TWO Posts today?!

I have no class, and no life. Hah.
I keep adding to these. They're never really done until I go to bed for the night, if you haven't noticed.

Anywayyyy. B/P already. It's 12:45. 

Weight this morning: 145.0

After binge: 148.6

After purge: 146.0

Could have been worse. 

I was binging and I saw someone I knew walk in and I just kind of froze. I thought, "he can't see me like this," and almost RAN out of there. It was strange. 

My eyes hurt. 

I think I'm gonna take a nap, then watch Girl, Interrupted, only my favorite movie EVER. 

"Have you ever confused a dream with life?"

"I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. And how you hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing on the inside." 

"It's not FAIR! It's not fucking fair! It's not FAIR. 74 is the perfect weight." 

Actually, I have this book, too. I think I'll read that as well. Then download some music. 

Hm. 

Oh. I was at work, and I dropped a WHOLE CAKE.
It was terrible and unbelievably embarrassing. There was a huge line of people and the all saw it. 

SPLAT. Face down. On the ground. 

Humiliating. I'm so clumsy... Gah.

Why do I even bother posting? I just keepp adding to them until like, 2 in the morning anyway. Hm.

Anyway, if you loved the movie, Girl Interrupted, the book is just as good. It includes more and leaves out some. It's the same and different.

"Twenty aspirin, a little slit alongside the veins of the arm, maybe even a bad half hour standing on the roof: We've all had those."
""Seventy-eight is the perfect weight," said Janet. She'd said the same about eighty-three and seventy nine, though..."
"The meat was bruised, bleeding, and imprisoned in a tight wrapping. And... so was I."
"They are idiot mantras that exist in a prearranged cycle: i'm no good, I'm the Angel of Death, I'm stupid, I can't do anything. Thinking the first thought triggers the whole circuit...   Once, these thoughts must have had a meaning. They must have meant what they said. But repetition has blunted them. They have become background music, a Muzak medley of self-hatred themes."
------
7:32.
Binged. 148.6 [Again? EXACTLY the same? Strange.]
Purged. 145.8.
Good good.

7 day fast starts in 2 days, so I may as well get my binging out of the way now.

I think I'll take another nap.
------
9:39.
Nap didn't work. I might just go to bed early tonight. [Early being like, 12 probably. Hah]
I'm thristy. My hips hurt. I have a headache.
Complaincomplaincomplain.

Hm. Bed soon? we'll see.
---------
ARGH RANT TIME.
There are JUST A FEW members on PT that PISS. ME. OFF.
Argh. Like, really? Just who the FUCK do you think you are?
Fuck you.
Fuck off. 

Philosophical blah blah.

If you switch the letters of "fast" around you get fats. Coincidence? I don't think so. It just tells you not to FUCK up.

Have you noticed hunger takes on certain stages?
1. Yeah, that sounds good, I could eat it.
2. Oh man, I'm hungry. My tummy-box is so grumbly!
3. Fuck I feel like I'm gonna puke.
4. Headaches.
5. EVERYTHING SOUNDS SO GOOD. I WANT TO EAT EVERYTHING EVER.
6. Everything STILL sounds so good, but I know I wouldn't actually eat it and lose control.
7. Empty. Perfect.

Has anyone else noticed this? Or just me?

I don't have class tomorrow. I still have to get up for work though at 630.


LEGIT ACTUAL PHILOSOPHY.
Bonhoeffer:
"The air that we breathe is so polluted by mistrust that it almost chokes us."
"No one is responsible for all the injustice and suffering in the world."
"It is infinitely easier to suffer with others than to suffer alone."


Feminist heartbroken philosophy from one of my favorites, Simone de Beauvoir, and her The Second Sex.
"Even in Russia, women still are women."
"They [women] have no past, no history, no religion of their own."
"Women are not in the wrong when they decline to accept the rules laid down for them, since the men make these rules without consulting them."
"The most sympathetic of men never fully comprehend women's concrete situation."

"The word love has by no means the same sense for both sexes... Man's love is of man's life a thing apart; 'Tis woman's whole existence."
"Even on their knees before a mistress, what they still want is to take possession of her."
"For woman, on the contrary, love is to relinquish everything for the benefit of the master... She will humble herself to nothingness before him. Love becomes for her like a religion..."
"Most women dream of a grand-amour, a soul-searing love."
"They will not yield to a man unless they believe they are deeply loved."

"A woman must have a considerable amount of cynicism, indifference, or pride to regard physical relations as an exchange of pleasure by which each partner benefits equally."
"... It is woman who generally feels that her partner is using her as an instrument. Nothing but high admiration can compensate for the humiliation of an act that she considers a defeat."

"She is seldom wholly satisfied even if she has felt the orgasm, she is not set completely free of the spell of her flesh; her desire continues in the form of affection. In giving her pleasure, the man increases her attachment, he does not liberate her. As for him, he no longer desires her..."
"The center of the world is no longer the place where she is, but that occupied by her lover."
""I am Heathcliffe," says Catherine in Wuthering Heights; that is the cry of every woman in love; she is another incarnation of her loved one, his reflection, his double: she is he. She lets her own world collapse in contingence, for she really lives in his."

"He isn't worth all that love." 
"It is a searing disappointment to the woman to discover the faults, the mediocrity of her idol."
"If he is no longer adored, he must be trampled on."

"In a state of uncertainty, every woman is a rival, a danger. Love destroys the possibility of friendship with other women because the woman in love is shut off in her lover's universe; jealousy increases her isolation..."

"And so, instead of the union sought for, the woman in love knows the most bitter solitude there is."

"... love represents in its most touching form the curse that lies heavily upon woman confined in the feminine universe, woman mutilated, insufficient unto herself."

Nietzsche's The Gay Science.
"[Women's love] is not only devotion, it is a total gift of body and soul, without reservation, without regard for anything whatsoever."
"As for man, if he loves a woman, what he wants is that love from her."

Ecce Homo:
"The perfect woman tears to pieces when she loves."

Soren Kierkegaard's Works of Love:
"Hate is a love which has become its opposite, a ruined love."
"I wonder if a heart torn asunder is stronger than a whole, undivided heart."
"If one were to say, "Either love or die," and thereby signify that life without loving is not worth living, we should say he is absolutely right." 

God damn it.

I'm just so fucking mad.
My internet connection won't work. It works everywhere EXCEPT my dorm hall, and EVERYONE ELSE'S WORKS JUST FUCKING FINE.

