I'll die for you, Ill die for you, I'll die for you. [More picture vomit]

Blogger is working again. 

Finally.
Christ.

I don't want a relationship with anyone.

They hurt too much.

Its not worth it.

I dont need it.

I can't do it.

I'm afraid.

I had a dream yesterday that has just been bugging me ever since. It was about my ex. Of course.

He wanted to get back together. Again. Kind of.

He was still with the bitch he is with now, but he said in the dream that he was confused, that he still loved me. We had sex. It wasn't hot sex, it was just sad. And the fact that he was cheating and didnt care bugged me. We went and had breakfast the morning after. We cuddled all night. It was terrible.

I dont knowww. It just bugs me.

5 months.

And it still hurts.

It hurts so much.

I want him back.

I never want to see him again.

I want to feel how his arms felt around me.

I want to forget.

I never want to forget.

Weight slowly climbing back down.

Quiet little voices creep into my head

I'm young again, I'm young again, I'm young again, I'm young again

Quiet little monsters creep into my bedroom wall..

Quiet words of wisdom creep into your victims ears.

I'll die for you, I'll die for you, I'll die for you..

[Quiet Little Voices, by We were Promised Jetpacks]

------

I ate way too much today. 

It was just a shitty day in general. 

[Drunk right now] 

I woke up too early because my sisters kidnapped me. 

Had an iced caramel coffee at the place I used to work [350 cals? 400? idk] 

Watched sailor moon with them for a few hours. AWESOME. I regret nothing. 

Went to work. Super busy. It was hell. 

Partying plans were cancelled. Drank alone. 

Havent eaten in a while, so it only took me a little bit to get drunk. As I am now. 

I had too many fries, a veggie burger, and an apple pie piece. 

Too many cals.
And I'll prolly binge in a bit. I want to stay drunk for a while. 

I was talking to my best friend last night. 

He isn;t going to my college next year. 

Long story short [because I dont really want to write much more], I'm not going back either. 

I'm going to a technical college that is $30,000/year cheaper. 

I'm really going to miss the people there. Like, a lot. 

Like, way too much. We'll still come back to visit. 

As of right now, we are planning to get an apartment together for the year at least, if not more. We found a really nice one that is about halfway between our colleges. 

Our colleges are a mile apart.
In the cities, its not bad. 

Anyway, I'm sorry. 

I feel bad. 

I dont want to leave everyone there, but the only reason I went there is because thats where my ex was going. 

He doesn't control my life anymore. 

Much. 

Picture timeeeee = ]

 Found via Got2Purge

Found via Gabby

Going to Prom?

I guess I am. Its next saturday.
Restricted so far today.

I'm back to my old pattern. Its comforting I guess.
Fast all day and then binge/purge at night.

It comforts me. I like the pattern.
I keep getting scheduled 4-1AM for work. Thats good, because I tend to binge the most from 8-1. GOOD GOOD.

Also, getting internet on thursday. lol FINALLY. My mom finally caved because she needs to look for a new job.
Our rent went up $250/ month. We definately can't afford that.
Sigh. Looks like I'm helping to pay rent again.

Weight going down. Steadily.

I dont know about prom anymore. Mykell doesnt want to go.
BLAH.

It's hot. And humid.
Mostly humid.

Its making me cranky.


Oh. And also, men-wise.
Last time I posted/drank, we ended up playing truth or dare again. This one guy Ive know for a while, chris, was there.
Well in the course of the game I was left wearing only a thong [white with pink lace... could have been worse I GUESS... Ugh] and a lavender tank top. GROSS.

He texted me the next morning after I left and said "Hey there, I didnt say anything before, but cute thong and nice ass"
Thanks?

And then there is this guy I work with, Nate, who [small world] was the 1st chair trombone in my jazz band in middle school. He was like a music god. I dont know if he remembers me. Hes very nice. Low key flirting.
I walked home from work, and he actually drove by me.

I freaked out for a minute. It was like 1 AM first of all. Second, he drives a Ford Taurus, black. The same car my ex drove.

My heart stopped. I swear. He asked me if I wanted a ride because I was "really freaking him out." lol. Cute.

Then, Ive been reading too much stephen king I think, but I turned a dark corner, and I thought "We all float down here." [An It reference]

Hum hum hum.
I'm taking pictures again. kinda. Promising maybe? We'll see.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/smengvall/5708075739/in/photostream

Cal intake under 1000 today. 

-----

Gorged on Mashed potatoes. Idk what my cals are at. Still htink Im okay if i can manage to NOT fuck up [Hard, I know.] 

