Hurt

This weekend was my 21st birthday. I had fun overall but the after math is messy. 

The thing I was looking forward to the most was a romantic, candle lit dinner with the man I love. I went to get a new tattoo first, and It took a  lot longer than expected. 

My boyfriend was mad because I missed it he said. He said everything was ruined and it was all my fault. So I went to go over anyway and he told me to go home. 

So I missed the most important thing all weekend. No dinner. No candles. No flowers. No crappy horror movies. 

Instead, I laid in bed and cried. And cut. For the first time in a really, really long time. 

He made me go to a party, and we argued and made up and got drunk. My friends took me home and we continued the weekend we had planned. 

So I went to my man's this morning and he had something to tell me. This girl we work with  was flirting and talking to him all night and he almost kissed her, but she stopped him. then he took her back to his place where he said she just slept on the couch. 

I have a right to be hurt though, yeah? I feel betrayed. I know he didn't actually do anything but it's still shitty. I asked him why and he said he was drunk and mad at me. 

I should be mad, right?  It's bullshit that I didn't get to come over and have a nice birthday dinner, but some other woman did?  And like everyone at work knows about it, too. A couple people are betting on whether or not they slept together. 

I already told him I was  mad and that we needed to talk later, but I don't know if I'm going to talk to that girl too.  I thought she was cool before and now I just hate her guts.  she said she's been with this guy for two years but my boyfriend said he thinks she's single and just lying. 

I don't know. I'm just upset. 

Omfg

Youre so perfect I can't even take it.
I'm such a potato.

You dont even realize how completely flawless you are.

I dont deserve this

Typical

I'm the other girl. I'm always the other girl. Never the first choice. Im  always the girl someone just settles for. I should be used to it by now.

this is why I should never fucking get attached. This is what happens. Every. Damn. Time.  I'm too fucking naive. I trust people too easily and it bites me in the ass every time.

I get hurt over and over and over again. I knew I should have stepped away. I knew I should have backed off as soon as he told me there was another girl.  Fuck, I'm stupid.

I got attached anyway and look where I am now. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I thought he was different, and he is, thats what makes everything awful.

He proved that not all guys are the same. he proved that some guys are just genuinely nice. And I lost it.

I'm not going to be that girl. I'm not going to make him choose between us, because thats not fair. Maybe things could be different if he didn't have a child with her. Maybe then things would be different. Maybe then.

shes a bitch. Thats what I honestly think, and I think he deserves better. But I'm not going to poison him against her. Thats not fair. If he decides he didn't  want to be ruth get, then fine, but I'm not going to encourage him otherwise. Too many guys have done that too me (phil), and I'm not going to be like that. I can't do it.

I'll be the bigger person and let it lie, as much as it hurts me to do so.

God damn it. This is why I can't get attached.

This is why I need to stop being so god damn stupid.

He looks so sad, it breaks my heart. Well, even more. It shouldn't be this god damn hard. Its not fair.

Its not fair that someone so perfect can come into my life when I need him most, and then leave as soon as I'm attached. Its not fair.

I need to cut. Really badly. I can feel myself panicking and about to cry.

I can't do this. I can't work with him and keep my focus. It wont work. I've already started fucking up.

I'm never changing who I am

I dont want to be with her.
I dont want to do anything with her.
I honestly dont think shes as great as you say.

I dont want her to feel left out.
I dont want to feel like a second choice. Like the other girl.

I dont want her to feel like the only reason youre staying with her is the baby.
I dont want you to leave her.
I dont want you to leave me.
I dont want you to leave your family.
I dont want to share you.

I dont know if I can share you.

I just want things to be simple.
Things would be much more simple if I didn't feel.
Things would be simpler if you were an ass.

Things would be simpler if I was thinner.
Things would be simpler if I threw up anything I managed to eat.
Things would be simpler if I lived alone.
Things would be simpler if I was skinnier than her.

Things would be simpler if I was prettier than her.

Things would be simpler if I was the girl you thought I was.

Anxiety

I feel claustrophobic. I feel suffocated and like I can't breathe.

My clothes are all too tight.

God, I'm stupid.

I just dont have words right now.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I'm  already fucking everything up. Of course.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

This is why I can't care. This is why I should end this. But then he smiles at me and I just melt and I  forget all the reasons why I had doubts.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Its been a while. Again.

Long story short, phil is an ass. I should have realized, I should have been less naive. Stupid, silly girl.

