[Negative self bashing]

Ive been eating too much.
Tisk tisk.

CONCERT IS IN LESS THAN 3 DAYS.
Im [hopefully] getting my next tattoo tomorrow morningggg. = ]

Im sore from working out. Like my back is just... ugh.

I had today off, so I read a bunch and played video games with my brother.
I finished the book "Feeling for Bones." It was okay. I still prefer Wintergirls. I have to read Wasted yet, but my library doesnt have a copy of it and such so I have to request it. LAME.

Im attempting to download a game. We'll see if it works. It better. I dont wanna wait an hour.

My life is boring.

Oh. My family decided they wanted to go to the KFC buffet for dinner tonight.
Disgusting.
Absolutely repulsive.

I'm so glad I'm vegan.
Not only did they have like, a whole slaughterhouse/chicken coop in a heater in the back, all the shit looked repulsive. You could see all their tiny bones. Really? I dont understand how people eat that.

SO All I had there was some corn, green beans, and a few pickles.
Then my mom bought me some potato fry stuff, and I looked through the nutritional info for "vegan" purposes, and they were 230 cals. I shared them with my brother.

It's the fucking peanut butter sandwich that killed me. JDSLAHJFLD
God damn it. Why is peanut butter so high calorie? DAMN IT.
-----

I decided to weigh myself tonight.
Bad idea.
Good idea.
I dont know.

Im about to fucking cry.
I am crying.

Im just so fucking mad and disappointed with myself.
Im very upset.

One hundred and sixty three fucking pounds.
163.0.
Such a round, fat number, dont you think?

I couldnt realize why ive felt so fucking fat these last couple of days. I thought it was just getting close to that time of the month or something.

The way my thighs jiggled when I work something above the knee.
The way my arms bulged.
The way my pants dug into my skin. The dreaded muffin top.
The way my torso just looked short and fat.

But worst of all: my face.
Looks fucking huge. My cheeks look massive. I cant see my jawline very well. I have no cheekbones. Fat fucking cheeks. No definition. Just fat fucking globs of fat mushy SHIT.

My collar bone doesnt stick out enough. Or like, at all.


Nope. No tattoo tomorrow.
No eating tomorrow.
1.5 hours of working out. Plus the walking im going to be doing.

I'm not getting that tattoo until I get back down to 149.9.
I'm not going to go get my hair or eyebrows done until 139.9.
I'm done. I'm done fucking around. Im sick  of fucking eating.

Tomorrow:
Wake up at noon.
Take appetite suppressant.
Work out [1 workout video, learn the next one, then do that one, then stretching, so 1 hr 45 min? Burning [estimated] 1800 cals.Prolly less because Im a fat fuckup who cant do anything right]
Maybe do some sit ups/pushups
prolly go on PT.
Go to work- Walk there, walk back to my house to pick up my trombone for rehearsal, go to practice, walk back to work, then maybe walk home.
Take more appetite suppressant.
More PT.
Bed.

Then repeat.
I'm not eating at all tomorrow. I swear. Prolly not eating saturday either.


Sorry this was so negative.
Take care. 

Drinkign until i puke?

Hopefully. 

Work sucked. worked out. Ate tooo much,.drank. Here I am. 

Hum.

Hope you are all okay,

Well hum. I have a lot to say.

Went drinking last night.
We hottubbed and now my ears are all full of water. I helped my gay friend get some. = ]
I have a ton of bruises and I have no idea what theyre from.
Went home and bought my mom breakfast on the way. She bitched because I didnt get her what she liked.

went to my sisters to work on the TURBOFIRE WORKOUT.
We ended up getting distracted and went to the store to buy cantaloupe.
Got distracted again and bought a ton of fruit.

Ate all of it.
UGH.

Then I hung out with my brother for a bit.
I was so proud. We had chalk and the first thing he wrote was,
"It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M."
:D

He wanted to go bike, but I'm too big for his bike, so I followed him on a scooter.

When was the last time you were on a scooter?
That shit is fucking terrifying. Goddamn. I fell and scraped my knee.

then we went walking and went to the library.

Came home and did some of the workout, then went and cleaned some.
I went on the roof and cleaned out the gutters and gunk off the roof.

