The sparrows are flying again.

Props to anyone who understands or recognizes my obscure Stephen King references. He's tied with Robert Jordan for my favorite author.

“I don't know. We were friends. I was fine. It was okay. But then all of a sudden it was like the day after we broke up again.” -Eric to Donna from That 70's Show

Summer book count: 2

The Time Traveller's wife [Good]

The Dark Half by Stephen King [Reread, one of my favorites]

On another note.

Ugh.

Don't believe ANYTHING you read on the internet. [Does that include this? Should you believe this? Me? I dont know. You decide.]

I while back I saw something regarding salt water to help induce vomiting.

Nope.
Don't do it.

I want to die. I feel like shit.

Most importantly, it didn't work. I still had to induce vomiting myself, the salt water just made everything disgustingly salty.

I want to purge more, but the salt COMPLETELY puts me off of it right now.
It was probably the worst purging experience I've ever had.

Worse than purging until a nose bleed.

Worse than scratching the back of my throat and purging blood.

Worse than purging peanut butter and bread and pizza and gummies and noodles. All combined.

It was terrible.

Worst experience ever.

I feel like I still need to puke. I still feel nauseous. But I'm afraid. It was terrible. So bad.

Something to put a bulimic off purging? Yeah. It's that bad.

Ughhhhhhh. Gah. Blah. Blarg. Disgust. WORST EVER.

Don't believe anything.

Also. I [finally] got my driver's license. Lol. I should have had it two years ago, but whatever.

Partying tonight. Not getting crossfaded, because my friend ended up bailing. LAME. Oh well. Some other time.

I started Stephen King's It again today. Lame lame lame.

I'm lame.

Finally charged my camera battery. Lol. I'll take pictures sometime.

I finally deleted my ex's number from my phone. Finally.

It doesn't matter that I still have it memorized.

I'll forget it in time.

It doesn't matter that I still have my old best friends number memorized from 5 years ago.

It doesnt matter.

DRINK TIME.   

Birds fly over the rainbow, why then, oh why can't I? [Picture vomit]

Dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.

Where troubles melt like lemon drop high above the chimney tops.

[Somewhere Over the Rainbow]

I grayed out in the shower the other day while I was getting back up and ended up falling into our soap holder thing. My shoulder is dark purple.

I may never sleep tonight as long as you're still burning bright.

Gracing your skin with the side of my hand.

If I ever leave, then I'll learn to miss you.

Let me save you, hold this rope.

I may never sleep tonight [never sleep tonight] as long as you're still burning bright.

I'll stay awake 'til I drink my mistakes 'til they fade away.

Deserted, my organs can go on without me.

So let me save you, hold this rope and I'll pull you in.

I am an anchor, sinking home.

[Trade Mistakes]

<3

Hum hum hum.

One month and 7 days until Panic! At the Disco concert.

I can't die until after that. Lol.

But I'll hold on hope and I won't let you choke on the noose around your neck,

And I'll find strength in pain and I'll change my ways.

Cause I need freedom now and I need to know how to live my life as it's meant to be.

[The Cave]

It's another one of those days.

What is the point? What is the point of everything? Of anything..?
Life, living, death dying work pain suffering happiness living.

I don't know.

I dont want to be here. I dont want to be alive.

I don't want to kill myself.

I just want to die.

Typical.

Typical lazy bitch can't do anything for herself.

Why can't I just be hit by a car crossing the street or something?

Or spontaneous combustion. That sounds good.

Lazy, selfish bitch.

I'm taking my drivers test tomorrow. Finally. I should have had that two years ago. More than.

Lazy stupid bitch.

I hate driving. I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of killing someone.

Fuck. I can't do this. I dont know.

I feel lost and alone. I dont talk to anyone. No one wants to talk to me.

I'm okay with it.

Im not okay with it.

I love it.

I hate it.

I dont know.

Im a stupid bitch who doesnt know anything.

“You don't have my legs. Yours are too fat.”

“You need to go on a diet.”

“You need to lose weight.”

“Why do you eat so much?”

“Look at all that pudge.”

“Why can't you do something?”

“Lazy bitch.”

“Yeah. Right. Go eat everything, then just puke it all up.”

“You're never going to pass your test. Fuck!”

All things I have heard today.

By one person.

My lovely mother of course.

Parents are great.
They fuck you up pretty nicely.

I cant do this.
Im sick of this.

I need to get out.

I need to get away.

I need something. I dont know what.