I'm falling for someone else, and phil is pissed. I haven't heard from him in two weeks. Fine then, be that way.

But I can't do this again.  I can't let myself feel again. I can't get hurt again. Hes got a family, a fiancee, a 3 month old daughter. I'm not going to break up a family. If it comes to me or his family, I won't let him choose me.

I can't do this. I dont deserve it. I dont deserve to be happy, or to have someone so nice to me. I deserve someone awful.

Why won't my body and my soul listen to my brain? I'm just confused and hurt and I ache.

My whole body hurts from working out. My throat hurts from purging. My stomach aches from not eating.

I dont deserve his compliments. I'm a potato. A dog.

Thanksgiving is in like... A week.

And I'm not nearly close to my goal.

Purged today. Purging mozzarella sticks is awful. Just awful. But I can't gain any more weight.

I need to fast. Until like, thanksgiving. That sounds like a  good idea. Unrealistic for my weak, fat ass.

I feel dizzy. Lalala.

I wonder how much of this weekend I can sleep through.

Were going dancing on friday. I'm sober cab this time. Thats okay I guess. Then I won't feel sick and have to eat.

I have to stay strong. I  have to remember how much I want this. How much I need it.

I dont know whats going on.

I dont know what  I want. I dont know who I want. I dont  know where I'm going or how I'm going to get there or what I'm going to do when I get there.

I dont know if I've made the right decisions, or if I'm making awful mistakes.

They say anorexia is a slow form  of suicide. I think thats true.

I'm not going to meet my thanksgiving goal. I'm at 169 right now. Its been a binge weekend. I've purged a few times. Not enough.

Dear lord, I swear, all my family does is eat. I'm going to have to be sleeping all next weekend.

I read john greens the faults in our stars and looking for alaska. They were good.

I never want to eat again.

I dont like relationships, but I dont like being alone.

I can't go out tonight.

I look awful.

I'm such a dog. Disgusting. Awful.
I'll post a picture later.
Edit: I look like a whale.

I lost my best friend.

"Nobody said it was easy.
Its such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh take me back to the start."

I hurt so bad. And I'm all alone. And I have to act like I dont care.
And its just so fucking hard.

I want to go back. Beg for forgiveness. Tell him I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I miss him so much.

I've lost my best friend.

I can't sleep.
I can't eat.

And everytime he texts me, it just hurts. Because I'm trying all the time not to text him, and its okay if I dont think about it. I'm okay. But when I do its just like my heart is breaking. Ripped into pieces. Shredded.

And it hurts.
So bad.
Fuck.

This is why I hate relationships.
This is why I should just be alone.

Then theres no hurt. No heartbreak.

I keep remembering when he begged me to take it back. Take back everything he said. And I just shook my head.

God, I miss him so much.
And knowing hes hurting as bad as I am makes it worse.
Knowing that he wants to take everything back just kills me.

I'm so tired. And I ache all over.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.  its killing me. I hurt so bad and I know you could make it all better if you were here.

What have I done. I love you so much. You were my best  friend, and now we can't even talk.

I can't even think about it.

I'm numb. I dont think about anything. Then I dont hurt so bad.

I can't talk to anyone. I dont have anyone to talk to. I'm alone.
And I know you are too.

I dont want to be with anyone else. I know you think I do, but I dont. I just want you.

But it can't happen. We can't be together.

Unknown.

They pushed his court date back another month.

I dont know if I should take it as a blessing or not. I dont know if I should go to a church or not. I just dont know.

I think I'll go a few times. Show that I'm serious, even though I didn't get quite the results that I wanted.

He looks happy. We were making jokes in the court, rated the women who were on trial. The lawyer was a 7, no one else was above a 3.

He looked over at me more than the other two girls who were there for him.
One is the married girl he slept with. He barely looked at her. Heh heh.

Whenever I look at her, I just imagine them having sex, and it makes me feel sick. I  wonder when the last time they had sex was. I dont know if I want to know.

Tired. So tired.

I went to taco johns with my sister. I couldn't eat all my food.

Weight steady around 165. I have until thanksgiving to drop ten. 15 by december 1st.

My body is sore from yoga.
Might go to the club tonight for a friends 21st birthday. Maybe. I'm so tired though.

I  have to help my sister move in this weekend.

Happy halloween

Broke my fast after 60 hours with a pumpkin blizzard and some candy. Then I felt really sick so I had an apple.

I was 166 yesterday so I think I met my goal.

