TWO Posts today?!

I have no class, and no life. Hah.
I keep adding to these. They're never really done until I go to bed for the night, if you haven't noticed.

Anywayyyy. B/P already. It's 12:45. 

Weight this morning: 145.0

After binge: 148.6

After purge: 146.0

Could have been worse. 

I was binging and I saw someone I knew walk in and I just kind of froze. I thought, "he can't see me like this," and almost RAN out of there. It was strange. 

My eyes hurt. 

I think I'm gonna take a nap, then watch Girl, Interrupted, only my favorite movie EVER. 

"Have you ever confused a dream with life?"

"I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. And how you hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing on the inside." 

"It's not FAIR! It's not fucking fair! It's not FAIR. 74 is the perfect weight." 

Actually, I have this book, too. I think I'll read that as well. Then download some music. 

Hm. 

Oh. I was at work, and I dropped a WHOLE CAKE.
It was terrible and unbelievably embarrassing. There was a huge line of people and the all saw it. 

SPLAT. Face down. On the ground. 

Humiliating. I'm so clumsy... Gah.

Why do I even bother posting? I just keepp adding to them until like, 2 in the morning anyway. Hm.

Anyway, if you loved the movie, Girl Interrupted, the book is just as good. It includes more and leaves out some. It's the same and different.

"Twenty aspirin, a little slit alongside the veins of the arm, maybe even a bad half hour standing on the roof: We've all had those."
""Seventy-eight is the perfect weight," said Janet. She'd said the same about eighty-three and seventy nine, though..."
"The meat was bruised, bleeding, and imprisoned in a tight wrapping. And... so was I."
"They are idiot mantras that exist in a prearranged cycle: i'm no good, I'm the Angel of Death, I'm stupid, I can't do anything. Thinking the first thought triggers the whole circuit...   Once, these thoughts must have had a meaning. They must have meant what they said. But repetition has blunted them. They have become background music, a Muzak medley of self-hatred themes."
------
7:32.
Binged. 148.6 [Again? EXACTLY the same? Strange.]
Purged. 145.8.
Good good.

7 day fast starts in 2 days, so I may as well get my binging out of the way now.

I think I'll take another nap.
------
9:39.
Nap didn't work. I might just go to bed early tonight. [Early being like, 12 probably. Hah]
I'm thristy. My hips hurt. I have a headache.
Complaincomplaincomplain.

Hm. Bed soon? we'll see.
---------
ARGH RANT TIME.
There are JUST A FEW members on PT that PISS. ME. OFF.
Argh. Like, really? Just who the FUCK do you think you are?
Fuck you.
Fuck off. 

Philosophical blah blah.

If you switch the letters of "fast" around you get fats. Coincidence? I don't think so. It just tells you not to FUCK up.

Have you noticed hunger takes on certain stages?
1. Yeah, that sounds good, I could eat it.
2. Oh man, I'm hungry. My tummy-box is so grumbly!
3. Fuck I feel like I'm gonna puke.
4. Headaches.
5. EVERYTHING SOUNDS SO GOOD. I WANT TO EAT EVERYTHING EVER.
6. Everything STILL sounds so good, but I know I wouldn't actually eat it and lose control.
7. Empty. Perfect.

Has anyone else noticed this? Or just me?

I don't have class tomorrow. I still have to get up for work though at 630.


LEGIT ACTUAL PHILOSOPHY.
Bonhoeffer:
"The air that we breathe is so polluted by mistrust that it almost chokes us."
"No one is responsible for all the injustice and suffering in the world."
"It is infinitely easier to suffer with others than to suffer alone."


Feminist heartbroken philosophy from one of my favorites, Simone de Beauvoir, and her The Second Sex.
"Even in Russia, women still are women."
"They [women] have no past, no history, no religion of their own."
"Women are not in the wrong when they decline to accept the rules laid down for them, since the men make these rules without consulting them."
"The most sympathetic of men never fully comprehend women's concrete situation."

"The word love has by no means the same sense for both sexes... Man's love is of man's life a thing apart; 'Tis woman's whole existence."
"Even on their knees before a mistress, what they still want is to take possession of her."
"For woman, on the contrary, love is to relinquish everything for the benefit of the master... She will humble herself to nothingness before him. Love becomes for her like a religion..."
"Most women dream of a grand-amour, a soul-searing love."
"They will not yield to a man unless they believe they are deeply loved."

"A woman must have a considerable amount of cynicism, indifference, or pride to regard physical relations as an exchange of pleasure by which each partner benefits equally."
"... It is woman who generally feels that her partner is using her as an instrument. Nothing but high admiration can compensate for the humiliation of an act that she considers a defeat."

