I miss being single.

I feel trapped. And fat. And just.. ugh.

My best friend leaves for college Thursday. We've gone to school together since 1st grade. We're sophomores in college. Its sad. I feel really anxious and lost. 

I just feel... confined.

On my phone!

I just downloaded the blogger app so maybe I can actually update.

I got a new phone. Its a droid optimus v.

Birthday went well.

162. I feel like shit.
Relationship anxiety.
I miss all of you. I miss being alone.

Ive been busy. Soooo busy
So tired.

Ill update more soon. But I tend to say that a lot.

Oops/Story time.

I know I said I would update, but I havent had time.

Tuesday: Dropped nate off, baked banana bread, slept, went to work, got home, skyped nate, slept.
Weds: Woke up, went to work, napped, went to work, skyped nate, bed.
Thurs. Woke up. Work. Errands. Work. Skype. Bed.
Friday. Wake. Work. Scandal. Work. Phone call. Bed.
Today. Wake. Work. Nap. Work. Blog.

Nate was supposed to come online but he was really tired so I think he fell asleep.

Didnt fast this week like I planned.
Binged tonight.
161.8. KJLFSD

God. I'm so mad at myself. Still down two lbs from last week I guess... Ugh.
Im disgusting.
Repulsive. Dumb stupid whore bitch fatass weak useless lazy fatty.


Nat is back tuesday night.
Tomorrow I work 11-3, then I have to do laundry, packing, cleaning, blah blah blah. Then im drinking with my sister, her friends, and my best friend.

I work 11-3 on my birthday. LAME. But Nate wants to take me out to a nice dinner and such. And im getting a new phone that day too, because its also PAYDAY. Woop woop!

Anyway. Scandal.
So there is this other guy I work with, Clay. We had sex once more than a year ago. He keeps flirting with me and such at work. He'll make little sexual comments and he grabbed my ass once. I never said anything about it to nate because A: This guy is really hot [Im a terrible person, I know, but I want him so bad.] B: because nate would be SUPER pissed and C: because he is a pretty good friend of mine.

That being said, we hung out after work[/before second job]. I didnt tell nate. I told him I was taking a nap. So the whole time he was making little sexual comments [like "I'll bend you over that fence," "get on that counter," "if you want your phone back, you have to take your top off" stuff like that.] and I would just tell him he was being an ass and to knock it off. We were just messing around. Then he started grabbing my ass randomly and my boobs and stuff.

He wanted to show me this giant boulder he found and then he told me to climb it. It was taller than I was. I told him I couldnt. He took my phone out of my back pocket and put it on top of the boulder, so i had to go get it. When I was looking for a place to climb up he pressed me against the rock and started kissing my neck.

That threw me over the edge. You know how that spot is really sensitive and such? Yeah. That turns me on. SO BAD. I honestly considered cheating on nate. And I feel terrible for legitly considering it, but Ive ALWAYS wanted this guy. And I was facing the rock and he was behind me and pressed up against me. Yeah, he was hard. And it was really really hot. I ended up pushing him away and we moved on [we were taking a walk].

Then we were going over this hill and he said something like "If I beat you to the top I'm going to throw you down on the grass." [sexually of course]

So he beat me.
And he did.

He picked me up and set me on the grass and sat on top of me. He was still hard. and  he pinned my arms down which i ALSO find really hot. Then he kept trying to kiss me and I kept turning my head away. He pinned my arms next to my head so I couldnt move it at all and kissed me anyway. I wanted to give in so bad. I wanted to forget everything and just kiss back, but I resisted. He gave up and let me up.

Fuck. I still want him. Anyway, I ended up feeling terrible about it, so I called nate and told him. He was pissed, and we agreed that I wouldnt hang out with him outside of work, and I deleted his number.

I feel so stupid. I thought he just wanted to hang out you know? Silly, stupid, naive girl.



Nate is awake. He did fall asleep, but he's up now.

My hands hurt so bad. Theyre all cut up because of work.


I need to stop fucking up.
I need control.

I feel so disorganized and hectic and chaotic and just out of control. 