I find out what god has decided tomorrow.

I'm nervous.

Went trick or treating as princess peach. Ignore my fat rolls. This pic was 8 lbs ago, so its not quite so tight anymore.

I need to talk to phil. I miss him.
Omar and I have been fighting all day. Its my fault he moved out and I've been avoiding him and blah blah blah.

I need a smoke.

Or four.

So tired.

Everything smells delicious.
Fuck I'm hungry.

So tired. 

Worried.

My body hurts.
My soul hurts.
I just ache.

I'm so sore.

Ugh.

Please god, do this one thing for me.

So fucking hungry.
So tired.

So much to do. 

Getting ready to quit.

I just want to quit everything. My job. My relationships. My fucking life.

I'm so done.

I went to a church today.

I'm cranky. I haven't fasted this long in a while. I almost broke yesterday morning.

I can't sleep. I dont know why. I did yoga instead.

43 hours. Pathetic.

Cranky cranky cranky.

A deal with God.

I don't think you are real. I've lost faith years and years and years ago, but I'm at my wits end. I need help. This is a last, desperate plea. I don't know what else to do.

My friend, you know who I'm talking about. He's made mistakes. A lot of them. He's facing two years in prison. He was trying to get his life back together, and now its about to fall apart again.

All I'm asking is for you to give him another chance. Just one more, although I understand he doesn't exactly deserve it. Please.

You brought us together, so briefly, it would be unfair to pull us apart. He is the only person who actually listens to me when I talk, the only person who actually tries to help me because he actually cares. I think. To tear this away from me would cause me to blame myself for everything.

I should have done something to help him. I should have tried to get him to open up to me more. If I could have just gotten him to talk about everything, he wouldn't be going through this now. I was selfish. I only thought about myself.

If he was a test for me, then yeah. I failed. I fail at a lot of things, almost everything, and I'm getting pretty damn sick of these tests, if thats what they are.

Just give him another chance. Give me a chance to help him. Please. I can't do this anymore. Give him back to me, and I'll try my best to believe in you. Have faith. I'll be one of your followers. I'll try as hard as I can.

Please. Do this for me and I'll try my best. Show me some sort of sign that I can believe.

Please. 

Oh you silly girl.

Fasting. 169. I have to be 165 by thursday. I will be.

Jeans are almost comfortable now. Almost.

I feel like shit today.
I feel like I dont matter.
I feel alone.

Trigger trigger trigger.
I dont even know what triggers me.

My hair is shit. My fat is shit. My body is shit. My eyes are shit. My face is shit.
I'm shit.

I can't talk to the person I normally talk to when I feel like shit. even if  I could, hes got a lot going on right now. He might be in jail for the next two years.

Two years. Alone.

I dont know if I can wait that long.

Fuck. Everything is just a mess right now.

Omar moved out. It seems like everyone is leaving me.

Oh you silly girl. You believed us when we said you were adorable? You actually thought that someone liked you? That someone thought you were pretty? Thats cute.

You poor, pathetic thing. It was a lotr. All of it. Everything. A joke. No one  thought you would take it so seriously. Hilarious, really.

Youre alone.

Its funny how desperate I was to believe all the compliments everyone gave me. Pathetic.

God, I'm so dumb.

I can't have a perfect life, I never will. Theres never going to be anyone to take care of me. I'll keep taking care of everyone else, and then when I need help, they'll just leave. Like everyone else.

How much weight will I lose with this relapse? 50 lbs? God, that would be incredible. I'm down 10 already. Probably all water weight.

How much weight will I lose before someone notices something is wrong? How long before someone notices I've stopped eating? How long before someone notices I haven't been to the grocery  store in almost a month?

How much weight do I have to lose before they realize I dont want to be helped? I dont want to recover. I just want to shrink down to nothing.

I  want someone to actually, genuinely care. I want someone to ask me how I'm doing and mean it.

4 lbs to goal weight one. Down 15 lbs.

another 15 to gw 2. 20 after that to gw 3.

I'm so sick of being "curvy." I want to be skinny. Thin. Perfect. Envious.

I'm sick of being used. Objectified. Taken advantage of. I'm sick of being unwanted.

I dont want to talk anymore.

Dear Phil,

Im so sorry about everything you're dealing with right now. I can't imagine what it must be like. I wish there was some way, any way I could help. The only thing I could think of was to periodically make surprise appearances to keep you in high spirits. Since that is out of the question, [at least for the next 30 days, and I hope you'll be out before then] I suppose I'll take you up on the writing suggestion. It's better than nothing, right?

