Everclear?

Holy shit. Nothing was clear at all. That shit got me pretty fucked up.
Jordan and I measured out a shot of it and mixed it with a full cup of juice.
Then he said, "Supposedly, when you first drink this, you're supposed to take one shot of it, then throw another in a fire, just so you know what you're fucking with."

Holy shit it was strong.
Nate, that douchebag. He LOVES hard nasty tasting shit.
HE DRANK THAT SHIT.
RIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE.
WITHOUT FLINCHING.
AND WITHOUT A CHASER.

dffskhalkjsdfgyugf
SICK.
He said it was like tequila, but it burned all the way down and about 10 times stronger. Haha
Anyway. Jordan and I decided it would be a great idea to go to taco bell, so we did and WE GOT SO MUCH FOOD.

ugh.
Jordan ordered 4 potato tacos, an order or cheesy fiesta potatoes, and an order of nachos. Haha
I got 3 fresco bean burritos and a side of just the potatoes. Soooo... Compared to what jojo got... I feel okay.. But added with the subway kids meal I had earlier, and the four slices of "pizza..." Ugh.


OH.
OH.
I forgot to mention this earlier!
I FOUND FOOD OF THE GODS.
Not only did I find 0 calorie Chocolate sauce, caramel sauce and marshmallow topping [which does NOT contain gelatin so I can have it :D] I also found [vegan] ICE CREAM.
OF THE GODS.

Its a brand called Arctic Zero. Comes in a bunch of diff flavors. On the container it says the whole pint is only 150 calories.
I though, "Psh. Thats a fucking lie. They must mean servings. 150 cals per serving sounds right."\
NOPE. ITS LEGIT. 37 cals per serving. With 4 servings per container. 148 cals.
AW YEAH.

CAPS.
BECAUSE IM SO FUCKING EXCITED.

I always make a lot of lines for everything I write here.
Its easier for me to read. Haha.

No idea what my weight is. lalalala
Hum
I dont know
Ill find out eventually.
Prolly not eating much today, if at all.

I have to get ready for work in like, 15 min [Just enough time to check PT and tell everyone about my miraculous discovery] then I'll be at work, I dont fucking eat there really. Then Im going over to Nates again after work. So. The hard part will be if he decides to go somewhere after work.

I hope not.
I dont want to eat.
I dont want him to pay for me [which he would]
And I'm already like, out of money.

kajlfh



Also. I just tried to post this and it didnt work so I freaked out for a minute because I though blogger would have lost everything I just wrote...
anyway.

have a good day.
kthanksbye.
---

Just kidding again.
Webs is freaking out.
So.
No PT for me. Oh well. I have plenty of things I should be doing instead. 

I just want to be pretty.

Pretty girls are way more triggering for me than skinny ones.

Hope everyone's day is going better than mine. Take care and stay safe. 

Haha I love you guys.

50 followers. WHOOP WHOOP!
Haha Im pretty lameeee. Yep yep yep.

Love<3, you KNOW you were my best lay. ;]

Hahahahaa anywayyyyy

Havent had said booty call yet. It'll happennnn. hopefully at least.
Then i was supposed to have a date with this one guy last night but he never said anything about it so whatevs. Hah.


I dont remember what I came on here to say.
So ill just ramble about my boring life.

I practiced today. Hah. Which i like, never do. Haha
I applied for the college im transferring to [better late than never right?]
I havent eaten today.
I ate too much yesterday [ a peanut butter sandwich, a bunch of grapes, some carrots and almost a whole bag of veggie chicken.] Didnt purge.
Purged the night before. Everything came up really easy. Like my body actually WANTED to get rid of it.
BTW, smoking after purging is just a bad idea. It just... burns. Ugh.

hm hum. Havent worked out yet. Going to do that soonish. I think.

I have a sticker ont he back of my phone that says "23. " I found it on a dress I wore the other day. I thought they meant that was the size of the dress and I freaked out.

Have you noticed? People are never happy with their age.
When you are a kid you always just wanna grow up.
middle school kids always wanna be in high school.
High school kids just wanna go to college.
In college, you just wanna move on to a regular, stable adult life. You know. Get married, have kids.
Then sometime around the kid stage shit reverses.
you wish you didnt have kids. You wish you were a newlywed. You could be in college and party all the time.
And so on.