Goddamnonofabitchfuckingpieceofshitcuntasswhore.
Fuck.
And Ive been to our tech center 8 times. Literally. Nope.
So I have to use this long cable thigggy that connects to a different network and such and blah. There isnt anything they can do, so I just have to use this huge, bulky vestigial [but not really] piece of shit.

I'm just cranky. At least it works.
And the guy that helped me the first couple of times was really cute. The second one was okay. The third one not so much. And not the last one.

Anyway.
I think I'm gonna go for a 7 day fast next week.
Start Sunday/maybe Saturday. I might be able to sleep through lunch on sunday, then I can use band as an excuse for dinner.
Then Monday I'm "meeting with a classmate to give them details on the class they missed."
Sleeping through dinner on Tuesday.
Dinner with a friend on Weds.
Sleeping thursday.
And then I still need an excuse for friday. I'm thinking I'll be going out to dinner with some clubbies.
Then Saturday I start the 30 hour famine, so that takes care of Saturday/Sunday.

Woo.
145.8 this morning. BLAH.

Had 2 glasses of chocolate soy milk so far. 350 cals[ max, better safe than sorry.]
-------
5:51

Ate. I'm going to go purge. Then I'll probably take a nap.

Remind me to tell you about goddamnfucking elle. Bitch please.
I'l be back laterrr
--------
9:14.

My roommate does this thing where she calls/receives calls on her top bunk while I'm sleeping on my bottom bunk.
Its really annoying. Anyway. Up from my nap.
I didn't purge enough.

I feel MASSIVE. I don't even want to put my weight up right now, and I'm hoping It's mostly liquids I didn't purge.

At dinner, Elle kept looking at my plate. It's not like I had a gross amount of food. It was the same amount of stuff on her plate. [And hers was full of SUPER high cal stuff, PLUS she went back to get a CUP FULL of ice cream, which she then added orange juice too]
She kept peeking over, then she texted my roommate and said to go walk up with her to get dessert.

She was talking about me. Obviously. [Or maybe I'm just being paranoid]
What the FUCK did she have to say that she couldn't say while I was there?
Fucking bitch. God damn it.
Then I went and purged.
She makes me more angry every day.
----------
11:40

Baked lays. fuck my life.
Jordan is bringing them up in an hour.
I wont be able to resist, and I know it.
Fuck.

That 7 day fast is DEFINITELY going to happen.
No exceptions.
-------
1 AM
Just kidding. He never came back.

Which is both good and bad.
Right now I want them sooo fucking bad, I'm pissed.
BUT.
I know that tomorrow, when I have rational thinking back, I'll be glad.

So it's for the best.

I want to eat everything ever right now. I just posted a ton of food porn on PT. Haha
More more more!
Ladies and gents, I'll be there all night.
[Probably not though.]

I have a lot to say today.

And not a lot at the same time.
I'm quite upset, but I have a paper to finish.
BULLET POINTS to I dont forget. Haha.
I wanted to fast today, but thats not going to be possible.
The cute guy I work with is deff NOT going to work out with me. Hah.
The new girlfriend and Prom.
I have a lot of work to do.
Hurt.

More later, as always.
------
Done with paper, but I have to get ready for class soon.

There's this cute guy I work with, and I was kinda hesitant because I thought he might be gay, lol. [He isnt] He's very nice, btu today he said something that made me sure things would NEVER work out. He said, "I love my country, and Fox news."
Fuck that. Haha. And he said that men weren't meant to be gay, and when they drink they revert to their natural state and like women.
Nope.

I wanted to fast today, and I had it all planned, out, but It's not going to be possible because, A) My favorite soup is there today [It's low cal and spicy and delicious. It's basically cabbage soup. Hah] and B) I signed up for a vegetarian cooking class tonight. So much for fasting. Oh well.
BUT. This means I'm goign to have to purge tonight, and I'm a bit hesitant after last time... Oh well. It needs to be done. Especially since I'll have NO IDEA about the cals in everything. I just don't have enough time.
Also, this morning a guy I didn't know started debate with me on atheism. Sigh.

That bitch is coming to my prom. She's also staying with her bf/my ex in his room all weekend.
Gross. Ick. Blahhhhhh
I'm gonna claw her fucking eyes out I swear.

I'm just really upset with her in general. I mean, we used to be BEST FRIENDS. At least I thought so. We have known each other since 2nd grade. Both of our parents are divorced, and we both self harm, went through bad breakups, and went through anorexia/bulimia.

Like, we would be at a party and guard the bathroom door for each other while the other one purged.
And we'd "go out to eat" and just sit there with our diet cokes and talk about how many calories everything had.

I dont know. I'm just upset.
She told my then boyfriend/now ex that I just wanted to go vegan so I'd have an excuse to eat less.
True, but besides the point.

She also told him that I wanted to be 130 lbs, which was less than her [She's pretty tall].
Wrong, I want to be even less than that. I want to be 130 by JUNE. [146.0 this morning, btw]
She said I could never weigh that less, and it doesnt fit my body type.
Well, fuck you. I can do it, watch me.

She told him that I was a bitch and he deserved better.
After all the shit he put me through, REALLY? Fuck.

So.
She will be here not this friday, but next.
138 by then?
Mhmmm.
I BETTER be.
I want her to be jealous. I want HER to be that fat one.

I have more to say, but I have to go now. More later.
-------
10:50

Ate way to much. Purged. I didnt see any blood, but I thought I might have tasted a little at first. It was probably just paranoia though. I did gray out a bit, but it passes quickly.

Took a nap.
Woke Up ridiculously thirsty. Drank a low cal gatorade.

I haven't weighted myself because my roommate has been in the room, but she isnt anymore so I might go do that.

I have so much to get done.
I want to be 138 by the time that bitch gets here.
8 lbs in two weeks.
I think Know I can do it.

I forgot I have an archaeology test tomorrow.
My laptop won't connect to the internet.

My ex got his haircut.
It looks dumb.

But it also looks like how his hair was when I first met/fell in love with him.

I shouldnt still hurt so much. It was months ago.
I shouldnt.

I'm done being the hurt one.
I'm sick of it.
Never again.

My hips hurt.

So I chose to wear the pants that rub against them the most.
That is all.

Also. 147 this morning. It could be worse.

I'm tired.
Control starts again today, but even stricter.

One more thing. Supersize vs. Superskinny has me hooked. Haha My roommie was watching it with me and I made everything sound completely normal. She thought it was really interesting, too.
It's soooo good. = ]
-----

So much for fucking control.
I'm pathetic and weak.

