Quite possibly the best night of my life.

Maybe the worst? haha WORTH IT.
[151.8 this morning. Im pretty proud. 163 on weds.] SO CLOSE TO A NEW TATTOO. IF I even have the money now. Hah.
I might put it off until next paycheck, and get my hair redone and maybe a new piercing instead.

Yesterday I had my salad and an apple, so im guesstimating at 200 cals. Plus I had a sub from Jimmy Johns after the concert, which Im guessing at 700. Still 900, and while high, still acceptable.

AH.
Anyway, we got ready and left for the PANIC AT THE DISCO concert at 2. We got there at three and there was a line of people for about half a block.  A bunch of kids got dropped off by their parents. It was cute. [Not really]
By the time the doors opened [6] we were a hell of a lot closer. And the line went all the way around the block.
It turns out my roommate [who live 8 hours away from me] was going to the concert with her sister! YAY! So I got to see them! :D

I WOULD post pictures of everything, but they wouldnt let me take my camera in! DAMN IT. Probably because I brought my nice one and they thought it was too professional or something. BLAH

Uhm. Lets seee. I bought 2 shirts and found a poster which I took [Hah]. They had 2 bands on before them and they were pretty good.
By the time panic went on [830] everyone was SUPER bashed together. Like, I couldnt move. At all. It was not possible to bash any more people in a tiny area. It was kinda ridiculous.
BUT. We were in the front. And center. Literally, there was ONE person in front of us.
It was so fucking hot, too. EVERYONE was super sweaty. By the time we left, my shirt was completely soaked.

BUT IT WAS SO AMAZING.
However, the lack of food and the heat... I almost passed out a few times. I fell at least twice. And I almost puked once.
STILL WORTH IT.
We went to jimmy johns after for drinks because we were so goddamn thirsty and it was close. Thats where I got my sub...
Hum.
lalala what then...

Then we went home. It was really really cold because we were all wet and it wasnt a thousand degrees outside. And my fatass sister kept talking about how hot it was in the car and kept opening the window.
Bitch, it was fucking freezing. I didnt say anything though.

Im so mad I didnt get any pictures though. WE WERE SO CLOSE. KSKFLDJHDAH
And oh god. Hes sooooooo adorable up close. :D
This is one my sister took. She had a really good one, but hasnt posted it on facebook yet.


I have a few okay ones on my phone. I'll try and post those later.

My older sister [the one who knows about my ed] kept pestering me to get lunch, even though I kept saying I'd eat at this family thing we're going to later, but she insisted. We went to taco Johns. I'm not worried about the taco count, because its all pretty much lettuce anyway [Perks to being vegan]. Im worried about the fricken Oles. Fried potato hell. Damn it. I ate half [so maybe like, 8 oles?] and gave the rest to my sister because they were "too crunchy." DJSKHL Im still upset though.

Hopefully I wont eat much later today. And im not at all tomorrow. So we'll se how this goes.

Oh. And that guy I have the "date" with? He was texting me all night.
"Haha :) u are seriously so cute hahaha"
"I think ur eyes and ur smile is cute :). And no offense I think the cutest of all is wen u mumble wen u get upset ;) hehehe"

This will be interesting.

PANIC PANIC PANIC PANIC

ITS TOMORROW. Well, today.
OMG IM SO EXCITED. :D
Im bringing my camera, even though its in a crowded place in downtown minneapolis, and its worth a lot.
OH WELL. WORTH IT.

IM SO FUCKING EXCITED.
Even though I have to drive. The 40 min drive there, then navigating through the cities. And its my sisters car, which is bigger than mine, and im not used to that.
And even though I hate driving. I'm always super terrified im gonna hit someone. And that someone will turn out to be a family full of small children and pregnant women. -_-
Anyway.
SOON.

When I got into  the shower, and after drinking a ton of water, I weighed 154.4.
:D
Ha-ha. Take THAT dumb me! >:D
Eating a salad and apple tomorrow and thats all.
Fasted today.
I'll eat some more at my grandmas on sunday.
Then fasting monday.
Maybe end up eating a little tuesday night? If we end up drinking. Hopefully not.
Probably eating on weds because mom has off.

So I'm hanging out with that guy I work with on monday. The one who just broke up with his girlfriend? Well, he says  theyre just "on a break," which is super sketch. I dont know how comfortable I am with this.
He didn't quite say its a date but its implied.
We're going to his house.
At like, 130 AM.
And he wants to watch a scary movie.
We're watching Paranormal activity 2.

Dont get me wrong. I LOVEEEE scary movies.
But.
Most of the time they aren't that scary.
Paranormal activity actually left me sleepless. It scared the shit out of me. I got literally, NO sleep the night I watched it. SHIT.
KFLDSHJG

Haha but we'll see how it goes. He's been sending me some really flirty texts.
"lol lamesauce?? [After I replied "lamesauce" to something] Wow u make me laugh so much :) ur funny"
"No ! thank u! :) for being amazing!"
Then I said he was very sweet. ":D. Its kinda hard not to be especially with u! :D"
"No problem! :) Am I making u smile?? or blush? Haha"
Laterrrr ":D heheheheheheh... hi! :) lol"
So I said "Haha HIHIHI! :D" Then he replied with "Haha that was cute :) lol"
"Gosh its weird because everytime I read ur texts I smile!"

