I'm on the edge of glory

And also a proud owner of Lady Gaga's Born This Way. = ]

http://www.flickr.com/photos/smengvall/5757649918/

First day off work in 8 days. We had a work meeting today. LKFHS:H
I have tomorrow off though. I went on a walk with a girl from work named Andrea, who I work with. She's pretty overweight, but very nice. I tooka  lot of flower pics.
Then my sister and I went shopping, and I got two new shirts and a sundress.
Back of one

 Front of oneee

I dont know how I feel about the sundress. It shows too much of my super fat legs. [I'm not being modest. They really ARE huge. Don't say they arent, because that will just piss me off.]
So I might not end up actually wearing it for a while.

I'm afraid to weigh myself.

I'm buying TurboFire on thurday. My sisters want to do it with me [Thank god]
They need it WAY more than I do, plus it will be extra motivation.

Fasting fasting fasting.

Fasting next two days with RisingBurningPhoenix.
I dont think it will be bad.

But it might.
I binged on cereal before work [600 cals maybe? A tiny one, but I didnt purge] and I still ended up getting really bad shakes.
It was pretty bad. It was getting hard to work, and I almost said something to a manager, but I just had some lemonade and a small glass of diet coke instead, and had someone take over for me for a bit.
I had coffee on break, so that might have been it, too.

However, I think I can handle not binging.
Sleep until 230-3 ish.
Then I work 4-1AM tomorrow [today] and I have several [RAPTURE] party options for after. lol.
Sleep until 3-315 ish.
Work 4-1 again. and then sleep right away maybe?
Ill probably fast through monday, too, and binge/purge  monday night/tuesday morning.
I work on monday from 3-1.

So. I think it's possible.
I'm allowing limitless water, and diet coke, with 50 cals of other liquids a day.
So. That could be 25 servings of lemonade.
Or about HALF a serving of chocolate soy milk. lol.
I'll probably do the soy milk.
Or I might run to the store and get a gatorade for nutrients or something.
We'll see.

I can do this.
I need to get back on track.

This is disgusting and terrible.

ugh.



Wait.
Shit.
Hum.

I might get drunk at one of the rapture parties.
I dont know if im gonna count that or not.
Probably not.
I might just drink till I puke.
I dont know.
I'll take it as it comes. 

Legit

Sixbillionsecrets.com
Go.

Started cutting/bruising pretty bad again.
Bruising more so than cutting.

Did pretty good today [until now]
A total of 70 cals [not including now].

Apple fries from Burger King [25]
Pickles with ketchup [25]
2 onion rings [20]

Then I came home and had a light binge. I'll actually list it so you can have an idea of what a binge is for me.
1.5 cups pasta and marinara [300?]
2 vegan chick'n patties [320, 160 each]
4 slices of white bread [80 each, total of 320]
2tbs of ketchup [20]
1 cup of fruity pebbles [150]
with light vanilla soy milk [25]
1/2 cup of cinnamon toast crunch [100]
A can of Amy's vegetable barley soup [140]
3 vegan choc chip cookies [120 each, 360]
2 carrots [5]
1 tb hummus [20]
1 glass vanilla light soy milk [160]
1.5 cups choc soy milk [160]

Total of:
Too much math.
2080 cals.


2080.

Drinking water now, then to go purge.

Just kidding, I might eat some more.
Maybe.
Hum.
Perhaps.

Nah.

Pictures. Again. ?

I ate a 200 cals of baby carrots this morning. Thats a lot of fucking carrots.
My tummy still hurts 6 hours later. I couldnt figure out what it was at first. Then I realized.

Oh yeah. Its my body trying to digest food.
ugh.
I already feel like today has been a fail day.
Its only 3 pm. But I know im probably gonna binge/purge later tonight.
Damn it damn it damn it.

It was nice out today. My mom had me take pics of her for facebook. Shes terribly unphotogenic.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/smengvall/5734220983/

On another note, my friend posted a few pics of me from when we were drunk at a party.
I really like my hair in this one. = ] Hahah but we [Me and my BFF jordan [jojo]] look ridiculous.
Maybe more later.

