Love hate.

I love Lady gaga. So much.
Like really. I completely idolize her. She is just so amazing in every. Single. Way. God she's awesome.

Random? No.
Us Weekly has a special Lady Gaga edition out right now. Worth every penny. And it comes with 5 posters. = ] [Hah, im so lame :p] SO WORTH IT. She's so fucking hot. It's great thinspo I can hang up without being creepy.

backtrackinggggg

I was going to go tanning today, but its memorial day so they were closed. Ill go tomorrow. Then I have work, then idk if im doing anything after. I'm going to go talk to an old teacher of mine on weds and have her plan out my life for me. Hah

I went to the thrift store and got a bunch of books. Because im lame.

Anyway, it was pretty hot today. Now its raining.

I got off work two hours early and went and hookahed with jojo and our friend chris. Legit.
Then I went to walmart because I didnt wanna go home. I wandered for a bit and remembered I needed more facewash. I got the magazine there.

I also got diet pills.
Dont judge me.
I almost got laxxies. I knwo they don't do anything, but I feel the appeal anyway. I didnt get it before, but I do now. You just want everything OUT you know? like it doesnt matter if you still absorb everything and whatnot, as long as its OUT. and not just SITTING there.

Anyway, so I got hunger supressent type diet pills. I'll let you know how they work. if they do at all.
Sigh.

Imma go hang up posters now.  = ]
----

Also.
God damn it.
Suicide threads on PT make me feel so shitty.
I can't ignore it.
I dont have any idea what to say.
Fuck.

I'm terrible at giving advice or making people feel better.
Fuck.
------
Its one of those nights.
I cant sleep.
I cant stop thinking.

fuck fuck fuck.
I miss him so much.
Its been 5 and a half months.
Why do I still miss him so much?

I still love him more than anything and anyone. And as hard as I try to hate him, I just cant. not forever.
"And if the world were ending would you kiss me or just leave me?"
I miss everything about him.
I miss hugging him.
I miss the feel of his ribs against mine. His pelvis against mine.
His kisses, his laugh.
The dumb dumb way he dresses.
His stupid glasses.
His mood swings.
His stupid poofy hair.
His way of making me feel amazing. How every fear and worry and care I had would just dissolve.
How I would d anything for him, even recover.

Someone tagged a picture of him and his new gf on facebook. thats what started it.
I dont know. I dont know what to do.
This shouldnt be so fucking HARD. God damn it.

god.
fucking.
damn it.

I honestly dont know what im doing without him.
He was my best friend.
Im lost.
Im confused.
Im hurt.

I hurt. So goddamn much. still.
This is unbearable for me.

Does he think about me? Does he see something that reminds him of me?
Does he miss me? Does he second guess things? Does he regret what hes done?


This is us. At this point in our relationship, things were rocky, and I was trying as hard as I could to keep everything together.
This picture hurts. it stings. It tears at old ancient wounds.
You can see how im on my tiptoes, and how were both smiling. and how tight im holding on, like i never want to let go.
I feel old.

I dont want to let go. I want to hold on tight and cry into his shoulder and have me tell me he loves me and everything will be okay again.
I want everything to be okay again. 

God. I feel like shit.
I just feel terrible.
My food intake was at a reasonable level today. I didnt binge. I felt okay. Now? I feel terrible. I feel like th fattest thing in the world.

The thing that tore me the most? It wasn't him getting with my best friend after. It wasn't seeing all the things he wrote to her or their gaggy facebook convos.
It wasnt even the thought of him not being there to hold me anymore, but that was a big one. It wasnt him not being there anymore, or not having anyone to talk to about anything.

It was when he said to me, "I just don't love you like that anymore."

"I dont love you."

He doesnt love me.

Im alone.

UGH. God damn it.
just... fuck. No words.
Out of all the people who have made me feel like shit, this man tops it all. But I stilll love him. fuck fuck fuck.
Youre in deep shit, gurrrrrl.

Yeah. Im in this deep, all right.

I just feel lost and alone. I need somethig to anchor me here.

Im tired.
Im tired of being hurt and humiliated and fat and just gross.
I'm tired of being lost and alone.
Im just tired.

Maybe this is why I keep going with my ed.
I have to show him how fucked I am.
How lost and confused I am.
How much I need help. Not just from anyone. From him.

It's my way of crying for help I'll never get. Not from him. Not anymore.

Silent. 

Tired tired tired. Everything Down here floats.

Got crossfaded last night. Interesting. It was a pretty fun night though. [Even though I felt like shit this morning]

It was me, Jojo, Delphine, Irene, and Nora. Haha
Irene had a trucker hat that said "Fuck Everyone" It was an awesome hat.

