Stripping?

What if I could some how get a job as a stripper. Somehow. I dont know who would hire me because I'm gross and saggy, but I've got some decent tits. C or D cup depending on the bra.

They make hella money. I could pay off my college loans. Buy a car. Get my own apartment. Go back to college.

Omar wouldn't like it.  And Who would hire me? I can't dance. Im too fat.

I might buy my grandmothers car. A pt cruiser, which is an old person car, but she hasn't said if she would sell it to me, or how much she would want.

My family all secretly hates me. They dont invite me to things that they invite my sisters to.

Like on saturday. My aunt and uncle are having a halloween party. They said I can go, but I can't act like a child because its a grown up party.

...

...

Bitch, I'm 20. You only see me on thanksgiving and christmas. I'm a bitch to my brother, yeah, but thats only because everyone else spoils him.

My sister acts like shes 14 and she was invited, no questions asked. >_<

I  have all these plans for the weekend, and now I just dont want to go.

I should just randomly move to minneapolis and get a job stripping. Just disappear. Leave without a word.

I want to cut so bad.

I deserve to be punished.

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Im a terrible shitty person I dont deserve to be happy I deserve to be miserable and alone forever and I just want to be alone and not have anyone actually worry about me or responsibilites I want to be a teenager again and be able to cut and starve and purge and binge and hack and die all alone like I should be

Trigger trigger trigger.

I was asked the other day to identify what triggers me.

I dont know. Girls who are skinnier. Thinspo. My clothes not fitting. Looking terrible.

I dont know.

But something has triggered me.

I need to fast. Its not like I've been eating a lot, but its too much all the same.

I'm hungry, but I dont want to eat. I dont want to eat ever again.

But ughh, it hurts. My tummy hurts, my head hurts, my soul hurts. I know eating would make me feel better, but I just dont want to.

The things I would give to be 137 again. I'm down to 173. Gross gross gross. I feel disgusting and ashamed just thinking  about that number.

Goals. 165 by halloween, 155 by thanksgiving.

137 137 137. How did I fuck up so bad?

My  legs are huge. My calves are massive. My arms are all flabby. I'M all flabby!

My clothes dont fit. I'm too heavy.

too heavy

Ughh I feel nauseous

I think its just a combination of too much caffeine and not enough water. Ughh

I went out for coffee with a friend today. It was fun. We talked a lot and went on a walk. It was really nice out, so we were out a lot longer than I planned.

He told me  about how he was abused as a kid, so I told him about mine. We talked about our futures, about what we want. I dont want to go to college for anything. I want to be a stay at home mom. Clean all day. Cook. raise the kids.

Omars acting really weird. We had sex today for the first time in like a week, and he instigated it, so I went for it even though I was really tired.

I was tired, so I kept getting really close to an orgasm, but then it would slip away from me. So I finally came, and then he just pulled out. He didn't finish at all, even though he was still hard, and he was really distant afterwards, which is a lot like an insult to me.

What's even weirder is that before he was acting normally. I know it took me a while, but it would have helped if he was a little more into it. He was like a robot almost the whole time. :/

Then, after, we layed down to take a nap. Now, he always sleeps with his shirt off, but this time he left it on. Strange. He didn't put his arm around me or anything, just layed with his back to me. When I moved closer so we were touching, he just moved farther away.

And now he won't reply to my texts. So I dont know what's going on.

A picture of me, for your viewing pleasure.

I bought this dress yesterday when I was shopping with my sister. I'm supposed to wear it to her birthday dinner on friday.

I spent so much money yesterday. Way too much. Like $150. My halloween costume was like 70.  We have a family party on saturday. My sisters are going as mario and luigi, so they said I had to be princess peach. I'll post a picture after, if I can get a good one.

I'm falling so far behind on all my bills. I dont think ill be able to make rent this month. Well, not for me and omar. Ughh. my phone bill is due this week, and I haven't paid off anything on my college loans in months. and dont get me started on my credit card bill.

