broke my fast.
6 COMPLETE days. On to the 7th.
SO FUCKING CLOSE.

But I'm too fucking weak and useless. I have no self control.

Oh. You know what I broke it with? Hah.
Oreos. And Peanut Butter. And Pizza.
All the most TERRIBLE things to purge. [Even though I didn't purge. Not really.]

So Uhm. Last night. Let's see.
We didn't go party. We just partied in my dorm room.

Binged, drank, binge drank, watched a movie. Blah.
The guy I worked with came over.

Hah, this is a good story.
He came over and we were sitting on my bed because the futon was full of people and we were watching a movie. He had his arm around me. It was nice.
I found out he is a sophomore. I thought it was strange because he seemed young. Oh well, I though he was gay too. Nope.

Anyway, he was pretty handsy. I didnt really mind, except for the fact that I just binged and wanted to puke. Oh well. [I found out later that my tummy didn't feel as flabby as I thought I guess.]
He was handsy sexually, which wasn't bad because he knew what he was doing, but this is the strange part.
He kept going over my bones.
Like, the ones I go over. Like, he kept rubbing my hip bones [my favorite to feel] and my collar bones and my ribs. It was kinda strange.
And he gave me a nice back rub. = ]
Anyway he was just very sweet the whole time. He was playing with my hair, and he kissed my hair and my neck. It was cute. = ]
We didn't end up having sex because there were a lot of people in the room. He had a good size dick. :D I would have. Damn. Oh well. Maybe tonight? We'll see.

He left and I went and showered and ended up puking of course.
Fasting + Alcohol + Pizza + Peanut Butter + Oreos = Vomit. DUH. Obviously. They were too complex for my body to handle.
Fuck you body. Salad and soup tonight.
137.6 this morning.
WHAT THE FUCK?
I'll take it. I know it's accurate because I triple checked it. Hum..
But I've had like, 5 oreos already and a little tiny bit of peanut butter. And half a bottle of diet coke.
Blah.

ELLE. GOD I HATE HER SO MUCH. Go away. I hate you. Get out of my life. Leave me alone.
She just came in and asked to borrow a pair of black leggings.
They wouldn't fit your fat ass. Get out.
I told her they were dirty.

SHE STILL HAS MY FAVORITE BLACK TANK TOP.
And she's only used a bunch of my hemp and nail polish remover.

Mooch. Go away. Go eat something.


Prom tonight.
I don't know if the dress will fit.
KFHLSDHFBL

I don't like PT's new swan water thing.
I DON'T LIKE CHANGE.
JUST STAY THE SAME, GOD DAMN IT.

I just did measurements.
Thigh: 22 1/4
Waist: 28
Hips 34.5.
Arms: 11.5

Disgusting.
-----------
IT FITS.
MY PROM DRESS FUCKING FITS.

AHHHHHHH IM SO GODDAMN HAPPY.

Anyway, ate too much dinner, purged.
Went to half of a drumming thing.
Now I'm going to get ready, eat a sandwich, drink and party.

I am 140.2 right now. [Blah] BUT. It's still at the goal I set. = ]

30 Hour Famine.

Starts today.
140.0 this morning.

I'm so fucking hungry.
-----
831.
Uhm What did I do today.
I went with a few friends to buy/fly kites.
We had coffee. It tastes like, pretty much the BEST THING EVER. It was soooo good. = ]

Then we went and helped out with a food shelter, and packaged boxes with food.
We're still looking for somewhere to party, so I have to go figure that out now.

Oh.
And.
I found out.
That that BITCH.
Elle.

Yeah? You remember. Fuck.
After I left, she made out with guy I like. The guy who I spent pretty much all friday/saturday with.
And asked on a date.

FUCKING BITCH. GAH. I HATE HER SO MUCH.
FUCK YOU. She's pretty much dating this one guy here, but that's not good enough? Fuck.
And she said she weighed 190 when we got here at the beginning of the year.
She's DEFINITELY gained weight since then.

THIS ISNT FUCKING FAIR. 

Its raining today/Dress.

NOT snowing! :D
140.8 this morning.
YESSSS. FINALLY. Still too much to post on PT though. Sorry.
113th hour of fasting right now. A full five days at 7 pm tonight. Woot. Then I'll start counting days instead of hours.
I might go longer than 7 days. It seems ridiculous now. A tiny, MINUSCULE amount of time. 18 days sounds doable. Hum. We'll see.

