Getting ready to quit.

I just want to quit everything. My job. My relationships. My fucking life.

I'm so done.

I went to a church today.

I'm cranky. I haven't fasted this long in a while. I almost broke yesterday morning.

I can't sleep. I dont know why. I did yoga instead.

43 hours. Pathetic.

Cranky cranky cranky.

A deal with God.

I don't think you are real. I've lost faith years and years and years ago, but I'm at my wits end. I need help. This is a last, desperate plea. I don't know what else to do.

My friend, you know who I'm talking about. He's made mistakes. A lot of them. He's facing two years in prison. He was trying to get his life back together, and now its about to fall apart again.

All I'm asking is for you to give him another chance. Just one more, although I understand he doesn't exactly deserve it. Please.

You brought us together, so briefly, it would be unfair to pull us apart. He is the only person who actually listens to me when I talk, the only person who actually tries to help me because he actually cares. I think. To tear this away from me would cause me to blame myself for everything.

I should have done something to help him. I should have tried to get him to open up to me more. If I could have just gotten him to talk about everything, he wouldn't be going through this now. I was selfish. I only thought about myself.

If he was a test for me, then yeah. I failed. I fail at a lot of things, almost everything, and I'm getting pretty damn sick of these tests, if thats what they are.

Just give him another chance. Give me a chance to help him. Please. I can't do this anymore. Give him back to me, and I'll try my best to believe in you. Have faith. I'll be one of your followers. I'll try as hard as I can.

Please. Do this for me and I'll try my best. Show me some sort of sign that I can believe.

Please. 

Oh you silly girl.

Fasting. 169. I have to be 165 by thursday. I will be.

Jeans are almost comfortable now. Almost.

I feel like shit today.
I feel like I dont matter.
I feel alone.

Trigger trigger trigger.
I dont even know what triggers me.

My hair is shit. My fat is shit. My body is shit. My eyes are shit. My face is shit.
I'm shit.

I can't talk to the person I normally talk to when I feel like shit. even if  I could, hes got a lot going on right now. He might be in jail for the next two years.

Two years. Alone.

I dont know if I can wait that long.

Fuck. Everything is just a mess right now.

Omar moved out. It seems like everyone is leaving me.

Oh you silly girl. You believed us when we said you were adorable? You actually thought that someone liked you? That someone thought you were pretty? Thats cute.

You poor, pathetic thing. It was a lotr. All of it. Everything. A joke. No one  thought you would take it so seriously. Hilarious, really.

Youre alone.

Its funny how desperate I was to believe all the compliments everyone gave me. Pathetic.

God, I'm so dumb.

I can't have a perfect life, I never will. Theres never going to be anyone to take care of me. I'll keep taking care of everyone else, and then when I need help, they'll just leave. Like everyone else.

How much weight will I lose with this relapse? 50 lbs? God, that would be incredible. I'm down 10 already. Probably all water weight.

How much weight will I lose before someone notices something is wrong? How long before someone notices I've stopped eating? How long before someone notices I haven't been to the grocery  store in almost a month?

How much weight do I have to lose before they realize I dont want to be helped? I dont want to recover. I just want to shrink down to nothing.

I  want someone to actually, genuinely care. I want someone to ask me how I'm doing and mean it.

4 lbs to goal weight one. Down 15 lbs.

another 15 to gw 2. 20 after that to gw 3.

I'm so sick of being "curvy." I want to be skinny. Thin. Perfect. Envious.

I'm sick of being used. Objectified. Taken advantage of. I'm sick of being unwanted.

I dont want to talk anymore.

Dear Phil,

Im so sorry about everything you're dealing with right now. I can't imagine what it must be like. I wish there was some way, any way I could help. The only thing I could think of was to periodically make surprise appearances to keep you in high spirits. Since that is out of the question, [at least for the next 30 days, and I hope you'll be out before then] I suppose I'll take you up on the writing suggestion. It's better than nothing, right?

