[Not] Brief [at all]/ Before and Afters?/Rantishlameshit

So I can BOMBARD YOU GUYS WITH PICTURES! [Befores and currents, with weights]

My dress broke. IT FUCKING FIT. And then the zipper went all fucked.
KDJFHDJS:LFKJS>K
So I had to wear my old purple dress.
I was freaking out about it and fussing over myself while looking in the mirror, and my roommate said "Stop freaking out okay? Jeeze. It's like you have body dysmorphia or something." I froze. Really. Then I tried to laugh it off.

Night was pretty low key.
Ate too much. Drank. Danced. Made flirty eye contact with a cute guy from my philosophy class. Drank.  Went to bed.
I already ate too much today [A sandwich, veggie burger, and fruit] but I'm not too worried because I am probably going to skip dinner tonight.
PICTURES.

High school Junior [Stay at home] Prom! 160 maybe? I don't remember. I didn't have my ED at that time.

 This is the new bitch my ex is dating. GOD THIS PICTURE IS DISGUSTING. Same dress I wore last night.

My ex. 

SENIOR PROM! 185 I think? It was like, a month after my ED came back. I dropped about 10 lbs before prom so I thought I looked AMAZING. Hah. Riiight.

Ick. With the Ex.  

Anddd Me with the girl who pretty much single handedly made my ED SO much worse. 

NOW! 140 = ]. 

Full Body

Showing my fat fat dumb tummy and arms

Spare Tire. 

Muffin top.

And fat arms. 

My old prom pictures make me want to cry. I'll have a bunch of "before" pictures from when I was 165, 160,  and 150, but I'm not going to post those until I'm AT LEAST 130. 

-----

9:17 PM

I ate dinner.

I ate too much. I have to check to be sure but I'm estimating 900 calorie dinner.

DLSKHFGDHJSK>SH

GROSS.

DISGUSTING.

I don't know why i'm freaking out so much. 

I COULDNT have gained any REAL weight, and I know that. 

But 141 just seems... Ugh. Like failure. 138 WAS RIGHT THERE. I HAD IT. 

Now I'm further away.

Summer is coming soon. I'm going to be home in about 3 weeks. 

Finally. 

Home. 

Alone. 

Then I can EASILY get down to 130, and further from there. I haven't decided a next goal weight after that. 

Probably 115? By when though? Hum. 

I have a concert on July 4th.

That's a good date.

Yessir. 

Then 100 by the beginning of school again. 

It sounds reasonable when I think about it this way.

But 100 by Sept 1? 

That just seems unfathomable. Hum. 

125 right now seems unfathomable. 

Body dysmorphic my ass. 

I'm fat. I'm huge. I'm a fucking whale. 

I'm disgusting. This needs to change. 

--------

Late. 

Well shit. It's one of those times.

Hopeless. Sad. Numb. 

Nothing. 

It's one of those times I just keep telling myself, "go to sleep. It will be better in the morning. Wait for it to pass. See how you feel on Saturday. push through, just for a little longer." 

Ah, but fuck, each time it comes, it gets harder to resist. So tempting. 

Fuck this is so hard. It would be so easy, then it would be over. Everything would be gone. So easy. 

Wait. Put it off, like you put off everything. See how you feel tomorrow. 

I'm tired of hurting. I'm tried of not feeling. I'm tired of the numbness. I'm tired of being fat. 

I'm just so fucking tired. 

And things could be so easy. Its so tantilizing and so close. Half a second. An overbalance and youre done. 

No.

Wait. 

I just hurt, and I just want it all to be over. Fuck. this isn't fair. I don't understand what I did to deserve this.
I always tell people that it gets better, but I don't know. I just don't know. I still hurt just as bad.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say.

Fuck fuck fuck.
I need to go to bed.
I dont want to.
I wouldnt be able to.
It will be better in the morning.
I hurt too much.
I'll just wait until I pass out from exhaustion.

Fuck.
It shouldn't hurt so much. No one should ache this much.