Thats me!
I feel a binge coming on.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Back.
Spring break was interesting. A lot of first's for me.
Brandon is OFFICIALLY with that bitchslutcuntface. Whatever. I don't care.
My sister broke my favorite unicorn Silly band.
I am at the same weight.
I chilled with some friends of mine from high school.
I went clubbing for the first time. I danced with a cute guy there but that was all.
Had a sleepover with more friends. Ate way too much Puppy Chow.
I went shopping.
I got taxes done and chilled with the family.
I went partying with my one friend in the city. Had sex with a woman. Blacked out for the first time. Had my first hangover.
Hung out with some of the people I went to France with.
Drove an hour to see my school's drumline show. I have some pictures I might post later. Most of them are still on my camera and I haven't even unpacked yet.
I keep resolving to fast for X amount of time but then something happens. Fucking A. Wednesday will be a fast I think. I'm not going to dinner with my usual people because I'm going out with some of my Orientation club members. We are going to DQ and, oops! I'm a vegan! I wonder who planned THAT? [It was me. :D]
I did not get to sit in my solitude all break like I hoped. Instead, I reestablished old, broken connections. Well, I worked on it. I repaired some, but didn't completely fix very many.
I learned that while I am still MASSIVE. And DISGUSTING. I am nowhere NEAR as fat as I was. My prom dress from last year, which was a bit tight, falls off of me. There is no way I would be able to wear it anywhere now.
By June, I will be able to wear a bikini. I WILL. I think I just need to lose 10 lbs, and it will be fine.
My goal for tomorrow was 140 lbs. Nope. i'm still at 155. But by June 1, I WILL BE 130.
So help me god.
I WILL BE.
Brandon is OFFICIALLY with that bitchslutcuntface. Whatever. I don't care.
My sister broke my favorite unicorn Silly band.
I am at the same weight.
I chilled with some friends of mine from high school.
I went clubbing for the first time. I danced with a cute guy there but that was all.
Had a sleepover with more friends. Ate way too much Puppy Chow.
I went shopping.
I got taxes done and chilled with the family.
I went partying with my one friend in the city. Had sex with a woman. Blacked out for the first time. Had my first hangover.
Hung out with some of the people I went to France with.
Drove an hour to see my school's drumline show. I have some pictures I might post later. Most of them are still on my camera and I haven't even unpacked yet.
I keep resolving to fast for X amount of time but then something happens. Fucking A. Wednesday will be a fast I think. I'm not going to dinner with my usual people because I'm going out with some of my Orientation club members. We are going to DQ and, oops! I'm a vegan! I wonder who planned THAT? [It was me. :D]
I did not get to sit in my solitude all break like I hoped. Instead, I reestablished old, broken connections. Well, I worked on it. I repaired some, but didn't completely fix very many.
I learned that while I am still MASSIVE. And DISGUSTING. I am nowhere NEAR as fat as I was. My prom dress from last year, which was a bit tight, falls off of me. There is no way I would be able to wear it anywhere now.
By June, I will be able to wear a bikini. I WILL. I think I just need to lose 10 lbs, and it will be fine.
My goal for tomorrow was 140 lbs. Nope. i'm still at 155. But by June 1, I WILL BE 130.
So help me god.
I WILL BE.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
SPRINGBREAKSPRINGBREAKSPRINGBREAK
FINALLY. I'm skipping my religion class tomorrow. I just want to go home. I want to be alone.
I just feel really depressed. I just want to be alone. I want to sit here in the dark and cry, but there are like, 100 other people in my room right now. Watching a stupid show I hate. ITS NOT FUCKING FUNNY. GO AWAY.
I want to go home. I planned out my suicide in the shower earlier. I'm not going to do it. Calm down. I can't do that to my brother. But if I did [and I would let you know. Calm down.] I know how I would do it.
It was depressing. I can't stop thinking about it. I just want to sleep forever.
I'm so tired. I feel so sad. It's probably just that time in my cycle. I just need a break. I'll be better later.
Whenever I think about suicide a lot, I just tell myself to see how I feel in a week. See if things get better.
I'M GOING TO BE HOME TOMORROW.
FINALLY.
and I feel like a bitch for saying it, but I'm kinda glad Paula isn't coming with us this weekend. I just need time to myself. I need to be alone.
I was just wearing shorts. I feel so fucking huge I want to cry. My weight is at 155, so I shouldn't feel so shitty. I remember this time last month I would have DANCED if I knew I was this weight. Now I'm just depressed.
I just feel huge. and terrible. and shitty.
I need to be alone and I need to fast. And to run like 4,000 miles.
That might help.
I'm going to be at home from tomorrow afternoon to next sunday. I don't have internet access at home, so I'm not going to be posting very much. I'll post when I can.
I just feel really depressed. I just want to be alone. I want to sit here in the dark and cry, but there are like, 100 other people in my room right now. Watching a stupid show I hate. ITS NOT FUCKING FUNNY. GO AWAY.
I want to go home. I planned out my suicide in the shower earlier. I'm not going to do it. Calm down. I can't do that to my brother. But if I did [and I would let you know. Calm down.] I know how I would do it.
It was depressing. I can't stop thinking about it. I just want to sleep forever.
I'm so tired. I feel so sad. It's probably just that time in my cycle. I just need a break. I'll be better later.
Whenever I think about suicide a lot, I just tell myself to see how I feel in a week. See if things get better.
I'M GOING TO BE HOME TOMORROW.
FINALLY.
and I feel like a bitch for saying it, but I'm kinda glad Paula isn't coming with us this weekend. I just need time to myself. I need to be alone.
I was just wearing shorts. I feel so fucking huge I want to cry. My weight is at 155, so I shouldn't feel so shitty. I remember this time last month I would have DANCED if I knew I was this weight. Now I'm just depressed.
I just feel huge. and terrible. and shitty.
I need to be alone and I need to fast. And to run like 4,000 miles.
That might help.
I'm going to be at home from tomorrow afternoon to next sunday. I don't have internet access at home, so I'm not going to be posting very much. I'll post when I can.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I want to go home.
I want to be alone. I want to sit in the dark all day, like I do over break every time I am home, and all I do all summer.
I want to sit and do stretches all day in the darkness of my living room. I want to go weigh myself every hour. I want to sit in the dark and starve. I want to feel like I'm going to vomit unless I eat something. I want to watch the numbers go down, not up. I want to be alone. I want to have nothing to do and no responsibility. I just want to sit there.
I don't know how I feel about today. I'm just so fucking tired. I woke up at 530 this morning with a headache. I took some asprin at 430 before I took a nap, but I think its coming back.
Most importantly, I HAD THREE MEALS TODAY.
THREE.