I miss you. I dont know if that sounds clingy or not. I think it kind of does. I miss talking to you. There. Thats better. Talking with you was always so easy. It's hard for me to find things to talk about sometimes, which is why I'm struggling right now. Conversation is a two-sided thing. Give and take. It just flows. Writing isnt bad though, I guess. I get to time to think about what Im going to say, so I dont sound so stupid now. Ha ha. :]

What are the rules regarding this, anyway? Do you get to reply, or is that a faux pas? Am I allowed to mail you things? Like photos? Can I bake you, say, banana bread, or will they assume it contains razors or a lock pick or poison or something? What about cookies, if I make sure to include enough to share? Could you trade my baking for smokes? [Im kidding, kind of] Do you even get to keep letters, or do they make you throw it away?

Did you know I don't have a favorite color? I like yellow and blue and green more than any of the others. I like grey and black, too. And white. And purple. Orange is okay. Red is okay, but I like deep reds. Or bright reds. Not that dull nasty stuff. See? I can't pick one.


I hope I brightened you day, even a little. I'll write again soon.


Yours truly,
Sylvia


----
Im not jealous im not jealous im not jealous.
it doesnt matter that the gil you called "a psycho bitch" has visitation rights and not me.
it doesnt matter that she might have been the last girl in his apartment, not me.

Im not just a booty call, he said. Im more than that.

Not jealous. 

Day off tonight

Thats the outfit I wore today.
My legs are huge. So huge. I want to gag. I ate too much.

Isn't it always too much?

Two cinnamon rolls, a salad that had cheese and guac on it, and two  bread sticks.

I'm done eating until tomorrow night. We are going out to  texas roadhouse for my sisters birthday. They have these bread rolls that are soooo good. Then were going to the club after.

Saturday is that stupid party. I'm Just going to look huge because I haven't lost enough weight yet.
(172)

Do I settle for people? Settle. I dont think so. Not really. Theres a difference between settling for people and taking the best you can get.

I dont settle, I just take what I can get, the best that I deserve.

Stripping?

What if I could some how get a job as a stripper. Somehow. I dont know who would hire me because I'm gross and saggy, but I've got some decent tits. C or D cup depending on the bra.

They make hella money. I could pay off my college loans. Buy a car. Get my own apartment. Go back to college.

Omar wouldn't like it.  And Who would hire me? I can't dance. Im too fat.

I might buy my grandmothers car. A pt cruiser, which is an old person car, but she hasn't said if she would sell it to me, or how much she would want.

My family all secretly hates me. They dont invite me to things that they invite my sisters to.

Like on saturday. My aunt and uncle are having a halloween party. They said I can go, but I can't act like a child because its a grown up party.

...

...

Bitch, I'm 20. You only see me on thanksgiving and christmas. I'm a bitch to my brother, yeah, but thats only because everyone else spoils him.

My sister acts like shes 14 and she was invited, no questions asked. >_<

I  have all these plans for the weekend, and now I just dont want to go.

I should just randomly move to minneapolis and get a job stripping. Just disappear. Leave without a word.

I want to cut so bad.

I deserve to be punished.

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Im a terrible shitty person I dont deserve to be happy I deserve to be miserable and alone forever and I just want to be alone and not have anyone actually worry about me or responsibilites I want to be a teenager again and be able to cut and starve and purge and binge and hack and die all alone like I should be

Trigger trigger trigger.

I was asked the other day to identify what triggers me.

I dont know. Girls who are skinnier. Thinspo. My clothes not fitting. Looking terrible.

I dont know.

But something has triggered me.

I need to fast. Its not like I've been eating a lot, but its too much all the same.

I'm hungry, but I dont want to eat. I dont want to eat ever again.

But ughh, it hurts. My tummy hurts, my head hurts, my soul hurts. I know eating would make me feel better, but I just dont want to.

The things I would give to be 137 again. I'm down to 173. Gross gross gross. I feel disgusting and ashamed just thinking  about that number.

Goals. 165 by halloween, 155 by thanksgiving.

137 137 137. How did I fuck up so bad?

My  legs are huge. My calves are massive. My arms are all flabby. I'M all flabby!

My clothes dont fit. I'm too heavy.

too heavy

Ughh I feel nauseous

I think its just a combination of too much caffeine and not enough water. Ughh

I went out for coffee with a friend today. It was fun. We talked a lot and went on a walk. It was really nice out, so we were out a lot longer than I planned.

He told me  about how he was abused as a kid, so I told him about mine. We talked about our futures, about what we want. I dont want to go to college for anything. I want to be a stay at home mom. Clean all day. Cook. raise the kids.