I wish i could just skip forward in time. past all this [necessary] bullshit and just jump to a further point in my life.
Im pretty sure everyone does it to an extent, but when I was a kid I always imagined how I would be when I was older, and kind of idolized myself. Hah. Like I always imagined me in high school, as that wicked awesome babysitter. Blonde. Hot. Super long perfect legs. Vegan [just because it sounded cool, I didnt think about the actualtities of it then] and loving the earth and such.

Or when I went through my emo/goth/whatever stage I pictured myself with long dark brown hair living in a castle instead of going to college and reading dark magic and gaining eternal knowledge by candlelight, while wearing huge gothic, elegant dressed.

Hah.
Now I see myself in the future as normal I think.
I wish I was at a point in my life where I was married and with kids on the way. Like, I wish I could just skip forward to my wedding day. Haha. No decisions. No second guessing. Just... go.
College out of the way. A steady job. A house. Thin. No big deal. The normal.
Dont have to worry about the steps to get there. No second guessing. No anxiety.

How will I pay for a wedding?
How will I support a family?
Fuck that. How will I pay for COLLEGE?
Is college worth it?
Is this guy the one?
Am I wasting my time?
How will I pay for retirement?
Money money money.

Money can't buy you happiness.
Just peace of mind, which is pretty damn close.
I'm so shallow.

Anyway.
Its just been a few of those days. I just feel really SUPER disgusting and flabby and such. Its just... ick.
I want a fucking cookie.
Yep. I feel pretty gross.
The scale said 150.8. I dont know if I believe it. I feel too flabby and disgusting.
Food porn sounds pretty awesome. I might do that.

Nate was going to talk to a friend of ours today. He said it was something about a surprise for me, and that I shouldnt worry, I'll laugh.
I dont like surprises.
But I do.

I dont like the suspense of surprises. I always worry about what it is, if I'll like it, when to expect it... blah blah blah.

Im done ranting and freaking out.

Hope you are having a nice day.
Its supposed to be over 100 here on thursday.
Finally. Maybe then I wont be cold.

Are you still reading this? Did you get bored? Do you even care that much?
People always ask that in their blogs. Of course I read them. If I follow you, I care.
I just cant fathom why anyone would find my life interesting. Its strange for me.
So props to you if you're still reading.

Proud of you. Hah.

150.8.
Hum.
----

Edit.
Binging right now.
Its a fuckign weird binge.
It started because I literally DRANK caramel out of the bottle.
Then I moved on to some chocolate.
Then I had a little bit of ketchup [All straight from the bottle]
Then I heated some potatoes.
Not I'm working on half a box of noodles with vegan butter.

Gonna go purge, then hang out with nate. Prolly eat some [vegan] ice cream with him.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDBDR4uZxek
Go listen to this song.
right now. 

I want to cut.

I cant though, because...

I HAVE A BOOTY CALLLLLL. Haha
Its the second guy I ever had sex with. Second best lay, too.
YES.

I havent had good sex in way toooo long.
I ate 3 peanut butter sandwiches already today.
Fuck fuck fuck.

Im done for the day.
Idk if ill end up eating tomorrow. We're getting drunk so who knows what the fuck will happen.
And its fucking everclear.
Illegal in 10 states [including mine] and 190 proof. The highest proof you can get.
Hah.  It will be interesting.

Im so tired. 

Update of the sexual nature.

So nate and I had sex.
It was awkward for me, but he said it was the best he's had.
Im all like, meh.

SUPER TMI. He has a very strange dick. like its hard at the bottom but goes soft at the top the whole time. And it's kinda small. Like, not very big around, even though its pretty long.
This complicates things further.
Because I love sex. So. Bad sex, with an otherwise good relationship? I dont know if I can handle it.

On the other side, Im gonna "hang out" with one of the best lays Ive ever had soon.
:D
Im looking forward to it.

About time I had a good lay.


Hah.

Ate wayyyyyy too much yesterday.
Going to go work out. 

Miss popular. [Long update]

I got asked on another date today.
WHOA.