----------
Later.
Fuck.
Purged.
Sorry.

I was supposed to be cutting back, but after today... Fuck.

Mom: Pig.
Freshman 15? More like summer 15. You're going to have to go back to college just so you can lose all that weight again.
Piggy.

Little sister: Are you sure you want to be wearing shorts this summer?
Move over, fatass.

Me [gettind pissed after endless comments on my weight]: My BMI is normal. Which is more than any of YOU can say.
Little sister: But is it still? And for how long?

Little brother: You're like TWO of me.

Fuckfuckfuckfuck.

I haven't even GAINED any weight after finals!
Im at this goddamn plateau again.





Freaking out again.
Over weight.
Over school.
Over life.

I dont want to be here.
I dont want.
To be.
Here.

Existing. Fuck. I hate everything right now.
Fasting tomorrow.



Also. I've started binding.
I hate my chest. So I'll bind it down as much as I can.



I havent lost anything.

I saw Dolly [the oh-so-perfect in every way girl who made my life a living hell] yesterday.
The first thing she did was give me a hug and said I looked great.
I don't know when she stopped hating me.
I dont know what happened.

Maybe she finally realized that I didnt do ANYTHING.


Fasting tomorrow. Mayvbe friday. I dont know.




MAYBE fasting.
Im a fucking weak bitch so we'll see what happens. 

The usual.

Binged. Purged. Drank.

I'm sorry.

Realllllllyyyyy shitty day at work. Blah.

My heart hurts. 

Fuck this shit.

I dont know.
I dont know anything.

I dont want to be an adult.
I hate making decisions.

Someone, just decide everything for me.
-----
I cried for a while.
I feel a bit better.
----
Binged. Again.

Fuck this. Fuck everything.
I dont wanna purge.
I have a headache.

Im hot.
Im cold.


Going to go purge.
-----
Not gonna do it.

Fuck this shit.
Im sick of it.
My teeth hurt.
My tummy hurts.

My fucking TEETH.

I'm done with this bulimia shit.
Fuck it.

Anti binge.
Nope.
I'm done. 

"Wanna listen to the king? You look like an Elvis fan."

I fricken love that movie.

In the past 2 days, I've erased a week of progress.
Fuckshitbitchtits.

Damn.
Oh well.
I have the next 3 days off [after today, and SUPPOSEDLY], so I can get a lot of working out done.
I'm pretty excited.
Lady Gaga's Judas video dance looks pretty intense.

Even if I dont meet mt GW by June 1 [or even 11], I think I might have some legit abs by then.
Maybe.

Probably not.
Why am I still writing?

Oh yeah.

I found out that the less time I have to purge, the more I can't purge.
I tore up my throat pretty bad last night.
and I only got up a tiny bit.
Damn.
Fasting for a few days so it can heal. 

I'll die for you, Ill die for you, I'll die for you. [More picture vomit]

Blogger is working again. 

Finally.
Christ.

I don't want a relationship with anyone.

They hurt too much.

Its not worth it.

I dont need it.

I can't do it.

I'm afraid.

I had a dream yesterday that has just been bugging me ever since. It was about my ex. Of course.

He wanted to get back together. Again. Kind of.

He was still with the bitch he is with now, but he said in the dream that he was confused, that he still loved me. We had sex. It wasn't hot sex, it was just sad. And the fact that he was cheating and didnt care bugged me. We went and had breakfast the morning after. We cuddled all night. It was terrible.

I dont knowww. It just bugs me.

5 months.

And it still hurts.

It hurts so much.

I want him back.

I never want to see him again.

I want to feel how his arms felt around me.

I want to forget.

I never want to forget.

Weight slowly climbing back down.

Quiet little voices creep into my head

I'm young again, I'm young again, I'm young again, I'm young again

Quiet little monsters creep into my bedroom wall..