Irene was stapling her arm for some reason, so Jojo took it away from her and put it in the microwave so she wouldnt find it. He forgot about it then until later, when he started laughting and said to me, "THE STAPLER IS STILL IN THE OVEN." We both just about died laughing.

Uhm. I dont remmeber a lot. But I know we laughed almost the whole time. Nora puked for a few hours.

Uhmmmm. We didnt have a piece, so we smoked out of an orange. Classy. I know. HAHAHHA


Ate too much. Drank all day.

Got some nice pictures at the party we went to before though. = ]
Afraid to weigh myself.

We all float down here.

We float, we change.

Everything down here floats.

And You'll float too. 

They look better on Flickr, I swear. http://www.flickr.com/photos/smengvall/

My complaining hurts. [Headache]

This will be brief. [Maybe]

I have a headache. It feels like my brain is going to burst horizontally through my frontal and occipital bones.
KA-BAM. There it goessss.

Work sucked today. It was just busy.
But there is a cute guy there named Dan and he's really nice and we were flirting a bit.

I had plans with an old booty call tonight, but he cancelled because he has to get up for work at 4. Its okay in retrospect though, because of thiis GODDAMN HEADACHE. FUCK

I feel nauseous. Maybe its because I just ate some, and havent purged [due to headache, all this revolves around that goddamn it], or maybe it is BECAUSE of the headache.

Cant purge, because I'm afraid of purging the aspirin, and having my headache get worse.


Went tannign a few days ago and burned a little. Got some weird lines, which doesnt make sense becaus eI tan naked... SO I think I was just laying weird. I dont know. Might go again tomorrow.


Yep. Thats right.
I bleach my teeth, lighten my hair, and tan. Typical.

I need to paint my toes yet too. And fix my jelly shoes. And resew one of the straps on my tanktop. UGH SO MUCH TO DO.

Hanging out with a few old friends tomorrow night hopefully. They are the people I first got drunk with. Cute. Anyway, if we can aquire enoough booze we'll drink then.


Crazy coincidence. [PT reference]
I was at work and thought somone said "What ever happened to that Sarro chick?" But he really said sarah. Hahah
Then someone on facebook posted a picture of their new guitar which they named Xander [James Watson's old Alias]
It was just strange that I ran across TWO PT references in 12 hours. It doesnt happen all that often.

Uhm.
Agenda for tomorrow.
Wake up.
Tan?
Go to an old family friend's house. Drink there a bit.
Go to hang out with Jordann and old friends from high school. If that falls through, then Jojo and I might go out clubbing.
Hum hum hum. We'll see.

Headache is abating. 

I'm on the edge of glory

And also a proud owner of Lady Gaga's Born This Way. = ]

http://www.flickr.com/photos/smengvall/5757649918/

First day off work in 8 days. We had a work meeting today. LKFHS:H
I have tomorrow off though. I went on a walk with a girl from work named Andrea, who I work with. She's pretty overweight, but very nice. I tooka  lot of flower pics.
Then my sister and I went shopping, and I got two new shirts and a sundress.
Back of one

 Front of oneee

I dont know how I feel about the sundress. It shows too much of my super fat legs. [I'm not being modest. They really ARE huge. Don't say they arent, because that will just piss me off.]
So I might not end up actually wearing it for a while.

I'm afraid to weigh myself.

I'm buying TurboFire on thurday. My sisters want to do it with me [Thank god]
They need it WAY more than I do, plus it will be extra motivation.

Fasting fasting fasting.

Fasting next two days with RisingBurningPhoenix.
I dont think it will be bad.

But it might.
I binged on cereal before work [600 cals maybe? A tiny one, but I didnt purge] and I still ended up getting really bad shakes.
It was pretty bad. It was getting hard to work, and I almost said something to a manager, but I just had some lemonade and a small glass of diet coke instead, and had someone take over for me for a bit.
I had coffee on break, so that might have been it, too.

However, I think I can handle not binging.
Sleep until 230-3 ish.
Then I work 4-1AM tomorrow [today] and I have several [RAPTURE] party options for after. lol.
Sleep until 3-315 ish.
Work 4-1 again. and then sleep right away maybe?
Ill probably fast through monday, too, and binge/purge  monday night/tuesday morning.
I work on monday from 3-1.

So. I think it's possible.
I'm allowing limitless water, and diet coke, with 50 cals of other liquids a day.
So. That could be 25 servings of lemonade.
Or about HALF a serving of chocolate soy milk. lol.
I'll probably do the soy milk.
Or I might run to the store and get a gatorade for nutrients or something.
We'll see.

I can do this.
I need to get back on track.

This is disgusting and terrible.

ugh.



Wait.
Shit.
Hum.

I might get drunk at one of the rapture parties.
I dont know if im gonna count that or not.
Probably not.
I might just drink till I puke.
I dont know.
I'll take it as it comes. 