When did this all happen? im really confused.
When did people start finding me attractive?
WHY?

Im afraid of getting to know someone and them getting to know me.
I dont want to know about other people's lives very much. I dont ask questions of the other person when im on a  date. I dont care enough to.
Honestly.
Im a bitch. Im egotistical, slightly bipolar, and self centered.
I dont care about other people, only me. Gotta watch out for yourself, you know? Like, I only follow a select few blogs. People I see around PT a lot mostly.
But at the same time, I dont care about myself at all.
I dont eat. I purge. I self harm. I have casual sex. I dont respect myself at all.

This all sounds terrible, but its true.

Anyway, my family decided to go to taco johns for dinner.
Great.
I dont know what it is, but I can eat almost all of the fried potato things, but I CANNOT eat all of them.
I cant do it.
I have to leave at least a few. Or I give them to someone else.
And I just kinda nibble on the ones I do eat.

Ive eaten way too much today.

Fasting tomorrow.
Working out tomorrow [maybe]
Im getting high and watching wizard of oz and syncing it with Pink Floyd's The Wall.

Oh yeah. Anyway.
So We were at taco johns and AJ's bi friend came in. He didnt see me or recognize me or something at first, and I racked my brain for his name [I always want to call him Nick, but its Kevin]

So I called out to him and he ended up asking me on a date. Right in front of my whole family.
Mom. 2 sisters. And brother.
No big deal. Just takes a lot of balls I think.

So I gave him my number and we're prolly going to go out on sunday.

Dates.
The date with AJ went okay.

First. Let me help you get this all straight. Now there are 3 men in the picture. Sigh.
Nate. Soon to be manager that I work with. Very VERY sweet and kind and I hang out with him almost everyday. Has his own apartment. I spend the night there most nights, but he thinks I have virtue or something [HA] and doesnt want to push me yet. 20 years old. [I am 18 btw]
AJ is another guy I work with who has never had a girlfriend. Pretty awkward. Went on one date which I have yet to recap. Very shy. 20 years old.
Now there is also Kevin. Don't work with him but he is Aj and his roommate dan's best friend. [At least I know he is dans best friend, I dont know if he is ajs's or not] He is bi, and I was kinda hoping to hook him up with my gay best friend.

Okay. So yesterday night AJ and I went to go see the Hangover 2. It was pretty good I guess.
Aj's hot roommate, Dan, was bringing a date and it was gonna be a double date and whatnot. His date bailed.
So dan was going to go hang out with Kevin. It turned out kevin was already in the theatre with us though, so dan came back.
Aj was really awkward all movie. He did that thing where he kinda just leaves his hand there so we both had our hands within grabbing distance, but no one made a move.
Then he drove me home and that was it. No hand hold. No kiss, No hug. Just awkward. We got a little baked before the movie though, which helped cut down on the awkward a little bit.

So now I have a date with kevin....
Awkward.

I went to nates after the date and stayed there until like, 830 this morning.

He has the best chance as far as a long term relationship goes.
He knows the most about me.
He understands.
he doesnt want to push me. He keeps saying he just wants me to be happy, and he'll wait as long as he needs to.

Im not going to make a decision until mid july.
Done. Haha procrastinationnnnn.

But really. When did all these people decide on liking me and such?
Im annoying.
Im fat. [In my eyes I guess. I suppose most people would put it as my sisters would, "A bit... pudgy."]
I dont care about anyone.
I care about people too much. What they think of me mostly.
Im self centered.
I laugh too much.

"I'm not tan and I never have the score.
I drive too fast, the team picked me last. I break the rules and like it.
My body curves I forget the words...

I spend cash on clothes when I still have bills to pay.
My skin isnt clear... I still have fear im tryin to overcome.
My truths arent right, my jeans are too tight..."

["Flawz" by Caitlin Crosby]

hum hum hum.

I went shopping with my sister today. I bought a dress and a few necklaces and a clutch and a hair bow.
this is the dress I almost bought. I figured I would almost never wear it, so i didnt get it. I took these with my phone so the quality is really crappy!

This is the one I DID get!

Maybe more later? Perhaps.