I miss you. I dont know if that sounds clingy or not. I think it kind of does. I miss talking to you. There. Thats better. Talking with you was always so easy. It's hard for me to find things to talk about sometimes, which is why I'm struggling right now. Conversation is a two-sided thing. Give and take. It just flows. Writing isnt bad though, I guess. I get to time to think about what Im going to say, so I dont sound so stupid now. Ha ha. :]

What are the rules regarding this, anyway? Do you get to reply, or is that a faux pas? Am I allowed to mail you things? Like photos? Can I bake you, say, banana bread, or will they assume it contains razors or a lock pick or poison or something? What about cookies, if I make sure to include enough to share? Could you trade my baking for smokes? [Im kidding, kind of] Do you even get to keep letters, or do they make you throw it away?

Did you know I don't have a favorite color? I like yellow and blue and green more than any of the others. I like grey and black, too. And white. And purple. Orange is okay. Red is okay, but I like deep reds. Or bright reds. Not that dull nasty stuff. See? I can't pick one.


I hope I brightened you day, even a little. I'll write again soon.


Yours truly,
Sylvia


----
Im not jealous im not jealous im not jealous.
it doesnt matter that the gil you called "a psycho bitch" has visitation rights and not me.
it doesnt matter that she might have been the last girl in his apartment, not me.

Im not just a booty call, he said. Im more than that.

Not jealous. 

Day off tonight

Thats the outfit I wore today.
My legs are huge. So huge. I want to gag. I ate too much.

Isn't it always too much?

Two cinnamon rolls, a salad that had cheese and guac on it, and two  bread sticks.

I'm done eating until tomorrow night. We are going out to  texas roadhouse for my sisters birthday. They have these bread rolls that are soooo good. Then were going to the club after.

Saturday is that stupid party. I'm Just going to look huge because I haven't lost enough weight yet.
(172)

Do I settle for people? Settle. I dont think so. Not really. Theres a difference between settling for people and taking the best you can get.

I dont settle, I just take what I can get, the best that I deserve.

Stripping?

What if I could some how get a job as a stripper. Somehow. I dont know who would hire me because I'm gross and saggy, but I've got some decent tits. C or D cup depending on the bra.

They make hella money. I could pay off my college loans. Buy a car. Get my own apartment. Go back to college.

Omar wouldn't like it.  And Who would hire me? I can't dance. Im too fat.

I might buy my grandmothers car. A pt cruiser, which is an old person car, but she hasn't said if she would sell it to me, or how much she would want.

My family all secretly hates me. They dont invite me to things that they invite my sisters to.

Like on saturday. My aunt and uncle are having a halloween party. They said I can go, but I can't act like a child because its a grown up party.

...

...

Bitch, I'm 20. You only see me on thanksgiving and christmas. I'm a bitch to my brother, yeah, but thats only because everyone else spoils him.

My sister acts like shes 14 and she was invited, no questions asked. >_<

I  have all these plans for the weekend, and now I just dont want to go.

I should just randomly move to minneapolis and get a job stripping. Just disappear. Leave without a word.

I want to cut so bad.

I deserve to be punished.

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Im a terrible shitty person I dont deserve to be happy I deserve to be miserable and alone forever and I just want to be alone and not have anyone actually worry about me or responsibilites I want to be a teenager again and be able to cut and starve and purge and binge and hack and die all alone like I should be

Trigger trigger trigger.

I was asked the other day to identify what triggers me.

I dont know. Girls who are skinnier. Thinspo. My clothes not fitting. Looking terrible.

I dont know.

But something has triggered me.

I need to fast. Its not like I've been eating a lot, but its too much all the same.

I'm hungry, but I dont want to eat. I dont want to eat ever again.

But ughh, it hurts. My tummy hurts, my head hurts, my soul hurts. I know eating would make me feel better, but I just dont want to.

The things I would give to be 137 again. I'm down to 173. Gross gross gross. I feel disgusting and ashamed just thinking  about that number.

Goals. 165 by halloween, 155 by thanksgiving.

137 137 137. How did I fuck up so bad?

My  legs are huge. My calves are massive. My arms are all flabby. I'M all flabby!

My clothes dont fit. I'm too heavy.

too heavy

Ughh I feel nauseous

I think its just a combination of too much caffeine and not enough water. Ughh

I went out for coffee with a friend today. It was fun. We talked a lot and went on a walk. It was really nice out, so we were out a lot longer than I planned.