Soon

Nate is leaving on vacation tomorrow night.
I'll update tuesday night hopefully. Sorry.

I have two jobs, a large family, friends, and a boyfriend. Sorry.

SOOON.
He will be gone for a week, so expect to see a lot of me. = ]

Im flabby.
Ive gained too much.
I miss 137. What the hell happened.
Fuck you, 163.

I'm going to a super early bday lunch with my family tomorrow.
That's all im gonna eat.
Then fasting until nate is back from tennassee. Its like, a week.
I dont want his friend to think im a total fatass.

I need a gym membership.
I need control.
I tried recover this weekend.
Nope. Fuck that shit.

I need to fast.
I need to be alone.
I need to work out.
I need to jog.

I need a gym membership. But. I have no time.
I work 20 hours a week at Culvers, then 40 at Burger king.
So. An average day for me is work 11-3 at culvers, then 5-1AM at burger king. Bed around two or three, then do it all again. Nap in between.

That has been my life.
Fries. Kill my soul. Salt is a HUGE weakness of mine.
So are Oreos. But we wont go there.

Got my next tattoo. I'll take/post a pic soonish. Its a bunch of birds flying off my shoulder with "nevermore" underneath it. Its pretty. It would be prettier if my collarbones actually didnt suck.


God Im gross.

My birthday is in ten days.
I will be 19.
And just as fat as last year.

I want to cry.
A whole year. And Ive made no progress.


Fuck. 

I missed something.

Love<3 is gone. What happened to him? I havent had time to figure shit out. I havent been on PT.
FUCK. Shit.

Grad parties tomorrow.
Been eating too much.
Did okay today.

The usual.

Uhm. Yeah. I think that about all of interest. Not much else to say. I dont think....

Sorry for lack of update.

But i have literally been with nate, like, every second. [besides work]
HES IN THE SHOWER NOW so update!

Uhm. Ive been eating too much.
Still same weight-ish I think.
Nate is used to me not eating much, so restricting isnt going TOO badly.

I work thursday night so I cant go see THE FUCKING HARRY POTTER MOVIE.
Even though I requested it off because thurs is ALSO my younger brothers birthday. He turns 9. = ]
FUCK. I'm gonna have to go friday. LAME. Throw rocks at me.

Friday I'mn gonna try and switch shifts so I can go to the gay 90's dance club again. they are having a FUCKING FOAM PARTY that day! AWE YEAH.

I went to a super epic work party last night.
Nate is just amazing. He wasnt clinggy all night, he gave me my space, and he didnt like punch anyone out, and accepted the fact that I flirt with everyone. Haha.

And I was one of two girls that was there and I was looking fucking hot so guys were all over me. Aw yeah. = ] It was great for my self esteem actually. I was grinding and making out with the other girl [my friend bree who is a bit chunkier] and Nate was cool with it. Hah.

I was really nice and friendly and took care of everyone. It was nice. I drank a shit ton so I was really far gone.

Before I went to sleep that night, Nate said he loved me. I dont know how I feel about that. Ive been trying to think about it but I havent had time. Im afraid. I dont know. I told him I dont remember anything after passing out on their couch, but I lied. I remember bits and pieces. Like that and the fact that the other guy I went on a date with [AJ] was crying. I felt terrible.

Nate and I went on a picnic today and made blueberry bread and fruit salad. I have pictures, Illl get them up when I can.

At the party, there was thiis guy I used to be friends with but lost touch with. Anyway, I guess he was trying to get me to undress and such but I dont remember that. Supposedly he said to take my pants off, and I laughed and said I wasnt wearing any [I was wearing a dress].

I think the most embarrassing thing I did was dance in front of everyone. It was fun. But everyone was all staring at me and such and I felt like a dumb ass. Then Nate came and gave me a hug. I hugged everyone at the party twice.
I lost the game Never Have I Ever. you know. Where you have 5 fingers, and you say something like "Never have i ever had anal sex" or something like that, and if you have done it, you put a finger down and take a drink/shot. I lose like, every time. Haha Ive done like everything.