Omars acting really weird. We had sex today for the first time in like a week, and he instigated it, so I went for it even though I was really tired.

I was tired, so I kept getting really close to an orgasm, but then it would slip away from me. So I finally came, and then he just pulled out. He didn't finish at all, even though he was still hard, and he was really distant afterwards, which is a lot like an insult to me.

What's even weirder is that before he was acting normally. I know it took me a while, but it would have helped if he was a little more into it. He was like a robot almost the whole time. :/

Then, after, we layed down to take a nap. Now, he always sleeps with his shirt off, but this time he left it on. Strange. He didn't put his arm around me or anything, just layed with his back to me. When I moved closer so we were touching, he just moved farther away.

And now he won't reply to my texts. So I dont know what's going on.

A picture of me, for your viewing pleasure.

I bought this dress yesterday when I was shopping with my sister. I'm supposed to wear it to her birthday dinner on friday.

I spent so much money yesterday. Way too much. Like $150. My halloween costume was like 70.  We have a family party on saturday. My sisters are going as mario and luigi, so they said I had to be princess peach. I'll post a picture after, if I can get a good one.

I'm falling so far behind on all my bills. I dont think ill be able to make rent this month. Well, not for me and omar. Ughh. my phone bill is due this week, and I haven't paid off anything on my college loans in months. and dont get me started on my credit card bill.

Growing up sucks.

Theres this guy ay work who sets unrealistic expectations for me, and then bitches at me when I can't do it. And then bitches at me for not doing this and this and that. He just makes me feel like shit.

Fuck you. I'm working my ass off, so you can sit around and do nothing and bitch at me.

Fuck you bradley, you can suck my dick.

And thats the gospel truth.

The guy from work who wants my ass got fired. Hes been working there for five years. He made a grand a week. He got fired for making decisions without the consent of his supervisor.

Now, all I can think about is how I never got his number. I can't find him on facebook. I dont know his last name. There are a few people at work I could ask for his number.

He was so nice to me and so helpful, and I never got a chance to thank him for that.

I'm going out shipping with my sister. I need to see if I can find a halloween costume. I dont think omar wants to go trick or treating with me. I'll have to figure something out.

Getting old sucks. No one will give you candy if youre old. So youre costume has to be damn good .

I just dont want to be so fat. I can't be.

Fasted for 30 hours. Had a pizza. 960 cals. I can't let omar get suspicious. At least not for another 50 lbs. Like that Will happen. I can hope.

I dont do anything.

I'm at work. I'm bleeding out my vagina. And I forgot an extra tampon. blarg.

People keep asking me what I do for fun. I dont know.

I sleep like, 12 hours a day.
I'm on tumblr a lot.
I workout sometimes.
I join fandoms. (supernatural, sherlock so far)
I read a lot of fanfic.

I dont do anything.
I dont go outside.
I dont like the little chit chat people do. (you dont actually care how I'm doing. You dont care how my day is going. You dont know me. Dont ask if you dont care.)

I sure dont post much anymore do I?

Nothing fun happens to me. Or interesting.

But I need somewhere to organize my thoughts.

I've lost my appetite. Maybe its because I'm getting sick, or maybe its because I'm so goddamn disgusted with myself.

I've gained so much weight that my pants dont fit. The shorts that used to be huge on me fit snugly. my favorite pair of jeans doesn't fit. All that fits me is a pair of sweatpants.

I'm going to start restricting and working our again. Maybe. I think. I have to. I dont want to. I want to.

Its hard when youre in a  relationship you love. When youre in love. I just want to be happy for him.

I have a problem however. Omar wanted to move out. Why? Is it because of me? I'm I annoying? Too clingy? is it the 30 lbs I've gained since we met? does he still want me?

This terrifies me. I'm panicking. Its hard to breathe.

Its not like I would be alone. There are plenty of guys waiting for me to be single again.

theres this guy at work. He's a supervisor. He wants me. every week when I see him after the weekend,  he asks me if I'm still with the guy I'm with. Every week I say yes. He tells me how pretty I am.
He's very nice. He's cute. He's 26. He reminds me a lot of my last boyfriend...  Who I couldn't stand.

I dont understand how anyone wants me. I'm so fat now, I want to go puke. I'm not going to, I made a promise.

But god I want to.

I want to so bad.

Purge until I see blood. Cut every inch of skin I have.

Laters