Well fine fuck you

Dont  forget, you were the one who broke up with me. you were the one that moved out. I just didn't take you back and that  makes me the villian? Thats bullshit and you KNOW it.

I'm the bitch? I've been completely passive this whole time. I've left you alone because I know its for the best in the long run. youre just a spoiled child. Thats what our whole relationship was. It was just me  taking care of a rich mommas boy and failing at it over and over again.

Nothing I ever did was right or good enough. I worked too much  even though I was the one paying for everything. We had sex too much then not enough. I didn't do this  enough and I should  have done that more.  I didn't dress up enough but I dressed up for stupid things. I  wore too much  makeup or not enough.

I'm fucking sick of being treated like its my job to take care of these needy fucking bitch men. Its not fair to me. Who the hell  takes care of me? Fuck, I can't even take care of me, obviously my  bodys a fucking wreck, just like I am.

But its fine you know. I'll just sit back and take the blame for everything, just like always. Stupid silly girl. Sit back and take it like the bitch you are. Then smile like nothing is  wrong and pretend to care about everyone elses shit.

But god  forbid anyone take care of me. Its too much to fucking ask for someone to pay attention to me, give me a little time out of their day,  maybe ask how mine was but actually care.

Hurt

This weekend was my 21st birthday. I had fun overall but the after math is messy. 

The thing I was looking forward to the most was a romantic, candle lit dinner with the man I love. I went to get a new tattoo first, and It took a  lot longer than expected. 

My boyfriend was mad because I missed it he said. He said everything was ruined and it was all my fault. So I went to go over anyway and he told me to go home. 

So I missed the most important thing all weekend. No dinner. No candles. No flowers. No crappy horror movies. 

Instead, I laid in bed and cried. And cut. For the first time in a really, really long time. 

He made me go to a party, and we argued and made up and got drunk. My friends took me home and we continued the weekend we had planned. 

So I went to my man's this morning and he had something to tell me. This girl we work with  was flirting and talking to him all night and he almost kissed her, but she stopped him. then he took her back to his place where he said she just slept on the couch. 

I have a right to be hurt though, yeah? I feel betrayed. I know he didn't actually do anything but it's still shitty. I asked him why and he said he was drunk and mad at me. 

I should be mad, right?  It's bullshit that I didn't get to come over and have a nice birthday dinner, but some other woman did?  And like everyone at work knows about it, too. A couple people are betting on whether or not they slept together. 

I already told him I was  mad and that we needed to talk later, but I don't know if I'm going to talk to that girl too.  I thought she was cool before and now I just hate her guts.  she said she's been with this guy for two years but my boyfriend said he thinks she's single and just lying. 

I don't know. I'm just upset. 

Omfg

Youre so perfect I can't even take it.
I'm such a potato.

You dont even realize how completely flawless you are.

I dont deserve this

Typical

I'm the other girl. I'm always the other girl. Never the first choice. Im  always the girl someone just settles for. I should be used to it by now.

this is why I should never fucking get attached. This is what happens. Every. Damn. Time.  I'm too fucking naive. I trust people too easily and it bites me in the ass every time.

I get hurt over and over and over again. I knew I should have stepped away. I knew I should have backed off as soon as he told me there was another girl.  Fuck, I'm stupid.

I got attached anyway and look where I am now. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I thought he was different, and he is, thats what makes everything awful.

He proved that not all guys are the same. he proved that some guys are just genuinely nice. And I lost it.

I'm not going to be that girl. I'm not going to make him choose between us, because thats not fair. Maybe things could be different if he didn't have a child with her. Maybe then things would be different. Maybe then.

shes a bitch. Thats what I honestly think, and I think he deserves better. But I'm not going to poison him against her. Thats not fair. If he decides he didn't  want to be ruth get, then fine, but I'm not going to encourage him otherwise. Too many guys have done that too me (phil), and I'm not going to be like that. I can't do it.

I'll be the bigger person and let it lie, as much as it hurts me to do so.

God damn it. This is why I can't get attached.

This is why I need to stop being so god damn stupid.

He looks so sad, it breaks my heart. Well, even more. It shouldn't be this god damn hard. Its not fair.

Its not fair that someone so perfect can come into my life when I need him most, and then leave as soon as I'm attached. Its not fair.

I need to cut. Really badly. I can feel myself panicking and about to cry.

I can't do this. I can't work with him and keep my focus. It wont work. I've already started fucking up.

I'm never changing who I am

I dont want to be with her.
I dont want to do anything with her.
I honestly dont think shes as great as you say.

I dont want her to feel left out.
I dont want to feel like a second choice. Like the other girl.

I dont want her to feel like the only reason youre staying with her is the baby.
I dont want you to leave her.
I dont want you to leave me.
I dont want you to leave your family.
I dont want to share you.

I dont know if I can share you.

I just want things to be simple.
Things would be much more simple if I didn't feel.
Things would be simpler if you were an ass.

Things would be simpler if I was thinner.
Things would be simpler if I threw up anything I managed to eat.
Things would be simpler if I lived alone.
Things would be simpler if I was skinnier than her.

Things would be simpler if I was prettier than her.

Things would be simpler if I was the girl you thought I was.

Anxiety

I feel claustrophobic. I feel suffocated and like I can't breathe.

My clothes are all too tight.

God, I'm stupid.

I just dont have words right now.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I'm  already fucking everything up. Of course.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

This is why I can't care. This is why I should end this. But then he smiles at me and I just melt and I  forget all the reasons why I had doubts.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Its been a while. Again.

Long story short, phil is an ass. I should have realized, I should have been less naive. Stupid, silly girl.

I'm falling for someone else, and phil is pissed. I haven't heard from him in two weeks. Fine then, be that way.

But I can't do this again.  I can't let myself feel again. I can't get hurt again. Hes got a family, a fiancee, a 3 month old daughter. I'm not going to break up a family. If it comes to me or his family, I won't let him choose me.

I can't do this. I dont deserve it. I dont deserve to be happy, or to have someone so nice to me. I deserve someone awful.

Why won't my body and my soul listen to my brain? I'm just confused and hurt and I ache.

My whole body hurts from working out. My throat hurts from purging. My stomach aches from not eating.

I dont deserve his compliments. I'm a potato. A dog.

Thanksgiving is in like... A week.

And I'm not nearly close to my goal.

Purged today. Purging mozzarella sticks is awful. Just awful. But I can't gain any more weight.

I need to fast. Until like, thanksgiving. That sounds like a  good idea. Unrealistic for my weak, fat ass.

I feel dizzy. Lalala.

I wonder how much of this weekend I can sleep through.

Were going dancing on friday. I'm sober cab this time. Thats okay I guess. Then I won't feel sick and have to eat.

I have to stay strong. I  have to remember how much I want this. How much I need it.

I dont know whats going on.

I dont know what  I want. I dont know who I want. I dont  know where I'm going or how I'm going to get there or what I'm going to do when I get there.

I dont know if I've made the right decisions, or if I'm making awful mistakes.

They say anorexia is a slow form  of suicide. I think thats true.

I'm not going to meet my thanksgiving goal. I'm at 169 right now. Its been a binge weekend. I've purged a few times. Not enough.

Dear lord, I swear, all my family does is eat. I'm going to have to be sleeping all next weekend.

I read john greens the faults in our stars and looking for alaska. They were good.

I never want to eat again.

I dont like relationships, but I dont like being alone.

I can't go out tonight.

I look awful.

I'm such a dog. Disgusting. Awful.
I'll post a picture later.
Edit: I look like a whale.