Changes.

Binged.

158.4.

I'm a fucking failure.

Cut a little bit. More in store for tomorrow.

Working out tomorrow.

Abuse of diet pills starts up again tomorrow.

Is it safe to mix hydroxycut and appetite suppressants?
Do I care?
Not really.

My interview for my manager position is tomorrow.
Fake it til you make it, baby.

I'm disgusting.
Repulsive.

That hot guy that wants to get with me?
Its a joke.
He's going to stand me up.
Laugh at my fat fucking body.
Take pictures and show all his friends how disgusting I am.

Look at the ugly fat girl who pretends that someone will find her attractive.
Point and laugh.
It'll be like some carrie shit or something.

Relapse?
You betcha.

Fasting tomorrow.
A fail will result in a mass mutilation of my body, with diet pill overdose.

Don't fuck this shit up.
Again.

Stop fucking shit up.
Try, just once, to not be a fucking failure.

Kthanxbye.

Tats.

Also. Here is the best pic I have right now of my newest tattoo. Its a bunch of birds with "nevermore" underneath.
Have a nice day.



I'm planning on bruising tomorrow. 

Up in the middle of the night.

My best friend is having a life crisis. He doesnt know what he wants to do.
Its all good. Neither do I.


I dont know how I feel about that party.
I gave 5 lap dances and grinded on 7 different people. Made out with I dont remember. 4 I think?
This guy I work with, who turned 21? We somehow ended up in his room and before I knew it, my clothes were off of me. Then we were having sex. When I realized what was going on, I pushed him off of me.
No one at work knows what really happened. They think we just had sex. So everyone thinks Im a whore.

Whatever.
Food intake good yesterday.
Terrible today.


Theres this superrrr hot guy who thinks I have a hot ass. We're hooking up when hes back in town.

A manager where I work quit, so I'm getting pushed through to her old position.


I dont really have more to say i dont think.

I havent been working out enough.
Ive been eating too much.
Im hoping I can make 145 before that booty call. 

I am strong.

Fuck this shit. I dont need you.  (Not you.)

I don't need anyone. I'm independent.
I can manage everything alone.

I can do this.
I am strong.
I will fight.

Triggered.

My phone wont let me read other blogs.
So I came on to read them. 4 weeks worth.
Done.

The first blog was a photo blog. full of thinspo.
I forgot how triggering it was. and how badly I wanted it. How much I crave it.
Everything. Nothing.

My blog has been so boring lately. I'm sorry.
155.4
Not 137.6. That was my low weight. I forgot how much I missed it.

Its that feeling you get when you look at a good thinspo picture and how your heart drops. Sinks. Tightens.


I want this.
So bad.


I went on a date last night with a really innocent and adorable guy from work. We clicked pretty well but we wouldnt be having sex either. Hes a wait until marraige type of guy.
Nate called me 19 times during and texted me 9.

Fuck.

Theres a party im going to on friday. Imma wear my panda dress. :D 

Concordia

I'm there now! My key still works for all the doors.

154.6

Nate keeps calling and texting me. He seriously wont leave me alone.

Uhm. Lets see. What else is new.

My sister and I started hydroxycut. I've had a few binge days and I'm not seeing too much damage. Its bearable.

I had sex with the guy that kissed me. Holy shit.
I forgot how big of a dick he had.
No regrets. Haha

Got drunk last night. Getting drunk tonight.

I'm outie! Peace!

I broke up with nate.

157.4.

I just don't think I feel the same way about him anymore. I felt like I wasn't actually trying or putting anything into the relationship but rather I was just going along for the ride.

And I miss being single.

He keeps calling and texting me asking for another chance. He'd do anything. He doesn't know what to do now. I meant everything to him. Can we please try again?

This is why I hate relationships. Fuck. Not worth it. I feel terrible.

I feel like such a bitch.

I went shopping on thurs. Spent $300. Bought a cute panda dress! 

Im suffocating.

I feel trapped. I just don't know.

Nate and I have been bickering so much lately. He's really getting on my nerves.
Id break up with him but then he goes kn and on about how he loves me and I was the best thing that ever happened to him and shit and how he would do anything to be with me.

I need a vacation.

Relationships suck.

I'm happier when I'm not happy.

I ate so.much fucking food today.
Dhshbdjfidbsnsjzkeo.

I'm quitting Culvers (my morning job).
Panera, my first job, will probably give me $8 an hour if I come back.  Beats the 775 that they're giving me now.

And my boss at burger king just gave me the manager pretest. Once I get three 100%s on it, I can take the real one. I've done it five times already. I got 70, 74, 88, 92 and 92. So close. Damn.

Bickering with nate while at work. Hah. I'm always working.

I just ripped my toenail off.

Fucking couch. It hurts like a bitch now.

I told nate to go do something today because I didnt want to put up with him. I wanted to do what I used to do. I wanted it to be normal.

So I have another hour to sit on here and PT/THIN and fuck around like I used to. Its great.

I havent weighted myself in a few days.

Food intake yesterday was bad.
Today is goodish I think. I had a pumpkin lemonade thing at work. and thats it. 350 cals? Hopefully I wont have anything else. Buttt. I dont know. I almost made a pb&j sandwich. So we'll see I guess.

I feel disgusting. I want to be a decent weight before I visit my old college again. Im gonna guess my weight at 158.

This time last year I was 164.
kjHgflaskjd.

My best friend and I are getting super drunk tonight.



My ex deleted me from facebook. This shouldnt upset me as much as it does.