I dont know anything.

Dumb bitch.

Move your body while the sunlight dies, everybody hide your body from the scarecrow.

We're all alone tonight.
Hold your breath while the blackbird flies, count to seventeen and close your eyes.

He burns my skin, never mind about the shape I'm in.

[S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W]

I'm losing touch with blogs. Sorry. I'm working on it. I read everyone's I follow, I swear. I just need time. 

Why did I start a blog? Why do I keep posting?
I dont know.

Is it for me? Let everything out, so I don't go insane?
Do I secretly hope someone will see it and save me from myself?
Do I want to be saved?

I dont know.

I dont know what I want.

I dont want this.

I dont want to be here.
I dont want to exist.

Also. I can't wear my bracelets at work.

My cuts haven't healed.
I'm freaking out.
I'm on the edge of an anxiety attack again. I can feel it coming.

Deep breaths.

Breathe.

Breathe.

I dont even know my own story.

Anxiety.
Fuck.

I want to die. 

1 month and 8 days.

Until panic at the disco.
:D

Weight going down. slowly. LAME.

I cut last night. I kinda feel bad typing it, but i did. Oh well.
It was kinda bad. The razor slipped and cut more deeply and longer than I intended.
It was pretty interesting watching it though.

I sound like a sick freak.


I am.
There is no one to stop me from doing anything.
This could get bad.

I got the job I thought i would. I start on thursday.

I miss the people I used to talk to.

But I'll find strength in pain, and I will change my ways.

I ate too much today.
My older sister was over and she eats an INSANE amount. Like, really. I watched her eat TWO pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream back to back.
That's like, 3500 cals.
We watched some soap opera [lol] then MAURY. Hahahahaha It was pretty awesome actually.

UGH.
I had a bunch of.... everything. i dont know.
We went to the store and I bought $70 in binge food. -_-
So she was there for a few afters after the binge and wouldn't leave, so I couldn't purge.

It just sat there. UGH.
So much food digesting. I STILL feel disgusting.
Fasting the rest of today and tomorrow.
Weds my mom has off so I have to eat a bit then.
Fasting thurs and some of friday.

Friday we [Jordan and two people I used to work with] are getting crossfaded [drunk and high] so we'll see what happens with that.

Oh. I drank again Saturday? night and ended up talking to this one guy on facebook. Uh ohhh. I don't remember a lot of it, but I know it was pretty flirty. :S Ooopsss.

I ended walking to Jordan's house and back. An hour walk. My ass felt like steel. lol.
In the event of my suicide [hopefully not for a while] I would jump off a bridge/dam I passes on the way there.

It was interesting. Hum. I don't know the words I'm looking for.
It was like seeing into the future, you know? Like how things MIGHT be.
I could see myself standing there. Just looking over. Jumping. Whatever.
The water would probably be cold. It would probably be dark. I'd exhale right away and it would all be over in less than 3 minutes.

Or what if I jumped from a different spot and got trapped behind the dam itself? How far down does it go?
I tried googleing stuff abotu ti but didn't find anything.

It was just strange. It brought it more reality and just gave the situation more weight.

Hum. I don't know. It wouldn't be for a while. Don't worry.

Another thing I was thinking about.
I don't worry about calories as much as I do about the WEIGHTS of things. Almost everything about my ED revolves around weights.
Bread doesn't have as many calories as something like ice cream, but I'd feel worse binging on bread than ice cream.
I'm too afraid to weigh myself for a few days. Maybe tuesday night. Or thursday night. I dont know. Maybe friday morning.

I'm strange. I'm fucked up. I wonder why people talk to me. I wouldn't.

I hung out with some old coworkers of mine last night. Gabe and Alex. They were talking about "trolls" and how they have a "trolldar." Then they explained that a troll was someone who was short, fat, and ugly.

Does that include me? I'm I one of those awkward people who other people secretly talk about? Maybe I'm just paranoid.

Maybe not.
-----
Talking to that guy on facebook again. I apologized for the other night. We were talking. He saiddd..
"I think I would much rather talk to you while you are sober. but it was a little cute too :P"

Haha cuteeee. = ]
I dont know about dating him yet though. He's cute and nice and such. BUT.

Being single is pretty awesome.
I like sex too much to be in a relationship with him. He's too innocent. I'd like to corrupt him eventually. I dont know.

I;m a terrible person. 

I had something to say, but I forgot.

So hi.