Growing up sucks.

Theres this guy ay work who sets unrealistic expectations for me, and then bitches at me when I can't do it. And then bitches at me for not doing this and this and that. He just makes me feel like shit.

Fuck you. I'm working my ass off, so you can sit around and do nothing and bitch at me.

Fuck you bradley, you can suck my dick.

And thats the gospel truth.

The guy from work who wants my ass got fired. Hes been working there for five years. He made a grand a week. He got fired for making decisions without the consent of his supervisor.

Now, all I can think about is how I never got his number. I can't find him on facebook. I dont know his last name. There are a few people at work I could ask for his number.

He was so nice to me and so helpful, and I never got a chance to thank him for that.

I'm going out shipping with my sister. I need to see if I can find a halloween costume. I dont think omar wants to go trick or treating with me. I'll have to figure something out.

Getting old sucks. No one will give you candy if youre old. So youre costume has to be damn good .

I just dont want to be so fat. I can't be.

Fasted for 30 hours. Had a pizza. 960 cals. I can't let omar get suspicious. At least not for another 50 lbs. Like that Will happen. I can hope.

I dont do anything.

I'm at work. I'm bleeding out my vagina. And I forgot an extra tampon. blarg.

People keep asking me what I do for fun. I dont know.

I sleep like, 12 hours a day.
I'm on tumblr a lot.
I workout sometimes.
I join fandoms. (supernatural, sherlock so far)
I read a lot of fanfic.

I dont do anything.
I dont go outside.
I dont like the little chit chat people do. (you dont actually care how I'm doing. You dont care how my day is going. You dont know me. Dont ask if you dont care.)

I sure dont post much anymore do I?

Nothing fun happens to me. Or interesting.

But I need somewhere to organize my thoughts.

I've lost my appetite. Maybe its because I'm getting sick, or maybe its because I'm so goddamn disgusted with myself.

I've gained so much weight that my pants dont fit. The shorts that used to be huge on me fit snugly. my favorite pair of jeans doesn't fit. All that fits me is a pair of sweatpants.

I'm going to start restricting and working our again. Maybe. I think. I have to. I dont want to. I want to.

Its hard when youre in a  relationship you love. When youre in love. I just want to be happy for him.

I have a problem however. Omar wanted to move out. Why? Is it because of me? I'm I annoying? Too clingy? is it the 30 lbs I've gained since we met? does he still want me?

This terrifies me. I'm panicking. Its hard to breathe.

Its not like I would be alone. There are plenty of guys waiting for me to be single again.

theres this guy at work. He's a supervisor. He wants me. every week when I see him after the weekend,  he asks me if I'm still with the guy I'm with. Every week I say yes. He tells me how pretty I am.
He's very nice. He's cute. He's 26. He reminds me a lot of my last boyfriend...  Who I couldn't stand.

I dont understand how anyone wants me. I'm so fat now, I want to go puke. I'm not going to, I made a promise.

But god I want to.

I want to so bad.

Purge until I see blood. Cut every inch of skin I have.

Laters

Look how far I've come

I took this photo last april (2011) tup help me decide if I wanted that shirt. I ended up not buying it because I thought I looked too huge.

I've put back on about 25 lbs since then. I'm not vegan anymore (I'm too poor) and I can't see.how I ever thought I was fat then.
I turn 20 today.

It's been a while.

They changed blogger, eh?

I'm sorry, Ive been really busy with work and everything. 

Ive been taking a shot at recovery, all thanks to the love of my life. I've promised him I would try and get better. 

Its just... 

Some days are harder than others, you know? 

I feel... anxious. 

Trapped. 

Something.

My weight has been consistant around 155-160. 

I wish it was 130. 

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I just want to be pretty for him. 

My heart is racing.



Too many people I know irl are following me on tumblr. I think its time to make a new one. just for my ed.


Look for the flying sparrows.