Also, I'm starting a forbidden list.
Besides non-vegan things this list is starting out with:
Non diet soda
Cereal
Oreos
and chips [with the exception of Baked lays. Im not ready for that yet.]

I'll add another every week I think.

I'm off to go purge.
------
7 PM

Another first.

I just purged blood.

I'm not too worried, I pretty sure its just a scratch. But it was definitely blood. I should be scared.
I'm just tried.
So tired. And shaking.

I'm going to take a nap.
146.6
-----
11:41 PM.
I just had a packet of Ramen Noodles, uncooked, with no seasoning.
Still about 380 cals.
FUCK.
ARGHFDKJSLGHR
I feel like puking. Again.

I have a paper I have to write. I'm running out of ways to procrastinate. lol

I feel disgusting and pathetic and just ugh.
I want to cry.
I'm so weak. So pathetic. And most of all, fat.

This is NOT okay.

Shameless advertising.

First things first 

I had a threesome last night. It was hot. I'm turning into a whore and I dont even care. 

WORTH IT. This guy had the biggest dick I've had yet. Haha. And the other chick was fricken INSANE. Hot.

Did a photoshoot today. I'm a terrible model, so I have no idea how it went. I really want to take my camera out now, though. Hah. 

Fasted today. 

SPEAKING OF FASTING. 

Nothing puts me off eating like world hunger. 

Seriously. That's probably part of the reason my anorexia side got so bad. 

I think, "why eat when there are CHILDREN starving?" It makes me sick. Honestly. My stomach twists up and I just want to yell at everyone I see eating. 

So. There is a group called World Vision. They have a program called the 30 Hour Famine. You don't eat for 30 hours to raise awareness and money for starving children. 

30 Hours seems a little ridiculous to me. I fast that much every week. Hah. Simple. Easy. Which is why it's strange to see all these people whining about how hard it is, and how dangerous and such. 

-shrugs-

ANYWAY. By donating just ONE dollar, you can help feed a child for a whole day. 

You can't even buy a Diet coke with that. 

Help out? = ]

http://support.worldvision.org/site/TR/30HourFamine/30HourFamine?px=1161839&pg=personal&fr_id=1310

I sound like an alcoholic.

Jeeze. Oh well.
I drank again last night [and going to tonight, too]. It's college. What can I say? Haha
Anywayyy. I had a blast. Everything was the funniest thing in the world.

But... I ate WAY too much. And I don't even remember eating. I just thought, "Well, I already fucked up today. Fuck it."

147 this morning. UGHHHH
Bruised some more.
Slept through lunch.

I'm off to go cleannn.
-------------
5:30
I just talked to my grandmother on facebook. She said something about how she was talking to a coworker, Cindy, and Cindy said she talked to me at the Swing Dance a few weeks ago [true] and she didn't recognize me at first, because of how much weight ive lost. Then my grandmother said "She said you looked really good..."
Uh-oh. DIVERSION. I asked her about quilting. Haha
----------
8:03.
Binged. Purged. Done.
My eyes hurt. I'm tired. My head hurts. I'm afraid I'm getting dehydrated. I just feel like shit.
------
11:05
This might be the first night Ive puked from drinking.
Might be for the best. Especially after how much Ive eaten.
Maybe puking Peanut butter after drinking isnt as bad as self inducing it.

Binge. Purge. Repeat.

Woke up this morning. [Had some cereal Haha FRIDAY.] 144.6 lbs.
Before dinner: 145.0
Ate dinner/binged. 148.6
Shower/ Purged. 145.2.
I can handle that I think.

Everyone is going to some concert thing tonight. I'm not. I don't want to. I think I'll take a nap.
First, I have to get booze out of my roomies car. Gettin' CRUNKKK tonight.
G isn't going. Blahhh. I texted him. Humiliating. bahhh
I'm done. I give up on trying.

I binged on way too much tonight. Ugh. I'm not even going to list it or ATTEMPT to count it. Nope.
I'm fat and disgusting. Bleck.

I'm pretty confident that my best friend knows. He knows Ive had problems before, and I think he suspects again.
He pushed that energy bar on me last night. Today, he gave me breaded mushrooms. FUCK.

I need to get really drunk tonight. No boundries. Hah.

Hungry/Boys Boys Boys/Whine.

My room smells like the yummiest noodles in the world, and I have a bag of rice cakes right next to me.
I want them sooooo bad.

I can do this. I can resist.
Strong, empty, perfect.
------
I'm going clubbing on friday, so maybe I can get some of my whoreish makeout/grind on.
Thennn... Someones roomie is going home for the weekend, so PARTYIN PARTYIN YEAH.
And hopefull we can get G/Jockomo to come. :D
I WOULD BE SO HAPPY.
AND I WOULD TOTALLY TAP THAT.
But really. It's been too long since I've had any sexual relations [With men. There was that woman I talked about last month].  And I've defffff known this guy long enough to give him a beeje [Blow job]. I totally would, and I want to very much. = ]
I HOPE HE COMES. :DDDD
Also. I just made another two bracelets. Thats 5 total. Another 2 more maybe? Not tonight though.
------
Noon.
I'm so hungry. My head hurts. I have cramps. I feel like I'm gonna puke.
I can't eat. I can't do it.
I weighed 145.0 this morning.
------
2:45.
My first class sucked. Waste of time, and I hate it so much. Today was one of those days where I just wanted to say "fuck this" and walk out. I wanted to argue with EVERYTHING my teacher said, regardless of whether or not it was true.
I'm cranky.
I'm hungry. After my first class, I pretty much ran out of there because I felt like shit.
So I went down to our dining center and head 2 glasses of chocolate soy milk. 300 cals. On top of the juice I had this morning.
So I havent even eaten and I've had like, 450 [max?] calories.
FUCK.
And my second class was cancelled, so I could have just gone home instead of drinking like a cow.


Oh. And I just go an email saying I didnt get the student manager position I was interviewed for.
If my ex did, and I didnt...
ASS WILL BE KICKED.
-----
6:41.
I cant decide if I should purge or not. I had another salad for dinner, but I also DRANK a lot of cals today, and had more hummus on my salad than normal. Hm.
I PROBABLY should, actually. Hm. I think I will after I'm done ranting here.

I'm fat and unattractive and no one wants me.
G doesn't want me, of course. He STILL hasn't talked to me. Nothing. I really want to hang out with him this weekend, but I'm really afraid that I'm going to come off as needy. ARGHHHH I hate texting people first. And just texting in general. Why not just talk to me? Fuck.