Jordan said that he's already found two condom wrappers in the garbage.
Gross.
She hasn't even been here 24 hours. And they have shit ALL OVER the dorm. Jordan said he can't even walk.
I've known jordan for 13 years. I've NEVER seen him mad.
This is getting pretty close, and it's really strange to see. So it must be really bugging him.

We're trying to decide if we're gonna tell a staff member that they are breaking rules. Hum.
We'll see.
--------
6:27.
Dinner time. Hah. Riiiight. Gotcha. ;]

I took the bus to Target after class today to go buy some coverup.
It's was just a gorgeous day out today. I wish I brought my camera. 62 degrees F! WOOT! :D
I told everyone that I wasn't going to be back for dinner, and that they could just go without me, that I'd "pick something up" from Target. lol
I did.
A diet Mountain Dew Supernova and some mint chocolate chip dessert gum. Hah. I hate Diet mountain dew. Not gonna lie. But this supernova stuff is pretty good. I saw a thread on PT about it and figured I'd give it a shot. Yum. And the gum is good too. :D
It reminds me of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, where Willy Wonka has a gum he invents that is a full meal. This is for me at least.

I feel really drained and empty right now. Not just from food [well, that too] but just emotionally.
I feel nothing.

It was really strange. I picked up what I needed really quickly, but I still had another 30 minutes to kill, so I just stared and wandered around the food isles the whole time. I bet people thought I was crazy.
I would pick something up, look at the ingredients [to see if they were vegan] and then set it back down. Wander some more. Go back and pick the thing up again [if it was vegan] and look at the calories, then put it back down. Then I spent like, 20 minutes debating what to get for "dinner." I decided on the soda finally.

As awesome and appealing as an 18 day fast sounds, I think I'm going to go for ten. We'll see. It depends on whether or not I can get out of the "breaking the fast" [for the 30 hour famine that starts on saturday. Hah. 30 hours.] on Sunday. It's at 2 PM. Who does that? Maybe I can still be sleeping? lol. Then I still have dinner, and I SHOULD be all like, "oh my god, Im starving, lets go eat." Hummmm. I don't know.

Hopefully I can get out of it. then proceed to 10 days.
Then I will have a bowl of soup after the 10 day mark. [7 PM tuesday].
Then a bowl of soup for lunch on wednesday, with another at dinner.
Then my normal salad.
Hopefully I won't put TOOO much back on. I'm guessing 3 lbs? -crosses fingers-

Hum hum hum. We'll see I guess. [I say that too much.]

I was just going to add something, but I forgot.
Oh.
I might go sandbagging tomorrow. We'll see. 
I'm just afraid the strenuous activity will make me pass out. Which would be awkward. Especially if Jordan and my roommate go. I could probably pass it off as being sick though.
Feeling much better today btw.
------
908
Well fuck.
I just found out that we are starting the 30 hour famine TOMORROW morning instead of saturday when I though, so we are finishing it on Saturday instead of Sunday.

Shit. I need a DAMN good excuse to disappear on saturday.
-------
11:18.

MY DRESS STILL DOESNT FIT.
I don't even know why I thought it would. I'm so FUCKING fat. Of COURSE it doesn't fit. FUCK.
Humiliating. I feel so disgusting and repulsive.
Fuck it. I might not even go. Fuck Prom.
Fuck that bitch of a dress.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Fuck my paper, too.

I'm set for not eating until Saturday at 2. Hopefully. Jordan, who is doing the famine with me wants to order sub sandwiches later tonight. I think he forgot that they [and everywhere else] closes in 40 min. HA.
Then I can sleep through anything he might want to dodge around tomorrow.

Then saturday I'm going to go sandbagging at 130, "for extra credit in my religion class." lol. Riiiight. If only.

Then I could say they served us dinner there maybe? Hum.
Sleep through lunch on Sunday. Then there is a band concert at 4, and I have band practice at 630. I think I'll be safe.

I'm shaking. My muscles feel like pudding, at least, what I can feel of them does. I'm tired.

But most of all, I'm disgusted and humiliated and repulsive.
My hips are going to look like hell when those bruises form. Shit. Hope I don't get laid this weekend I guess. Or at least, I hope the guy is too drunk to notice.

I just want to curl up in a ball and just lie there. 

Another late night/Early morning post.