"She is seldom wholly satisfied even if she has felt the orgasm, she is not set completely free of the spell of her flesh; her desire continues in the form of affection. In giving her pleasure, the man increases her attachment, he does not liberate her. As for him, he no longer desires her..."
"The center of the world is no longer the place where she is, but that occupied by her lover."
""I am Heathcliffe," says Catherine in Wuthering Heights; that is the cry of every woman in love; she is another incarnation of her loved one, his reflection, his double: she is he. She lets her own world collapse in contingence, for she really lives in his."

"He isn't worth all that love." 
"It is a searing disappointment to the woman to discover the faults, the mediocrity of her idol."
"If he is no longer adored, he must be trampled on."

"In a state of uncertainty, every woman is a rival, a danger. Love destroys the possibility of friendship with other women because the woman in love is shut off in her lover's universe; jealousy increases her isolation..."

"And so, instead of the union sought for, the woman in love knows the most bitter solitude there is."

"... love represents in its most touching form the curse that lies heavily upon woman confined in the feminine universe, woman mutilated, insufficient unto herself."

Nietzsche's The Gay Science.
"[Women's love] is not only devotion, it is a total gift of body and soul, without reservation, without regard for anything whatsoever."
"As for man, if he loves a woman, what he wants is that love from her."

Ecce Homo:
"The perfect woman tears to pieces when she loves."

Soren Kierkegaard's Works of Love:
"Hate is a love which has become its opposite, a ruined love."
"I wonder if a heart torn asunder is stronger than a whole, undivided heart."
"If one were to say, "Either love or die," and thereby signify that life without loving is not worth living, we should say he is absolutely right." 

God damn it.

I'm just so fucking mad.
My internet connection won't work. It works everywhere EXCEPT my dorm hall, and EVERYONE ELSE'S WORKS JUST FUCKING FINE.

Goddamnonofabitchfuckingpieceofshitcuntasswhore.
Fuck.
And Ive been to our tech center 8 times. Literally. Nope.
So I have to use this long cable thigggy that connects to a different network and such and blah. There isnt anything they can do, so I just have to use this huge, bulky vestigial [but not really] piece of shit.

I'm just cranky. At least it works.
And the guy that helped me the first couple of times was really cute. The second one was okay. The third one not so much. And not the last one.

Anyway.
I think I'm gonna go for a 7 day fast next week.
Start Sunday/maybe Saturday. I might be able to sleep through lunch on sunday, then I can use band as an excuse for dinner.
Then Monday I'm "meeting with a classmate to give them details on the class they missed."
Sleeping through dinner on Tuesday.
Dinner with a friend on Weds.
Sleeping thursday.
And then I still need an excuse for friday. I'm thinking I'll be going out to dinner with some clubbies.
Then Saturday I start the 30 hour famine, so that takes care of Saturday/Sunday.

Woo.
145.8 this morning. BLAH.

Had 2 glasses of chocolate soy milk so far. 350 cals[ max, better safe than sorry.]
-------
5:51

Ate. I'm going to go purge. Then I'll probably take a nap.

Remind me to tell you about goddamnfucking elle. Bitch please.
I'l be back laterrr
--------
9:14.

My roommate does this thing where she calls/receives calls on her top bunk while I'm sleeping on my bottom bunk.
Its really annoying. Anyway. Up from my nap.
I didn't purge enough.

I feel MASSIVE. I don't even want to put my weight up right now, and I'm hoping It's mostly liquids I didn't purge.

At dinner, Elle kept looking at my plate. It's not like I had a gross amount of food. It was the same amount of stuff on her plate. [And hers was full of SUPER high cal stuff, PLUS she went back to get a CUP FULL of ice cream, which she then added orange juice too]
She kept peeking over, then she texted my roommate and said to go walk up with her to get dessert.

She was talking about me. Obviously. [Or maybe I'm just being paranoid]
What the FUCK did she have to say that she couldn't say while I was there?
Fucking bitch. God damn it.
Then I went and purged.
She makes me more angry every day.
----------
11:40

Baked lays. fuck my life.
Jordan is bringing them up in an hour.
I wont be able to resist, and I know it.
Fuck.

That 7 day fast is DEFINITELY going to happen.
No exceptions.
-------
1 AM
Just kidding. He never came back.

Which is both good and bad.
Right now I want them sooo fucking bad, I'm pissed.
BUT.
I know that tomorrow, when I have rational thinking back, I'll be glad.

So it's for the best.

I want to eat everything ever right now. I just posted a ton of food porn on PT. Haha
More more more!
Ladies and gents, I'll be there all night.
[Probably not though.]