FUCKING THREE. Arrrrggggh. I feel so unbelievably gross. I haven't purged today. I'm not even going to list what I ate. I'm up to 158.
158.
I was 149.8 a week ago. FUCK. FUCK ME. FUCK MY LIFE.
FUCKKKK
I just want to throw everything all over. I want to break everything and slam my door. I want to sit at home alone and starve.
My mom is always at work anyway, She's never there. When she is, I make excuses and things to do. I just have so much more self control. Here, everything is made for me. I can have whatever I want in between the hours of 730 AM to 730 PM. And after that, I can run to the store on campus until 12. Fuck.
Oh yeah. and last night? I ate like a whale, and then I had naked juice, baked lays, and soy ice cream.
Fucking Breaded Mushrooms. I hate you so much. I can't stop eating them. UGH. I hate myself so much.
On a lighter note... Eh. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm probably just getting me hopes up needlessly. I might say something about him later. We'll see.
I'm so tired.
My body is all fat. I swear. Like a giant pool of jelly, disgusting, fat. I feel like everyone just stares at my fat. Not me. My fat. Gross. 94% of my body is fat.
I just want to be tiny. I want to disappear. I want to hide. I don't want anyone to look at me.
Tired.
I want to sit and do stretches all day in the darkness of my living room. I want to go weigh myself every hour. I want to sit in the dark and starve. I want to feel like I'm going to vomit unless I eat something. I want to watch the numbers go down, not up. I want to be alone. I want to have nothing to do and no responsibility. I just want to sit there.
I don't know how I feel about today. I'm just so fucking tired. I woke up at 530 this morning with a headache. I took some asprin at 430 before I took a nap, but I think its coming back.
Most importantly, I HAD THREE MEALS TODAY.
THREE.
FUCKING THREE. Arrrrggggh. I feel so unbelievably gross. I haven't purged today. I'm not even going to list what I ate. I'm up to 158.
158.
I was 149.8 a week ago. FUCK. FUCK ME. FUCK MY LIFE.
FUCKKKK
I just want to throw everything all over. I want to break everything and slam my door. I want to sit at home alone and starve.
My mom is always at work anyway, She's never there. When she is, I make excuses and things to do. I just have so much more self control. Here, everything is made for me. I can have whatever I want in between the hours of 730 AM to 730 PM. And after that, I can run to the store on campus until 12. Fuck.
Oh yeah. and last night? I ate like a whale, and then I had naked juice, baked lays, and soy ice cream.
Fucking Breaded Mushrooms. I hate you so much. I can't stop eating them. UGH. I hate myself so much.
On a lighter note... Eh. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm probably just getting me hopes up needlessly. I might say something about him later. We'll see.
I'm so tired.
My body is all fat. I swear. Like a giant pool of jelly, disgusting, fat. I feel like everyone just stares at my fat. Not me. My fat. Gross. 94% of my body is fat.
I just want to be tiny. I want to disappear. I want to hide. I don't want anyone to look at me.
Tired.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Oh Noes.
I remember another long ago ED reference. When I was in my sophomore year of High school, I remember I would tell my mom I "forgot" to eat dinner or something. It was something I forgot to do quite frequently. Hm. Interesting.
Last night we went to Paula's sister's house to drink. It was fun. Jordan brought his super cute boyfriend. :D I had: 2 Appletinis. 1 Cosmo. 1 shot of Goldschlager, and 2 soy milk mix things. It had about a shot and a half of Kahlua each, and another shot of vodka, then that was doubled with soy milk. It was pretty good.
I also had 2 more FULL bags of baked lays, pretty much to myself. I wanted to puke soooo bad. Ugh. Partially vomit and partially food.
I wanted to punch Ella in the face the whole fucking time. I almost bitched her out a few times. WHY AM I SO ANGRY? Like, ALL the time? She's so fucking needy! And she just STARED at me. Judging me. Yeah, I drank a lot. Yes, I was the most intoxicated. You've been there a HELL of a lot more than me. And at least I didn't hit on anyone! If it was her, she would have been all over Paula again, and probably Sam too. Well, she's all over him anyway.
It's just painful. She hits on him, like CONSTANTLY, but he likes her hot friend. He tries to be nice and refuse all of her advances politely, but she just can't take a hint. It's painful.
I ate too much at lunch. Anything for lunch is too much.
I'm really worried about my best girl friend, Mykell. She's 2 years younger than me. Today I was talking to her on facebook, because I'm going to be home next weekend and we're going to hang out. The topic turned to how much weight I've lost, and she said she was 130-135 lbs, but she wants to be "skinnier. A lot skinnier." It worries me. I passed my weight loss off as the gym access and going vegan. I don't know if she bought it.
What's worse? I don't know how I feel about it. I'm worried, yes. Do I want her to stop eating? Do I want to encourage or discourage this? ARGH. I WANT TO DISCOURAGE IT! But at the same time, I want someone there with me through everything. I want someone I know to talk about it to. Ugh. Now I just feel terrible. I don't want ANYONE to have this! But then I start thinking, well she isn't as strong as me. It's not going to get her as much as it got me. She'll be able to get out of it.
I'm a terrible, terrible, selfish person. She's so pretty as she is! I told her she was perfect and she didn't need to lose any weight! She's so pretty! I don't think she believed me though.
If I was her, what would change my mind?
Nothing. Nothing could stop me.
ARGH!
Here's a picture I edited today. I'm getting behind. What would you wish for?
Last night we went to Paula's sister's house to drink. It was fun. Jordan brought his super cute boyfriend. :D I had: 2 Appletinis. 1 Cosmo. 1 shot of Goldschlager, and 2 soy milk mix things. It had about a shot and a half of Kahlua each, and another shot of vodka, then that was doubled with soy milk. It was pretty good.
I also had 2 more FULL bags of baked lays, pretty much to myself. I wanted to puke soooo bad. Ugh. Partially vomit and partially food.
I wanted to punch Ella in the face the whole fucking time. I almost bitched her out a few times. WHY AM I SO ANGRY? Like, ALL the time? She's so fucking needy! And she just STARED at me. Judging me. Yeah, I drank a lot. Yes, I was the most intoxicated. You've been there a HELL of a lot more than me. And at least I didn't hit on anyone! If it was her, she would have been all over Paula again, and probably Sam too. Well, she's all over him anyway.
It's just painful. She hits on him, like CONSTANTLY, but he likes her hot friend. He tries to be nice and refuse all of her advances politely, but she just can't take a hint. It's painful.
I ate too much at lunch. Anything for lunch is too much.
I'm really worried about my best girl friend, Mykell. She's 2 years younger than me. Today I was talking to her on facebook, because I'm going to be home next weekend and we're going to hang out. The topic turned to how much weight I've lost, and she said she was 130-135 lbs, but she wants to be "skinnier. A lot skinnier." It worries me. I passed my weight loss off as the gym access and going vegan. I don't know if she bought it.