Did some pot. Ate some [cheeseless] pizza.
NATE IS OUT OF THE SHOWER NOW. More later hopefully. Or when I can. Maybe tomorrow night? We'll see. I was gonna stay home I think but hey. what happens happens.

GOGOGOGOGOGO

Nate is in the shower.
HURRY.

Uhm. Have been eating too much lately. "Normal" amounts I would guess, but hey. It still freaks me out.

I'll deff post more on monday. I told Nate that is going to be a "me" day, so I have time to take care of shit. Like laundry and such. Cleaning. Work out. the works.

Went to a music festival today. Jordan took some nice pics of me. Haha. I hope he puts them up soon!

A bunch of the women there were just pretty much stunning. Like there was this one girl wearing a really REALLY pretty dress, and she must have been under 100 lbs, so was so tiny and just PERFECT.

It was a really triggering day for me.

Not eating much if at all tomorrow.
Same goes for monday?
Hopefully.

This shit needs to stop. Fuck this plateau shit.

Also. I'm really worried about Naz. Go cheer her up please? [Got2Purge]

Another thing.

PT is just not doing it for me anymore, so if you dotn see me around much its because
A: Ive been busy.
B. I'm on TheHelpINeed [you know, that website Luna made. There is a link in her sig, and it still uses your webs ID and such. Its great. :D]


I'm so lucky for nate. Like really. He doesntquestion how much I dont eat, he rolls with it. And buying food [namely my indecisiveness]? Yeah. He rolls with that too.

More later, hes out of the shower!

Late last night and the night before...

Been with nate, like every free minute.

I'm home now for about another half hour. Hah. Then work.

IT WONT LET ME BUY MY HARRY POTTER TICKETS. JFSLDGD>ALHKF
FUCK. Damn.

Ill try again later.

Today was a binge day. In my defense, I havent had a binge day in a while. And I drank a LOT last night so I was super hungover this morning.
Tomorrow will be complete with heavy restricting. Haha

Drinking on Saturday, too.

Crazy work party on monday.

[Nate keeps a lot of booze, and also enjoys drinking.]

I have no idea what I weigh. I dont think Ive gained. Maybe now because I binged, but we'll see eventually.

Pay day todayyyyy. :D

OKAY. So.

Nate is at a job interview.

Basically. Nate got fired from our work, where he was just promoted to manager, because he has a PENDING felony.
Great.
Anyway, they supposedly dropped the charges and whatnot and everything was worked out, but I guess thats still enough to get fired. So now he already has an interview. It's just walmart, but hey, a job is a job, right?

We had sex last night and it was considerably less awkward. Which is good.

Lately, I wake up [at nates], go to work, come home quick and shower, then go back to nates.
He lives alone. He likes company I guess. Haha
We are officially dating btw. Facebook official.

I guess PT went through a bunch of drama [again]? I dont know. I havent been on in too long. Ill have to see what I can find.

I dont know what my weight is. Still too much, but enough that I'm not freaking out about it.
Ive been eating around 1200 cals/day? I think?
Im not entirely sure.
I havent purged in I dont know how many days.

I dont think I have anything more else to add? Hum.
I dont think so....



WHOA.
WHAT THE FUCK.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT.

DAMNIT. I HATE it when they change Pts layout! LKDHLFKJJSAJ
----
I feel fat.
Like, huge.
gross. disgusting.
Ugh.

I say "chin up" to people when theyre sad a lot.
It reminds me of drumline and marching band and the phrase "Fake it 'til you make it."
You know?

Keep your head high. Push through everything.
Ignore the pain.
Ignore the tears.
Blank.
Empty.
Your heart is on fire and your mind is on ice.
Hearts on fire, minds on ice.
Just keep going. Don't look back. Think about what is ahead.

Chin up.
Confidence.
Fake it till you make it.

That was a bad ED year for me.
Pretty sure my bulimia started then.
Heavy restricting. Too much physical activity.


I might leave PT, too. Not about the drama, I just dont like change. 

more later

ive been at nates like, every free minute. He is in bed now. Im drunk.

Anyway. Sleepy time.

Im still alive. I'll update when I can. Maybe [later] today or tomorrow.

Sorry. I still love you guys, I promise!