I have a lot to say today.

And not a lot at the same time.
I'm quite upset, but I have a paper to finish.
BULLET POINTS to I dont forget. Haha.
I wanted to fast today, but thats not going to be possible.
The cute guy I work with is deff NOT going to work out with me. Hah.
The new girlfriend and Prom.
I have a lot of work to do.
Hurt.

More later, as always.
------
Done with paper, but I have to get ready for class soon.

There's this cute guy I work with, and I was kinda hesitant because I thought he might be gay, lol. [He isnt] He's very nice, btu today he said something that made me sure things would NEVER work out. He said, "I love my country, and Fox news."
Fuck that. Haha. And he said that men weren't meant to be gay, and when they drink they revert to their natural state and like women.
Nope.

I wanted to fast today, and I had it all planned, out, but It's not going to be possible because, A) My favorite soup is there today [It's low cal and spicy and delicious. It's basically cabbage soup. Hah] and B) I signed up for a vegetarian cooking class tonight. So much for fasting. Oh well.
BUT. This means I'm goign to have to purge tonight, and I'm a bit hesitant after last time... Oh well. It needs to be done. Especially since I'll have NO IDEA about the cals in everything. I just don't have enough time.
Also, this morning a guy I didn't know started debate with me on atheism. Sigh.

That bitch is coming to my prom. She's also staying with her bf/my ex in his room all weekend.
Gross. Ick. Blahhhhhh
I'm gonna claw her fucking eyes out I swear.

I'm just really upset with her in general. I mean, we used to be BEST FRIENDS. At least I thought so. We have known each other since 2nd grade. Both of our parents are divorced, and we both self harm, went through bad breakups, and went through anorexia/bulimia.

Like, we would be at a party and guard the bathroom door for each other while the other one purged.
And we'd "go out to eat" and just sit there with our diet cokes and talk about how many calories everything had.

I dont know. I'm just upset.
She told my then boyfriend/now ex that I just wanted to go vegan so I'd have an excuse to eat less.
True, but besides the point.

She also told him that I wanted to be 130 lbs, which was less than her [She's pretty tall].
Wrong, I want to be even less than that. I want to be 130 by JUNE. [146.0 this morning, btw]
She said I could never weigh that less, and it doesnt fit my body type.
Well, fuck you. I can do it, watch me.

She told him that I was a bitch and he deserved better.
After all the shit he put me through, REALLY? Fuck.

So.
She will be here not this friday, but next.
138 by then?
Mhmmm.
I BETTER be.
I want her to be jealous. I want HER to be that fat one.

I have more to say, but I have to go now. More later.
-------
10:50

Ate way to much. Purged. I didnt see any blood, but I thought I might have tasted a little at first. It was probably just paranoia though. I did gray out a bit, but it passes quickly.

Took a nap.
Woke Up ridiculously thirsty. Drank a low cal gatorade.

I haven't weighted myself because my roommate has been in the room, but she isnt anymore so I might go do that.

I have so much to get done.
I want to be 138 by the time that bitch gets here.
8 lbs in two weeks.
I think Know I can do it.

I forgot I have an archaeology test tomorrow.
My laptop won't connect to the internet.

My ex got his haircut.
It looks dumb.

But it also looks like how his hair was when I first met/fell in love with him.

I shouldnt still hurt so much. It was months ago.
I shouldnt.

I'm done being the hurt one.
I'm sick of it.
Never again.

My hips hurt.

So I chose to wear the pants that rub against them the most.
That is all.

Also. 147 this morning. It could be worse.

I'm tired.
Control starts again today, but even stricter.

One more thing. Supersize vs. Superskinny has me hooked. Haha My roommie was watching it with me and I made everything sound completely normal. She thought it was really interesting, too.
It's soooo good. = ]
-----

So much for fucking control.
I'm pathetic and weak.

Also, I'm starting a forbidden list.
Besides non-vegan things this list is starting out with:
Non diet soda
Cereal
Oreos
and chips [with the exception of Baked lays. Im not ready for that yet.]

I'll add another every week I think.

I'm off to go purge.
------
7 PM

Another first.

I just purged blood.

I'm not too worried, I pretty sure its just a scratch. But it was definitely blood. I should be scared.
I'm just tried.
So tired. And shaking.

I'm going to take a nap.
146.6
-----
11:41 PM.
I just had a packet of Ramen Noodles, uncooked, with no seasoning.
Still about 380 cals.
FUCK.
ARGHFDKJSLGHR
I feel like puking. Again.