I've never been on a roof before, so it was interesting. It was pretty fun. = ] I got to watch the sun set from the roof. :D
I also cut my foot on a nail. Owwwwieee.

Then I went to a restaurant with my older sister.
INTERESTING.

We  talked for like, 2 hours.
We were talking about eating disorders. I told her I strugglED with bulimia last year, and then brought it into the present tense eventually.
She just doesn't eat I guess.

Remember a while back when I said my sister passed out at school? It was because she hadn't eaten in like, a week.

I told her about PT and my worries for our other sister and brother.

It was just interesting to realize that it really IS genetic. Hum. I dont know.
Interesting. 

Fasted today.

Proud of myself. = ]
But I DID down half a gallon of chocolate soy milk. I forgot the calorie count, but it was a lot. Most of it was last night. I kept waking up SUPER thirsty.

Fasting most of the day tomorrow I think? if not more? I dont know. Im drinking tomorrow night, so we'll see what I do. I'm gonna try and fast again though. I bought me a pack of gum so I think Im all set.

Getting my next tattoo on thurs. :D
PANIC CONCERT IN 6 DAYS.

My turbo fire came today. :D But I cant use it until monday. = [
Might take my sisters senior pics on weds.


Work today sucked. Like a lot. It was steady all day, so I couldnt get anything done, and I was just all crabby all day.
I have a thousand cuts and bruises. LAME.

Just kidding. I have 2 bruises [quarter size at least] and 22 cuts. I just counted. Only 7 hurt though.
Bah.

Hum hum hum.

Im gonna check PT really quick, then go to bed. Work early. LAME.

But then drinking. :]

I miss this.

I miss feeling hungry. And I know it sounds SUPER cliche, but I miss my hunger pains.

I feel just.. So happy. So right. Normal. I feel like Im doing something right. Finally.
Been looking at thinspo and such all day. I feel great. = ]

New month. [9 DAYS!]

NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE! SO CLOSE!
PANIC!
PANIC AT THE DISCO!
SOOON = ] <3

Immma go tanning when Im done typing this. After my next two sessions, I think I'll be good. 

Anyway. I went and talked to an old teacher of mine. She's amazing and pretty much psychic. She helped me plan my life. 

Go to the crappy "transition" [as she called it] college in town and get my AA degree there. 

She said I will know what to do with my life after that year. 

She said to have fun this summer, and go with light flirting [regarding men].

She said not to date until a year has passed, because I need to give myself plenty of time to get over it. 

Then, I am allowed to date [Haha] after that year is up, ONLY IF that man comes into MY life, and without me going out of my way for it. 

She said that the man I marry won't be anyone I know now. 

WHEW. I feel a lot better after talking to her. We kind of closed the convo after that because I was about to cry and such. I dont know. With the whole breakup thing Im still whining about and just the RELIEF of having everything planned... It just made things better. 

Then I went with my mom, sister and brother to the park. We had subway. Gwen and I almost have all her senior picture stuff planned. 

Anyway, Gwen and I went to the dollar store afterwards and bought $30 worth of pretty much useless shit. Hah. Then we stumbled on stumbleupon for a bit, and watched youtube for a bit. [She hadn't seen NicePeter's Epic Rap Battles of History or Sassy Gay Friend, so we watched all of those. lol] 

Then [awkward story], we were gonna go to panic atthe disco's website, so I typed in the letter "P" in the address bar, and I have google chrome and guess what popped up? Thats right. Prettythin.com. 

HAH. AWKWARD. She didnt say anything but... I dont know. IT was there for a while and Im pretty positive she saw it. Oh well. 

My workout video hasn't come yet. Maybe today? Tuesday by the latest.
Which transitions me into my other topic...

Yesterday was a huge binge day. 

but guess what? It's a new month. Fuck it. I've got this now. 

A new month. Get back on track. 

Diet pills and workout video.
I'm done fucking binging. DONE. 

I need to stop purging, too. My teeth hurt after I've done it. 

So. I'll keep my weight up for motivation, because its so gross. 

This morning, June 2, I weighed NOT 130, my goal by this time. 

NOT 137.6, my low weight. 