------
This is a photo from last sunday at the family reunion thing. Me and my brother. Haha Its cute even though my face looks really fat. Haha

And die like star crossed lovers when we fight

Holy man.
I feel like i've been gone and super busy for like a week. It was just a few days.

Hum. So.
Friday I spent all day with nate pretty much. We went on a date to Olive Garden and I had a salad. No dressing. [of course] We went to the park after that and held hands and such. It was cute. He kissed me when he dropped me off for work.
Saturday my mom took me to dairy queen. I had fries and such. Ugh. Damn. Then I went over to Nates that night. cuddled made out blah blah. Left early.
Sunday I spent the night at nates. hot dry sex. Hahahaha
Last night I went and hung out with my best friend and we caught up about our week and such. Went back over to nates and left early this morning.

Im supposed to go to a movie with AJ today. he hasn't texted me about it and its one... I dont know.
Im getting high tonight with Jordan and kelsey. We're gonna watch the Wizard of Oz and listen to The Wall. They're supposed to sync up perfectly I guess. Haha

I've eaten too much the last couple of days. Damn damn damn. 155.8
damn damn damn. I havent worked out enough. [at all]
Thats a problem. Im gonna go do that when im done here.


I dont know.
Im confused.
im scared terrified.
I dont want a relationship.
I dont want this. It scares me.

Nate is so sweet. Its unbelievable. I would post some of what hes said here but you would probably gag.
He said he would wait as long as he needs for me to be ready.
AKJLGFDLH

I dont know.
Im so comfortable with him.
Comfort leads to trust.
Which leads to a relationship.
Which leads to love.
Which leads to me being hurt.

I dont know. Im so afraid.

I just....
I dont want to think about this right now. 

Who has a date?

THIS GUYYYYY. [girl]
= ]
Haha I work with this guy named AJ right? Right. Anyway, I also work with his roommate, Dan.
Dan said that AJ thought I was super hot and such and we ended up setting a date for tuesday. hahaha

funnnnn stuff.

Time for not fun stuff.
Binged on cookie dough. Lots of cals but not a lot weight wise.
Worked out this morning for a little bit, but cant tomorrow because that other guy, Nate wants to hang out.
Lame.

I think that is all I have to say.

Hum.

Yes.
I believe so. 

KaljfhHLWhfihl

Binged. Purged. Got drunk and high. Binged.
Worked.
Binged. Didn't purge.


KJHGLJGKHDJKG.
Fasting tomorrow and into the indefinite future.

Uhmmmm lets see. Its been a while. [kinda not really but actually yeah, kinda]
I didnt end up going to nates. He's sick and he fell asleep.
I went over yesterday afternoon and made him soup and tea and we watched Paranormal Activity [the first one] and Across the Universe.
Went home and binge/purged. I did pretty good. It was like a week without purging.
Went to rehearsal and then went drinking after that.

I had to stop by walmart first though and get mixers. Hah. You should have seen my cart. Talk about disordered eating...
Diet Pepsi
Coke Zero.
Diet blueberry juice [it was only 5 cals per serving and super yummy. Plus, you couldnt taste any booze in it. Haha]
Light orange juice.
Light strawberry banana juice.

Hahahahahahah
Drank. Smoked.
Speaking of smoking. My best friend bought me a pack of cigarettes. THEY ARE SO CUTE. Like, legitly. They are long and skinny, and perfect for me. Haha. I loveee themmmm.
Then we binged.
Passed out.
Woke up. Went out to eat.
Went to sleep.
Went to work.
Got home. Showered. Binged. Now I'm here.

Gotta go on PT yet.
Tomorrow is a heavy workout day. Paired with fasting until Saturday at least.


Nate went to the hospital today. I texted him and asked him how he was feeling and such, and got a reply back from "his fiancee." awkwarddddd.

I looked super cute today.
There is another guy from work [god, I kinda sound like a whore.] who thinks Im cute. I caught him checking me out three times today. We were really flirty and work together everyday [except tomorrow] until tuesday, which we both have off. I think I'll ask him on a coffee date. If he doesnt say anything first. I'll have to plot and scheme and get him to ask me first. Hahah man Im lame.

