A very black mood.

I'm at the doctors office for a pap smear. (Gross I know) I've been waiting in this tiny room for more than half an hour. Fuck.
And my anxiety is really bad. I'm freaking out. I'm about to leave.
I felt like shit this morning so I put on a perfume I don't normally wear and its triggering a bunch of old memories from when I used to wear it.
Speaking of triggering. I had a really really triggering dream last night.
And I'm fat.
And short.
When I get home, im gonna cut the shit out of my hips.
------

Home. Im actually on my laptop for the first time in weeks.
I didnt have a pap smear.

I lied already so much today.
"Do you smoke?"
"No."
"And how often do you drink?"
"Occasionally. Not much."
"What about abuse?"
"What do you mean? Like physically..?"
"Physically. Sexually. Emotionally."
"Nope, never."

The stupid lady almost gave me a heart attack. We were about done and then she pulled up my weight chart on the computer.
"One more thing we have to talk about." -insert heart stop-
"Your weight has been on a steady decline." -stops breathing-
"Which is good. A lower weight is always good."

You have no idea.