I went thriftng today.
Bought two new pairs of jeans and a pair of shorts. All size 5/6. = ]
Weight going down again.
FINALLY. Still terrible. Still a long way to go for my goal.

I miss everyone at college. They are all great people and I'm excited I'm going to live near a lot of people my standard group of friends talks to.

The people I hang around most of the time live in a different hall.
People I talk to occaisionally but my friends dont like live in the hall I am staying in.

I also bought a wicked awesome backyardigans laptop case [SCORE] and a pink mini lava lamp nightlight.
:D

AND JELLY SHOES. AWW YEAH. HOT PINK. FTW. 

Going home.

For the summer.

You are all amazing beautiful people.

Smaller less frequent posts from now on. 

You fooled me twice with your lies./Im getting old and need someone to rely on

Panic! at the Disco <3 =]

Archaeology final went fine.
Work until 5, then hair cut.

I might leave PT for a bit. I'm debating it.

I dont belong there.
I dont belong here.
I just dont belong anywhere.
----
Hair cut. Dumb bitch fucked it up.

Ate too much.
Had a headache so i didnt purge enough.

Philosophy final tomorrow. I'll bullshit that, too. Sigh.

Planning another binge before I get drunk tonight.


I'm fucking weak.
I need to purge. I need to pack. I need to weight myself
I can't. Im so afraid. Like, terrified of the scale. I don't think ive ever been  this afraid of it.
Im just freaking out in general.
Anxiety attacks. They're the best.

Breathe.
Again.

Breathe.


Fuck. I'm shaking. I can't do this. I need to get out. I need to do SOMETHING.

Fuck.

Fucking breathe, you dumb bitch.
----
just kidding. everything is better drunk.

intoxication.

I still love him. A lot. It's painful. Agonizing. We talked today. Its his birthday.
We laughed. It was almost like old times.

I miss him.

So much.
I want to cry. 

Im getting tired and I need somewhere to begin./ Anxiety

I hate making decisions. I don't want to make them.
I dont want to get old. I dont want to be here. I don't want responsibility. I dont want to be responsible.

I dont want to make decisions. Just decide for me.
Weighing options. It's too hard. I can't decide.

If I think about things too long, I cant decide. I have to do things spur of the moment. Make a decision and STAY with it. Stop thinking about it. That's what I did with both of my tattoos. Hah.

I can't make my own decisions.
----
Okay, sorry that was really vague. True in general though. It was about roommates for next year. Two people I dont know asked me to room with them in the nicest dorm hall on campus, but all my friends are in another hall.
I ended up telling them yes.


Ate too much again and didnt purge enough.
I need to go home.


I can't function today. I think I'll just hide in my room all night. Preferably alone.

I have a final tomorrow morning. I need to get some studying done tonight. At least Ill have an excuse to not talk to anyone.
-----
1221
More procrastinating.
I dont want to study. Fuck it.
I went to walmart and bought the new Panic! at the Disco CD. It's good. =] IM SO EXCITED FOR THEIR CONCERT. :D

I also bought a bunch of bracelet making stuff. I'll have time to do it tomorrow. I already made one.
I need enough so I can cut again.
Fuck. I want to so bad.

I'm also getting my hair cut tomorrow hopefully and my eyebrows done. We'll see.

I just told my friend like, my whole family-related life story. It was boring, but I just kept talking. lol.
Oh wellllll.

Hum. Tomorrow is a busy day.
I dont want to study.

I need to cut so bad right now.

lettersillneversend.com

Im so tired.
Fuck it, Ill bullshit this test. I dont care anymore.

DARREN CRISS/ Eating in front of others?

First, before I forget, Thank you, Love<3 for your comment. It made me smile. = ]

Just watched glee.

SO GOOD.

HIS HAIR CURL. Oh my god. There is just one single curl. And its the most adorable thing I have ever seen.

I love him so much. DONT CRY BLAINE. DONT CRY.

I already downloaded this. 

It was such a good episode. It was really raw to me. They all made shirts about what they were most insecure about, which seems really personal. 

If I made a shirt, I'm pretty sure it would say either "FAT" or "BULIMIC" but I don't know if I could wear it in front of a ton of people. 

I don't know If I would wear it at all. 

Ate too much again today, didn't purge enough. Blah. 

My weight is ridiculously high. 

Back to heavy restricting. Really. This shit has got to stop.

Blarghhhh. 

I need more PT. I need to do something.

I just want to be normal. I don't want to have to worry about what I eat and when I have to purge by. I don't want to have to worry about my weight or gaining weight.
I want to be normal.