Cutting and bruising again. Fun stuff.

Anyway. Blog and PT time.
Hope everyone is doing okay.

QUICK

I have to go to work. Hah.

Went to fam reunion thing. Ate too much. But it was all fruit. So I dont feel TOO bad.
Weight was 150.6 this morning anyway. AW YEAH.

Got home. Napped. Drank. Went to the Gay 90's club and got my dance onnnnn. = ] Met some new awesome people. Hah. Added them on facebook [this morning]. Went and hung out with that guy from work. [Nate]
We watched a crappy horror movie. It was pretty fun.

Going to work now. Then shower and nap. Then going to watch paranormal activity with nate.
I gave him his hug last night in my slightly intoxicated stage.
It was one of those arms around the neck-almost-being-picked-up hugs. Haha. It was pretty nice.

Anyway. more later! GOGOGOGOOGOGOGOGO

Quite possibly the best night of my life.

Maybe the worst? haha WORTH IT.
[151.8 this morning. Im pretty proud. 163 on weds.] SO CLOSE TO A NEW TATTOO. IF I even have the money now. Hah.
I might put it off until next paycheck, and get my hair redone and maybe a new piercing instead.

Yesterday I had my salad and an apple, so im guesstimating at 200 cals. Plus I had a sub from Jimmy Johns after the concert, which Im guessing at 700. Still 900, and while high, still acceptable.

AH.
Anyway, we got ready and left for the PANIC AT THE DISCO concert at 2. We got there at three and there was a line of people for about half a block.  A bunch of kids got dropped off by their parents. It was cute. [Not really]
By the time the doors opened [6] we were a hell of a lot closer. And the line went all the way around the block.
It turns out my roommate [who live 8 hours away from me] was going to the concert with her sister! YAY! So I got to see them! :D

I WOULD post pictures of everything, but they wouldnt let me take my camera in! DAMN IT. Probably because I brought my nice one and they thought it was too professional or something. BLAH

Uhm. Lets seee. I bought 2 shirts and found a poster which I took [Hah]. They had 2 bands on before them and they were pretty good.
By the time panic went on [830] everyone was SUPER bashed together. Like, I couldnt move. At all. It was not possible to bash any more people in a tiny area. It was kinda ridiculous.
BUT. We were in the front. And center. Literally, there was ONE person in front of us.
It was so fucking hot, too. EVERYONE was super sweaty. By the time we left, my shirt was completely soaked.

BUT IT WAS SO AMAZING.
However, the lack of food and the heat... I almost passed out a few times. I fell at least twice. And I almost puked once.
STILL WORTH IT.
We went to jimmy johns after for drinks because we were so goddamn thirsty and it was close. Thats where I got my sub...
Hum.
lalala what then...

Then we went home. It was really really cold because we were all wet and it wasnt a thousand degrees outside. And my fatass sister kept talking about how hot it was in the car and kept opening the window.
Bitch, it was fucking freezing. I didnt say anything though.

Im so mad I didnt get any pictures though. WE WERE SO CLOSE. KSKFLDJHDAH
And oh god. Hes sooooooo adorable up close. :D
This is one my sister took. She had a really good one, but hasnt posted it on facebook yet.


I have a few okay ones on my phone. I'll try and post those later.

My older sister [the one who knows about my ed] kept pestering me to get lunch, even though I kept saying I'd eat at this family thing we're going to later, but she insisted. We went to taco Johns. I'm not worried about the taco count, because its all pretty much lettuce anyway [Perks to being vegan]. Im worried about the fricken Oles. Fried potato hell. Damn it. I ate half [so maybe like, 8 oles?] and gave the rest to my sister because they were "too crunchy." DJSKHL Im still upset though.

Hopefully I wont eat much later today. And im not at all tomorrow. So we'll se how this goes.

Oh. And that guy I have the "date" with? He was texting me all night.
"Haha :) u are seriously so cute hahaha"
"I think ur eyes and ur smile is cute :). And no offense I think the cutest of all is wen u mumble wen u get upset ;) hehehe"

This will be interesting.

