I ate too much today.
My older sister was over and she eats an INSANE amount. Like, really. I watched her eat TWO pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream back to back.
That's like, 3500 cals.
We watched some soap opera [lol] then MAURY. Hahahahaha It was pretty awesome actually.
UGH.
I had a bunch of.... everything. i dont know.
We went to the store and I bought $70 in binge food. -_-
So she was there for a few afters after the binge and wouldn't leave, so I couldn't purge.
It just sat there. UGH.
So much food digesting. I STILL feel disgusting.
Fasting the rest of today and tomorrow.
Weds my mom has off so I have to eat a bit then.
Fasting thurs and some of friday.
Friday we [Jordan and two people I used to work with] are getting crossfaded [drunk and high] so we'll see what happens with that.
Oh. I drank again Saturday? night and ended up talking to this one guy on facebook. Uh ohhh. I don't remember a lot of it, but I know it was pretty flirty. :S Ooopsss.
I ended walking to Jordan's house and back. An hour walk. My ass felt like steel. lol.
In the event of my suicide [hopefully not for a while] I would jump off a bridge/dam I passes on the way there.
It was interesting. Hum. I don't know the words I'm looking for.
It was like seeing into the future, you know? Like how things MIGHT be.
I could see myself standing there. Just looking over. Jumping. Whatever.
The water would probably be cold. It would probably be dark. I'd exhale right away and it would all be over in less than 3 minutes.
Or what if I jumped from a different spot and got trapped behind the dam itself? How far down does it go?
I tried googleing stuff abotu ti but didn't find anything.
It was just strange. It brought it more reality and just gave the situation more weight.
Hum. I don't know. It wouldn't be for a while. Don't worry.
Another thing I was thinking about.
I don't worry about calories as much as I do about the WEIGHTS of things. Almost everything about my ED revolves around weights.
Bread doesn't have as many calories as something like ice cream, but I'd feel worse binging on bread than ice cream.
I'm too afraid to weigh myself for a few days. Maybe tuesday night. Or thursday night. I dont know. Maybe friday morning.
I'm strange. I'm fucked up. I wonder why people talk to me. I wouldn't.
I hung out with some old coworkers of mine last night. Gabe and Alex. They were talking about "trolls" and how they have a "trolldar." Then they explained that a troll was someone who was short, fat, and ugly.
Does that include me? I'm I one of those awkward people who other people secretly talk about? Maybe I'm just paranoid.
Maybe not.
-----
Talking to that guy on facebook again. I apologized for the other night. We were talking. He saiddd..
"I think I would much rather talk to you while you are sober. but it was a little cute too :P"
Haha cuteeee. = ]
I dont know about dating him yet though. He's cute and nice and such. BUT.
Being single is pretty awesome.
I like sex too much to be in a relationship with him. He's too innocent. I'd like to corrupt him eventually. I dont know.
I;m a terrible person.
My older sister was over and she eats an INSANE amount. Like, really. I watched her eat TWO pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream back to back.
That's like, 3500 cals.
We watched some soap opera [lol] then MAURY. Hahahahaha It was pretty awesome actually.
UGH.
I had a bunch of.... everything. i dont know.
We went to the store and I bought $70 in binge food. -_-
So she was there for a few afters after the binge and wouldn't leave, so I couldn't purge.
It just sat there. UGH.
So much food digesting. I STILL feel disgusting.
Fasting the rest of today and tomorrow.
Weds my mom has off so I have to eat a bit then.
Fasting thurs and some of friday.
Friday we [Jordan and two people I used to work with] are getting crossfaded [drunk and high] so we'll see what happens with that.
Oh. I drank again Saturday? night and ended up talking to this one guy on facebook. Uh ohhh. I don't remember a lot of it, but I know it was pretty flirty. :S Ooopsss.
I ended walking to Jordan's house and back. An hour walk. My ass felt like steel. lol.
In the event of my suicide [hopefully not for a while] I would jump off a bridge/dam I passes on the way there.
It was interesting. Hum. I don't know the words I'm looking for.
It was like seeing into the future, you know? Like how things MIGHT be.
I could see myself standing there. Just looking over. Jumping. Whatever.
The water would probably be cold. It would probably be dark. I'd exhale right away and it would all be over in less than 3 minutes.
Or what if I jumped from a different spot and got trapped behind the dam itself? How far down does it go?
I tried googleing stuff abotu ti but didn't find anything.
It was just strange. It brought it more reality and just gave the situation more weight.
Hum. I don't know. It wouldn't be for a while. Don't worry.
Another thing I was thinking about.
I don't worry about calories as much as I do about the WEIGHTS of things. Almost everything about my ED revolves around weights.
Bread doesn't have as many calories as something like ice cream, but I'd feel worse binging on bread than ice cream.
I'm too afraid to weigh myself for a few days. Maybe tuesday night. Or thursday night. I dont know. Maybe friday morning.
I'm strange. I'm fucked up. I wonder why people talk to me. I wouldn't.
I hung out with some old coworkers of mine last night. Gabe and Alex. They were talking about "trolls" and how they have a "trolldar." Then they explained that a troll was someone who was short, fat, and ugly.
Does that include me? I'm I one of those awkward people who other people secretly talk about? Maybe I'm just paranoid.
Maybe not.
-----
Talking to that guy on facebook again. I apologized for the other night. We were talking. He saiddd..
"I think I would much rather talk to you while you are sober. but it was a little cute too :P"
Haha cuteeee. = ]
I dont know about dating him yet though. He's cute and nice and such. BUT.
Being single is pretty awesome.
I like sex too much to be in a relationship with him. He's too innocent. I'd like to corrupt him eventually. I dont know.
I;m a terrible person.
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