Oh you silly girl.

Fasting. 169. I have to be 165 by thursday. I will be.

Jeans are almost comfortable now. Almost.

I feel like shit today.
I feel like I dont matter.
I feel alone.

Trigger trigger trigger.
I dont even know what triggers me.

My hair is shit. My fat is shit. My body is shit. My eyes are shit. My face is shit.
I'm shit.

I can't talk to the person I normally talk to when I feel like shit. even if  I could, hes got a lot going on right now. He might be in jail for the next two years.

Two years. Alone.

I dont know if I can wait that long.

Fuck. Everything is just a mess right now.

Omar moved out. It seems like everyone is leaving me.

Oh you silly girl. You believed us when we said you were adorable? You actually thought that someone liked you? That someone thought you were pretty? Thats cute.

You poor, pathetic thing. It was a lotr. All of it. Everything. A joke. No one  thought you would take it so seriously. Hilarious, really.

Youre alone.

Its funny how desperate I was to believe all the compliments everyone gave me. Pathetic.

God, I'm so dumb.

I can't have a perfect life, I never will. Theres never going to be anyone to take care of me. I'll keep taking care of everyone else, and then when I need help, they'll just leave. Like everyone else.

How much weight will I lose with this relapse? 50 lbs? God, that would be incredible. I'm down 10 already. Probably all water weight.

How much weight will I lose before someone notices something is wrong? How long before someone notices I've stopped eating? How long before someone notices I haven't been to the grocery  store in almost a month?

How much weight do I have to lose before they realize I dont want to be helped? I dont want to recover. I just want to shrink down to nothing.

I  want someone to actually, genuinely care. I want someone to ask me how I'm doing and mean it.

4 lbs to goal weight one. Down 15 lbs.

another 15 to gw 2. 20 after that to gw 3.

I'm so sick of being "curvy." I want to be skinny. Thin. Perfect. Envious.

I'm sick of being used. Objectified. Taken advantage of. I'm sick of being unwanted.

I dont want to talk anymore.