My roommate and I determined that I have puss sacs covering my tonsils.
Fuck. Going to the doctor I guess.
-------
142.4 this morning.
Bitchface is going to be here today. UGH.

Went to the doctor. I don't have strep! BUT. It might be mono. If I still feel like shit next week, I have to go back.
Fuckkk.
I'm tired.
But I can't sleep.
Blah.

I had a binge dream last night, and I woke up this morning and freaked out a little lot. Hah. JUST A DREAM. I didn't eat everything ever.
That's the last time I post a bunch of food porn before bed. And fall asleep thinking about it. lol
------
4 PM.

Bitchface is here. I've seen her TWICE already.
Blah.

I feel terrible for thinking it, but I really hope how much weight I've lost triggers her. We went through anorexia and bulimia together.
I hope it fucking triggers her. I want her to suffer.
-------
6:36

I just spent an hour [skipping dinner] looking to find out if my favorite candy [REESES OM NOM NOM] was vegan. Nope. White chocolate? Nope. Dark chocolate? Nope.
FUCK YOU HERSHEYS.
I'll just have to add those to my list of things-to-make-which-Ill-probably-never-eat/purge/be-afraid-to-eat. Like mac and cheese.

I'm going to my philosophy prof's seminar on repulsion soon. It'll be interesting.
Then I'm hanging out with friends later tonight and watching a movie.
Then I have to print off 3 papers and add another 4 pages to one. Sigh.

Then I have another paper due on friday, which I still have to do an obscene amount of research for, and a philosophy paper due next thursday. Blahhhhh. I should get working on those. Hum.

Breakfast:
Glass of soy milk [90 cals]
Glass of water.

Lunch:
glass of soy milk. [90]
Glass of cranberry grape juice. [120 maybe?]
3 glasses of diet coke.

Dinner.
Nothing? I might make more tea Out of sugar. I'll probably just gargle some salt water for my throat. Hum.
-----
10:09

There was a get well soon card on my door when I got back. It was cute. It had an owl. I might post a picture of it later? we'll see.

Jordan [my ex boyfriend's roommate] has already gaged sex between dickhead and bitchface THREE times.
He walked in twice.
And the sheets were all rumpled when he got back from class earlier today.
GROSS.

I want to fucking binge on EVERYTHING so bad right now.
Hour 99 of fasting.
I can't break this. 

Another day? Why not.

I'll just start this one now. I'll keep updating it until tomorrow night, no worries lovies. = ]

I just had an argument with a friend, who says I don;t know what it's like to be alone.
Are you kidding me? I don't know what it's like.
Cause, YEAH. Rejection is SO MUCH worse than breakups. Mhmmm. It's one thing when you get denied by someone you dont know. When it's someone you feel like you've known forever? Someone you love more than ANYONE else ever? And even after they've left you, no one cares. No one. There is no one to talk to, and you sit alone for days not eating. Not sleeping. Not even energy enough to cry anymore. You just SIT there, and try no to remember how much you hurt, because when you do, your insides tear apart and you feel like you're dying, which sounds like a pretty awesome thing.

Mmmhmm. Not as bad. Whatever.

I'm pretty much saying fuck this paper...

I was talking to the Republican guy I work with. He wants to party with me this weekend. Haha
I told him I wasnt planning on drinking friday, but I'd think about it.
Then he signed off with a "goodnight beautiful." What the hell does that mean? he WAS pretty drunk. That's probably it.

I'm gonna post some more hot men and food porn pictures on PT before I sign off for the night.
--------
144.0 this morning.
FUCK.
ITS NOT FUCKING LOW ENOUGH.
It's tuesday.
Prom is on Saturday.

I NEED TO FIT INTO MY DRESS. FUCK.
GOD DAMN IT.
------
5:58.
Went tanning. Got back. Skipping dinner.
I texted the cute guy I met about coffee tomorrow and He never replied. It's been 5 hours.

FUCk. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
That BITCH is coming up tomorrow instead of Saturday.
WHAT THE FUCK.
Oh yeah, she has no job now. She got fired. FROM WALMART. BAHAHAHAHAHA

UGH. BUT SHES COMING UP TOMORROW.
How humiliating. I'm still WAYYY to fat. UGH.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I'm so mad at myself right now. I'm gonna go bruise.

I swear to god. I'm going to do everything I can to get her kicked off campus.