Legit

Sixbillionsecrets.com
Go.

Started cutting/bruising pretty bad again.
Bruising more so than cutting.

Did pretty good today [until now]
A total of 70 cals [not including now].

Apple fries from Burger King [25]
Pickles with ketchup [25]
2 onion rings [20]

Then I came home and had a light binge. I'll actually list it so you can have an idea of what a binge is for me.
1.5 cups pasta and marinara [300?]
2 vegan chick'n patties [320, 160 each]
4 slices of white bread [80 each, total of 320]
2tbs of ketchup [20]
1 cup of fruity pebbles [150]
with light vanilla soy milk [25]
1/2 cup of cinnamon toast crunch [100]
A can of Amy's vegetable barley soup [140]
3 vegan choc chip cookies [120 each, 360]
2 carrots [5]
1 tb hummus [20]
1 glass vanilla light soy milk [160]
1.5 cups choc soy milk [160]

Total of:
Too much math.
2080 cals.


2080.

Drinking water now, then to go purge.

Just kidding, I might eat some more.
Maybe.
Hum.
Perhaps.

Nah.

Pictures. Again. ?

I ate a 200 cals of baby carrots this morning. Thats a lot of fucking carrots.
My tummy still hurts 6 hours later. I couldnt figure out what it was at first. Then I realized.

Oh yeah. Its my body trying to digest food.
ugh.
I already feel like today has been a fail day.
Its only 3 pm. But I know im probably gonna binge/purge later tonight.
Damn it damn it damn it.

It was nice out today. My mom had me take pics of her for facebook. Shes terribly unphotogenic.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/smengvall/5734220983/

On another note, my friend posted a few pics of me from when we were drunk at a party.
I really like my hair in this one. = ] Hahah but we [Me and my BFF jordan [jojo]] look ridiculous.
Maybe more later.

----------
Later.
Fuck.
Purged.
Sorry.

I was supposed to be cutting back, but after today... Fuck.

Mom: Pig.
Freshman 15? More like summer 15. You're going to have to go back to college just so you can lose all that weight again.
Piggy.

Little sister: Are you sure you want to be wearing shorts this summer?
Move over, fatass.

Me [gettind pissed after endless comments on my weight]: My BMI is normal. Which is more than any of YOU can say.
Little sister: But is it still? And for how long?

Little brother: You're like TWO of me.

Fuckfuckfuckfuck.

I haven't even GAINED any weight after finals!
Im at this goddamn plateau again.





Freaking out again.
Over weight.
Over school.
Over life.

I dont want to be here.
I dont want.
To be.
Here.

Existing. Fuck. I hate everything right now.
Fasting tomorrow.



Also. I've started binding.
I hate my chest. So I'll bind it down as much as I can.



I havent lost anything.

I saw Dolly [the oh-so-perfect in every way girl who made my life a living hell] yesterday.
The first thing she did was give me a hug and said I looked great.
I don't know when she stopped hating me.
I dont know what happened.

Maybe she finally realized that I didnt do ANYTHING.


Fasting tomorrow. Mayvbe friday. I dont know.




MAYBE fasting.
Im a fucking weak bitch so we'll see what happens. 

The usual.

Binged. Purged. Drank.

I'm sorry.

Realllllllyyyyy shitty day at work. Blah.

My heart hurts. 

Fuck this shit.

I dont know.
I dont know anything.

I dont want to be an adult.
I hate making decisions.

Someone, just decide everything for me.
-----
I cried for a while.
I feel a bit better.
----
Binged. Again.

Fuck this. Fuck everything.
I dont wanna purge.
I have a headache.

Im hot.
Im cold.


Going to go purge.
-----
Not gonna do it.

Fuck this shit.
Im sick of it.
My teeth hurt.
My tummy hurts.

My fucking TEETH.

I'm done with this bulimia shit.
Fuck it.

Anti binge.
Nope.
I'm done. 

"Wanna listen to the king? You look like an Elvis fan."

I fricken love that movie.

In the past 2 days, I've erased a week of progress.
Fuckshitbitchtits.

Damn.
Oh well.
I have the next 3 days off [after today, and SUPPOSEDLY], so I can get a lot of working out done.
I'm pretty excited.
Lady Gaga's Judas video dance looks pretty intense.

Even if I dont meet mt GW by June 1 [or even 11], I think I might have some legit abs by then.
Maybe.

Probably not.
Why am I still writing?

Oh yeah.

I found out that the less time I have to purge, the more I can't purge.
I tore up my throat pretty bad last night.
and I only got up a tiny bit.
Damn.
Fasting for a few days so it can heal. 

I'll die for you, Ill die for you, I'll die for you. [More picture vomit]

Blogger is working again. 

Finally.
Christ.

I don't want a relationship with anyone.

They hurt too much.