I have a paper I have to write. I'm running out of ways to procrastinate. lol

I feel disgusting and pathetic and just ugh.
I want to cry.
I'm so weak. So pathetic. And most of all, fat.

This is NOT okay.

Shameless advertising.

First things first 

I had a threesome last night. It was hot. I'm turning into a whore and I dont even care. 

WORTH IT. This guy had the biggest dick I've had yet. Haha. And the other chick was fricken INSANE. Hot.

Did a photoshoot today. I'm a terrible model, so I have no idea how it went. I really want to take my camera out now, though. Hah. 

Fasted today. 

SPEAKING OF FASTING. 

Nothing puts me off eating like world hunger. 

Seriously. That's probably part of the reason my anorexia side got so bad. 

I think, "why eat when there are CHILDREN starving?" It makes me sick. Honestly. My stomach twists up and I just want to yell at everyone I see eating. 

So. There is a group called World Vision. They have a program called the 30 Hour Famine. You don't eat for 30 hours to raise awareness and money for starving children. 

30 Hours seems a little ridiculous to me. I fast that much every week. Hah. Simple. Easy. Which is why it's strange to see all these people whining about how hard it is, and how dangerous and such. 

-shrugs-

ANYWAY. By donating just ONE dollar, you can help feed a child for a whole day. 

You can't even buy a Diet coke with that. 

Help out? = ]

http://support.worldvision.org/site/TR/30HourFamine/30HourFamine?px=1161839&pg=personal&fr_id=1310

I sound like an alcoholic.

Jeeze. Oh well.
I drank again last night [and going to tonight, too]. It's college. What can I say? Haha
Anywayyy. I had a blast. Everything was the funniest thing in the world.

But... I ate WAY too much. And I don't even remember eating. I just thought, "Well, I already fucked up today. Fuck it."

147 this morning. UGHHHH
Bruised some more.
Slept through lunch.

I'm off to go cleannn.
-------------
5:30
I just talked to my grandmother on facebook. She said something about how she was talking to a coworker, Cindy, and Cindy said she talked to me at the Swing Dance a few weeks ago [true] and she didn't recognize me at first, because of how much weight ive lost. Then my grandmother said "She said you looked really good..."
Uh-oh. DIVERSION. I asked her about quilting. Haha
----------
8:03.
Binged. Purged. Done.
My eyes hurt. I'm tired. My head hurts. I'm afraid I'm getting dehydrated. I just feel like shit.
------
11:05
This might be the first night Ive puked from drinking.
Might be for the best. Especially after how much Ive eaten.
Maybe puking Peanut butter after drinking isnt as bad as self inducing it.

Binge. Purge. Repeat.

Woke up this morning. [Had some cereal Haha FRIDAY.] 144.6 lbs.
Before dinner: 145.0
Ate dinner/binged. 148.6
Shower/ Purged. 145.2.
I can handle that I think.

Everyone is going to some concert thing tonight. I'm not. I don't want to. I think I'll take a nap.
First, I have to get booze out of my roomies car. Gettin' CRUNKKK tonight.
G isn't going. Blahhh. I texted him. Humiliating. bahhh
I'm done. I give up on trying.

I binged on way too much tonight. Ugh. I'm not even going to list it or ATTEMPT to count it. Nope.
I'm fat and disgusting. Bleck.

I'm pretty confident that my best friend knows. He knows Ive had problems before, and I think he suspects again.
He pushed that energy bar on me last night. Today, he gave me breaded mushrooms. FUCK.

I need to get really drunk tonight. No boundries. Hah.

Hungry/Boys Boys Boys/Whine.

My room smells like the yummiest noodles in the world, and I have a bag of rice cakes right next to me.
I want them sooooo bad.

I can do this. I can resist.
Strong, empty, perfect.
------
I'm going clubbing on friday, so maybe I can get some of my whoreish makeout/grind on.
Thennn... Someones roomie is going home for the weekend, so PARTYIN PARTYIN YEAH.
And hopefull we can get G/Jockomo to come. :D
I WOULD BE SO HAPPY.
AND I WOULD TOTALLY TAP THAT.
But really. It's been too long since I've had any sexual relations [With men. There was that woman I talked about last month].  And I've defffff known this guy long enough to give him a beeje [Blow job]. I totally would, and I want to very much. = ]
I HOPE HE COMES. :DDDD
Also. I just made another two bracelets. Thats 5 total. Another 2 more maybe? Not tonight though.
------
Noon.
I'm so hungry. My head hurts. I have cramps. I feel like I'm gonna puke.
I can't eat. I can't do it.
I weighed 145.0 this morning.
------
2:45.
My first class sucked. Waste of time, and I hate it so much. Today was one of those days where I just wanted to say "fuck this" and walk out. I wanted to argue with EVERYTHING my teacher said, regardless of whether or not it was true.
I'm cranky.
I'm hungry. After my first class, I pretty much ran out of there because I felt like shit.
So I went down to our dining center and head 2 glasses of chocolate soy milk. 300 cals. On top of the juice I had this morning.
So I havent even eaten and I've had like, 450 [max?] calories.
FUCK.
And my second class was cancelled, so I could have just gone home instead of drinking like a cow.


