Love hate.

I love Lady gaga. So much.
Like really. I completely idolize her. She is just so amazing in every. Single. Way. God she's awesome.

Random? No.
Us Weekly has a special Lady Gaga edition out right now. Worth every penny. And it comes with 5 posters. = ] [Hah, im so lame :p] SO WORTH IT. She's so fucking hot. It's great thinspo I can hang up without being creepy.

backtrackinggggg

I was going to go tanning today, but its memorial day so they were closed. Ill go tomorrow. Then I have work, then idk if im doing anything after. I'm going to go talk to an old teacher of mine on weds and have her plan out my life for me. Hah

I went to the thrift store and got a bunch of books. Because im lame.

Anyway, it was pretty hot today. Now its raining.

I got off work two hours early and went and hookahed with jojo and our friend chris. Legit.
Then I went to walmart because I didnt wanna go home. I wandered for a bit and remembered I needed more facewash. I got the magazine there.

I also got diet pills.
Dont judge me.
I almost got laxxies. I knwo they don't do anything, but I feel the appeal anyway. I didnt get it before, but I do now. You just want everything OUT you know? like it doesnt matter if you still absorb everything and whatnot, as long as its OUT. and not just SITTING there.

Anyway, so I got hunger supressent type diet pills. I'll let you know how they work. if they do at all.
Sigh.

Imma go hang up posters now.  = ]
----

Also.
God damn it.
Suicide threads on PT make me feel so shitty.
I can't ignore it.
I dont have any idea what to say.
Fuck.

I'm terrible at giving advice or making people feel better.
Fuck.
------
Its one of those nights.
I cant sleep.
I cant stop thinking.

fuck fuck fuck.
I miss him so much.
Its been 5 and a half months.
Why do I still miss him so much?

I still love him more than anything and anyone. And as hard as I try to hate him, I just cant. not forever.
"And if the world were ending would you kiss me or just leave me?"
I miss everything about him.
I miss hugging him.
I miss the feel of his ribs against mine. His pelvis against mine.
His kisses, his laugh.
The dumb dumb way he dresses.
His stupid glasses.
His mood swings.
His stupid poofy hair.
His way of making me feel amazing. How every fear and worry and care I had would just dissolve.
How I would d anything for him, even recover.

Someone tagged a picture of him and his new gf on facebook. thats what started it.
I dont know. I dont know what to do.
This shouldnt be so fucking HARD. God damn it.

god.
fucking.
damn it.

I honestly dont know what im doing without him.
He was my best friend.
Im lost.
Im confused.
Im hurt.

I hurt. So goddamn much. still.
This is unbearable for me.

Does he think about me? Does he see something that reminds him of me?
Does he miss me? Does he second guess things? Does he regret what hes done?


This is us. At this point in our relationship, things were rocky, and I was trying as hard as I could to keep everything together.
This picture hurts. it stings. It tears at old ancient wounds.
You can see how im on my tiptoes, and how were both smiling. and how tight im holding on, like i never want to let go.
I feel old.

I dont want to let go. I want to hold on tight and cry into his shoulder and have me tell me he loves me and everything will be okay again.
I want everything to be okay again. 

God. I feel like shit.
I just feel terrible.
My food intake was at a reasonable level today. I didnt binge. I felt okay. Now? I feel terrible. I feel like th fattest thing in the world.

The thing that tore me the most? It wasn't him getting with my best friend after. It wasn't seeing all the things he wrote to her or their gaggy facebook convos.
It wasnt even the thought of him not being there to hold me anymore, but that was a big one. It wasnt him not being there anymore, or not having anyone to talk to about anything.

It was when he said to me, "I just don't love you like that anymore."

"I dont love you."

He doesnt love me.

Im alone.

UGH. God damn it.
just... fuck. No words.
Out of all the people who have made me feel like shit, this man tops it all. But I stilll love him. fuck fuck fuck.
Youre in deep shit, gurrrrrl.

Yeah. Im in this deep, all right.

I just feel lost and alone. I need somethig to anchor me here.

Im tired.
Im tired of being hurt and humiliated and fat and just gross.
I'm tired of being lost and alone.
Im just tired.

Maybe this is why I keep going with my ed.
I have to show him how fucked I am.
How lost and confused I am.
How much I need help. Not just from anyone. From him.

It's my way of crying for help I'll never get. Not from him. Not anymore.

Silent.