What's worse? I don't know how I feel about it. I'm worried, yes. Do I want her to stop eating? Do I want to encourage or discourage this? ARGH. I WANT TO DISCOURAGE IT! But at the same time, I want someone there with me through everything. I want someone I know to talk about it to. Ugh. Now I just feel terrible. I don't want ANYONE to have this! But then I start thinking, well she isn't as strong as me. It's not going to get her as much as it got me. She'll be able to get out of it.
I'm a terrible, terrible, selfish person. She's so pretty as she is! I told her she was perfect and she didn't need to lose any weight! She's so pretty! I don't think she believed me though.
If I was her, what would change my mind?
Nothing. Nothing could stop me.
ARGH!
Here's a picture I edited today. I'm getting behind. What would you wish for?
Friday, February 11, 2011
So much for a good fucking week.
I just bought two bags of Baked Lays. Jordan and I have already gone through almost a whole one.
GAH.
And I had a whole bar of [vegan] Chocolate, PLUS a small fry from McDonalds.
FUCK MY LIFE. I hate myself. So much.
Remember when I said I was down to 149.8? Yeah.
Before purging I weighed 154.8. After purging was 151.6. ARGH. I'm SOOOO mad at me!
When I was 185, I though when I got down to 150, I would be thin. I wouldn't have a fat roll, and I would be able to wear a bikini. How naive I was. When will it be enough? Just being normal would be enough for me. I can't even do that. I'm weak. I'm pathetic.
Sometimes I doubt I have an eating disorder. I eat so goddamn much. I think I'm just a lazy fat bitch who talks big but doesn't do anything about it. That's not an eating disorder. I don't belong on PT. I don't deserve to be there, I don't deserve to say I have an ED.
Then I remember. Do normal people purge? No. Do they obsess over what they eat or feel guilty? No. Have they lost 50 lbs? Nope.
I just don't know. I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere. I feel just as fat as I was at 192. I feel more ashamed of my body. At least at 192 I didn't FEEL fat, I just thought I was a bit chunky. Nothing over the top. NOT obese. And I was HAPPY. What the hell happened?
The scale. My mom bought a scale and I stepped on it and everything came crashing back. I remember crying and just saying "No" over and over again. I couldn't believe it. I weighed myself four times. 193.8. EVERY time.
And just like that, everything came crashing back. How did that happen? How did I get so fat? How did I not REALIZE it?
I don't know. I just feel so huge and ashamed. I want to be thin SOOOO bad. It's ridiculous. I looked at a pair of size 1 jeans at Target today, and I though, "I'll never be that tiny." I tried on a really cute shirt that was a size large and I looked like a whale. There was another shirt that was ADORABLE but they only had an extra small.
My roommate, Paula scolded me for not going to Ella's play again tonight, because I had something going on. I pointed out to her that there were still 2 performances left, and NEITHER of them had gone to ANY of my band concerts. She got all defensive. Whatever. I don't even care anymore.
I just want spring break to be here. I manage to eat almost nothing when I am at home, versus at college. I have one or two meals a day here because I run out of excuses to eat with people. At home, my mom works 11-8, so I can wake up after she's left, and leave to go to someone else's house before she gets home. I tell my friend I just ate, and I get home and tell my mom I ate there. Easy. 10 lbs in a week? Simple.
I miss how easy it is at home. I need to get back. And as long as my mom isn't home, I can purge whenever. I don't have to worry about anyone else being in the bathroom. And I can be alone.
One more week.
GAH.
And I had a whole bar of [vegan] Chocolate, PLUS a small fry from McDonalds.
FUCK MY LIFE. I hate myself. So much.
Remember when I said I was down to 149.8? Yeah.
Before purging I weighed 154.8. After purging was 151.6. ARGH. I'm SOOOO mad at me!
When I was 185, I though when I got down to 150, I would be thin. I wouldn't have a fat roll, and I would be able to wear a bikini. How naive I was. When will it be enough? Just being normal would be enough for me. I can't even do that. I'm weak. I'm pathetic.
Sometimes I doubt I have an eating disorder. I eat so goddamn much. I think I'm just a lazy fat bitch who talks big but doesn't do anything about it. That's not an eating disorder. I don't belong on PT. I don't deserve to be there, I don't deserve to say I have an ED.
Then I remember. Do normal people purge? No. Do they obsess over what they eat or feel guilty? No. Have they lost 50 lbs? Nope.
I just don't know. I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere. I feel just as fat as I was at 192. I feel more ashamed of my body. At least at 192 I didn't FEEL fat, I just thought I was a bit chunky. Nothing over the top. NOT obese. And I was HAPPY. What the hell happened?
The scale. My mom bought a scale and I stepped on it and everything came crashing back. I remember crying and just saying "No" over and over again. I couldn't believe it. I weighed myself four times. 193.8. EVERY time.
And just like that, everything came crashing back. How did that happen? How did I get so fat? How did I not REALIZE it?
I don't know. I just feel so huge and ashamed. I want to be thin SOOOO bad. It's ridiculous. I looked at a pair of size 1 jeans at Target today, and I though, "I'll never be that tiny." I tried on a really cute shirt that was a size large and I looked like a whale. There was another shirt that was ADORABLE but they only had an extra small.
My roommate, Paula scolded me for not going to Ella's play again tonight, because I had something going on. I pointed out to her that there were still 2 performances left, and NEITHER of them had gone to ANY of my band concerts. She got all defensive. Whatever. I don't even care anymore.
I just want spring break to be here. I manage to eat almost nothing when I am at home, versus at college. I have one or two meals a day here because I run out of excuses to eat with people. At home, my mom works 11-8, so I can wake up after she's left, and leave to go to someone else's house before she gets home. I tell my friend I just ate, and I get home and tell my mom I ate there. Easy. 10 lbs in a week? Simple.
I miss how easy it is at home. I need to get back. And as long as my mom isn't home, I can purge whenever. I don't have to worry about anyone else being in the bathroom. And I can be alone.
One more week.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Candy binge.
I just binged on a bunch of candy.
15 mini Laffy Taffy. 450 CALS.
3 small boxes of Nerds. 150 cals.
Gahhh. = [
I was 149.8 this morning. A normal BMI. PASSED my next goal.
I'm probably like, 158.9 now.
Not really though.
I feel like shit.
= [
AND I have 2 four page papers due tomorrow. It's 1145. I have about one page done out of the 8 total.
And I have to be up at 630.
Fmllll.
= [
I feel nauseous. Maybe if I drink enough water, I'll puke. Like purging except not. Or is it? Does that count?
I'll try to force my body to reject it. Hm.