I'm so fucking sick of everything.
I'm sick of being cold.
Im sick of being sick.
I'm sick of being fat.
I'm sick of being here.
I'm sick of being alive.
I'm sick of fasting.
I'm sick of my hurting teeth.
I'm sick of competing with everyone.
I'm sick of faking it.
I'm sick of being sad.
I'm sick of being depressed.
I'm sick of not being able to cry.

I'm just sick of it. All of it.

I want to bawl right now. And then cut. Then cry some more.
72 hours of fasting down.
-------
12 PM

Fricken Elle is playing music in my room.
I don't even care anymore. I'm just apathetic.
I dont care about anything. I just want to sit here.

143.6 after showering.

Breakfast:
1 small glass of apple juice
2 glasses of diet coke.
1 glass of [heated up] chocolate soy milk.

Lunch:
3 diet coke
1 choc soy milk.

Dinner:
2 cups of tea. 

I feel like shit.

I slept really shitty and I got up early to be at work at 7. It was one of those nights where you wake up a thousand times and keep switching between freezing and being too hot. Ugh.

Then I was at work and I honestly thought I was going to pass out. It was like 715, and my vision went all grey and I had one of those out of body feelings, where I was on auto pilot. I went and sat down and had some apple juice. Then at like 730, I thought I was gonna pass out and vomit at the same time, so I went and sat down again. At about 745 I told the older lady I was working with that I wasn't feeling very well, and she grabbed me some water and a chair. She was very sweet. = ] I ended up laving my shift 40 minutes early, and I still feel really bad about it.

So then I went and had "breakfast." Another glass of apple juice [making 2 total, maybe 100 cal each? I'm gonna have to double check], a cup of chocolate soy milk [150] and a glass of Diet Coke.
Diet coke when  you're fasting is a pretty bad idea, not gonna lie. It twists your tummy in all these knots. It sucks.

144.8 this morning.
---------
8:02
I just woke up from a nap that I started at 5. I slept through dinner successfully :D but now my throat hurts like a bitch.
FUCK. It hurts so bad. It hurts to swallow. I might make some tea later.

And I have nowhere to live next semester as of right now. There aren't any single rooms available, so I'm on a waiting list unless I can find a roommate. Fuck.
My college guarantees housing to all sophomores and freshman though, so I don't know what is going on with that.

This is the 50th hour of fasting.
-----
12:13 AM

I just got back from a diner where I did not have anything except diet pepsi. I refused fries offered to me on the basis of not feeling well. [True]

Then we went to Taco Bell and I had a pomegranite frutista freeze. I had strawberry chunks in it so I dont know if that counts. I'm going to say I'm fine because it was a drink.

So:
2 glasses of apple juice.
1 glass of chocolate soy milk.
1 glass of diet coke.

1 Very Berry Naked juice [260 cals]

2 diet pepsis.
1 fruitista freeze.

Gross. Ugh. BLAH. Definitely too many calories. I want to purge so bad. UGH.
And we're going partying again on friday, but I don't know if I'll even drink at all. I might be the DD. we'll see.

I have to write a paper now that I haven't even started. 

I CANT FIND MY PHONE.

Like, anywhere.
Ahhhhh. My roommate said she had it in our room last night, because I forgot it at the party, then she put it somewhere and cant remember.
I've like, torn our room apart. And it's off, so we can't call it.
Fuck.

The party was pretty fun.
I think.
I was pretty much passed out the majority of the time.
I can't remember like, anything after puking.
Again.

I puked again. And it went ALL OVER. The floor was tile, so it wasnt too bad.
I cleaned it all up like a good girl.

Okay. So. We got there and had a shot of Hot 100 [tastes like Big Red gum], Then we had a mixed drink. Then the 6 of us chugged a bottle of watermelon schnapps.
Then we had another mixed drink. And thats it.

Katie ended up spilling water on me and I said, "I have boobs. ALL OVER my tits." And then pretty much everyone died laughing.

Then it starts getting hazy. I was sleepy so I just laid down on a couch for a while.
Then I went and puked.
And it GOT EVERYWHERE. FML. I was called a hot mess. I don't know about the hot part, but I WAS a mess.

Then I went back and sat down again. And cuddled with Tyler. I remember him saying "I want to make out with you, but you just puked sooo..." And then I said "Fair enough. It's legit. I agree."

then APPARENTLY I was talking about going on a walk [I vaguely remember that] and my best friend Jordan stopped me.
Then I had my head in Tylers lap, and he was playing with my hair.

