So much for a good fucking week.

I just bought two bags of Baked Lays. Jordan and I have already gone through almost a whole one.
GAH.
And I had a whole bar of [vegan] Chocolate, PLUS a small fry from McDonalds.
FUCK MY LIFE. I hate myself. So much.
Remember when I said I was down to 149.8? Yeah.
Before purging I weighed 154.8. After purging was 151.6.  ARGH. I'm SOOOO mad at me!

When I was 185, I though when I got down to 150, I would be thin. I wouldn't have a fat roll, and I would be able to wear a bikini. How naive I was. When will it be enough? Just being normal would be enough for me. I can't even do that. I'm weak. I'm pathetic.
Sometimes I doubt I have an eating disorder. I eat so goddamn much. I think I'm just a lazy fat bitch who talks big but doesn't do anything about it. That's not an eating disorder. I don't belong on PT. I don't deserve to be there, I don't deserve to say I have an ED.
Then I remember. Do normal people purge? No. Do they obsess over what they eat or feel guilty? No. Have they lost 50 lbs? Nope.
I just don't know. I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere. I feel just as fat as I was at 192. I feel more ashamed of my body. At least at 192 I didn't FEEL fat, I just thought I was a bit chunky. Nothing over the top. NOT obese. And I was HAPPY. What the hell happened?
The scale. My mom bought a scale and I stepped on it and everything came crashing back. I remember crying and just saying "No" over and over again. I couldn't believe it. I weighed myself four times. 193.8. EVERY time.
And just like that, everything came crashing back. How did that happen? How did I get so fat? How did I not  REALIZE it?

I don't know. I just feel so huge and ashamed. I want to be thin SOOOO bad. It's ridiculous. I looked at a pair of size 1 jeans at Target today, and I though, "I'll never be that tiny." I tried on a really cute shirt that was a size large and I looked like a whale. There was another shirt that was ADORABLE but they only had an extra small.

My roommate, Paula scolded me for not going to Ella's play again tonight, because I had something going on. I pointed out to her that there were still 2 performances left, and NEITHER of them had gone to ANY of my band concerts. She got all defensive. Whatever. I don't even care anymore.

I just want spring break to be here. I manage to eat almost nothing when I am at home, versus at college. I have one or two meals a day here because I run out of excuses to eat with people. At home, my mom works 11-8, so I can wake up after she's left, and leave to go to someone else's house before she gets home. I tell my friend I just ate, and I get home and tell my mom I ate there. Easy. 10 lbs in a week? Simple.

I miss how easy it is at home. I need to get back. And as long as my mom isn't home, I can purge whenever. I don't have to worry about anyone else being in the bathroom. And I can be alone.

One more week.