------
So much for that idea. It's 5 AM. I have to get ready for work in an hour and a half.
I'm on page 5/8 of my paper I'm working on. And I'm out of things to say.
God fucking damn it.
Great.
-------
That guy I told about my ED?
yep. Still doesn't understand. I'm trying to help but its just so hard.
he doesn't understand that I DON'T want to recover. Its so unbelievably frustrating. Hmm. I dont know. Oh well.
I told him my GW for next fall was 100 lbs. He freaked out.
I think it's really realistic. I mean, my ED came back almost exactly one year ago, and i'd lost 30 lbs by then sooo...
If I stop fucking up and do this right, if I make it to 130 by june 1, then I think I can do it.
I'M A FUCKING FUCK UP. FUCK.
STOP FUCKING SHIT UP, YOU BITCH.
That, and I'm hoping for a lot of fasts this summer. I really want to do a 28 day one. Maybe I'm just crazy and no one understands me oh well. I'm like a fasting fail. God, I suck at everything. Pishawww. At least a few week ones. Hm. I can make up enough excuses I think. My family doesnt care enough about me to notice anyway.
-------
hmmm.
lalalala.
I have 20 followers. I only hear from like, 2.
WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING? HI.
HI HI HI.
Have any of you ever told someone? TELL ME YOUR SECRETS
lalalaa.
--------
I should be writing my paper. Oh wellll. I dont even care.
It was 3 pages when I started 4 hours ago. I dont know what to write. It's dumb.
My schoolwork is slacking. Oh well. I don't even care that much.
--------
I'm sleepy.
Sooooo much coffee tomorrow. I think I'll try it mostly black. I deserve it. Sick. Bleck.
That, and if I don't drink it black, the amount of cals would be unacceptable.
I think I need another fast soon. I feel gross.
I'm sitting here in my undies because its so fucking hot in my room. Jesus.
But at the same times I'm freezing. Like, I'm burning up, I swear but my damn fingers and toes.
Maybe I should just put on some mittens and socks. And sit in my undies. With my crazy bruised self.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
That would be quite the sight. I'm ridiculous.
It's late. I'm getting loopy.
--------
But really. My legs look terrible. Not just because theyre fat [but mostly now that i think about it], but because of all the bruises. I'm pretty sure the ones on the back of my calves is from sitting purging. Hm. I dont know.
--------
Stupid paper, go away. Write yourself, you son of a whore.
--------
http://www.flickr.com/photos/smengvall/5547255600/
I need a photoshoot soon. I'm feeling really shitty about my photography soon.
Maybe I should do more "Hello My Name Is...?" Hmm. I'm almost out of cards.
And my creativity is like, zero. Haha.
---------
Why the hell am I still typing? [This and not my paper?]
Shit sonnn.
518 now. I'm just wasting time.
---------
Haha most of this doesnt make much sense. Sorry you wasted your time.
I miss PT. I havent been on like, at all today.
Wait.... just kidding. I posted some thinspo I think. Hmmm. My thinspo file is getting huge. I should clean it out. Haha.
-------
I keep coming back to this and adding more. damn it.
I lied. My paper is almost 6 pages. Almost. Maybe I'll just stop at 7 and say fuck it.
Hmmmmm...
------
I feel like even though I ate a safe amount, and purged, I still feel like I fucked up. I should fast tomorrow.
Hmmmm....
Actually....
That would be quite possible. Hm.
Sleep through dinner? I didnt sleep tonight....
Hmmmm.
Sounds like a plan.
We'll see what I can do.
---------
Also. I have a headache. And I can't see very well. Looking at all these tiny words for so long hurts my eyes. And my head.
And sidenote [I suppose all of these are side notes], my back hurts. Ugh.
I need a nap. Already.
-------
WAITTTTTT. Idk If I can sleep through dinner. It's tuesday. I go to the gym tuesday nights. Hmmmm.
I dont know. Maybe I'll just go everyday this week to make up for it. I feel flabby anyway.
Flabby is a gross word. Onomatopoeia. [FUCK YEAH BITCHES. I spelled that right on the first try. Man, I rock] Or is it alliteration? I dont know.
Whatever. Flabby is a word that sounds flabby. It's disgusting.
Flabby just reminds me of my thighs. Haha. THEYRE GROSS AND ALL STRETCH MARKY. I want to puke... Ugh. BLECK. Disgusting. I hate sitting. I hate that I got so fat.
Fuck recovery.