I'm fat and gross. Fatty fatty gross-o. Ick. Purge. Mhmmm. It's for the best.
Then maybe I can be the pretty girl he deserves.
-------
7:35.
I didn't purge, like, anything. Nothing would come up. Just acid, which I HATE purging. Ugh.
I can't even do this right.
And I just found out I have a 4 page research paper due tomorrow. Fuck. I should get started.
-----
9:05.
I want a sandwich.
Fucking paper.
------
10:12.
i just had a rice cake. 80 more cals to my already shit day.
I know it sounds pathetic, but i want to cry.
then eat the rest of the bag.
I'm so goddam weak and fat and pathetic and sad.
And mostly weak.
----
I need to plan a binge/purge. Monday would work, but tomorrow would be preferable. We'll see, I guess.
-----
10:30
Fucking binged.
salad: 200
rice cakes (4): 320
with 2 tbs of peanut butter: 190
soy milk: 300
total: approx 1010.

I'm so fucking pissed at myself right now. And that peanut butter sucked balls.

I want to cry.
-----
11:47.
I literally just cried.
I'm so fucking tired of everything.
I'm just so tired.
------
My friend just pushed a 200 cal energy bar on me. 1210.
Fuck this shit.

Sleepy.

Sorry that last one was so long. I just kept adding to it.
I took some asprin for my headache at like, 1245 last night. Then I realized, oh shit, I havent eaten in 8 hours. I'll probably puke. So I ate a rice cake [80] and some chips I shared with my roomie. [200 max]
Back to sleep.
I woke up again at about 7 AM and I just wanted to die. My tummy hurt so bad. Ugh. I ended up falling back asleep sitting up in my bed corner, curled into a ball. Hah.
I slept for 12-13 hours, but Im still just sooo tired.
I had wanted the whole bag of a rice cake this morning before class [80 cals] to try to stop my nauseous shaking. I feel tired and dizzy and shaky.
I NEED to go to the gym today. Probably after dinner.

Oh. Also. I stepped on the scale after my rice cake.
146.8. I didn't believe it. Literally. I weighed myself 5 times. Literally 5 times in a row. Same thing every time.
Hm.

-------
I ate my salad. 200 cals max. So a total of under 300 today. Acceptable.
But eating didnt change anything. I still feel dizzy and nauseous.
Going to work out at 8. I hope I can get enough shit done and not pass out. That would be awesome.
We'll see.
----------

My new PT profile picture. Haha I thought it was cute. I just get so paranoid with people I don't know.
So here is proof that I am me.
---------
Burned 200 at the gym before I had to stop.
UGH. I'M SO PATHETIC.
Now, I know I could do more.
Even though I don't know if I could without passing out
God, I suck. I took a shower and thought about every physical thing I hated about my body. Ugh.
Why did I stop cutting again?

Oh yeahhhhh. My family. Damn it. If they saw, I dont even know what it would do to them.
My brother might turn out fucked up. He's only 8. He learns by example.
My younger sister would probably start.
My older sister would probably stop eating.
She passed out at school earlier this year because she hadnt eaten in a few days. What did I do? I covered up for her. I consoled my mom and told her I highly doubted it was an ED. I still am not sure why I did that.

Why do I do anything? I don't know.
I don't want to be the one my family looks up to.
I dont want to be the perfect one. The skinniest one. The one with the best grade and the most friends.
Fuck this.
I dont want it.

No sleep for me. [Sorry for the profanity]

Author's note: There is no point to all of this. Its all just very VERY long, very pointless rambling. It doesnt make much sense.
------
So much for that idea. It's 5 AM. I have to get ready for work in an hour and a half.
I'm on page 5/8 of my paper I'm working on. And I'm out of things to say.

God fucking damn it. Tomorrow Today is going to be a pissy day for me.
Great.
-------
That guy I told about my ED?
yep. Still doesn't understand. I'm trying to help but its just so hard.
he doesn't understand that I DON'T want to recover. Its so unbelievably frustrating. Hmm. I dont know. Oh well.
I told him my GW for next fall was 100 lbs. He freaked out.
I think it's really realistic. I mean, my ED came back almost exactly one year ago, and i'd lost 30 lbs by then sooo...
If I stop fucking up and do this right, if I make it to 130 by june 1, then I think I can do it.
I'M A FUCKING FUCK UP. FUCK.
STOP FUCKING SHIT UP, YOU BITCH.
That, and I'm hoping for a lot of fasts this summer. I really want to do a 28 day one. Maybe I'm just crazy and no one understands me oh well. I'm like a fasting fail. God, I suck at everything. Pishawww. At least a few week ones. Hm. I can make up enough excuses I think. My family doesnt care enough about me to notice anyway.
-------
hmmm.
lalalala.

I have 20 followers. I only hear from like, 2.
WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING? HI.
HI HI HI.
Have any of you ever told someone? TELL ME YOUR SECRETS
lalalaa.
--------
I should be writing my paper. Oh wellll. I dont even care.
It was 3 pages when I started 4 hours ago. I dont know what to write. It's dumb.
My schoolwork is slacking. Oh well. I don't even care that much.

--------

I'm sleepy.
Sooooo much coffee tomorrow. I think I'll try it mostly black. I deserve it. Sick. Bleck.
That, and if I don't drink it black, the amount of cals would be unacceptable.

I think I need another fast soon. I feel gross.
I'm sitting here in my undies because its so fucking hot in my room. Jesus.
But at the same times I'm freezing. Like, I'm burning up, I swear but my damn fingers and toes.

Maybe I should just put on some mittens and socks. And sit in my undies. With my crazy bruised self.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
That would be quite the sight. I'm ridiculous.
It's late. I'm getting loopy.
--------
But really. My legs look terrible. Not just because theyre fat [but mostly now that i think about it], but because of all the bruises. I'm pretty sure the ones on the back of my calves is from sitting purging. Hm. I dont know.
--------
Stupid paper, go away. Write yourself, you son of a whore.
--------

http://www.flickr.com/photos/smengvall/5547255600/

I need a photoshoot soon. I'm feeling really shitty about my photography soon.
Maybe I should do more "Hello My Name Is...?" Hmm. I'm almost out of cards.
And my creativity is like, zero. Haha.
---------
Why the hell am I still typing? [This and not my paper?]
Shit sonnn.
518 now. I'm just wasting time.
---------
Haha most of this doesnt make much sense. Sorry you wasted your time.
I miss PT. I havent been on like, at all today.
Wait.... just kidding. I posted some thinspo I think. Hmmm. My thinspo file is getting huge. I should clean it out. Haha.
-------
I keep coming back to this and adding more. damn it.
I lied. My paper is almost 6 pages. Almost. Maybe I'll just stop at 7 and say fuck it.
Hmmmmm...
------
I feel like even though I ate a safe amount, and purged, I still feel like I fucked up. I should fast tomorrow.