Better than nothing. We'll see. Then I can just tell everyone in the bathroom I had food poisoning, don't eat the pasta in DS. Hah.
Update: I did not puke. I ended up ordering subs from a shop in town with my friend. And downed that with some wheat thins.
FUCKKKK. I am up to 153.6.
I'm so fucking pissed.
15 mini Laffy Taffy. 450 CALS.
3 small boxes of Nerds. 150 cals.
Gahhh. = [
I was 149.8 this morning. A normal BMI. PASSED my next goal.
I'm probably like, 158.9 now.
Not really though.
I feel like shit.
= [
AND I have 2 four page papers due tomorrow. It's 1145. I have about one page done out of the 8 total.
And I have to be up at 630.
Fmllll.
= [
I feel nauseous. Maybe if I drink enough water, I'll puke. Like purging except not. Or is it? Does that count?
I'll try to force my body to reject it. Hm.
Better than nothing. We'll see. Then I can just tell everyone in the bathroom I had food poisoning, don't eat the pasta in DS. Hah.
Update: I did not puke. I ended up ordering subs from a shop in town with my friend. And downed that with some wheat thins.
FUCKKKK. I am up to 153.6.
I'm so fucking pissed.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
What the hell?
My old middle school best friend [Amanda] deleted me on facebook. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. What the hell? I'm so confused. I feel like everyone I went to high school with suddenly hates me. What the fuck?! Ugh. It just frustrates me. A lot. I haven't even been talking to them very much, so I couldn't have done anything! Whatever.
I think it's all stemming from OLD drama. Brandon and I [now ex boyfriend] broke up like, last MAY. I had sex with someone else. There were rumors going around that I did, and Brandon's best friend, Jeremy, heard about it. He told Brandon about it and he was pissed. Jeremy's girlfriend, Dolly, bitched me out this fall over facebook after Brandon and I had gotten back together and broken up again.
Brandon's facebook read, "Brandon ____ is now single." and she commented "My heart is so full at this moment" and like 4 of my "friends" liked the status and then we were bitching back and forth until Brandon deleted the whole thing. I replied to her with something like, "It's great to know how much you care! :D" and it just went on... ANYWAY, it resulted in me deleting about 6 people.
SO. Back to my point. Now that Amanda moved in with Dolly, I think Dolly is spreading shit about me. Why can't people just drop the shit? ARGH.
Whatever.
I fasted for 42 hours. Then I binged. Then purged until I purged acid.
I slept really terribly last night. I had maybe 3 hours of sleep. That resulted in 6 cups of coffee today.
Work was fine until the second half. There is this lady that works in the dish room and I SWEAR. She has it out for me.
Written Comm was pretty boring.
Philosophy was interesting. Let's just say, I didn't know they said "fuck," "ass," "pecker," and "cunt" in the 1700's. And I didn't know it was possible to combine them so many times on the same 2 pages.
I felt really nauseous all class, and my hands were really shaky. I thought I was gonna pass out for a sec.
Speaking of which, I thought I might pass out while purging, too. Oh well.
I don't even care, which scares me a little.
I MISSED GLEE. THE WORLD IS ENDING. [Not really, but kinda. But not really.] I thought It started at 8, but it started at 7. I caught the last 15 minutes. It'll be on hulu probably later tonight.
I'll probably be on PT all night.
Also: weight on Sunday was 155.6.
Now it is 151.2. Before dinner it was 151.6, so I'm guessing I got everything back out. Good, good.
My low weight for the year so far is 150.8. SO CLOSE. My next GW is 149.9. 149.4 is a normal BMI.
SO CLOSE. I have until the 28th to get to 140 lbs. I can do this.
I think it's all stemming from OLD drama. Brandon and I [now ex boyfriend] broke up like, last MAY. I had sex with someone else. There were rumors going around that I did, and Brandon's best friend, Jeremy, heard about it. He told Brandon about it and he was pissed. Jeremy's girlfriend, Dolly, bitched me out this fall over facebook after Brandon and I had gotten back together and broken up again.
Brandon's facebook read, "Brandon ____ is now single." and she commented "My heart is so full at this moment" and like 4 of my "friends" liked the status and then we were bitching back and forth until Brandon deleted the whole thing. I replied to her with something like, "It's great to know how much you care! :D" and it just went on... ANYWAY, it resulted in me deleting about 6 people.
SO. Back to my point. Now that Amanda moved in with Dolly, I think Dolly is spreading shit about me. Why can't people just drop the shit? ARGH.
Whatever.
I fasted for 42 hours. Then I binged. Then purged until I purged acid.
I slept really terribly last night. I had maybe 3 hours of sleep. That resulted in 6 cups of coffee today.
Work was fine until the second half. There is this lady that works in the dish room and I SWEAR. She has it out for me.
Written Comm was pretty boring.
Philosophy was interesting. Let's just say, I didn't know they said "fuck," "ass," "pecker," and "cunt" in the 1700's. And I didn't know it was possible to combine them so many times on the same 2 pages.
I felt really nauseous all class, and my hands were really shaky. I thought I was gonna pass out for a sec.
Speaking of which, I thought I might pass out while purging, too. Oh well.
I don't even care, which scares me a little.
I MISSED GLEE. THE WORLD IS ENDING. [Not really, but kinda. But not really.] I thought It started at 8, but it started at 7. I caught the last 15 minutes. It'll be on hulu probably later tonight.
I'll probably be on PT all night.
Also: weight on Sunday was 155.6.
Now it is 151.2. Before dinner it was 151.6, so I'm guessing I got everything back out. Good, good.
My low weight for the year so far is 150.8. SO CLOSE. My next GW is 149.9. 149.4 is a normal BMI.
SO CLOSE. I have until the 28th to get to 140 lbs. I can do this.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Did well.
Today was a decent day.
I did not binge. Did not eat. Did not purge. Good, good.
I slept really shitty and went to Archaeology where we watched a video on:
ATLANTIS. Fml. Oh well.
MY SHIRT CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY.
Haha So cute. THE ICE CREAM CONE SNEEZED ALL HIS SPRINKLES OFF. :D
Anyway. I bought it off of Shirt.woot.com Everyday they have a shirt that is $10, and all the others are only $15. I also just bought today's shirt, Poe-etic. It's Edgar Allan Poe's face made out of ravens. = ]
Religion was meh. I got my test back and only got 72% on it. WITH the curve. However, my paper was a really good score. A! No deductions! Then we watched a boring video.
Came back to the dorm and sat on PT for a while. Wasted a bunch of time looking at food porn. It was worth it.
I took a nap and slept right through dinner. Oh well. Probably for the best. I'm still not hungry. I do have another headache again. Nothing new.