Its not worth it.

I dont need it.

I can't do it.

I'm afraid.

I had a dream yesterday that has just been bugging me ever since. It was about my ex. Of course.

He wanted to get back together. Again. Kind of.

He was still with the bitch he is with now, but he said in the dream that he was confused, that he still loved me. We had sex. It wasn't hot sex, it was just sad. And the fact that he was cheating and didnt care bugged me. We went and had breakfast the morning after. We cuddled all night. It was terrible.

I dont knowww. It just bugs me.

5 months.

And it still hurts.

It hurts so much.

I want him back.

I never want to see him again.

I want to feel how his arms felt around me.

I want to forget.

I never want to forget.

Weight slowly climbing back down.

Quiet little voices creep into my head

I'm young again, I'm young again, I'm young again, I'm young again

Quiet little monsters creep into my bedroom wall..

Quiet words of wisdom creep into your victims ears.

I'll die for you, I'll die for you, I'll die for you..

[Quiet Little Voices, by We were Promised Jetpacks]

------

I ate way too much today. 

It was just a shitty day in general. 

[Drunk right now] 

I woke up too early because my sisters kidnapped me. 

Had an iced caramel coffee at the place I used to work [350 cals? 400? idk] 

Watched sailor moon with them for a few hours. AWESOME. I regret nothing. 

Went to work. Super busy. It was hell. 

Partying plans were cancelled. Drank alone. 

Havent eaten in a while, so it only took me a little bit to get drunk. As I am now. 

I had too many fries, a veggie burger, and an apple pie piece. 

Too many cals.
And I'll prolly binge in a bit. I want to stay drunk for a while. 

I was talking to my best friend last night. 

He isn;t going to my college next year. 

Long story short [because I dont really want to write much more], I'm not going back either. 

I'm going to a technical college that is $30,000/year cheaper. 

I'm really going to miss the people there. Like, a lot. 

Like, way too much. We'll still come back to visit. 

As of right now, we are planning to get an apartment together for the year at least, if not more. We found a really nice one that is about halfway between our colleges. 

Our colleges are a mile apart.
In the cities, its not bad. 

Anyway, I'm sorry. 

I feel bad. 

I dont want to leave everyone there, but the only reason I went there is because thats where my ex was going. 

He doesn't control my life anymore. 

Much. 

Picture timeeeee = ]

 Found via Got2Purge

Found via Gabby

Going to Prom?

I guess I am. Its next saturday.
Restricted so far today.

I'm back to my old pattern. Its comforting I guess.
Fast all day and then binge/purge at night.

It comforts me. I like the pattern.
I keep getting scheduled 4-1AM for work. Thats good, because I tend to binge the most from 8-1. GOOD GOOD.

Also, getting internet on thursday. lol FINALLY. My mom finally caved because she needs to look for a new job.
Our rent went up $250/ month. We definately can't afford that.
Sigh. Looks like I'm helping to pay rent again.

Weight going down. Steadily.

I dont know about prom anymore. Mykell doesnt want to go.
BLAH.

It's hot. And humid.
Mostly humid.

Its making me cranky.


Oh. And also, men-wise.
Last time I posted/drank, we ended up playing truth or dare again. This one guy Ive know for a while, chris, was there.
Well in the course of the game I was left wearing only a thong [white with pink lace... could have been worse I GUESS... Ugh] and a lavender tank top. GROSS.

He texted me the next morning after I left and said "Hey there, I didnt say anything before, but cute thong and nice ass"
Thanks?

And then there is this guy I work with, Nate, who [small world] was the 1st chair trombone in my jazz band in middle school. He was like a music god. I dont know if he remembers me. Hes very nice. Low key flirting.
I walked home from work, and he actually drove by me.

I freaked out for a minute. It was like 1 AM first of all. Second, he drives a Ford Taurus, black. The same car my ex drove.

My heart stopped. I swear. He asked me if I wanted a ride because I was "really freaking him out." lol. Cute.

Then, Ive been reading too much stephen king I think, but I turned a dark corner, and I thought "We all float down here." [An It reference]

Hum hum hum.
I'm taking pictures again. kinda. Promising maybe? We'll see.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/smengvall/5708075739/in/photostream

Cal intake under 1000 today. 

-----

Gorged on Mashed potatoes. Idk what my cals are at. Still htink Im okay if i can manage to NOT fuck up [Hard, I know.] 

It's hailing and there is a tornado warning. So I'll be staying here for a bit I think. 

The sky was greenish, not its just an odd yellow.

Hail was golf ball sized. It was pretty crazy. I threw a few over the house. Hah. 

I wish I brought my camera. 

Hail! 

PT wants to move to a new site. 

I dont know. It scares me. I hate the idea.

Starting over. New things. 

I dont know. It just wouldnt be PT anymore.