Hmmmm.... 

Actually....

That would be quite possible. Hm. 

Sleep through dinner? I didnt sleep tonight.... 

Hmmmm. 

Sounds like a plan. 

We'll see what I can do.

---------
Also. I have a headache. And I can't see very well. Looking at all these tiny words for so long hurts my eyes. And my head.
And sidenote [I suppose all of these are side notes], my back hurts. Ugh.
I need a nap. Already.

-------
WAITTTTTT. Idk If I can sleep through dinner. It's tuesday. I go to the gym tuesday nights. Hmmmm.
I dont know. Maybe I'll just go everyday this week to make up for it. I feel flabby anyway.

Flabby is a gross word. Onomatopoeia. [FUCK YEAH BITCHES. I spelled that right on the first try. Man, I rock] Or is it alliteration? I dont know.
Whatever. Flabby is a word that sounds flabby. It's disgusting.
Flabby just reminds me of my thighs. Haha. THEYRE GROSS AND ALL STRETCH MARKY. I want to puke... Ugh. BLECK. Disgusting. I hate sitting. I hate that I got so fat.
Fuck recovery.

I'm not sure if I wear tights to cover up that I didnt shave my legs? or because theyre FLABBY? Or maybe it's just to hide the bruises. My hips are getting pretty gross looking. The left side is a lot worse than the right. How does THAT work? haha I dont even know. Maybe its because I'm right handed, so I feel like my left side gets neglected? I dont know.

Its five fucking thirty. What am I still doing? Shit son.
-----
550. In an hour I'll be going to work. I just spent the last 20 minutes looking up ways to make my paper longer. It's 6 pages now. Haha.
I'm so lame.
I'm also like, freezing now.
My legs are like ice.

Its not like I dont have anything to write about. I still have like, 4 questions I need to address. I just cant think of answers.
[cold] Compare the examples. Compare the times of the examples. How were they different/similar? Which was more active? How is this relevant? Did you follow through with an explanation? [Hot] Do you feel involved?
I took off my shirt. Then at least I'll be consistantly cold all over. Not switching between the two.

Yeppp. Tomorrow/today will suck.
555.
-----

God, I'm disgusting. A fast tomorrow? Yes please. That would be a 40+ hour fast. I dont want to do the math right now. But it wouldnt be bad.

---------
Well, fuck the paper. It's gonna have to be an incomplete essay thats only 6 pages. Because I know im not going to get much more done. It didn't really address anything it was supposed to. Its halty and disjunct. I'm cold. Gonna get dressed.
----
626. I should be waking up/ hitting snooze soon. I cant decide if this shirt makes me look fat or not. Idk. My arms look okay in it i guess. Hmmmm.
I'm sleepy. I'll probably sit in the Dining Center after my written communication class for a while before philosophy and just drink a bunch of coffee. So much coffee will be consumed today.
I'm going tanning after philosophy and then I'm gonna take a nap right after. If we end up going... If its raining and we have to walk we might not even go, despite how ridiculously white my legs are.

Its blinding. Really. You would go blind. I think I put a picture up on the "Drunken faces of PT" thread. Haha. I dont remember.

I'm tired. Idk if I will post more later today. This is pretty long, and I doubt anyone is still reading it. Haha. Oh wellll.
This is like a fucking novel.
----------
1145.
EVEN MORE. YAY. LUCKY YOU. Hah.
Work sucked. I had 4 cups of coffee. I feel nauseous. I'm all shaky. I have a fever.
The guy that was supposed to proof read my paper before class is eating lunch now at the time we were supposed to do it. If I fail this shit because of him, i'm gonna be so goddamn pissed.

I've got my My Chemical Romance on.
Alright paper. Lets fucking DO this.

-------
630. Ugh. I want to die.
I've had 6 cups of coffee.
I'm hot. I'm cold. I'm shaking.
I just want to dieeee. Ugh. My tummy hurts. = [
Had a small salad for dinner. I felt wayyyy to sick to fast. I grayed out in Philosophy. No one noticed. It was fine.
I napped for about half an hour.
Didn't go tanning because its snowing/hailing/raining/sleeting/thunderstorming. Its so strange.
Elle bitched at Jordan and I for grabbing Dane's hat our of Sams room. Which they stole. He was pissed. They wouldnt give it back. I bitched at her and wanted to punch her in the face. FUCK YOU.
Now she expects everyone to go to this singing competition shes in because everything is about fucking her.
I WANT TO DIE. Fuckkkkk. I'm so fucking tired and cranky.

Props to you if you read all of this. Hah.
--------
9 PM.
BED TIME. FINALLYYYYY.
My head hurts. I feel like I'm going to barf. I'm dizzy and I cant stop shaking. It's getting bad. I need sleep. I have a cold sweat thing going. Its terrible.
I would have purged,  but I think if I did, I would have passed out. Which could lead to drowning and such... Bad idea. I just need sleepppp.
It's never sounded so amazing.
Ugh. I feel so nauseous. And shakkky. It's hard to type. Or hold anything. or lift anything. Or do anything.
Sleeeeepppp

Blahdy blah

I finally weighed myself. I was so afraid it wasn't even funny. 

148.6. 

WHAT THE HELL?
I'm so confused. I feel like, 158. Ugh. 

I'm sooo goddamn disgusting. 

Ate a salad for dinner last night and tonight. 

My friend also forced a slice of tofurky on me tonight. 

Purged. 

Drained. [Triggering LilyZara! With some thinspo]

LILY! STOP! I want you to recover, and I'm afraid this might hinder your progress. Go away. Its because I love you. I would have blocked you if I knew how.

I told someone.
I'm trying to get him to understand, but its soooo hard. He doesnt understand that half of what he says is offensive, and Im trying not to be mad. He doesnt know any better. Im trying to get him to understand. But jeeze, I just feel drained.
I DONT WANT HELP. I just want someone I know to know. I want someone to know how much Im hurting. I want someone I can vent all my frustrations to.
I do NOT want them to judge, and I do NOT want to stop. I'm still much too fat.

Fuck. Im repulsive. Disgusting. My hips hurt. I hurt. Not enough. 

I should hurt more. I want bruises to match how I feel. 

Fuckkkk. I want to cut soooo bad. ARGH. SOOOOO BAD. 