I'm not sure if I wear tights to cover up that I didnt shave my legs? or because theyre FLABBY? Or maybe it's just to hide the bruises. My hips are getting pretty gross looking. The left side is a lot worse than the right. How does THAT work? haha I dont even know. Maybe its because I'm right handed, so I feel like my left side gets neglected? I dont know.
Its five fucking thirty. What am I still doing? Shit son.
-----
550. In an hour I'll be going to work. I just spent the last 20 minutes looking up ways to make my paper longer. It's 6 pages now. Haha.
I'm so lame.
I'm also like, freezing now.
My legs are like ice.
Its not like I dont have anything to write about. I still have like, 4 questions I need to address. I just cant think of answers.
[cold] Compare the examples. Compare the times of the examples. How were they different/similar? Which was more active? How is this relevant? Did you follow through with an explanation? [Hot] Do you feel involved?
I took off my shirt. Then at least I'll be consistantly cold all over. Not switching between the two.
Yeppp. Tomorrow/today will suck.
555.
-----
God, I'm disgusting. A fast tomorrow? Yes please. That would be a 40+ hour fast. I dont want to do the math right now. But it wouldnt be bad.
---------
Well, fuck the paper. It's gonna have to be an incomplete essay thats only 6 pages. Because I know im not going to get much more done. It didn't really address anything it was supposed to. Its halty and disjunct. I'm cold. Gonna get dressed.
----
626. I should be waking up/ hitting snooze soon. I cant decide if this shirt makes me look fat or not. Idk. My arms look okay in it i guess. Hmmmm.
I'm sleepy. I'll probably sit in the Dining Center after my written communication class for a while before philosophy and just drink a bunch of coffee. So much coffee will be consumed today.
I'm going tanning after philosophy and then I'm gonna take a nap right after. If we end up going... If its raining and we have to walk we might not even go, despite how ridiculously white my legs are.
Its blinding. Really. You would go blind. I think I put a picture up on the "Drunken faces of PT" thread. Haha. I dont remember.
I'm tired. Idk if I will post more later today. This is pretty long, and I doubt anyone is still reading it. Haha. Oh wellll.
This is like a fucking novel.
----------
1145.
EVEN MORE. YAY. LUCKY YOU. Hah.
Work sucked. I had 4 cups of coffee. I feel nauseous. I'm all shaky. I have a fever.
The guy that was supposed to proof read my paper before class is eating lunch now at the time we were supposed to do it. If I fail this shit because of him, i'm gonna be so goddamn pissed.
I've got my My Chemical Romance on.
Alright paper. Lets fucking DO this.
-------
630. Ugh. I want to die.
I've had 6 cups of coffee.
I'm hot. I'm cold. I'm shaking.
I just want to dieeee. Ugh. My tummy hurts. = [
Had a small salad for dinner. I felt wayyyy to sick to fast. I grayed out in Philosophy. No one noticed. It was fine.
I napped for about half an hour.
Didn't go tanning because its snowing/hailing/raining/sleeting/thunderstorming. Its so strange.
Elle bitched at Jordan and I for grabbing Dane's hat our of Sams room. Which they stole. He was pissed. They wouldnt give it back. I bitched at her and wanted to punch her in the face. FUCK YOU.
Now she expects everyone to go to this singing competition shes in because everything is about fucking her.
I WANT TO DIE. Fuckkkkk. I'm so fucking tired and cranky.
Props to you if you read all of this. Hah.
--------
9 PM.
BED TIME. FINALLYYYYY.
My head hurts. I feel like I'm going to barf. I'm dizzy and I cant stop shaking. It's getting bad. I need sleep. I have a cold sweat thing going. Its terrible.
I would have purged, but I think if I did, I would have passed out. Which could lead to drowning and such... Bad idea. I just need sleepppp.
It's never sounded so amazing.
Ugh. I feel so nauseous. And shakkky. It's hard to type. Or hold anything. or lift anything. Or do anything.
Sleeeeepppp
---------
Also. I have a headache. And I can't see very well. Looking at all these tiny words for so long hurts my eyes. And my head.
And sidenote [I suppose all of these are side notes], my back hurts. Ugh.
I need a nap. Already.
-------
WAITTTTTT. Idk If I can sleep through dinner. It's tuesday. I go to the gym tuesday nights. Hmmmm.
I dont know. Maybe I'll just go everyday this week to make up for it. I feel flabby anyway.