Not even 148, a normal BMI. 

A sickening 155.4 lbs. 

DISGUSTING. 

Getting back on track though. This shit has got to stop. Im done. 

Love hate.

I love Lady gaga. So much.
Like really. I completely idolize her. She is just so amazing in every. Single. Way. God she's awesome.

Random? No.
Us Weekly has a special Lady Gaga edition out right now. Worth every penny. And it comes with 5 posters. = ] [Hah, im so lame :p] SO WORTH IT. She's so fucking hot. It's great thinspo I can hang up without being creepy.

backtrackinggggg

I was going to go tanning today, but its memorial day so they were closed. Ill go tomorrow. Then I have work, then idk if im doing anything after. I'm going to go talk to an old teacher of mine on weds and have her plan out my life for me. Hah

I went to the thrift store and got a bunch of books. Because im lame.

Anyway, it was pretty hot today. Now its raining.

I got off work two hours early and went and hookahed with jojo and our friend chris. Legit.
Then I went to walmart because I didnt wanna go home. I wandered for a bit and remembered I needed more facewash. I got the magazine there.

I also got diet pills.
Dont judge me.
I almost got laxxies. I knwo they don't do anything, but I feel the appeal anyway. I didnt get it before, but I do now. You just want everything OUT you know? like it doesnt matter if you still absorb everything and whatnot, as long as its OUT. and not just SITTING there.

Anyway, so I got hunger supressent type diet pills. I'll let you know how they work. if they do at all.
Sigh.

Imma go hang up posters now.  = ]
----

Also.
God damn it.
Suicide threads on PT make me feel so shitty.
I can't ignore it.
I dont have any idea what to say.
Fuck.

I'm terrible at giving advice or making people feel better.
Fuck.
------
Its one of those nights.
I cant sleep.
I cant stop thinking.

fuck fuck fuck.
I miss him so much.
Its been 5 and a half months.
Why do I still miss him so much?

I still love him more than anything and anyone. And as hard as I try to hate him, I just cant. not forever.
"And if the world were ending would you kiss me or just leave me?"
I miss everything about him.
I miss hugging him.
I miss the feel of his ribs against mine. His pelvis against mine.
His kisses, his laugh.
The dumb dumb way he dresses.
His stupid glasses.
His mood swings.
His stupid poofy hair.
His way of making me feel amazing. How every fear and worry and care I had would just dissolve.
How I would d anything for him, even recover.

Someone tagged a picture of him and his new gf on facebook. thats what started it.
I dont know. I dont know what to do.
This shouldnt be so fucking HARD. God damn it.

god.
fucking.
damn it.

I honestly dont know what im doing without him.
He was my best friend.
Im lost.
Im confused.
Im hurt.

I hurt. So goddamn much. still.
This is unbearable for me.

Does he think about me? Does he see something that reminds him of me?
Does he miss me? Does he second guess things? Does he regret what hes done?


This is us. At this point in our relationship, things were rocky, and I was trying as hard as I could to keep everything together.
This picture hurts. it stings. It tears at old ancient wounds.
You can see how im on my tiptoes, and how were both smiling. and how tight im holding on, like i never want to let go.
I feel old.

I dont want to let go. I want to hold on tight and cry into his shoulder and have me tell me he loves me and everything will be okay again.
I want everything to be okay again. 

God. I feel like shit.
I just feel terrible.
My food intake was at a reasonable level today. I didnt binge. I felt okay. Now? I feel terrible. I feel like th fattest thing in the world.

The thing that tore me the most? It wasn't him getting with my best friend after. It wasn't seeing all the things he wrote to her or their gaggy facebook convos.
It wasnt even the thought of him not being there to hold me anymore, but that was a big one. It wasnt him not being there anymore, or not having anyone to talk to about anything.

It was when he said to me, "I just don't love you like that anymore."

"I dont love you."

He doesnt love me.

Im alone.

UGH. God damn it.
just... fuck. No words.
Out of all the people who have made me feel like shit, this man tops it all. But I stilll love him. fuck fuck fuck.
Youre in deep shit, gurrrrrl.

Yeah. Im in this deep, all right.