Oh. And I just go an email saying I didnt get the student manager position I was interviewed for.
If my ex did, and I didnt...
ASS WILL BE KICKED.
-----
6:41.
I cant decide if I should purge or not. I had another salad for dinner, but I also DRANK a lot of cals today, and had more hummus on my salad than normal. Hm.
I PROBABLY should, actually. Hm. I think I will after I'm done ranting here.

I'm fat and unattractive and no one wants me.
G doesn't want me, of course. He STILL hasn't talked to me. Nothing. I really want to hang out with him this weekend, but I'm really afraid that I'm going to come off as needy. ARGHHHH I hate texting people first. And just texting in general. Why not just talk to me? Fuck.

I'm fat and gross. Fatty fatty gross-o. Ick. Purge. Mhmmm. It's for the best.
Then maybe I can be the pretty girl he deserves.
-------
7:35.
I didn't purge, like, anything. Nothing would come up. Just acid, which I HATE purging. Ugh.
I can't even do this right.
And I just found out I have a 4 page research paper due tomorrow. Fuck. I should get started.
-----
9:05.
I want a sandwich.
Fucking paper.
------
10:12.
i just had a rice cake. 80 more cals to my already shit day.
I know it sounds pathetic, but i want to cry.
then eat the rest of the bag.
I'm so goddam weak and fat and pathetic and sad.
And mostly weak.
----
I need to plan a binge/purge. Monday would work, but tomorrow would be preferable. We'll see, I guess.
-----
10:30
Fucking binged.
salad: 200
rice cakes (4): 320
with 2 tbs of peanut butter: 190
soy milk: 300
total: approx 1010.

I'm so fucking pissed at myself right now. And that peanut butter sucked balls.

I want to cry.
-----
11:47.
I literally just cried.
I'm so fucking tired of everything.
I'm just so tired.
------
My friend just pushed a 200 cal energy bar on me. 1210.
Fuck this shit.

Sleepy.

Sorry that last one was so long. I just kept adding to it.
I took some asprin for my headache at like, 1245 last night. Then I realized, oh shit, I havent eaten in 8 hours. I'll probably puke. So I ate a rice cake [80] and some chips I shared with my roomie. [200 max]
Back to sleep.
I woke up again at about 7 AM and I just wanted to die. My tummy hurt so bad. Ugh. I ended up falling back asleep sitting up in my bed corner, curled into a ball. Hah.
I slept for 12-13 hours, but Im still just sooo tired.
I had wanted the whole bag of a rice cake this morning before class [80 cals] to try to stop my nauseous shaking. I feel tired and dizzy and shaky.
I NEED to go to the gym today. Probably after dinner.

Oh. Also. I stepped on the scale after my rice cake.
146.8. I didn't believe it. Literally. I weighed myself 5 times. Literally 5 times in a row. Same thing every time.
Hm.

-------
I ate my salad. 200 cals max. So a total of under 300 today. Acceptable.
But eating didnt change anything. I still feel dizzy and nauseous.
Going to work out at 8. I hope I can get enough shit done and not pass out. That would be awesome.
We'll see.
----------

My new PT profile picture. Haha I thought it was cute. I just get so paranoid with people I don't know.
So here is proof that I am me.
---------
Burned 200 at the gym before I had to stop.
UGH. I'M SO PATHETIC.
Now, I know I could do more.
Even though I don't know if I could without passing out
God, I suck. I took a shower and thought about every physical thing I hated about my body. Ugh.
Why did I stop cutting again?

Oh yeahhhhh. My family. Damn it. If they saw, I dont even know what it would do to them.
My brother might turn out fucked up. He's only 8. He learns by example.
My younger sister would probably start.
My older sister would probably stop eating.
She passed out at school earlier this year because she hadnt eaten in a few days. What did I do? I covered up for her. I consoled my mom and told her I highly doubted it was an ED. I still am not sure why I did that.

Why do I do anything? I don't know.
I don't want to be the one my family looks up to.
I dont want to be the perfect one. The skinniest one. The one with the best grade and the most friends.
Fuck this.
I dont want it.