lalala. La.Blahdy blah.

I dont know what I should put for a title.

Ate wayyyyyyyyyy too much again today.
Purged dinner.

Its strange. I never really thought of myself as having a phobia about eating in front of people, but I kind of do I guess. I feel like everyone is staring at me when I eat. So when I eat alone, I move to a different spot in the cafeteria like, three times. I just realized how strange that was today. I can't sit in the same spot when I'm eating. I feel like everyone is staring and judging me.

Another weird thing about me.
I can't touch people. I hate being touched. It just seems... unnecessary. Like, just don't touch me, and we're fine. Unless I'm drunk. Then I touch EVERYONE. Not sexually. [well sometimes.] Like hugs and stuff. I'm just weird I guess.
I think It's because my last/ex boyfriend was pretty controlling, and he would get mad when I would touch other people. So that is part of it I guess. That, and the fact that I'm disgusting of course.

I can't wait for next week. I should be done with my period sometime later this week, which means FASTING.
MMMM
YES.
FASTING. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!
Lose all of this disgusting fat and food weight.
Disgusting.
Soooooon.
Fasting sunday night? through thursday.
I'm going home weds night, which means I have all weekend to eat pretty much nothing, and purge whenever I want.

FINALLY.
I have another paper to finish tonight, then a test on monday, then two finals and I'm done with school until the fall.
HOPEFULLY I can get back down to 140/low 140s by the day we move out.
Then 130 by June 1.
And more from there.

115 by next fall. AT LEAST.


Hum hum hum. I was going to say something. I had a lot to say today. I don't remember. I'll probably come back to this later.

Oh. We are partying tomorrow night, but I don't think we are going to Hooters/girls gone wild. Lame. Oh well. We'll probably just party here.
I'm really excited though, because there is this one cute guy who is partying with us this weekend. Maybe something will happen? i don't know. Hah. We'll see.
------

I REMEMBER NOW.
I was going to talk about body dismorphia.
Body Dysmorphic Disorder [BDD] is, according to the Mayo Clinic,
"a type of chronic mental illness in which you can't stop thinking about a flaw with your appearance — a flaw that is either minor or imagined. But to you, your appearance seems so shameful that you don't want to be seen by anyone. Body dysmorphic disorder has sometimes been called "imagined ugliness."

When you have body dysmorphic disorder, you intensely obsess over your appearance and body image, often for many hours a day."

Hum. Interesting.
I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am making up all the fat I see, but then I feel it's deserved.
Like, earlier today. I was looking at myself in the mirror and I thought, "What is wrong with you? You look fine. You look normal. No one else cares, only you do."
But then a few hours later I thought the exact opposite.
"What the fuck were you thinking? Ugh. Just LOOK at those legs. How could you HONESTLY think that you looked good? You don't. You look terrible. And fat. And disgusting."

And about 5 minutes before THAT, I was walking behind a girl who was wearing skinny jeans. She might have weighed 165? I'm not sure. Anyway, I thought, "Man, I wish my legs were that nice. She has nice legs."
But. I'm about 20 lbs less than her, so what does THAT say?

Maybe I'm just weird. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm sicker than I thought.

I always switch between thinking I have an Eating Disorder problem, and thinking I'm fine: normal, nothing wrong with me.
Then I remember Im not normal. A normal person wouldn't obsess over their fat or their weight. A normal person doesn't fast. A normal person eats more than once a day. A normal person doesn't purge, or spend hours on ED networks. A normal person doesn't waste their life looking at food porn and thinspo.

I don't know what I'm trying to say.
I'm just frustrated.
And fat.

I don't know what I feel. I think I'm sad maybe.

I want to binge. Like, hardcore.

My teeth hurt.