It's hailing and there is a tornado warning. So I'll be staying here for a bit I think. 

The sky was greenish, not its just an odd yellow.

Hail was golf ball sized. It was pretty crazy. I threw a few over the house. Hah. 

I wish I brought my camera. 

Hail! 

PT wants to move to a new site. 

I dont know. It scares me. I hate the idea.

Starting over. New things. 

I dont know. It just wouldnt be PT anymore. 

The sparrows are flying again.

Props to anyone who understands or recognizes my obscure Stephen King references. He's tied with Robert Jordan for my favorite author.

“I don't know. We were friends. I was fine. It was okay. But then all of a sudden it was like the day after we broke up again.” -Eric to Donna from That 70's Show

Summer book count: 2

The Time Traveller's wife [Good]

The Dark Half by Stephen King [Reread, one of my favorites]

On another note.

Ugh.

Don't believe ANYTHING you read on the internet. [Does that include this? Should you believe this? Me? I dont know. You decide.]

I while back I saw something regarding salt water to help induce vomiting.

Nope.
Don't do it.

I want to die. I feel like shit.

Most importantly, it didn't work. I still had to induce vomiting myself, the salt water just made everything disgustingly salty.

I want to purge more, but the salt COMPLETELY puts me off of it right now.
It was probably the worst purging experience I've ever had.

Worse than purging until a nose bleed.

Worse than scratching the back of my throat and purging blood.

Worse than purging peanut butter and bread and pizza and gummies and noodles. All combined.

It was terrible.

Worst experience ever.

I feel like I still need to puke. I still feel nauseous. But I'm afraid. It was terrible. So bad.

Something to put a bulimic off purging? Yeah. It's that bad.

Ughhhhhhh. Gah. Blah. Blarg. Disgust. WORST EVER.

Don't believe anything.

Also. I [finally] got my driver's license. Lol. I should have had it two years ago, but whatever.

Partying tonight. Not getting crossfaded, because my friend ended up bailing. LAME. Oh well. Some other time.

I started Stephen King's It again today. Lame lame lame.

I'm lame.

Finally charged my camera battery. Lol. I'll take pictures sometime.

I finally deleted my ex's number from my phone. Finally.

It doesn't matter that I still have it memorized.

I'll forget it in time.

It doesn't matter that I still have my old best friends number memorized from 5 years ago.

It doesnt matter.

DRINK TIME.   

Birds fly over the rainbow, why then, oh why can't I? [Picture vomit]

Dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.

Where troubles melt like lemon drop high above the chimney tops.

[Somewhere Over the Rainbow]

I grayed out in the shower the other day while I was getting back up and ended up falling into our soap holder thing. My shoulder is dark purple.

I may never sleep tonight as long as you're still burning bright.

Gracing your skin with the side of my hand.

If I ever leave, then I'll learn to miss you.

Let me save you, hold this rope.

I may never sleep tonight [never sleep tonight] as long as you're still burning bright.

I'll stay awake 'til I drink my mistakes 'til they fade away.

Deserted, my organs can go on without me.

So let me save you, hold this rope and I'll pull you in.

I am an anchor, sinking home.

[Trade Mistakes]

<3

Hum hum hum.

One month and 7 days until Panic! At the Disco concert.

I can't die until after that. Lol.

But I'll hold on hope and I won't let you choke on the noose around your neck,

And I'll find strength in pain and I'll change my ways.

Cause I need freedom now and I need to know how to live my life as it's meant to be.

[The Cave]

It's another one of those days.

What is the point? What is the point of everything? Of anything..?
Life, living, death dying work pain suffering happiness living.

I don't know.

I dont want to be here. I dont want to be alive.

I don't want to kill myself.

I just want to die.

Typical.

Typical lazy bitch can't do anything for herself.

Why can't I just be hit by a car crossing the street or something?

Or spontaneous combustion. That sounds good.

Lazy, selfish bitch.

I'm taking my drivers test tomorrow. Finally. I should have had that two years ago. More than.

Lazy stupid bitch.

I hate driving. I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of killing someone.

Fuck. I can't do this. I dont know.

I feel lost and alone. I dont talk to anyone. No one wants to talk to me.

I'm okay with it.

Im not okay with it.

I love it.

I hate it.

I dont know.

Im a stupid bitch who doesnt know anything.

“You don't have my legs. Yours are too fat.”

“You need to go on a diet.”

“You need to lose weight.”

“Why do you eat so much?”

“Look at all that pudge.”

“Why can't you do something?”

“Lazy bitch.”

“Yeah. Right. Go eat everything, then just puke it all up.”