I had a dream I was being pursed by a gorilla, but my friend Jordan stole my roommate, Paula's, car. We were going to Dairy Queen! Yummm. It doesn't make any sense though. A gorilla? Ice cream? I'm vegan!
I woke up from my three hour nap and went to the gym for a bit. I felt really weak, and I wore different shoes which gave me a giant blister on my big toe. I ran off 100 calories and went back home.
Today has been just nonchalant. I feel indifferent and boring today. Sorry.
I really want Herbert and Gerbert's again today. They are this sub shop that delivers, and we had it last night. SOO GOOD. I just have to wait another hour and then everything closes. Then I'm safe.
HOPEFULLY I won't eat until tomorrow's dinner. I get weak while I take my break at work. I tend to cave and have cereal. SO GOOD. Yum. I'm going to drink a lot of coffee though, and hopefully that will be enough.
I plan on using my homework excuse to skip lunch again tomorrow. I almost went with Paula to lunch today before I actually thought about what I was doing. Fuck. It was close.
I want pasta and mashed potatoes and potatoes and bread soooo bad.
Carbicide. Mmmmm.
I did not binge. Did not eat. Did not purge. Good, good.
I slept really shitty and went to Archaeology where we watched a video on:
ATLANTIS. Fml. Oh well.
MY SHIRT CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY.
Haha So cute. THE ICE CREAM CONE SNEEZED ALL HIS SPRINKLES OFF. :D
Anyway. I bought it off of Shirt.woot.com Everyday they have a shirt that is $10, and all the others are only $15. I also just bought today's shirt, Poe-etic. It's Edgar Allan Poe's face made out of ravens. = ]
Religion was meh. I got my test back and only got 72% on it. WITH the curve. However, my paper was a really good score. A! No deductions! Then we watched a boring video.
Came back to the dorm and sat on PT for a while. Wasted a bunch of time looking at food porn. It was worth it.
I took a nap and slept right through dinner. Oh well. Probably for the best. I'm still not hungry. I do have another headache again. Nothing new.
I had a dream I was being pursed by a gorilla, but my friend Jordan stole my roommate, Paula's, car. We were going to Dairy Queen! Yummm. It doesn't make any sense though. A gorilla? Ice cream? I'm vegan!
I woke up from my three hour nap and went to the gym for a bit. I felt really weak, and I wore different shoes which gave me a giant blister on my big toe. I ran off 100 calories and went back home.
Today has been just nonchalant. I feel indifferent and boring today. Sorry.
I really want Herbert and Gerbert's again today. They are this sub shop that delivers, and we had it last night. SOO GOOD. I just have to wait another hour and then everything closes. Then I'm safe.
HOPEFULLY I won't eat until tomorrow's dinner. I get weak while I take my break at work. I tend to cave and have cereal. SO GOOD. Yum. I'm going to drink a lot of coffee though, and hopefully that will be enough.
I plan on using my homework excuse to skip lunch again tomorrow. I almost went with Paula to lunch today before I actually thought about what I was doing. Fuck. It was close.
I want pasta and mashed potatoes and potatoes and bread soooo bad.
Carbicide. Mmmmm.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Ridiculously crabby fuckshit bitchtits pissy rant.
First of all. Don't judge me. I'm SOOOOO crabby right now and I still have a two page paper to write on something that is utter bullshit. I JUST WANT TO GO TO BED.
I hate school. Let's drop out.
Not really though, because that would be a terrible idea.
My paper:
On Atlantis.
FIRST OF ALL. It's complete bullshit. Plato describes Atlantis, yes, but then continues to state it's a HYPOTHETICAL story.
http://books.google.com/books?id=xSjvowNydN8C&pg=PA12&dq=and+when+you+were+speaking+yesterday+about+your+city+and+citizens&hl=en&ei=c_hlTIiOLcOAlAfBgJmtDA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CCUQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=and%20when%20you%20were%20speaking%20yesterday%20about%20your%20city%20and%20citizens&f=false
"And when you were speaking yesterday about your city and citizens, the tale which I have just been repeating to you CAME INTO MY MIND... the chief difficulty is to find a tale suitable to our purpose, and that with such a tale should be fairly well provided."
I have to write my paper on an analysis of a website, and it's this one where this guy is promoting his book. He says he knows exactly where Atlantis is located, but HE HAS NO GODDAMN PHYSICAL PROOF.
Ugh. If I was gonna write and publish a book on something, I would DEFINITELY want to make sure I had SOLID, IRREFUTABLE proof, first.
SO ANGRY. If you, dear reader, have anything to say against me [or "Pro-Atlantis"] save it, because I can NOT be nice about any comments right now. Stuff it.
I believe I told my roommate [Paula] and Jordan that they could find Atlantis in "Fuckshit Sea."
On top of all this, I didn't purge as much as I should have, and I just had an Erbert's and Gerbert's sub.
I'm so fucking pissed.
Oh. Also: That stupid bitch won't LEAVE ME ALONE and go away. I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY.
I'm going to go finish this goddamn paper now, and go to sleep. I'll post something nice-ish tomorrow maybe.
We'll see.
Post script: This made me feel better. I'm not normally like this, I swear.
I hate school. Let's drop out.
Not really though, because that would be a terrible idea.
My paper:
On Atlantis.
FIRST OF ALL. It's complete bullshit. Plato describes Atlantis, yes, but then continues to state it's a HYPOTHETICAL story.
http://books.google.com/books?id=xSjvowNydN8C&pg=PA12&dq=and+when+you+were+speaking+yesterday+about+your+city+and+citizens&hl=en&ei=c_hlTIiOLcOAlAfBgJmtDA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CCUQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=and%20when%20you%20were%20speaking%20yesterday%20about%20your%20city%20and%20citizens&f=false
"And when you were speaking yesterday about your city and citizens, the tale which I have just been repeating to you CAME INTO MY MIND... the chief difficulty is to find a tale suitable to our purpose, and that with such a tale should be fairly well provided."
I have to write my paper on an analysis of a website, and it's this one where this guy is promoting his book. He says he knows exactly where Atlantis is located, but HE HAS NO GODDAMN PHYSICAL PROOF.
Ugh. If I was gonna write and publish a book on something, I would DEFINITELY want to make sure I had SOLID, IRREFUTABLE proof, first.
SO ANGRY. If you, dear reader, have anything to say against me [or "Pro-Atlantis"] save it, because I can NOT be nice about any comments right now. Stuff it.
I believe I told my roommate [Paula] and Jordan that they could find Atlantis in "Fuckshit Sea."
On top of all this, I didn't purge as much as I should have, and I just had an Erbert's and Gerbert's sub.
I'm so fucking pissed.
Oh. Also: That stupid bitch won't LEAVE ME ALONE and go away. I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY.