God, Im disgusting. "Sleeping" through lunch tomorrow [like I could sleep] and a salad for dinner. 

I will be pretty. I will be thin. 

I wanted to be 140 by the end of spring break. FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE. 

I'm never gonna fit into my dress at this rate.

Fuck prom. Jockomo probably wont ask me anyway.

I dont even want to go anymore. 

I'm not tired. I should be. I had 4 hours of sleep, and its 6 AM. Oh well. 

I want to cut soooo bad. ARGH. [But I won't no worries.] Why didnt I make more bracelets when I had the chance?!

Speaking of pretty and thin, I think I'll just chill there for a while. Maybe post a bunch of thinspo? I dont know. I want something that will make me feel better and worse at the same time.
PT here I come!

I'll probably post more later today. 

Uglyfatfailsuckfuck

I feel disgusting.
I've been drinking all weekend. The amount of calories ive had is UNFATHOMABLE. Gross.
I havent even weighed myself in DAYS. [Crazy comsidering I weigh myself every few hours.]
I feel disgusting. Im afraid.

I just want to be pretty.
I just want to be thin.
I just want to be perfect.

I want to be the perfect gorgeous girl that everyone envies.
I want to move past that and become the person everyone worries about.
I want to be able to see my bones. I want to be a skeleton.
I want to die.


Also. Fuck. I think I might have been found out.
Time for more bruising.

HES SO CUTE.

[Disclaimer: OP has regressed to the age of 13. All that follows is mindless gushing about a cute boy.]

OH my god. Soooo adorable. He has this smile that is just to DIE for, and hes sleek and suave and oh so italian.
His name sounds like Jock-omo [I dont want to post the spelling for privacy reasons I guess] and Sylvia. It just sounds exotic and lovely. Like an ideal IT couple. The relationship everyone wants. We could be Jockvia. Like an exotic country. Hahahaha
Oh god. I feel like Im 13. = ]

Hes just so cute and so sexy and so fucking hot. He's warm and well toned and gentle. He seems like he genuinely cares. And we have SOOO much in common. Hes really into photography and we both love art [specifically surrealist art, with a hate for Dada art] and we've taken the same art class. We both came to this college for the same reason, and we have similar moral values and philosophies. He completely accepts and admires that Im vegan, and he's great at music [Hes better at theory than I am, I completely SUCK at music theory] but I can guess tempos better than he can, which was really cute. I would guess a number, and he would guess one close to mine just to spite me. Haha

we just cuddled and talked for like, an hour after everyone left. It was amazing. He wants to have dinner soon. I want to ask him about Wednesday [IS THAT TOO SOON?! HELP!] and if that will work.
I told him I put my number in his phone and he was really confused as to when I did it and teased me about how I probably mixed up my number with his moms or something. It was cute and funny. = ]

Then just out of the blue, he asked me if I liked making out on a whim, and of course, so we did. It was hot. He didnt shave that day, so he was all scratchy and it was AMAZING and soooo hot. = D
And nothing happened other than that. It was so nice just being able to hard core make out with someone and not have them expect a blowjob or anything. THAT hasnt happened in forever.
He told me how pretty and how beautiful and how hot I was and before I left we kissed again and he said "god, I love that. I love kissing you." He's so sweet. = ] and after I left, he texted me to say good night, and sleep well. = ]

So he wants to see me again eventually, and he might come to dinner with me and my friends tomorrow. I HOPE SO. And I hope he drunk texts me tonight. -crosses fingers- I saw him earlier today when we went to go get one of our friends who was hanging out in Jocomo's room [he doesnt have a roomate]. He smiled at me and, I know its cliche, but I MELTED. Gahhhhhh = ]


BUTTTTTTTT.
I'm worried. He's almost too perfect. I feel fat and clumsy and ugly and just not good enough for him.
Why did he pick me?
Ughhhh I need to lose more weight, fast.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

First of all I would like to announce it is 6:30 AM.
I just had the best night of my life. HOLY FUCKINGG SHIT.

Me. Booze. Italian guy.
Holy shit.
FIRST: hes so fucking cute and so hot at the same time.
We get along soooooo well, and we both like the same things. = D
We just made out for like, an hour an a half.
After TALKING for an hour.
God, hes so fucking awesome.

I gave him my number [I put it in his phone when he went to get more water :D] and he just texted me: "Sleep well! 6:30... lol. Gnight"
DAMN HES FUCKING CUTTTTTEE.
And hes so sweet. And he kept complimenting me [and no, he wasnt drunk, like at all]. I deff though he was totally out of my league, but OH MY GOD. He said hes seen me around and he always thought I was really cute.

AHHHHHHH HES SO CUTE.
I should go to bed. Night all. = ]

Drunk again.

SO AWESOME.
I always feel so happy when im drunk. Eh. whateves.
Bingey bingey binge. OH well  I dont even care right now.
It's st patricks day. GET FUCKED UPPPPPP
= ]

I ate too much. I;m telling people too much about me.
Now im afraid someone will know too much about me an piece everything together,
Only time will tell.

Go away go away go away.

I hate you. I don't care about ANYTHING you have to say.

I'm so fat and frustrated and tired.
I skipped Archaeology this morning, and slept for a full twelve hours.
Mmmmm. = ]
But then I had to wake up. I think I'll take a nap again soon.

I just want to be skinny. I just want to starve. I just was to eat and be invisible and cry and sleep forever.
I don't think my interview went well.
I probably won't get the job, the more I think about it. I'm just a freshman. They didn't ask any of the questions I was prepared for, and just asked about previous job experience. I feel like I didn't show that I really REALLY wanted the job. Or that I would be amazing at it.
Whatever.
I don't even know.


http://www.flickr.com/photos/smengvall/5533167014/


More:
Ughhhh. It's just one of those days where I feel like shit. I feel so huge. 150. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck
UGH IM SO MAD AT MYSELF.

My hips are big black fat blobs now. Everytime I sit down my jeans rub against the bruises there. It helps remind me of how fat I am, I guess.
I want to cut so bad. My arm used to be full of bracelets, so I could hide it, but only three are left. I think I'm gonna go make some more.

I feel like I dont belong on PT. There are times I do, but then I remember.
150 lbs. SO MUCH FAT. Maybe ill feel like I belong there when Im 130.
I just feel like Im too fat for everyone there. I dont know.
Everyone there is so small when they think theyre so fat. Its sad.
I'm just a fat girl who is sad. Sad AND fat.

Yep. Thats me.