He told me  about how he was abused as a kid, so I told him about mine. We talked about our futures, about what we want. I dont want to go to college for anything. I want to be a stay at home mom. Clean all day. Cook. raise the kids.

Omars acting really weird. We had sex today for the first time in like a week, and he instigated it, so I went for it even though I was really tired.

I was tired, so I kept getting really close to an orgasm, but then it would slip away from me. So I finally came, and then he just pulled out. He didn't finish at all, even though he was still hard, and he was really distant afterwards, which is a lot like an insult to me.

What's even weirder is that before he was acting normally. I know it took me a while, but it would have helped if he was a little more into it. He was like a robot almost the whole time. :/

Then, after, we layed down to take a nap. Now, he always sleeps with his shirt off, but this time he left it on. Strange. He didn't put his arm around me or anything, just layed with his back to me. When I moved closer so we were touching, he just moved farther away.

And now he won't reply to my texts. So I dont know what's going on.

A picture of me, for your viewing pleasure.

I bought this dress yesterday when I was shopping with my sister. I'm supposed to wear it to her birthday dinner on friday.

I spent so much money yesterday. Way too much. Like $150. My halloween costume was like 70.  We have a family party on saturday. My sisters are going as mario and luigi, so they said I had to be princess peach. I'll post a picture after, if I can get a good one.

I'm falling so far behind on all my bills. I dont think ill be able to make rent this month. Well, not for me and omar. Ughh. my phone bill is due this week, and I haven't paid off anything on my college loans in months. and dont get me started on my credit card bill.

Growing up sucks.

Theres this guy ay work who sets unrealistic expectations for me, and then bitches at me when I can't do it. And then bitches at me for not doing this and this and that. He just makes me feel like shit.

Fuck you. I'm working my ass off, so you can sit around and do nothing and bitch at me.

Fuck you bradley, you can suck my dick.

And thats the gospel truth.

The guy from work who wants my ass got fired. Hes been working there for five years. He made a grand a week. He got fired for making decisions without the consent of his supervisor.

Now, all I can think about is how I never got his number. I can't find him on facebook. I dont know his last name. There are a few people at work I could ask for his number.

He was so nice to me and so helpful, and I never got a chance to thank him for that.

I'm going out shipping with my sister. I need to see if I can find a halloween costume. I dont think omar wants to go trick or treating with me. I'll have to figure something out.

Getting old sucks. No one will give you candy if youre old. So youre costume has to be damn good .

I just dont want to be so fat. I can't be.

Fasted for 30 hours. Had a pizza. 960 cals. I can't let omar get suspicious. At least not for another 50 lbs. Like that Will happen. I can hope.

I dont do anything.

I'm at work. I'm bleeding out my vagina. And I forgot an extra tampon. blarg.

People keep asking me what I do for fun. I dont know.

I sleep like, 12 hours a day.
I'm on tumblr a lot.
I workout sometimes.
I join fandoms. (supernatural, sherlock so far)
I read a lot of fanfic.

I dont do anything.
I dont go outside.
I dont like the little chit chat people do. (you dont actually care how I'm doing. You dont care how my day is going. You dont know me. Dont ask if you dont care.)

I sure dont post much anymore do I?

Nothing fun happens to me. Or interesting.

But I need somewhere to organize my thoughts.

I've lost my appetite. Maybe its because I'm getting sick, or maybe its because I'm so goddamn disgusted with myself.

I've gained so much weight that my pants dont fit. The shorts that used to be huge on me fit snugly. my favorite pair of jeans doesn't fit. All that fits me is a pair of sweatpants.

I'm going to start restricting and working our again. Maybe. I think. I have to. I dont want to. I want to.

Its hard when youre in a  relationship you love. When youre in love. I just want to be happy for him.

I have a problem however. Omar wanted to move out. Why? Is it because of me? I'm I annoying? Too clingy? is it the 30 lbs I've gained since we met? does he still want me?

This terrifies me. I'm panicking. Its hard to breathe.

Its not like I would be alone. There are plenty of guys waiting for me to be single again.

theres this guy at work. He's a supervisor. He wants me. every week when I see him after the weekend,  he asks me if I'm still with the guy I'm with. Every week I say yes. He tells me how pretty I am.
He's very nice. He's cute. He's 26. He reminds me a lot of my last boyfriend...  Who I couldn't stand.