PANIC PANIC PANIC PANIC

ITS TOMORROW. Well, today.
OMG IM SO EXCITED. :D
Im bringing my camera, even though its in a crowded place in downtown minneapolis, and its worth a lot.
OH WELL. WORTH IT.

IM SO FUCKING EXCITED.
Even though I have to drive. The 40 min drive there, then navigating through the cities. And its my sisters car, which is bigger than mine, and im not used to that.
And even though I hate driving. I'm always super terrified im gonna hit someone. And that someone will turn out to be a family full of small children and pregnant women. -_-
Anyway.
SOON.

When I got into  the shower, and after drinking a ton of water, I weighed 154.4.
:D
Ha-ha. Take THAT dumb me! >:D
Eating a salad and apple tomorrow and thats all.
Fasted today.
I'll eat some more at my grandmas on sunday.
Then fasting monday.
Maybe end up eating a little tuesday night? If we end up drinking. Hopefully not.
Probably eating on weds because mom has off.

So I'm hanging out with that guy I work with on monday. The one who just broke up with his girlfriend? Well, he says  theyre just "on a break," which is super sketch. I dont know how comfortable I am with this.
He didn't quite say its a date but its implied.
We're going to his house.
At like, 130 AM.
And he wants to watch a scary movie.
We're watching Paranormal activity 2.

Dont get me wrong. I LOVEEEE scary movies.
But.
Most of the time they aren't that scary.
Paranormal activity actually left me sleepless. It scared the shit out of me. I got literally, NO sleep the night I watched it. SHIT.
KFLDSHJG

Haha but we'll see how it goes. He's been sending me some really flirty texts.
"lol lamesauce?? [After I replied "lamesauce" to something] Wow u make me laugh so much :) ur funny"
"No ! thank u! :) for being amazing!"
Then I said he was very sweet. ":D. Its kinda hard not to be especially with u! :D"
"No problem! :) Am I making u smile?? or blush? Haha"
Laterrrr ":D heheheheheheh... hi! :) lol"
So I said "Haha HIHIHI! :D" Then he replied with "Haha that was cute :) lol"
"Gosh its weird because everytime I read ur texts I smile!"

Hum hum hum. Sooo.... given that... I think he thinks of it more as a date.
I dont know how I feel about that.
We'll see how it goes I guess.

PANIC PANIC PANIC

Relationships.

Worked out for 2 hours today. Idk how many cals I burned. I'm shaking.
160.4 right now. UGH.
Havent eaten yet.
NOT GOING TO EAT TODAY OR TOMORROW.
I WILL not!

I found someone to cover a chunk of my shift tonight so I can make it to band practice. Thus NOT getting yelled at. = ]

The guy that covered my shift is the one that keeps flirting with me. Who has a girlfriend.
but. Today he texted me and said he was breaking up with her because it wasnt working out, but he felt bad anyway.
Then he asked me if I wanted to hang out sometime. Well, he didn't really ask. He said "We should hang out soon too u are a good person"
First. How hard is it to type out words? I dont get it.
Second. You havent even broken up with her yet, which kinda bugs me.
I said sure though. He IS very nice, and a little bit awkward, but we'll see.

Hum. Also, he said I need to give him a hug for taking my shift, and I told him I would give him one anyway because he was feeling "down," as he put it.

I dont touch people.
I dont know why, really.
It just makes me uncomfortable.
Maybe its because I dont really trust people?
Maybe its because Im afraid that they will be repulsed by how fat I am.
I dont know.

I will not eat.
I can do this.
I WILL have control.
It's back. I am in control. 

Wintergirls

"The snow drifts into our zombie mouths crawling
with grease and curses and tobacco flakes and cavities
and boyfriend/girlfriend juice, the stain of lies. For one
moment we are not failed tests and broken condoms and
cheating on essays; we are crayons and lunch boxes and
swinging so high our sneakers punch holes in the clouds.

For one breath everything feels better.

Then it melts.

The bus drivers rev their engines and the ice cloud
shatters. Everyone shuffles forward. They don’t know
what just happened. They can’t remember."

[Negative self bashing]

Ive been eating too much.
Tisk tisk.

CONCERT IS IN LESS THAN 3 DAYS.
Im [hopefully] getting my next tattoo tomorrow morningggg. = ]

Im sore from working out. Like my back is just... ugh.