KFJLSJDGHRIUH

ARGHHHHH
MY COMPUTER SHOULD GO DIE. FUCK YOU.
Paper I was up until 330 doing? Too bad. Due in 30 minutes? Ha-ha. Fuck you.

JLGFOYGELNFVDSDFKJF:L
ARGH.
And I am up SIX FUCKING POUNDS. I don't care if its the food weight or shit weight or water weight.
I just want to cry. Then die. Then cry some more. Then sleep.
I had 2 and a half hours of sleep.

AND IM JUST SO FUCKING MAD.
AND SO FUCKING FAT.

PUPPY CHOW

I HATE IT I LOVE IT I HATE IT.
So good. So many calories. And I was doing so wellllll... = [
I broke my fast at 114 hours. A new record. I had a salad. And purged it.

Then I went to take a nap and ALLLL I could think about was puppy chow.
So I walked for an hour to go to the store and get the ingredients.
I'm so fucking pathetic.
And on the way back, I bought some tofurky slices, and a bag of baked lays. I chew/spit most of it, which is odd because that's only the second time I have. Lots of ED firsts this week.

I don't remember if I said this earlier, I know I did like, 3 times on PT, but MY PROM DRESS ALMOST FITS. Another 7 ish lbs and it will. = ]
I have a four page paper to write tonight, and a huge bowl of puppy chow next to me.
My tummy already hurts.

ALSO:
16 followers? Holy shit, I feel popular. Haha, but really, I don't know why you guys would care.



Update:
UGHHHHH I WANT TO DIE. Then vomit. then die again.
I keep talking to this guy on facebook. He is nice, but none of my friends like him. Which had always turned out badly in the past.

ANYWAY... I'm writing my paper [still, at 3 AM] on world hunger. The fact that I am so full makes it even worse.

Food. It just seems like and evil dirty, repulsive word. It is a fat word. I feel fat whenever I say it.
And I feel like everything I fasted for has been for nothing, because I just ate it all back.
Salad for dinner everyday this week? I think yes.

Down down down down down.

146.8.
Good, good. I'll put my weight back up on PT when its down to 140 maybe. We'll see.
I threw food away today. For the first time. I tricked my mom into thinking I ate it, and flushed it. I feel bad, but It was necessary.
It's hour number 96 of my fast. A record for me! I'm feeling fine. I'm going to try to get out of dinner tomorrow, too.
It's been a liquid fast, so I've had a TON of cals in Dark chocolate almond milk. OM NOM NOM. I've had two cartons in the last two days.
I'm back now, so just water again.
146? Not bad. Down from 153 Weds night.
I might fit into that dress after all.

Should be packing.

Weight was at 149.8 this morning.
Good. It BETTER be going down. That bitch.
ANYWAY. I should be finishing up on my religion homework and packing and such, but I just want to look at food porn.
It's only like, a five point assignment anyway.

Quick Update

I'm going to try and fast from today until monday. We will see what I can get away with. -Crosses fingers- [153 right now KILL ME]
I have to go to class soon, so this is gonna be super quick!
Exbf Brandon wants to come down with Jordan and I this weekend so he can "See everyone" [AKA fuck his new whore]. I don't want him there. Neither does Jordan. SO. I have to talk to him tonight and tell him he can't come, which is a total bitch move, but whatever. Everyone already thinks I'm a bitch anyway.

FASTING FASTING FASTING. I am super busy tonight, so hopefully I can use that to get out of dinner. Then we go home tomorrow and the lies begin.
HOME.
ALONE.
My mom will be gone saturday and sunday. YESSSSS

I'll give you more of an update later tonight.
Hope everyone is doing well.


Okay.
He's coming down with us, goddammit.
He SAYS he has a project to do this weekend back home for his child psychology class, and he is taking his car back up, so it's the last time.
ALSO. he said that he didn't know that his gf and I were best friends.
Bullshit.
He knew.

ARGHdhaf;khfgrih.
I just want to cry. But there are three other people in my room.
UGH.

I fasted today. 24 hours down.
One more thing:
I'm going home this weekend, which means no internet access.
So no blog updates, and no PT.
I'll let you know how things turn out.

bitch bitch bitch

At dinner Elle said to me "If your teeth hurt so much why are you drinking diet coke?" then my roomie sat down and she said some bitchy comment about how I was a dumbass for drinking diet coke and how it was corroding my teeth.

No, you bitch. Diet coke isn't really my problem. I've cut back. A lot.
Purging is my problem.
I purge 80% of what I eat. THAT'S my problem. What now?

She sat in out dining center for FOUR HOURS today. GOD knows how much she ate.
And then she bitches about the paper she's been working on for the last two weeks, and how she only has FOUR pages our of her eight done.
Whatever. Stop bitching and actually get it done.

Arghhhhh I'm just so sick of her right now.


Edit: Went to the gym and burned [only] 325 cals. Better than nothing, I guess. Going again tomorrow.
The store closes in half an hour. I just need to wait that long, and then I can't binge. I have nothing to binge on.

I'm going home this weekend, and my mom will be gone half the time I'm there. I think I might be able to manage a fast from Friday to monday. We'll see. I'm worried about Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon.
We'll see.

Dreaming.

I feel like it's all a dream.
I couldn't imagine myself thinner, much less 74 lbs.
I'm going to be fat forever.
My fat spills over my jeans and oozes out of my tank top. It's repulsive. And probably why no one loves me.

I already ate wayyyy too much today, and it's only noon.
Gym tonight and again tomorrow.

Blahhhhh

http://www.flickr.com/photos/smengvall/5506712374/

I weigh too much. It's still too much. It's always too much.
Elle went with me to the peace Prize Forum. [She's that girl that always takes everything from me]
It was manageable though, because all she did was eat. I ate a lot, but she ate even more. Holy shit. We had dinner, a big one, then went to a discussion, then she ate a BUNCH more at the international thing afterwards. WHAT?! How do you even eat that much!?

Then at dinner last night, she had this HUGE HEAPING plate of fries and cheesy gunk and just bad food. THEN she went up and got a 12 oz cup of rainbow sherbet [like, 4 big scoops] and filled up the rest of the glass with orange juice.
Ugh.
It just makes me cringe. Oh! Then we watched a movie later that night, and she had a bunch of baked lays [1/3 of the bag?] and a bunch of doritos [1/2 the bag? Idk, I wasn't paying very much attention.].
Ugh.

I've had an apple today. [It's only 1215] Skipping lunch.
Went to the gym last night and burned 400 cals. Going again after class probably. I plan on reading a bunch of Wintergirls [FANTASTIC book if you haven't read it] before dinner. Then I'll be too depressed to eat.