Im too fat to recover. I'm not ready yet. Maybe later. like at 110 lbs. We'll see.
Fuck. i need to fast. But look where THAT got me last time. Fuck.



I'm probably going to keep adding to this all night. Just so you know.

Went tanning today. My tummy is burnt. Gross.

I feel disgusting. I am disgusting.

Why are you reading this? Why do you follow me? I'm just a fat fucking failure who just whines about how fat she is, while continuing to binge and purge.
I'm pathetic.

I want to be gone. I just want to not exist. I want to disappear. I want to die. I want to be alone and ignored and forgotten.
I don't want to think. Im tired. Im tired of everything. Im tired of school and people and myself and everything.
I just want to sleep.

I'm too fat to die. How sad is that? I can't die yet, because Im too fat.
----
11:53
I just had taco bell with my best friend.
I want to purge until I pass out. Call me whatever, I don't care.


Eating in front of others. It's a pretty hot topic on PT right now. For me, it depends on the people Im with.
Like my best friend, the one I had Tbell with. I can binge in front of him, and not feel anxious or uncomfortable at all. Or my family I can binge in front of.

Then there are friends that aren't THAT good of friends, like my roommate, so I can eat a normal amount in front of.

There are people I feel STARE at me and just JUDGE me while I eat, mostly people I dislike, like Elle. Then I eat next to nothing. Like a salad maybe.

There are people I want to influence, like my best friend from high school. I subconsciously want to send a message. Its one of two. Its either "I can eat a ton of food and still lose weight!" or "I'm trying so goddamn hard to eat healthy and lose weight."

Then there are a few people who completely avert me from food. These people fall into various categories, so I can't really generalize them. Like my ex boy friend and one of my friends now. I think these are just the people I want to see how fucked up I am. Anyway, if I'm eating or GOING to go eat and I see them, I literally turn and walk the other way. Or I throw my food out and pretty much RUN out of the cafeteria. I cannot physically eat in front of them. I freak out.

When I'm eating alone though, it's different. I fell like EVERYONE is staring at me. EVERYONE.
Like this morning, I started off good, I had half a cup of mango and a strawberry. [I fucked up at lunch and dinner. And now. SHIT] While I was eating it though, I felt like EVERYONE in the cafeteria was STARING at me. I freaked out then, too.

I don't know. I'm too fucked up to be normal, but not fucked enough to be fucked up.



I changed everything around again. Sorry. I was sick of all the color. Something is still.... off... but i dont know what it is right now.

I'm slipping. I can feel it. It's like Ive been clinging on for too long and my arms are letting go.
I feel like im letting go. I dont even feel like punctuating or capitalizing or working very hard to fix grammar/punctuation mistakes. which is syaing something because I am what you would call a grammar nazi.

Im just tired. Im tired of this, im tired of me, im tired of everything.
I just want to sleep forever. i want to be gone. i want to hide.

Maybe this si just another one of my late night mood swings, but whatever. i feel disgusting. I want to be gone. ugh.
im so tired.

Im tired of pretending. im tired of trying. im tired of hurting and existing and being. im tired of waiting. im tired of agony. im tired.

just. tired.
I want to be done with everything. i want to cease to exist. i just want to be done. gone. away. run hide.
fast slow pain death run slip jump fall dark black pitch empty nothing gone empty perfect. gone.
pills sleep nothing empty black sleep pass warm cold slow cold numb od sleep.

Waiting. Wait. wait wait wait. See what saturday brings? perhaps. 

Disgusting.

I dont think ive ever felt so repulsed with myself.
I feel disgusting.
Overall, I've gained weight since being home.

On the bright side, I was also promised a job that I can work like, 60 hrs/wk in, which will keep me busy and from binging.
Hoping hoping  hoping.

I think I can still make it to 130 by June 1, but I need to kick my ass into gear.
Fuck.

I hookahed and got drunk with Jordan on saturday night. We also smoked cigs together, which was interesting as well. Hum.
More partying tonight.

Hung out with my family on sunday.
They kind of repulse me. They're all really REALLY overweight.

I dont want to write more right now.

I'm just tired.

I'm fat and I just want to hide and disappear.
---
Ate dinner. Only able to purge a little. I'm a fucking failure.

My teeth look terrible. Ugh. Damn it.
Going to go party. I need to forget how gross I am. Mindless, emotionless, drunken fucking? Sounds great.