Happy Halloween.

Unfortunately Im working. -_-

We all want to create something magical. 

Why can't I be one of the pretty girls?

I'm probably going to make a tumblr soon. 

That doesnt mean I'm going to neglect any of you [more than I am now]. 

Against my better judgement...

I weighed myself. I ate normally today, but it just proves that eating normally will lead to gain.

159.8.

I cried.
Then cut.
Then cried a bit more.

I WILL fast tomorrow. 
This is ridiculous.
Hopefully the cuts will remind me to stop being a fat, pathetic, fucking failure.

Its no wonder no one wants me. I'm repulsive.

I havent weighed myself in about a week.

I'm terrified. I've been binging all week.

My ex is single again. He cheated on me with my best friend and has been seeing her for almost a year now. I have no idea why they broke up.
I don't know how I feel about this. I think its going to be another trigger.

At first I laughed. Stupid stupid people. She moved three hours away to be with him, got a job and an apartment, severed ties with her family. And now its over. Hah. Dumb bitch.

But what does it mean? Why?
He deleted me off facebook a few months ago. Childish, I know. But what do I do if he wants to start talking to me again?

I don't know. I have no idea and I don't want to think about it right now.

I'm so tired.

I want to cut so bad right now.
I want to take a few bottles of pills and cut my body all over and then go to bed.

I've eaten an obscene amount. I have tomorrows intake all planned out. I'm not checking the scale until Sunday morning.

I told the guy I like that I had feelings for him. He doesn't feel the same.

I got my first driving ticket today. It was for a seatbelt violation. Fml.

Working all weekend. Ill update when I can.

I cant motivate myself to get out of bed today.

So ill just sleep allllll day.

Im so fucking fat im about to literally cry.

Imma go die in a hole now. And not eat.

Salad with family tomorrow.
Then nothing.
And nothing.
And nothing.

I'm so sick of this shit. I'm fucking sick.
I feel sick.

Fuck fuck FUCK.

I wanna go jump off a bridge. But I know I wont.
We'll see how I feel next week.
We'll see how much of a fucking failure I am then.

I hate myself so much.
I just want everything to stop.
Just. Stop it.

I want time to stop moving. I want life to be easy again.

I want to be loved.
I want to be able to feel pretty.
I want to feel like I deserve something.
I want to feel proud of myself.
I want to feel like I don't have to try so hard.

I just want to feel.
I want to feel something other than this sick, crippling depression. 

I dont want to talk to anyone.
I don't want to leave the house.
I don't want to stay here.

I'm so sick of being a failure. I want to accomplish something. I want to make a difference.

I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
Never have to face the next day. Never have to think.

Just. Sleep.
Forever.

Wouldn't that be great?

A very black mood.

I'm at the doctors office for a pap smear. (Gross I know) I've been waiting in this tiny room for more than half an hour. Fuck.
And my anxiety is really bad. I'm freaking out. I'm about to leave.
I felt like shit this morning so I put on a perfume I don't normally wear and its triggering a bunch of old memories from when I used to wear it.
Speaking of triggering. I had a really really triggering dream last night.
And I'm fat.
And short.
When I get home, im gonna cut the shit out of my hips.
------

Home. Im actually on my laptop for the first time in weeks.
I didnt have a pap smear.

I lied already so much today.
"Do you smoke?"
"No."
"And how often do you drink?"
"Occasionally. Not much."
"What about abuse?"
"What do you mean? Like physically..?"
"Physically. Sexually. Emotionally."
"Nope, never."

The stupid lady almost gave me a heart attack. We were about done and then she pulled up my weight chart on the computer.
"One more thing we have to talk about." -insert heart stop-
"Your weight has been on a steady decline." -stops breathing-
"Which is good. A lower weight is always good."

You have no idea.

Well then.

I'm good enough to fuck. Occasionally.
But I'm not good enough to date.

So what's left?

After binge.

154.0

Fasting tomorrow. Can only eat after 6 on weds.
Fast thurs and Friday.

Fat and disgusting (the usual.)

Binged. Weight unknown.

So I kinda have a thing for two guys. Which is saying something due to my intense fear of relationships.

I've liked dan for a few months now. He's younger, religious, a virgin, and doesn't want to date.

Cam I've liked for a.few weeks. He's very flirty and in a band. Also, he's adorable and super sexy at the same time.

So I told dan that I liked two people. I ended up telling hin one was cam, and we haven't really talked since. I'm getting the vibe he's mad at me, but he said he wasn't.

If he is mad, I don't know if it would be about the cam thing. He said he likes me like a good friend, and that's all. And that he doesn't want to date anyone for a while and he hasn't even liked anyone in a while.

So I'm fruatrated about that.

Meanwhile. Cam is super flirty with me. I meam, he's super flirty with everyone, but it seems like he focuses his attention on me.

But then, today he was talking about how he has a date with this girl he likes on Friday. He kept bringing it up so I'm not sure if he was trying to make me jealous?  I told hin to nake sure he makes her feel special, and to make sure she knows that he flirts with her a lot more than anyone else. So we'll see if his behavior changes with me? And then he was talking about his high school woman drama and how they freak out about everything and then he told me that he really liked how mature I am, and how I can keep my emotions in check.

And then on top of all that, I'm supposed to hang out with both dan and cam tomorrow, but neither of them has said anything about it.

Blah. Sounds like a hell of a lot of drama to me.

I'm jusy gonna not do anything. And avoid my problems like I always do.

Fuck. I'm just a whiny bitch.

Disregard this post.

I have a headache.

Binge.

152.4

First manager shift.

I'm heading in right now. Eeeek! Wish me luck!

But you know that you're toxiccc.

Bad day today. 

I had a breakdown at work. 

Long story short, I fucked a lot of orders up, felt like shit and almost quit because I suck at everything. 

Almost got my ears pierced again today. 

I ate too much. 

But really it wasn't that much. 

I feel like an object. 

I feel ugly and fat and terrible. 

Time to put away my skirts and leggings and take out my fat pants and hoodies. 

Shower/weight/purge/cut time. Soon. 

Going to the beach tomorrow because it's been ridiculously warm for a minnesota october. 80 degrees? really? 

I dont really wanna go. I'm gonna feel like a whale. But I cant keep putting my friend off. 

SIGHHH. 

Im tired. 

And of course, the one guy I would actually think about dating doesnt like me. 

So tired. 

I start manager training on friday.
Woo. 

Dear sir.

Is it pathetic that I am still in love with you? Even after all this time, and after everything you did to me. Everything you put me through. Is it pathetic that I still love you?
I miss you so much. Still.

154.0

http://www.flickr.com/photos/smengvall/6206589744/lightbox/

Im gonna go cut now.