I give up

What is the point of even going to class. I'm just basically taking generals right now and I was going to go change my major on Friday anyway.

I'm failing math right now anyway so I'm not even going to go. If they don't kick me out then I'll take that as a sign. Every day I have class I get about four hours of sleep, then I have to go work an eight hour shift and I'm so goddamn fucking tired. 

I wanted to go for tax prep, and to get a job at h&r block you have to go take a class anyway. So I may as well just take the class and skip all the school bullshit. But I'm already more than $20,000 in debt so I may as well get something out of it. Or I could quit while I'm still in the 5 digit numbers. 

I'm so tired I just can't do it

Why bother

Fuck it fuck it fuck it

And what are the odds that I'm going to a) actually get a job in my field and b) get a job that pays enough more than the $13.27 I'm getting right now.

Not that good

Three hours of sleep.

So sleepy. It's so hard sleeping alone, especially when youre used to sleeping next to someone. 

This quarter im taking a math class,Professional communications II, and composiition. I just registered for next quarter: Spanish I (online) business ethics (online) and business law. Its 13 credits, more than full time, and im working  6 days/48 hours a week. I work third shift (11 pm to 7 am)  and my classes are 6 to ten. thats like 6 AM.

ive had so much damn coffee, but im still falling asleep. 

I also set an appointment with the chair head. Im an accounting major right now but I dont know if thats what i really want. 

An update: this should have posted a week ago.

School is slowly killing me. 

I feel like I'm regressing to the state I was in a few years ago. Some days are easy, some not so easy. It's a not so easy week. 

I'm just tired. I'm always tired. My back is killing me like hella. It's this scoliosis junk. I should see a chiropractor. I should be doing homework that's due in two hours. But like usual I'm not going to do it until after it's due and I'll continue to drown in this mountain of burdens. 

I started my blog February, 2011, after a particularly hard break up. Since then, my low weight has been 140.2, my high weight has been 188, but averages around 163. I've been suicidal, I've self harmed, I've purged blood, I've pulled until I had a nosebleed. 

I've been in three steady relationships since then. I dropped out of college, I've reenrolled in college, I've moved in with a boyfriend, I had a different one move in with me. 

Right now, I just got back from a cruise to the Bahamas. I've been saving for this for a year now. We flew from Minnesota to New Orleans, then took off and spent a day in the Florida keys, Nassau, and another day on a private Caribbean island. It was a nice break. It wasn't so much as getting a break though it was more like pausing my life for a week, fast forwarding to summer, then jumping back to the sub zero Minnesota winter. 

Anyway, to update:

I am sylvia. I am 21 years old and a vegetarian. I blog a lot. I work at a place where we manufacture atv/UTV roofs and doors for places like John Deere, Polaris, and arcticat. I make cupcakes for everyone's birthdays. I work the third shift (11 pm to 7 am) and I work six days a week. I make 13.27/hr, which is a lot better than the 9 I was making in fast food. I have class 3 days a week from 6 to 10 pm.

I have 7 tattoos; one on each collarbone, one on my shoulder, one on each foot, one on the back of my neck, and one on my arm. 

I've been dating a man, Sean, for more than a year now. He is 28 next month and I love him. He wants to get engaged before the end of this year. He's not a child like all the other men I've dated. We're moving in together later in the spring. I would marry him if he asked me to. I think I'm ready for it. We wouldn't get married until 2015, so I would be 23, and my mom pretty much stopped having kids by then. 

I'm like an adult and junk now, and I'm finally getting my life together. 

Some days it's harder than other, and some days it's not so hard. 

I'm so tired

I'm going back to school full time and I'm working full time and I don't know how much longer I can do this. 

I'm tired. 

So tired. 

I'm going for accounting and I still have like, 3 and a half years left. I've barely made it half a year. 

What's the goddamn point. It's just useless. It's so hard and I just can't do it. 

Ive got to tap out. 

My back hurts so badly. My body hurts all over. I'm so tired. 

So tired. 

I just had four days off for thanksgiving and it wasn't enough. 

So tired. 

School is such a waste of time. Such a waste of money. What the hell am I doing and what is the point. 

I don't care. 

I'm too tired. 

Master of puppets, youre pulling the string

My phone synced with something and added a bunch of pictures from my  blogger, so I was looking through them and oh boy.

I thought I was  triggered before.

It had a bunch of thinspo on there, but more importantly, pictures of me at my low weight. Good ones.

Ugh oh my  god that was thirty lbs ago and I would literally kill for that. And in those I'm wearing the bracelets I wore when I cut a lot.

So thats triggering too. I'm thinking about making new ones.

I haven't purged in like two months, but holy shit I forgot how  badly I  wanted this. How bad I need this.

I want to push everyone away from me. I want an apartment I dont have to share. But I need a car first. Ugh seriously I'm.21 in like two months and I still have no car. Woooow.

I'm stuck  at the same weight I always get stuck on. Its so frustrating.
I miss the way my jeans didn't dig into my fat. I miss how loose they would get.

Fuck I need to pull myself together.