Flabby is a gross word. Onomatopoeia. [FUCK YEAH BITCHES. I spelled that right on the first try. Man, I rock] Or is it alliteration? I dont know.
Whatever. Flabby is a word that sounds flabby. It's disgusting.
Flabby just reminds me of my thighs. Haha. THEYRE GROSS AND ALL STRETCH MARKY. I want to puke... Ugh. BLECK. Disgusting. I hate sitting. I hate that I got so fat.
Fuck recovery.
I'm not sure if I wear tights to cover up that I didnt shave my legs? or because theyre FLABBY? Or maybe it's just to hide the bruises. My hips are getting pretty gross looking. The left side is a lot worse than the right. How does THAT work? haha I dont even know. Maybe its because I'm right handed, so I feel like my left side gets neglected? I dont know.
Its five fucking thirty. What am I still doing? Shit son.
-----
550. In an hour I'll be going to work. I just spent the last 20 minutes looking up ways to make my paper longer. It's 6 pages now. Haha.
I'm so lame.
I'm also like, freezing now.
My legs are like ice.
Its not like I dont have anything to write about. I still have like, 4 questions I need to address. I just cant think of answers.
[cold] Compare the examples. Compare the times of the examples. How were they different/similar? Which was more active? How is this relevant? Did you follow through with an explanation? [Hot] Do you feel involved?
I took off my shirt. Then at least I'll be consistantly cold all over. Not switching between the two.
Yeppp. Tomorrow/today will suck.
555.
-----
God, I'm disgusting. A fast tomorrow? Yes please. That would be a 40+ hour fast. I dont want to do the math right now. But it wouldnt be bad.
---------
Well, fuck the paper. It's gonna have to be an incomplete essay thats only 6 pages. Because I know im not going to get much more done. It didn't really address anything it was supposed to. Its halty and disjunct. I'm cold. Gonna get dressed.
----
626. I should be waking up/ hitting snooze soon. I cant decide if this shirt makes me look fat or not. Idk. My arms look okay in it i guess. Hmmmm.
I'm sleepy. I'll probably sit in the Dining Center after my written communication class for a while before philosophy and just drink a bunch of coffee. So much coffee will be consumed today.
I'm going tanning after philosophy and then I'm gonna take a nap right after. If we end up going... If its raining and we have to walk we might not even go, despite how ridiculously white my legs are.
Its blinding. Really. You would go blind. I think I put a picture up on the "Drunken faces of PT" thread. Haha. I dont remember.
I'm tired. Idk if I will post more later today. This is pretty long, and I doubt anyone is still reading it. Haha. Oh wellll.
This is like a fucking novel.
----------
1145.
EVEN MORE. YAY. LUCKY YOU. Hah.
Work sucked. I had 4 cups of coffee. I feel nauseous. I'm all shaky. I have a fever.
The guy that was supposed to proof read my paper before class is eating lunch now at the time we were supposed to do it. If I fail this shit because of him, i'm gonna be so goddamn pissed.
I've got my My Chemical Romance on.
Alright paper. Lets fucking DO this.
-------
630. Ugh. I want to die.
I've had 6 cups of coffee.
I'm hot. I'm cold. I'm shaking.
I just want to dieeee. Ugh. My tummy hurts. = [
Had a small salad for dinner. I felt wayyyy to sick to fast. I grayed out in Philosophy. No one noticed. It was fine.
I napped for about half an hour.
Didn't go tanning because its snowing/hailing/raining/sleeting/thunderstorming. Its so strange.
Elle bitched at Jordan and I for grabbing Dane's hat our of Sams room. Which they stole. He was pissed. They wouldnt give it back. I bitched at her and wanted to punch her in the face. FUCK YOU.
Now she expects everyone to go to this singing competition shes in because everything is about fucking her.
I WANT TO DIE. Fuckkkkk. I'm so fucking tired and cranky.
Props to you if you read all of this. Hah.
--------
9 PM.
BED TIME. FINALLYYYYY.
My head hurts. I feel like I'm going to barf. I'm dizzy and I cant stop shaking. It's getting bad. I need sleep. I have a cold sweat thing going. Its terrible.
I would have purged, but I think if I did, I would have passed out. Which could lead to drowning and such... Bad idea. I just need sleepppp.
It's never sounded so amazing.
Ugh. I feel so nauseous. And shakkky. It's hard to type. Or hold anything. or lift anything. Or do anything.
Sleeeeepppp
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