Quiet words of wisdom creep into your victims ears.

I'll die for you, I'll die for you, I'll die for you..

[Quiet Little Voices, by We were Promised Jetpacks]

------

I ate way too much today. 

It was just a shitty day in general. 

[Drunk right now] 

I woke up too early because my sisters kidnapped me. 

Had an iced caramel coffee at the place I used to work [350 cals? 400? idk] 

Watched sailor moon with them for a few hours. AWESOME. I regret nothing. 

Went to work. Super busy. It was hell. 

Partying plans were cancelled. Drank alone. 

Havent eaten in a while, so it only took me a little bit to get drunk. As I am now. 

I had too many fries, a veggie burger, and an apple pie piece. 

Too many cals.
And I'll prolly binge in a bit. I want to stay drunk for a while. 

I was talking to my best friend last night. 

He isn;t going to my college next year. 

Long story short [because I dont really want to write much more], I'm not going back either. 

I'm going to a technical college that is $30,000/year cheaper. 

I'm really going to miss the people there. Like, a lot. 

Like, way too much. We'll still come back to visit. 

As of right now, we are planning to get an apartment together for the year at least, if not more. We found a really nice one that is about halfway between our colleges. 

Our colleges are a mile apart.
In the cities, its not bad. 

Anyway, I'm sorry. 

I feel bad. 

I dont want to leave everyone there, but the only reason I went there is because thats where my ex was going. 

He doesn't control my life anymore. 

Much. 

Picture timeeeee = ]

 Found via Got2Purge

Found via Gabby

Going to Prom?

I guess I am. Its next saturday.
Restricted so far today.

I'm back to my old pattern. Its comforting I guess.
Fast all day and then binge/purge at night.

It comforts me. I like the pattern.
I keep getting scheduled 4-1AM for work. Thats good, because I tend to binge the most from 8-1. GOOD GOOD.

Also, getting internet on thursday. lol FINALLY. My mom finally caved because she needs to look for a new job.
Our rent went up $250/ month. We definately can't afford that.
Sigh. Looks like I'm helping to pay rent again.

Weight going down. Steadily.

I dont know about prom anymore. Mykell doesnt want to go.
BLAH.

It's hot. And humid.
Mostly humid.

Its making me cranky.


Oh. And also, men-wise.
Last time I posted/drank, we ended up playing truth or dare again. This one guy Ive know for a while, chris, was there.
Well in the course of the game I was left wearing only a thong [white with pink lace... could have been worse I GUESS... Ugh] and a lavender tank top. GROSS.

He texted me the next morning after I left and said "Hey there, I didnt say anything before, but cute thong and nice ass"
Thanks?

And then there is this guy I work with, Nate, who [small world] was the 1st chair trombone in my jazz band in middle school. He was like a music god. I dont know if he remembers me. Hes very nice. Low key flirting.
I walked home from work, and he actually drove by me.

I freaked out for a minute. It was like 1 AM first of all. Second, he drives a Ford Taurus, black. The same car my ex drove.

My heart stopped. I swear. He asked me if I wanted a ride because I was "really freaking him out." lol. Cute.

Then, Ive been reading too much stephen king I think, but I turned a dark corner, and I thought "We all float down here." [An It reference]

Hum hum hum.
I'm taking pictures again. kinda. Promising maybe? We'll see.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/smengvall/5708075739/in/photostream

Cal intake under 1000 today. 

-----

Gorged on Mashed potatoes. Idk what my cals are at. Still htink Im okay if i can manage to NOT fuck up [Hard, I know.] 

It's hailing and there is a tornado warning. So I'll be staying here for a bit I think. 

The sky was greenish, not its just an odd yellow.

Hail was golf ball sized. It was pretty crazy. I threw a few over the house. Hah. 

I wish I brought my camera. 

Hail! 

PT wants to move to a new site. 

I dont know. It scares me. I hate the idea.

Starting over. New things. 

I dont know. It just wouldnt be PT anymore.