Well fine fuck you

Dont  forget, you were the one who broke up with me. you were the one that moved out. I just didn't take you back and that  makes me the villian? Thats bullshit and you KNOW it.

I'm the bitch? I've been completely passive this whole time. I've left you alone because I know its for the best in the long run. youre just a spoiled child. Thats what our whole relationship was. It was just me  taking care of a rich mommas boy and failing at it over and over again.

Nothing I ever did was right or good enough. I worked too much  even though I was the one paying for everything. We had sex too much then not enough. I didn't do this  enough and I should  have done that more.  I didn't dress up enough but I dressed up for stupid things. I  wore too much  makeup or not enough.

I'm fucking sick of being treated like its my job to take care of these needy fucking bitch men. Its not fair to me. Who the hell  takes care of me? Fuck, I can't even take care of me, obviously my  bodys a fucking wreck, just like I am.

But its fine you know. I'll just sit back and take the blame for everything, just like always. Stupid silly girl. Sit back and take it like the bitch you are. Then smile like nothing is  wrong and pretend to care about everyone elses shit.

But god  forbid anyone take care of me. Its too much to fucking ask for someone to pay attention to me, give me a little time out of their day,  maybe ask how mine was but actually care.

Hurt

This weekend was my 21st birthday. I had fun overall but the after math is messy. 

The thing I was looking forward to the most was a romantic, candle lit dinner with the man I love. I went to get a new tattoo first, and It took a  lot longer than expected. 

My boyfriend was mad because I missed it he said. He said everything was ruined and it was all my fault. So I went to go over anyway and he told me to go home. 

So I missed the most important thing all weekend. No dinner. No candles. No flowers. No crappy horror movies. 

Instead, I laid in bed and cried. And cut. For the first time in a really, really long time. 

He made me go to a party, and we argued and made up and got drunk. My friends took me home and we continued the weekend we had planned. 

So I went to my man's this morning and he had something to tell me. This girl we work with  was flirting and talking to him all night and he almost kissed her, but she stopped him. then he took her back to his place where he said she just slept on the couch. 

I have a right to be hurt though, yeah? I feel betrayed. I know he didn't actually do anything but it's still shitty. I asked him why and he said he was drunk and mad at me. 

I should be mad, right?  It's bullshit that I didn't get to come over and have a nice birthday dinner, but some other woman did?  And like everyone at work knows about it, too. A couple people are betting on whether or not they slept together. 

I already told him I was  mad and that we needed to talk later, but I don't know if I'm going to talk to that girl too.  I thought she was cool before and now I just hate her guts.  she said she's been with this guy for two years but my boyfriend said he thinks she's single and just lying. 

I don't know. I'm just upset. 

Omfg

Youre so perfect I can't even take it.
I'm such a potato.

You dont even realize how completely flawless you are.

I dont deserve this

Typical

I'm the other girl. I'm always the other girl. Never the first choice. Im  always the girl someone just settles for. I should be used to it by now.

this is why I should never fucking get attached. This is what happens. Every. Damn. Time.  I'm too fucking naive. I trust people too easily and it bites me in the ass every time.

I get hurt over and over and over again. I knew I should have stepped away. I knew I should have backed off as soon as he told me there was another girl.  Fuck, I'm stupid.

I got attached anyway and look where I am now. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I thought he was different, and he is, thats what makes everything awful.

He proved that not all guys are the same. he proved that some guys are just genuinely nice. And I lost it.

I'm not going to be that girl. I'm not going to make him choose between us, because thats not fair. Maybe things could be different if he didn't have a child with her. Maybe then things would be different. Maybe then.

shes a bitch. Thats what I honestly think, and I think he deserves better. But I'm not going to poison him against her. Thats not fair. If he decides he didn't  want to be ruth get, then fine, but I'm not going to encourage him otherwise. Too many guys have done that too me (phil), and I'm not going to be like that. I can't do it.

I'll be the bigger person and let it lie, as much as it hurts me to do so.

God damn it. This is why I can't get attached.

This is why I need to stop being so god damn stupid.

He looks so sad, it breaks my heart. Well, even more. It shouldn't be this god damn hard. Its not fair.

Its not fair that someone so perfect can come into my life when I need him most, and then leave as soon as I'm attached. Its not fair.

I need to cut. Really badly. I can feel myself panicking and about to cry.

I can't do this. I can't work with him and keep my focus. It wont work. I've already started fucking up.

I'm never changing who I am

I dont want to be with her.
I dont want to do anything with her.
I honestly dont think shes as great as you say.

I dont want her to feel left out.
I dont want to feel like a second choice. Like the other girl.

I dont want her to feel like the only reason youre staying with her is the baby.
I dont want you to leave her.
I dont want you to leave me.
I dont want you to leave your family.
I dont want to share you.

I dont know if I can share you.

I just want things to be simple.
Things would be much more simple if I didn't feel.
Things would be simpler if you were an ass.

Things would be simpler if I was thinner.
Things would be simpler if I threw up anything I managed to eat.
Things would be simpler if I lived alone.
Things would be simpler if I was skinnier than her.

Things would be simpler if I was prettier than her.

Things would be simpler if I was the girl you thought I was.