I'm going to go finish this goddamn paper now, and go to sleep. I'll post something nice-ish tomorrow maybe.
We'll see.
Post script: This made me feel better. I'm not normally like this, I swear.
Cranky.
I have a headache.
There are about a thousand people in my room. I want all of them to go away. They're too loud.
Way to not invite me to your party. You guys didn't even ASK me if I wanted to go.
Ella said she HAD to drink Friday because she couldn't be hungover for her rehearsal this morning. GUESS WHO GOT WASTED LAST NIGHT?
That's right, you win! ELLA DID. :D
Fuck. Sooooo.. they eliminated half of our supply then, when Jordan couldn't drink? Not very fair.
ARGHHHH
She just pisses me off sooooo much. She's just... ME ME ME ME ME.
Fuck. Whatever.
I'm feeling my Ana coming back... Hard. This week will be a "good" one weight loss wise, I think.
I'm not sure. I'm afraid of the scale. I binged pretty much all weekend.
I ate way too much yesterday, and I purged some of it. But then I drank a bunch and annihilated a CAN of Pringles.
I had enough food at lunch today for two people. Dinner was a small salad.
Tomorrow will be dinner only. Purged.
Tues will be dinner only. Purged.
Weds will be a potential fast.
But then again, this is my plan for every week. As my sisters say, "You done fucked up." Or as Jordan would say, "You blew it."
As I would say, "You're fucking weak. Your a goddamn pussy, lazy ass bitch. You deserve to be fat."
Maybe writing my plan down will help me accomplish it.
We'll hope.
P.S. I have a headache. Everyone should leave now, after doing my homework, and the superbowl should be over so I can watch Glee.
POST post script. Ella. You are a fat bitch who is annoying and who should just shut the fuck up. You're too fat for any guy to want you, so stop pretending that EVERY GUY EVER wants to bang you. He doesn't. Shut up. Your flirting is painfully awkward.
EVEN MORE EDIT: Glee was meh. It upset me and made me even more angry with the hostility.
I just ate about 7 rice cakes. Going to purge.
There are about a thousand people in my room. I want all of them to go away. They're too loud.
Way to not invite me to your party. You guys didn't even ASK me if I wanted to go.
Ella said she HAD to drink Friday because she couldn't be hungover for her rehearsal this morning. GUESS WHO GOT WASTED LAST NIGHT?
That's right, you win! ELLA DID. :D
Fuck. Sooooo.. they eliminated half of our supply then, when Jordan couldn't drink? Not very fair.
ARGHHHH
She just pisses me off sooooo much. She's just... ME ME ME ME ME.
Fuck. Whatever.
I'm feeling my Ana coming back... Hard. This week will be a "good" one weight loss wise, I think.
I'm not sure. I'm afraid of the scale. I binged pretty much all weekend.
I ate way too much yesterday, and I purged some of it. But then I drank a bunch and annihilated a CAN of Pringles.
I had enough food at lunch today for two people. Dinner was a small salad.
Tomorrow will be dinner only. Purged.
Tues will be dinner only. Purged.
Weds will be a potential fast.
But then again, this is my plan for every week. As my sisters say, "You done fucked up." Or as Jordan would say, "You blew it."
As I would say, "You're fucking weak. Your a goddamn pussy, lazy ass bitch. You deserve to be fat."
Maybe writing my plan down will help me accomplish it.
We'll hope.
P.S. I have a headache. Everyone should leave now, after doing my homework, and the superbowl should be over so I can watch Glee.
POST post script. Ella. You are a fat bitch who is annoying and who should just shut the fuck up. You're too fat for any guy to want you, so stop pretending that EVERY GUY EVER wants to bang you. He doesn't. Shut up. Your flirting is painfully awkward.
EVEN MORE EDIT: Glee was meh. It upset me and made me even more angry with the hostility.
I just ate about 7 rice cakes. Going to purge.
Holy Fuck. So drunk.
HAHAHAHA
I swear. EVERYTHING is HILARIOUS.
I just bashed my head into a door.
I'm all alone and STILL laughing.
I told all my prude friends that I had an energy drink [true] and THAT'S why I was so crazy.
FUCK. My head hurts. I hope I don't have a bruise. [Edit: There is one forming. FML]
AND OMG. My friend that I was drinking with puked ALL OVER my roomies chair!
HAHAHAHAHA
BEST NIGHT EVER.
Edit: I went back and fixed all the typos. = ]
I swear. EVERYTHING is HILARIOUS.
I just bashed my head into a door.
I'm all alone and STILL laughing.
I told all my prude friends that I had an energy drink [true] and THAT'S why I was so crazy.
FUCK. My head hurts. I hope I don't have a bruise. [Edit: There is one forming. FML]
AND OMG. My friend that I was drinking with puked ALL OVER my roomies chair!
HAHAHAHAHA
BEST NIGHT EVER.
Edit: I went back and fixed all the typos. = ]
Friday, February 4, 2011
I wish I didn't have boobs.
They're just giant sacs of fat. And I have to wear a bra all the time.
I feel soooo gross right now. My friend [Jordan] That I was watching Glee with, well... We ate an ENTIRE bag of baked lays in 40 mins. GROSS.
And I haven't purged all day. I'm afraid of the scale.
Like, a lot. I'm afraid the number will be 157. OR HIGHER. And thats not possible.
I have to be 140 by the 28th. It's the 4th. I'm running out of time. I can't afford setbacks.
Every week I tell myself I'll start over on Monday. Then Monday rolls around and I have lunch. A big one. Then I have a big dinner.
Every week I tell myself I'll only eat dinner. Just a salad, and then go purge. And I'll go to the gym every night.
I haven't done this ONCE.
That needs to change.
I'm already a fuck up. I'm just making it worse. I feel like a laughing stock. I just want to die.
I want people to ask if I'm okay. I want to be able to tell someone I have an ED and I want them to believe it just by looking at me.
My goals are reasonable. WHY CAN'T I DO THIS.
I'm so FUCKING weak.
WEAK.
I feel soooo gross right now. My friend [Jordan] That I was watching Glee with, well... We ate an ENTIRE bag of baked lays in 40 mins. GROSS.
And I haven't purged all day. I'm afraid of the scale.
Like, a lot. I'm afraid the number will be 157. OR HIGHER. And thats not possible.
I have to be 140 by the 28th. It's the 4th. I'm running out of time. I can't afford setbacks.
Every week I tell myself I'll start over on Monday. Then Monday rolls around and I have lunch. A big one. Then I have a big dinner.
Every week I tell myself I'll only eat dinner. Just a salad, and then go purge. And I'll go to the gym every night.
I haven't done this ONCE.
That needs to change.
I'm already a fuck up. I'm just making it worse. I feel like a laughing stock. I just want to die.