I had today off, so I read a bunch and played video games with my brother.
I finished the book "Feeling for Bones." It was okay. I still prefer Wintergirls. I have to read Wasted yet, but my library doesnt have a copy of it and such so I have to request it. LAME.

Im attempting to download a game. We'll see if it works. It better. I dont wanna wait an hour.

My life is boring.

Oh. My family decided they wanted to go to the KFC buffet for dinner tonight.
Disgusting.
Absolutely repulsive.

I'm so glad I'm vegan.
Not only did they have like, a whole slaughterhouse/chicken coop in a heater in the back, all the shit looked repulsive. You could see all their tiny bones. Really? I dont understand how people eat that.

SO All I had there was some corn, green beans, and a few pickles.
Then my mom bought me some potato fry stuff, and I looked through the nutritional info for "vegan" purposes, and they were 230 cals. I shared them with my brother.

It's the fucking peanut butter sandwich that killed me. JDSLAHJFLD
God damn it. Why is peanut butter so high calorie? DAMN IT.
-----

I decided to weigh myself tonight.
Bad idea.
Good idea.
I dont know.

Im about to fucking cry.
I am crying.

Im just so fucking mad and disappointed with myself.
Im very upset.

One hundred and sixty three fucking pounds.
163.0.
Such a round, fat number, dont you think?

I couldnt realize why ive felt so fucking fat these last couple of days. I thought it was just getting close to that time of the month or something.

The way my thighs jiggled when I work something above the knee.
The way my arms bulged.
The way my pants dug into my skin. The dreaded muffin top.
The way my torso just looked short and fat.

But worst of all: my face.
Looks fucking huge. My cheeks look massive. I cant see my jawline very well. I have no cheekbones. Fat fucking cheeks. No definition. Just fat fucking globs of fat mushy SHIT.

My collar bone doesnt stick out enough. Or like, at all.


Nope. No tattoo tomorrow.
No eating tomorrow.
1.5 hours of working out. Plus the walking im going to be doing.

I'm not getting that tattoo until I get back down to 149.9.
I'm not going to go get my hair or eyebrows done until 139.9.
I'm done. I'm done fucking around. Im sick  of fucking eating.

Tomorrow:
Wake up at noon.
Take appetite suppressant.
Work out [1 workout video, learn the next one, then do that one, then stretching, so 1 hr 45 min? Burning [estimated] 1800 cals.Prolly less because Im a fat fuckup who cant do anything right]
Maybe do some sit ups/pushups
prolly go on PT.
Go to work- Walk there, walk back to my house to pick up my trombone for rehearsal, go to practice, walk back to work, then maybe walk home.
Take more appetite suppressant.
More PT.
Bed.

Then repeat.
I'm not eating at all tomorrow. I swear. Prolly not eating saturday either.


Sorry this was so negative.
Take care. 

Drinkign until i puke?

Hopefully. 

Work sucked. worked out. Ate tooo much,.drank. Here I am. 

Hum.

Hope you are all okay,

Well hum. I have a lot to say.

Went drinking last night.
We hottubbed and now my ears are all full of water. I helped my gay friend get some. = ]
I have a ton of bruises and I have no idea what theyre from.
Went home and bought my mom breakfast on the way. She bitched because I didnt get her what she liked.

went to my sisters to work on the TURBOFIRE WORKOUT.
We ended up getting distracted and went to the store to buy cantaloupe.
Got distracted again and bought a ton of fruit.

Ate all of it.
UGH.

Then I hung out with my brother for a bit.
I was so proud. We had chalk and the first thing he wrote was,
"It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M."
:D

He wanted to go bike, but I'm too big for his bike, so I followed him on a scooter.

When was the last time you were on a scooter?
That shit is fucking terrifying. Goddamn. I fell and scraped my knee.

then we went walking and went to the library.

Came home and did some of the workout, then went and cleaned some.
I went on the roof and cleaned out the gutters and gunk off the roof.

I've never been on a roof before, so it was interesting. It was pretty fun. = ] I got to watch the sun set from the roof. :D
I also cut my foot on a nail. Owwwwieee.