I dont understand how anyone wants me. I'm so fat now, I want to go puke. I'm not going to, I made a promise.

But god I want to.

I want to so bad.

Purge until I see blood. Cut every inch of skin I have.

Laters

Look how far I've come

I took this photo last april (2011) tup help me decide if I wanted that shirt. I ended up not buying it because I thought I looked too huge.

I've put back on about 25 lbs since then. I'm not vegan anymore (I'm too poor) and I can't see.how I ever thought I was fat then.
I turn 20 today.

It's been a while.

They changed blogger, eh?

I'm sorry, Ive been really busy with work and everything. 

Ive been taking a shot at recovery, all thanks to the love of my life. I've promised him I would try and get better. 

Its just... 

Some days are harder than others, you know? 

I feel... anxious. 

Trapped. 

Something.

My weight has been consistant around 155-160. 

I wish it was 130. 

DdsjakhfdlkLJF

I just want to be pretty for him. 

My heart is racing.



Too many people I know irl are following me on tumblr. I think its time to make a new one. just for my ed.


Look for the flying sparrows. 

Omar time(:

Oh hi guys, I have Sylvia's phone for the night so guess its my turn for a blog :3
First I'm a senior in high school and I play lacrosse (well used too.)  I work. With Sylvia and I guess that's bad so we aren't allowed to work together.
Enough about me :p
I wonder how mad Sylvia is going to be if she sees this?
Well hmmmmm, I love Sylvia so much (longest relationship I've ever been in) I hope I can be the longest she's been in too (in four years o.O) 
I think she is the prettiest girl EVER! and im so shocked that she doesnt think so, and that shes "fat" which shes not!!!
I'm probably boring you huh? 
Okie well imma go. bye peoples :3

I LOVE YOU SYLVIA <3

Were quite the strange couple.

He has eating issues too. Which is insane because he's sooooo perfect. (I'm not perfect at all!) (Oh btw. This is her boyfriend, she doesn't even knpw that I lnow she has this)

I purged two days ago. He was sooo mad. (I was pissed because she told PROMISED me she wasn't going to anymore)
But what sent me over the edge was that he worked out for three hours because he thinks he fat. (I am pretty fat)

But he's soooo perfect, so what does that make me?(hmmm I believe that makes you soo perfect and sooooo gorgeous)

We.flushed both of our diet pills that night.

I've had 650 cals today. (Grrrr. Only??! You can't be mad at me for working out so much if you're only going to starve yourself)
I want to be 135 by prom. (And I want superpowers)

(Don't tell her I was her please)
Oh and Sylvia, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!! YOU'RE SO PERFECT AND GORGEOUS!!!!!<33333

I feel sooo nauseous!

I started taking diet pills again.
I mixed different kinds right away.
And I took the max dose right away.

I feel like I'm gonna puke.
Blarg

Im going to work myself to death.

My boyfriend is trying to make me fat.
Its workingggg. I haven't weighed myself in a while.

I should have purged yesterday.

My bf also knows about my eating issues, and he follows my tumblr. Hah.
I'm glad he doesn't freak out about it.

My hair is getting sooo long!

That's good. All the pretty girls have long hair.

Purged yesterday for the first time in like two months.

This morning I woke up, ate a bowl of cereal, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and two pieces of toast with raspberry jelly.

I went back to sleep and when I woke up, I was superrr shaky. I've felt really weak and lightheaded all day at work so far. I'm not sure if its because of the purge?

Just had a salad, estimated 150 cals.
Smoothie, half water, estimated 200.

Blarg.

Same blog post as usual.
Still fat.
Empty promises to fix it.

Who am I kidding?

I'm a fake.
Throw rocks at me.

New year

New goals.
What are mine? Fuck if I know.

Fasting today. At 21 hours so far. Work tonight will be the hard part. Diet pills? Sureeeeee

A lady came into panera yesterday and ordered a latte with half skim milk, half water. She said it tasted the same, but half the calories.

Last time I weighed myself it was 161. I haven't eaten since.

Its weird thinking back to where you were one year ago.
Thats one year of heartbreakig misery, one year of veganism, one year trying to build back relationships,  one year of pushing boundries you didn't know you could.

One year of carelessness, one year of caution. One year of fear.

Suicidal moments, longest fasts, more fasts than ever before. Relationships, casual sex, drama, drinking,  drugs, self harm, purge purge purge, a new low weight.

But even after all that, I still weigh the same as I did last year.