I want people to ask if I'm okay. I want to be able to tell someone I have an ED and I want them to believe it just by looking at me.
My goals are reasonable. WHY CAN'T I DO THIS.
I'm so FUCKING weak.
WEAK.
Fucking A.
My friends are drinking tonight. They are so selfish and greedy they can't wait until tomorrow night, when EVERYONE would be able to. So I'm going to sit and watch Glee with the other person tonight.
Plus, I just ate. I'll pretty much fast tomorrow and get WASTED.
It just doesn't seem fair for the person left out, but no one cares.
Also: I put in $17 of our $45 total. For five people.
The stupidest, greediest bitch who put in the least amount of money had to get a WHOLE BOTTLE of whiskey just for herself. I didn't get the ONE thing I asked for.
Now they are doing shots with the vodka I pretty much bought.
I'm fucking pissed.
Plus, I just ate. I'll pretty much fast tomorrow and get WASTED.
It just doesn't seem fair for the person left out, but no one cares.
Also: I put in $17 of our $45 total. For five people.
The stupidest, greediest bitch who put in the least amount of money had to get a WHOLE BOTTLE of whiskey just for herself. I didn't get the ONE thing I asked for.
Now they are doing shots with the vodka I pretty much bought.
I'm fucking pissed.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The Itch of Gluttony
Woke up at 6:30. Got ready for work.
Cut pastries for 3 hours. Ate a ridiculous amount.
Washed giant soup kettles for another hour and a half.
Ate a wrap and a bowl of pasta.
Went to class: Class was cancelled. Read half of my philosophy text instead.
Went to philosophy.
Came home and talked to Jordan about bartending school for an hour.
Went on PT.
Went to dinner. Ate chips and pasta and another wrap. Didn't drink enough liquids. Purged/showered. [I only purge in the shower.]
Painted my toes and fingernails. Pink and blue respectively.
Went on PT.
Updated blog.
I purge in the shower because in a dorm setting, we use public bathrooms. I don't have my own. I can't be private in there. When I have to shit, I wait until like, 3AM so I'm alone. So, I purge in the shower. The problem with THAT however, is the drain. I have to mash up everything I eat so it fits down the drain. I have to sit in my knees. IN A PUBLIC SHOWER to do this. It's so degrading. = [
There is a new guy in our group. He doesn't eat lunch. For dinner, he has a small plate of fries or something. He only drinks diet soda- with a love of diet coke. He smokes. He says he's lost 40 lbs. Red flag? I think so. I'm trying to find ways to bring it up to him, most likely in the guise of me confiding my ED to him. It would just be soooo nice to have someone right there with me, you know?
PHILOSOPHICAL WISDOM:
From the Confessions of Saint Augustine:
"Time and time again I force my body to obey me, but the pain which this causes me is cancelled by the pleasure of eating and drinking...
"Moreover, health and enjoyment have not the same requirements, for what is sufficient for health is not enough for enjoyment, and it is often hard to tell whether the body, which must be cared for, requires further nourishment, or whether we are being deceived by the allurements of greed demanding to be gratified. My unhappy soul welcomes this uncertainty, using it to vindicate and excuse itself. It is glad that the proper requirements of health are in doubt, so that under the pretense of caring for health it may disguise the pursuit of pleasure.
"Everyday I try my hardest to resist these temptations...
"I have also heard these words of yours [God's]: Do not follow the counsel of appetite. Turn your back on your own liking. [Ecclus. 18: 30] By your gift I have also heard and found great comfort in the words: We gain nothing by eating, lose nothing by abstaining. [1 Cor. 8: 8] This means that eating will not bring me plenty nor abstinence reduce me to misery... I have also heard another of your servants begging for your gifts in these words: Let the itch of gluttony pass me by. [See 11 Cor. 10: 17]
" It is the uncleanliness of gluttony that I fear, not the uncleanliness of meat."
This surprised me because it not something I expected to see in a book called "A Passion for Wisdom: Readings in Western Philosophy on Love and Desire" for my Love and Sex class. And even more surprising, no one in class commented on it. Thought I would share. = ]
I might post later? We'll see.
Cut pastries for 3 hours. Ate a ridiculous amount.
Washed giant soup kettles for another hour and a half.
Ate a wrap and a bowl of pasta.
Went to class: Class was cancelled. Read half of my philosophy text instead.
Went to philosophy.
Came home and talked to Jordan about bartending school for an hour.
Went on PT.
Went to dinner. Ate chips and pasta and another wrap. Didn't drink enough liquids. Purged/showered. [I only purge in the shower.]
Painted my toes and fingernails. Pink and blue respectively.
Went on PT.
Updated blog.
I purge in the shower because in a dorm setting, we use public bathrooms. I don't have my own. I can't be private in there. When I have to shit, I wait until like, 3AM so I'm alone. So, I purge in the shower. The problem with THAT however, is the drain. I have to mash up everything I eat so it fits down the drain. I have to sit in my knees. IN A PUBLIC SHOWER to do this. It's so degrading. = [
There is a new guy in our group. He doesn't eat lunch. For dinner, he has a small plate of fries or something. He only drinks diet soda- with a love of diet coke. He smokes. He says he's lost 40 lbs. Red flag? I think so. I'm trying to find ways to bring it up to him, most likely in the guise of me confiding my ED to him. It would just be soooo nice to have someone right there with me, you know?
PHILOSOPHICAL WISDOM:
From the Confessions of Saint Augustine:
"Time and time again I force my body to obey me, but the pain which this causes me is cancelled by the pleasure of eating and drinking...
"Moreover, health and enjoyment have not the same requirements, for what is sufficient for health is not enough for enjoyment, and it is often hard to tell whether the body, which must be cared for, requires further nourishment, or whether we are being deceived by the allurements of greed demanding to be gratified. My unhappy soul welcomes this uncertainty, using it to vindicate and excuse itself. It is glad that the proper requirements of health are in doubt, so that under the pretense of caring for health it may disguise the pursuit of pleasure.
"Everyday I try my hardest to resist these temptations...
"I have also heard these words of yours [God's]: Do not follow the counsel of appetite. Turn your back on your own liking. [Ecclus. 18: 30] By your gift I have also heard and found great comfort in the words: We gain nothing by eating, lose nothing by abstaining. [1 Cor. 8: 8] This means that eating will not bring me plenty nor abstinence reduce me to misery... I have also heard another of your servants begging for your gifts in these words: Let the itch of gluttony pass me by. [See 11 Cor. 10: 17]
" It is the uncleanliness of gluttony that I fear, not the uncleanliness of meat."