I still weigh too much.
Too much.

Nobel Peace Prize Forum.

AMAZING. MIND BLOWING. LIFE CHANGING.
I ate wayyyyy too much.
BUT IT WAS SO AMAZING THERE.

There was this lady who talked about being a judge in Iran and being kicked off just because she was a woman. She protested a lot, and got thrown in jail. She wrote a book. It was really cool, because it was a live interview and she didn't speak English very well so she had her interpreter right next to her. It was really cool.

I went to a group discussion in gender identity Friday night. It was really interesting and eye opening because there were a few different gender identity students there, and they talked about how people [like me] are really accepting about homosexuality, but don't really think about transgender people. Like, they brought up the lack of gender identity bathrooms, and how it's so awkward for them to use a public bathroom, because both sexes look at them weird. It was really eye opening, because it was something I HADN'T really thought about before.

This morning, I went to three sessions. The first was a session on the Arts and how important it is to keep up morale in times like war and depression.

The second one was about the environment and sustainability. Did you know Hershey's is the largest producer of chocolate that uses sweatshop workers? And switching to a local band versus a large bank is better for you local economy? They called it breaking up with your bank, and I never really saw where I banked as a large impact in my community.

The last one was about a group that helps build irrigation systems in Ethiopia.

The closing session is what was MIND BLOWING.

Eboo Patel, author of the book, "Acts of Faith" and the founder of the Youth Interfaith group based in Chicago spoke. Gahhhh it was so good. It moved me to the point of tears. SO GOOD. He talked about interfaith and gave examples of how people got along. He told his own stories about being a Muslim and not reaching out to other religions, and he told stories of Ghandi, people at his conferences, and even events as recent as Egypt, where Christians and Muslims protected each other during times of prayer.
IT WAS SO GOOD. It really encouraged me to not only go back and reread his book, but to work to build stronger interfaith relationships with everyone.


ON THE DOWNSIDE. I ate soooo much. I am up 3 lbs right now. UGH. And on facebook, the exbf and the bitchface are being disgusting. I will relate it here. GAG.
Bitchface: I killed your dog.
Actually, that's a lie. I just wanted something really dramatic to say to you over facebook. ..... .... ...... ..
:O
(also, that face is a Sex Drive reference. so. you're welcome.) BYE BYE NOW!

Ex: Ha ha...so cute. Yes, I still think of that face all the time. :) I hope you have a better day and you should really get out there sometime soon and get your name in EVERYWHERE. You will be glad you did, sweetie.

Bitchface: Probably because it's the greatest face ever. Everytime I make a shocked face, I think of it. But no one else gets it. And yeah yeah yeah, I will. But hopefully I'll be getting that tutoring one! The app said it was closed, but my dad talked to the lady who does the hiring and she said they haven't filled the position and to check next week and if it's still 'closed', she's going to give me a number to call. So I might have a good shot at this! Then I could probably even get by with not working May-August. SUMMER!

That was really long..

Ex: Ha ha...I like that you comment that it was too long, but it adds a whole other comment. Ah...so cute. In terms of work though, I still think you should have at least a part-time job, sweetie. It's nice to save up for when you need it. But yes, I hope the tutoring thing works out. That would be sweet!!!

And the thought of you doing the face is unbearably cute to me. You're adorable. :)

Bitchface: Oh, you shush :P And yeah, I might even just pick up some hours at Walmart during the day still if it's possible :)

Why thank you :D

GAG.  GROSS. DISGUSTING. Now I feel just. Ugh. Ruined my awesome day. 

Shameless advertising.

I fasted for 44 hours. Ugh. Not good enough. Then I had my salad.
Then I binged, which resulted in purging. [Also, Sidenote. Peanut butter is the DEVIL to purge.]
Then I had a sub and a bag of baked lays. Didn't purge.
Gross.

I'm going to the Nobel Peace forum in Iowa this weekend. I'll be back Saturday night.
 In the meantime, check out my flickr? = ]


www.flickr.com/smengvall

Prom.

That bitch is coming to MY prom.
The dress I was going to wear got fixed.
BUTTTTT it won't zip up. = [
Not yet.

It will.
Fasting today. I'm going to Dairy Queen [An ice cream restaurant] tonight, so I can't have any ice cream,, but I CAN use it as an excuse to no go to dinner.
And I will.
I burned off 200 cals at the gym today.
Only a salad tomorrow.

I WILL fit into that dress. I WILL be thin.
I can do this.

Bad Day. Too much thinking. Too much hurt.

It's been a reasonable amount of time. Why do I still hurt? I'm stronger than this. I should be stronger than this.
What is he to me? I don't care. He's nothing. The dirt I spit on.
He's with my best friend? Whatever. She was always a bitch and he was always a needy little fuck.
I don't care.

So why do I hurt? It just hurts so much. I should be over this. I should be stronger.
I hurt so bad. It's like he tore out my heart and ate it.
He ate my heart. He a-a-ate my heart. He ate my heart. He a-a-ate my hearrrt out. [Hah]

I shouldn't care! Maybe it hurts so much because I still love him. I say I don't. I say I would never take him back.
But would I?
I think I would. Why? Because I  DO still love him.
It just hurts soo much.

I want to be alone. I want to disappear. I want to be ignored and invisible. I HATE it when people look at me.

I haven't really talked about this. It hurts to much to remember. It hurts to think about it. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. Except I almost never cry [out of sadness or depression. I cry all the time about everything else].
No one was there. We broke up. It was quiet. Nothing on facebook or anything. Quiet.
I was alone. So alone. No one asked me how I was doing. No one was there to hold me while I cried. No one was there to listen to me.

I put it aside. I acted strong. I faked it. I pretended. I didn't talk about it. And not many people asked.
No one cared. Together for four years? Nahhh. It's nothing. With the best friend? whatever.

He meant everything to me. EVERYTHING. He saved me from my ED several times. He saved me from suicide several times. He helped me get my grades back up. He taught me that I was beautiful, that I deserved to be loved.
Now what? Now I'm nothing. The last four years never happened to him. He doesn't look at me. We don't talk.
I have nothing. I am nothing.
I just want to disappear.

But god, this shouldn't still hurt this much.


Edit: He invited her to our prom.
KFJH:IHF:BHLGJFWEYUIH:LASJDJK:FBHVCV
FUCK.
BITCHCUNTASSWHOREBITCHFUCKINGSLUTCUNTFACE

If she comes I WILL cut up her face.