Then I went to a restaurant with my older sister.
INTERESTING.

We  talked for like, 2 hours.
We were talking about eating disorders. I told her I strugglED with bulimia last year, and then brought it into the present tense eventually.
She just doesn't eat I guess.

Remember a while back when I said my sister passed out at school? It was because she hadn't eaten in like, a week.

I told her about PT and my worries for our other sister and brother.

It was just interesting to realize that it really IS genetic. Hum. I dont know.
Interesting. 

Fasted today.

Proud of myself. = ]
But I DID down half a gallon of chocolate soy milk. I forgot the calorie count, but it was a lot. Most of it was last night. I kept waking up SUPER thirsty.

Fasting most of the day tomorrow I think? if not more? I dont know. Im drinking tomorrow night, so we'll see what I do. I'm gonna try and fast again though. I bought me a pack of gum so I think Im all set.

Getting my next tattoo on thurs. :D
PANIC CONCERT IN 6 DAYS.

My turbo fire came today. :D But I cant use it until monday. = [
Might take my sisters senior pics on weds.


Work today sucked. Like a lot. It was steady all day, so I couldnt get anything done, and I was just all crabby all day.
I have a thousand cuts and bruises. LAME.

Just kidding. I have 2 bruises [quarter size at least] and 22 cuts. I just counted. Only 7 hurt though.
Bah.

Hum hum hum.

Im gonna check PT really quick, then go to bed. Work early. LAME.

But then drinking. :]

I miss this.

I miss feeling hungry. And I know it sounds SUPER cliche, but I miss my hunger pains.

I feel just.. So happy. So right. Normal. I feel like Im doing something right. Finally.
Been looking at thinspo and such all day. I feel great. = ]

New month. [9 DAYS!]

NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE! SO CLOSE!
PANIC!
PANIC AT THE DISCO!
SOOON = ] <3

Immma go tanning when Im done typing this. After my next two sessions, I think I'll be good. 

Anyway. I went and talked to an old teacher of mine. She's amazing and pretty much psychic. She helped me plan my life. 

Go to the crappy "transition" [as she called it] college in town and get my AA degree there. 

She said I will know what to do with my life after that year. 

She said to have fun this summer, and go with light flirting [regarding men].

She said not to date until a year has passed, because I need to give myself plenty of time to get over it. 

Then, I am allowed to date [Haha] after that year is up, ONLY IF that man comes into MY life, and without me going out of my way for it. 

She said that the man I marry won't be anyone I know now. 

WHEW. I feel a lot better after talking to her. We kind of closed the convo after that because I was about to cry and such. I dont know. With the whole breakup thing Im still whining about and just the RELIEF of having everything planned... It just made things better. 

Then I went with my mom, sister and brother to the park. We had subway. Gwen and I almost have all her senior picture stuff planned. 

Anyway, Gwen and I went to the dollar store afterwards and bought $30 worth of pretty much useless shit. Hah. Then we stumbled on stumbleupon for a bit, and watched youtube for a bit. [She hadn't seen NicePeter's Epic Rap Battles of History or Sassy Gay Friend, so we watched all of those. lol] 

Then [awkward story], we were gonna go to panic atthe disco's website, so I typed in the letter "P" in the address bar, and I have google chrome and guess what popped up? Thats right. Prettythin.com. 

HAH. AWKWARD. She didnt say anything but... I dont know. IT was there for a while and Im pretty positive she saw it. Oh well. 

My workout video hasn't come yet. Maybe today? Tuesday by the latest.
Which transitions me into my other topic...

Yesterday was a huge binge day. 

but guess what? It's a new month. Fuck it. I've got this now. 

A new month. Get back on track. 

Diet pills and workout video.
I'm done fucking binging. DONE. 

I need to stop purging, too. My teeth hurt after I've done it. 

So. I'll keep my weight up for motivation, because its so gross. 

This morning, June 2, I weighed NOT 130, my goal by this time. 

NOT 137.6, my low weight. 

Not even 148, a normal BMI. 

A sickening 155.4 lbs. 

DISGUSTING. 

Getting back on track though. This shit has got to stop. Im done.