Then I passed out they think
And Dane called our DD and jordan helped me to the door because I couldnt walk very well. Then Dane helped me to the car.
And we got back and I didn't have my phone.
Went to bed.


Fasted today. One day down, 6 to go.
RULES.
No food.
Drink calories [excluding alcohol] cannot exceed 1000.

Exercise preferred, but not neccessary.

This is my 50th post. Man, I'm lame.

146.2 this morning.
------
9:26

We found my phone. = ] It was in a pile of my roommate's clothes. 

My face hurts.

But it's probably killing you! Hah.
But really. Between tanning, and both of the men [who were pretty beardy] my face just kinda stings.

Woke up at 330 this afternoon to my roomie eating chips. I joined her on the futon. Haha. We demolished a bag. It was so yummy. And I have to get them away before tomorrow.

Tomorrow.
FASTING BEGINS.
7 day fast.
I've got this. It'll be fine. I'll be fine.

I fucked a guy I just met.
I've never done that before. Sigh. Oh well. One minute we were making out, then his face was in my vag, then his pants were off, then we were fucking. He kept telling me how hot I was and how amazing and cute and pretty. It was sweet. He was a good size. I've had bigger, and I've had smaller.
Oh wellll. I'm a whore.
What can you do.

Our ride left when I was off with him, so we called a friend who came and picked us up. Ahhhh I love her. <3 She's so nice. = ]

Anyway, then we went back and I ended up making out with the other guy, and we were feeling each other up and junk and it was hot. Haha.
I think I'll text him and see if he wants to get coffee sometime later this week.
No food of course, fasting.

FASTING FASTING FASTING.

I didn't weigh myself this morning, so I don't know the number. My abs and tummy area feels awesome today though. So maybe thats a good sign?

If I was hotter, I'd totally be the stripper at the party. Oops? Oh well.
I did a good job. My clothes stayed on [in public]
-----------
10 PM
Going to repeat last night. Again.
Both men will be there. Again.

Done eating at 12.

BLAH. AND FUCKING ELLE IS COMING.
I'm probably gonna strangle her.
FUCK.
LKDJFSLHGDJHD

S-S-S and. M-M-M.

"I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it. Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it. Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me."
I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH. It's ridiculous. Hah. I love jazz and oldies, too. I'm strange. Hah.
Weight wasn't reliable/accurate this morning, because I drank a lot of water earlier.

I HAD HUGE BREAKFAST. And I didn't purge. Ughhhhhhhh
Cereal with a banana.
Toast with peanut butter and jelly.
Cup of blueberries.
Orange Juice.

UGHHHHH. Maybe I can get out of dinner tonight? We'll see. I wanted to go tanning anyway.
I need to find a way to balance everything out.
UGH.

2 days until fasting.
I can do it. It'll be simple.
I HAVE TO complete it. Or I'll feel even more like a failure.

More later, as alwayssss. xxx
----------
YAYYYYY! Thanks to the PT member, Fiction<3, I now use the website caloriegallery.com.
COUNTING.
Blueberries. 77.
Banana 200. AH! I always counted them as 120! FUCK.
Bread. 70.
Peanut butter. 150.
Strawberry jam. 50.
Cereal. 250?
Soy milk. 90.

Total. 887. 
Yep. I'm gonna have to skip dinner.
Fuck. I'm so mad at myself right now.
Son of a bitch.
-----
4:31 AM
Binged. Purged.
Binged some more. Got pissy at elle.
Went to a party.
Made out with 2 men. One's name was nick I think and the other was tyler. Tyler was way cuter [ I think] and he keeps texting me. He goes to a different college though, but its still close. = ]
I had sex with Nick. Not to orgasm, just a bit of fucking, but it was still pretty good.

ALSO. ANOTHER FIRST,
I puked from drinking.
I vomitted. From drinking. NOT self induced.
It was still probably the most satisfying vomit I've ever had, Ah, it felt so good. Nick held my hair back. It was pretty sweet of him. = ]

Tyler wants me to call him tomorrow. I think I will. = ]
Either him or nick said they would take me to prom. I dont remember which though.

I'm such a whore. Oh well. Worth it.
I hope Tyler will go with me. I like him more. = ]