“You're never going to pass your test. Fuck!”

All things I have heard today.

By one person.

My lovely mother of course.

Parents are great.
They fuck you up pretty nicely.

I cant do this.
Im sick of this.

I need to get out.

I need to get away.

I need something. I dont know what.

I dont know anything.

Dumb bitch.

Move your body while the sunlight dies, everybody hide your body from the scarecrow.

We're all alone tonight.
Hold your breath while the blackbird flies, count to seventeen and close your eyes.

He burns my skin, never mind about the shape I'm in.

[S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W]

I'm losing touch with blogs. Sorry. I'm working on it. I read everyone's I follow, I swear. I just need time. 

Why did I start a blog? Why do I keep posting?
I dont know.

Is it for me? Let everything out, so I don't go insane?
Do I secretly hope someone will see it and save me from myself?
Do I want to be saved?

I dont know.

I dont know what I want.

I dont want this.

I dont want to be here.
I dont want to exist.

Also. I can't wear my bracelets at work.

My cuts haven't healed.
I'm freaking out.
I'm on the edge of an anxiety attack again. I can feel it coming.

Deep breaths.

Breathe.

Breathe.

I dont even know my own story.

Anxiety.
Fuck.

I want to die. 

1 month and 8 days.

Until panic at the disco.
:D

Weight going down. slowly. LAME.

I cut last night. I kinda feel bad typing it, but i did. Oh well.
It was kinda bad. The razor slipped and cut more deeply and longer than I intended.
It was pretty interesting watching it though.

I sound like a sick freak.


I am.
There is no one to stop me from doing anything.
This could get bad.

I got the job I thought i would. I start on thursday.

I miss the people I used to talk to.

But I'll find strength in pain, and I will change my ways.

I ate too much today.
My older sister was over and she eats an INSANE amount. Like, really. I watched her eat TWO pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream back to back.
That's like, 3500 cals.
We watched some soap opera [lol] then MAURY. Hahahahaha It was pretty awesome actually.

UGH.
I had a bunch of.... everything. i dont know.
We went to the store and I bought $70 in binge food. -_-
So she was there for a few afters after the binge and wouldn't leave, so I couldn't purge.

It just sat there. UGH.
So much food digesting. I STILL feel disgusting.
Fasting the rest of today and tomorrow.
Weds my mom has off so I have to eat a bit then.
Fasting thurs and some of friday.

Friday we [Jordan and two people I used to work with] are getting crossfaded [drunk and high] so we'll see what happens with that.

Oh. I drank again Saturday? night and ended up talking to this one guy on facebook. Uh ohhh. I don't remember a lot of it, but I know it was pretty flirty. :S Ooopsss.

I ended walking to Jordan's house and back. An hour walk. My ass felt like steel. lol.
In the event of my suicide [hopefully not for a while] I would jump off a bridge/dam I passes on the way there.

It was interesting. Hum. I don't know the words I'm looking for.
It was like seeing into the future, you know? Like how things MIGHT be.
I could see myself standing there. Just looking over. Jumping. Whatever.
The water would probably be cold. It would probably be dark. I'd exhale right away and it would all be over in less than 3 minutes.

Or what if I jumped from a different spot and got trapped behind the dam itself? How far down does it go?
I tried googleing stuff abotu ti but didn't find anything.

It was just strange. It brought it more reality and just gave the situation more weight.

Hum. I don't know. It wouldn't be for a while. Don't worry.

Another thing I was thinking about.
I don't worry about calories as much as I do about the WEIGHTS of things. Almost everything about my ED revolves around weights.
Bread doesn't have as many calories as something like ice cream, but I'd feel worse binging on bread than ice cream.
I'm too afraid to weigh myself for a few days. Maybe tuesday night. Or thursday night. I dont know. Maybe friday morning.

I'm strange. I'm fucked up. I wonder why people talk to me. I wouldn't.

I hung out with some old coworkers of mine last night. Gabe and Alex. They were talking about "trolls" and how they have a "trolldar." Then they explained that a troll was someone who was short, fat, and ugly.

Does that include me? I'm I one of those awkward people who other people secretly talk about? Maybe I'm just paranoid.

Maybe not.
-----
Talking to that guy on facebook again. I apologized for the other night. We were talking. He saiddd..
"I think I would much rather talk to you while you are sober. but it was a little cute too :P"

Haha cuteeee. = ]
I dont know about dating him yet though. He's cute and nice and such. BUT.

Being single is pretty awesome.
I like sex too much to be in a relationship with him. He's too innocent. I'd like to corrupt him eventually. I dont know.

I;m a terrible person.