I'm so tired

I'm going back to school full time and I'm working full time and I don't know how much longer I can do this. 

I'm tired. 

So tired. 

I'm going for accounting and I still have like, 3 and a half years left. I've barely made it half a year. 

What's the goddamn point. It's just useless. It's so hard and I just can't do it. 

Ive got to tap out. 

My back hurts so badly. My body hurts all over. I'm so tired. 

So tired. 

I just had four days off for thanksgiving and it wasn't enough. 

So tired. 

School is such a waste of time. Such a waste of money. What the hell am I doing and what is the point. 

I don't care. 

I'm too tired. 

Master of puppets, youre pulling the string

My phone synced with something and added a bunch of pictures from my  blogger, so I was looking through them and oh boy.

I thought I was  triggered before.

It had a bunch of thinspo on there, but more importantly, pictures of me at my low weight. Good ones.

Ugh oh my  god that was thirty lbs ago and I would literally kill for that. And in those I'm wearing the bracelets I wore when I cut a lot.

So thats triggering too. I'm thinking about making new ones.

I haven't purged in like two months, but holy shit I forgot how  badly I  wanted this. How bad I need this.

I want to push everyone away from me. I want an apartment I dont have to share. But I need a car first. Ugh seriously I'm.21 in like two months and I still have no car. Woooow.

I'm stuck  at the same weight I always get stuck on. Its so frustrating.
I miss the way my jeans didn't dig into my fat. I miss how loose they would get.

Fuck I need to pull myself together.

Well fine fuck you

Dont  forget, you were the one who broke up with me. you were the one that moved out. I just didn't take you back and that  makes me the villian? Thats bullshit and you KNOW it.

I'm the bitch? I've been completely passive this whole time. I've left you alone because I know its for the best in the long run. youre just a spoiled child. Thats what our whole relationship was. It was just me  taking care of a rich mommas boy and failing at it over and over again.

Nothing I ever did was right or good enough. I worked too much  even though I was the one paying for everything. We had sex too much then not enough. I didn't do this  enough and I should  have done that more.  I didn't dress up enough but I dressed up for stupid things. I  wore too much  makeup or not enough.

I'm fucking sick of being treated like its my job to take care of these needy fucking bitch men. Its not fair to me. Who the hell  takes care of me? Fuck, I can't even take care of me, obviously my  bodys a fucking wreck, just like I am.

But its fine you know. I'll just sit back and take the blame for everything, just like always. Stupid silly girl. Sit back and take it like the bitch you are. Then smile like nothing is  wrong and pretend to care about everyone elses shit.

But god  forbid anyone take care of me. Its too much to fucking ask for someone to pay attention to me, give me a little time out of their day,  maybe ask how mine was but actually care.