I just feel lost and alone. I need somethig to anchor me here.

Im tired.
Im tired of being hurt and humiliated and fat and just gross.
I'm tired of being lost and alone.
Im just tired.

Maybe this is why I keep going with my ed.
I have to show him how fucked I am.
How lost and confused I am.
How much I need help. Not just from anyone. From him.

It's my way of crying for help I'll never get. Not from him. Not anymore.

Silent. 

Tired tired tired. Everything Down here floats.

Got crossfaded last night. Interesting. It was a pretty fun night though. [Even though I felt like shit this morning]

It was me, Jojo, Delphine, Irene, and Nora. Haha
Irene had a trucker hat that said "Fuck Everyone" It was an awesome hat.

Irene was stapling her arm for some reason, so Jojo took it away from her and put it in the microwave so she wouldnt find it. He forgot about it then until later, when he started laughting and said to me, "THE STAPLER IS STILL IN THE OVEN." We both just about died laughing.

Uhm. I dont remmeber a lot. But I know we laughed almost the whole time. Nora puked for a few hours.

Uhmmmm. We didnt have a piece, so we smoked out of an orange. Classy. I know. HAHAHHA


Ate too much. Drank all day.

Got some nice pictures at the party we went to before though. = ]
Afraid to weigh myself.

We all float down here.

We float, we change.

Everything down here floats.

And You'll float too. 

They look better on Flickr, I swear. http://www.flickr.com/photos/smengvall/

My complaining hurts. [Headache]

This will be brief. [Maybe]

I have a headache. It feels like my brain is going to burst horizontally through my frontal and occipital bones.
KA-BAM. There it goessss.

Work sucked today. It was just busy.
But there is a cute guy there named Dan and he's really nice and we were flirting a bit.

I had plans with an old booty call tonight, but he cancelled because he has to get up for work at 4. Its okay in retrospect though, because of thiis GODDAMN HEADACHE. FUCK

I feel nauseous. Maybe its because I just ate some, and havent purged [due to headache, all this revolves around that goddamn it], or maybe it is BECAUSE of the headache.

Cant purge, because I'm afraid of purging the aspirin, and having my headache get worse.


Went tannign a few days ago and burned a little. Got some weird lines, which doesnt make sense becaus eI tan naked... SO I think I was just laying weird. I dont know. Might go again tomorrow.


Yep. Thats right.
I bleach my teeth, lighten my hair, and tan. Typical.

I need to paint my toes yet too. And fix my jelly shoes. And resew one of the straps on my tanktop. UGH SO MUCH TO DO.

Hanging out with a few old friends tomorrow night hopefully. They are the people I first got drunk with. Cute. Anyway, if we can aquire enoough booze we'll drink then.


Crazy coincidence. [PT reference]
I was at work and thought somone said "What ever happened to that Sarro chick?" But he really said sarah. Hahah
Then someone on facebook posted a picture of their new guitar which they named Xander [James Watson's old Alias]
It was just strange that I ran across TWO PT references in 12 hours. It doesnt happen all that often.

Uhm.
Agenda for tomorrow.
Wake up.
Tan?
Go to an old family friend's house. Drink there a bit.
Go to hang out with Jordann and old friends from high school. If that falls through, then Jojo and I might go out clubbing.
Hum hum hum. We'll see.

Headache is abating. 

I'm on the edge of glory

And also a proud owner of Lady Gaga's Born This Way. = ]

http://www.flickr.com/photos/smengvall/5757649918/

First day off work in 8 days. We had a work meeting today. LKFHS:H
I have tomorrow off though. I went on a walk with a girl from work named Andrea, who I work with. She's pretty overweight, but very nice. I tooka  lot of flower pics.
Then my sister and I went shopping, and I got two new shirts and a sundress.
Back of one

 Front of oneee

I dont know how I feel about the sundress. It shows too much of my super fat legs. [I'm not being modest. They really ARE huge. Don't say they arent, because that will just piss me off.]
So I might not end up actually wearing it for a while.

I'm afraid to weigh myself.

I'm buying TurboFire on thurday. My sisters want to do it with me [Thank god]
They need it WAY more than I do, plus it will be extra motivation.