I feel claustrophobic. I feel suffocated and like I can't breathe.
My clothes are all too tight.
God, I'm stupid.
I just dont have words right now.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I'm already fucking everything up. Of course.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
This is why I can't care. This is why I should end this. But then he smiles at me and I just melt and I forget all the reasons why I had doubts.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Long story short, phil is an ass. I should have realized, I should have been less naive. Stupid, silly girl.
I'm falling for someone else, and phil is pissed. I haven't heard from him in two weeks. Fine then, be that way.
But I can't do this again. I can't let myself feel again. I can't get hurt again. Hes got a family, a fiancee, a 3 month old daughter. I'm not going to break up a family. If it comes to me or his family, I won't let him choose me.
I can't do this. I dont deserve it. I dont deserve to be happy, or to have someone so nice to me. I deserve someone awful.
Why won't my body and my soul listen to my brain? I'm just confused and hurt and I ache.
My whole body hurts from working out. My throat hurts from purging. My stomach aches from not eating.
I dont deserve his compliments. I'm a potato. A dog.
And I'm not nearly close to my goal.
Purged today. Purging mozzarella sticks is awful. Just awful. But I can't gain any more weight.
I need to fast. Until like, thanksgiving. That sounds like a good idea. Unrealistic for my weak, fat ass.
I feel dizzy. Lalala.
I wonder how much of this weekend I can sleep through.
Were going dancing on friday. I'm sober cab this time. Thats okay I guess. Then I won't feel sick and have to eat.
I have to stay strong. I have to remember how much I want this. How much I need it.
I dont know what I want. I dont know who I want. I dont know where I'm going or how I'm going to get there or what I'm going to do when I get there.
I dont know if I've made the right decisions, or if I'm making awful mistakes.
They say anorexia is a slow form of suicide. I think thats true.
I'm not going to meet my thanksgiving goal. I'm at 169 right now. Its been a binge weekend. I've purged a few times. Not enough.
Dear lord, I swear, all my family does is eat. I'm going to have to be sleeping all next weekend.
I read john greens the faults in our stars and looking for alaska. They were good.
I never want to eat again.
I dont like relationships, but I dont like being alone.
"Nobody said it was easy.
Its such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh take me back to the start."
I hurt so bad. And I'm all alone. And I have to act like I dont care.
And its just so fucking hard.
I want to go back. Beg for forgiveness. Tell him I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I miss him so much.
I've lost my best friend.
I can't sleep.
I can't eat.
And everytime he texts me, it just hurts. Because I'm trying all the time not to text him, and its okay if I dont think about it. I'm okay. But when I do its just like my heart is breaking. Ripped into pieces. Shredded.
And it hurts.
So bad.
Fuck.
This is why I hate relationships.
This is why I should just be alone.
Then theres no hurt. No heartbreak.
I keep remembering when he begged me to take it back. Take back everything he said. And I just shook my head.
God, I miss him so much.
And knowing hes hurting as bad as I am makes it worse.
Knowing that he wants to take everything back just kills me.
I'm so tired. And I ache all over.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. its killing me. I hurt so bad and I know you could make it all better if you were here.
What have I done. I love you so much. You were my best friend, and now we can't even talk.
I can't even think about it.
I'm numb. I dont think about anything. Then I dont hurt so bad.
I can't talk to anyone. I dont have anyone to talk to. I'm alone.
And I know you are too.
I dont want to be with anyone else. I know you think I do, but I dont. I just want you.
But it can't happen. We can't be together.
They pushed his court date back another month.
I dont know if I should take it as a blessing or not. I dont know if I should go to a church or not. I just dont know.
I think I'll go a few times. Show that I'm serious, even though I didn't get quite the results that I wanted.
He looks happy. We were making jokes in the court, rated the women who were on trial. The lawyer was a 7, no one else was above a 3.
He looked over at me more than the other two girls who were there for him.
One is the married girl he slept with. He barely looked at her. Heh heh.
Whenever I look at her, I just imagine them having sex, and it makes me feel sick. I wonder when the last time they had sex was. I dont know if I want to know.
Tired. So tired.
I went to taco johns with my sister. I couldn't eat all my food.
Weight steady around 165. I have until thanksgiving to drop ten. 15 by december 1st.
My body is sore from yoga.
Might go to the club tonight for a friends 21st birthday. Maybe. I'm so tired though.
I have to help my sister move in this weekend.
Broke my fast after 60 hours with a pumpkin blizzard and some candy. Then I felt really sick so I had an apple.
I was 166 yesterday so I think I met my goal.
I find out what god has decided tomorrow.
I'm nervous.
Went trick or treating as princess peach. Ignore my fat rolls. This pic was 8 lbs ago, so its not quite so tight anymore.
I need to talk to phil. I miss him.
Omar and I have been fighting all day. Its my fault he moved out and I've been avoiding him and blah blah blah.
I need a smoke.
Or four.
So tired.
Everything smells delicious.
Fuck I'm hungry.
So tired.
Worried.
My body hurts.
My soul hurts.
I just ache.
I'm so sore.
Ugh.
Please god, do this one thing for me.
So fucking hungry.
So tired.
So much to do.