This surprised me because it not something I expected to see in a book called "A Passion for Wisdom: Readings in Western Philosophy on Love and Desire" for my Love and Sex class. And even more surprising, no one in class commented on it. Thought I would share. = ]
I might post later? We'll see.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
First Daily.
I skipped my Archaeology class this morning. we never do anything in it anyway. I should have used that time to study for my religion test, but I slept. Then I was on PT for like, ever.
The test didn't go badly. Not nearly as terrible as I thought it would be, since I didn't study like, at ALL.
There's a really cute guy in that class, and he walked in, looked around, and said, "Oh. We have a test today?" Then he smiled. We all knew he was kidding, but his smile was just so damn CUTE.
After the test [I was the second one done], I went up to check my mail to see if my shirt arrived today. It didn't. I saw my ex mailing a valentine's day box to his new bitch, and all I could think of was, "LOLFail." I'm a terrible, bitter bitch. Now I'm trying to find the most awkward way possible to bring it up, so he feels really awkward talking about it.
GAG.
I was feeling dizzy and nauseous by 5 PM today. Went to dinner at 6:30. Had:
Veggie burger: Wheat bun, ketchup, mustard, lettuce, pickles.
Smiley face fries: 12?
Whole wheat pasta with marinara sauce
Mushroom barely soup: 2 cups.
Come back and purged. Then started blog.
I have my philosophy class tomorrow, so expect something mind-rapey.
The test didn't go badly. Not nearly as terrible as I thought it would be, since I didn't study like, at ALL.
There's a really cute guy in that class, and he walked in, looked around, and said, "Oh. We have a test today?" Then he smiled. We all knew he was kidding, but his smile was just so damn CUTE.
After the test [I was the second one done], I went up to check my mail to see if my shirt arrived today. It didn't. I saw my ex mailing a valentine's day box to his new bitch, and all I could think of was, "LOLFail." I'm a terrible, bitter bitch. Now I'm trying to find the most awkward way possible to bring it up, so he feels really awkward talking about it.
GAG.
I was feeling dizzy and nauseous by 5 PM today. Went to dinner at 6:30. Had:
Veggie burger: Wheat bun, ketchup, mustard, lettuce, pickles.
Smiley face fries: 12?
Whole wheat pasta with marinara sauce
Mushroom barely soup: 2 cups.
Come back and purged. Then started blog.
I have my philosophy class tomorrow, so expect something mind-rapey.
My Story
Awesome! A blog! I can't decide if I feel awesome or like one of those douchebags that are always saying "Check out my blog!"
ANYWAY.
I am 18 and in college. I am taking four classes this semester: Religion, the Philosophy of Love and Sex, Archaeology, and Written Communication.
I have an eating disorder. I am going to describe it as EDNOS [eating disorder not otherwise specified] because I have never been diagnosed, my BMI as of right now is overweight, and I switch between bulimia and anorexia.
I don't remember my history very well. I have bits that I suppose added up over time.
I remember watching a video on eating disorders in my health class. The women didn't horrify me. They captivated me. I didn't think I would ever be that skinny, but I wanted it. I wanted the attention they were getting. I wanted the love everyone around them gave them.
I was an awkward, overweight child [still am]. I was molested at 13. I was terrible in gym class. I always tried my hardest, but I still sucked.
I started cutting late 7th grade. I think that's when my ED first manifested. I skipped lunch a lot, but I don't remember being consciously aware of it, I just realize it when I look back.
In 8th grade, I almost never ate lunch, and I skipped dinner often, too.
Freshman year of high school, I met the love of my life, who encouraged me to love myself; stop cutting and eating normally. We broke up that summer.
Sophomore year I don't remember obsessing over my ED, but I know I wasn't eating very much again. I started cutting again. We got back together at the end of that school year.
Junior year is when I was first aware it was bad. I had a friend who had the same eating habits as I did, and I started purging. We would skip meals together and binge/purge together. Again, the love of my life saved me.
Senior year I was carefree and happy [relatively]. I was set to leave for France in late April of 2010. I weighed myself the week earlier. I was 193 lbs. I was going to be a laughingstock. The typical fat American. I resolved to not worry about it in France because I wanted to have a good time, but afterwards I got obsessive.
I switched from my normal pizza and 2 cookies for lunch to a small salad. By prom, I was 185 lbs, and 178 by graduation. Over the summer I restricted and joined PrettyThin. Purging became a problem for me.
When college started, I was down to 165.
The boy formerly mentioned has broken up with me for the girl previously mentioned, and I am now down to 152 lbs. I eat dinner, which I then purge.
I plan on being 140 by the end of spring break [Feb 28].
I want to be down to 125 by June 1.
My ED is now the worst it has ever been.
ANYWAY.
I am 18 and in college. I am taking four classes this semester: Religion, the Philosophy of Love and Sex, Archaeology, and Written Communication.
I have an eating disorder. I am going to describe it as EDNOS [eating disorder not otherwise specified] because I have never been diagnosed, my BMI as of right now is overweight, and I switch between bulimia and anorexia.
I don't remember my history very well. I have bits that I suppose added up over time.
I remember watching a video on eating disorders in my health class. The women didn't horrify me. They captivated me. I didn't think I would ever be that skinny, but I wanted it. I wanted the attention they were getting. I wanted the love everyone around them gave them.
I was an awkward, overweight child [still am]. I was molested at 13. I was terrible in gym class. I always tried my hardest, but I still sucked.
I started cutting late 7th grade. I think that's when my ED first manifested. I skipped lunch a lot, but I don't remember being consciously aware of it, I just realize it when I look back.
In 8th grade, I almost never ate lunch, and I skipped dinner often, too.
Freshman year of high school, I met the love of my life, who encouraged me to love myself; stop cutting and eating normally. We broke up that summer.
Sophomore year I don't remember obsessing over my ED, but I know I wasn't eating very much again. I started cutting again. We got back together at the end of that school year.
Junior year is when I was first aware it was bad. I had a friend who had the same eating habits as I did, and I started purging. We would skip meals together and binge/purge together. Again, the love of my life saved me.
Senior year I was carefree and happy [relatively]. I was set to leave for France in late April of 2010. I weighed myself the week earlier. I was 193 lbs. I was going to be a laughingstock. The typical fat American. I resolved to not worry about it in France because I wanted to have a good time, but afterwards I got obsessive.
I switched from my normal pizza and 2 cookies for lunch to a small salad. By prom, I was 185 lbs, and 178 by graduation. Over the summer I restricted and joined PrettyThin. Purging became a problem for me.
When college started, I was down to 165.
The boy formerly mentioned has broken up with me for the girl previously mentioned, and I am now down to 152 lbs. I eat dinner, which I then purge.
I plan on being 140 by the end of spring break [Feb 28].
I want to be down to 125 by June 1.
My ED is now the worst it has ever been.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)