Hum hum hum. Sooo.... given that... I think he thinks of it more as a date.
I dont know how I feel about that.
We'll see how it goes I guess.

PANIC PANIC PANIC

Relationships.

Worked out for 2 hours today. Idk how many cals I burned. I'm shaking.
160.4 right now. UGH.
Havent eaten yet.
NOT GOING TO EAT TODAY OR TOMORROW.
I WILL not!

I found someone to cover a chunk of my shift tonight so I can make it to band practice. Thus NOT getting yelled at. = ]

The guy that covered my shift is the one that keeps flirting with me. Who has a girlfriend.
but. Today he texted me and said he was breaking up with her because it wasnt working out, but he felt bad anyway.
Then he asked me if I wanted to hang out sometime. Well, he didn't really ask. He said "We should hang out soon too u are a good person"
First. How hard is it to type out words? I dont get it.
Second. You havent even broken up with her yet, which kinda bugs me.
I said sure though. He IS very nice, and a little bit awkward, but we'll see.

Hum. Also, he said I need to give him a hug for taking my shift, and I told him I would give him one anyway because he was feeling "down," as he put it.

I dont touch people.
I dont know why, really.
It just makes me uncomfortable.
Maybe its because I dont really trust people?
Maybe its because Im afraid that they will be repulsed by how fat I am.
I dont know.

I will not eat.
I can do this.
I WILL have control.
It's back. I am in control. 

Wintergirls

"The snow drifts into our zombie mouths crawling
with grease and curses and tobacco flakes and cavities
and boyfriend/girlfriend juice, the stain of lies. For one
moment we are not failed tests and broken condoms and
cheating on essays; we are crayons and lunch boxes and
swinging so high our sneakers punch holes in the clouds.

For one breath everything feels better.

Then it melts.

The bus drivers rev their engines and the ice cloud
shatters. Everyone shuffles forward. They don’t know
what just happened. They can’t remember."

[Negative self bashing]

Ive been eating too much.
Tisk tisk.

CONCERT IS IN LESS THAN 3 DAYS.
Im [hopefully] getting my next tattoo tomorrow morningggg. = ]

Im sore from working out. Like my back is just... ugh.

I had today off, so I read a bunch and played video games with my brother.
I finished the book "Feeling for Bones." It was okay. I still prefer Wintergirls. I have to read Wasted yet, but my library doesnt have a copy of it and such so I have to request it. LAME.

Im attempting to download a game. We'll see if it works. It better. I dont wanna wait an hour.

My life is boring.

Oh. My family decided they wanted to go to the KFC buffet for dinner tonight.
Disgusting.
Absolutely repulsive.

I'm so glad I'm vegan.
Not only did they have like, a whole slaughterhouse/chicken coop in a heater in the back, all the shit looked repulsive. You could see all their tiny bones. Really? I dont understand how people eat that.

SO All I had there was some corn, green beans, and a few pickles.
Then my mom bought me some potato fry stuff, and I looked through the nutritional info for "vegan" purposes, and they were 230 cals. I shared them with my brother.

It's the fucking peanut butter sandwich that killed me. JDSLAHJFLD
God damn it. Why is peanut butter so high calorie? DAMN IT.
-----

I decided to weigh myself tonight.
Bad idea.
Good idea.
I dont know.

Im about to fucking cry.
I am crying.

Im just so fucking mad and disappointed with myself.
Im very upset.

One hundred and sixty three fucking pounds.
163.0.
Such a round, fat number, dont you think?

I couldnt realize why ive felt so fucking fat these last couple of days. I thought it was just getting close to that time of the month or something.

The way my thighs jiggled when I work something above the knee.
The way my arms bulged.
The way my pants dug into my skin. The dreaded muffin top.
The way my torso just looked short and fat.

But worst of all: my face.
Looks fucking huge. My cheeks look massive. I cant see my jawline very well. I have no cheekbones. Fat fucking cheeks. No definition. Just fat fucking globs of fat mushy SHIT.

My collar bone doesnt stick out enough. Or like, at all.


Nope. No tattoo tomorrow.
No eating tomorrow.
1.5 hours of working out. Plus the walking im going to be doing.

I'm not getting that tattoo until I get back down to 149.9.
I'm not going to go get my hair or eyebrows done until 139.9.
I'm done. I'm done fucking around. Im sick  of fucking eating.

Tomorrow:
Wake up at noon.
Take appetite suppressant.
Work out [1 workout video, learn the next one, then do that one, then stretching, so 1 hr 45 min? Burning [estimated] 1800 cals.Prolly less because Im a fat fuckup who cant do anything right]
Maybe do some sit ups/pushups
prolly go on PT.
Go to work- Walk there, walk back to my house to pick up my trombone for rehearsal, go to practice, walk back to work, then maybe walk home.
Take more appetite suppressant.
More PT.
Bed.

Then repeat.
I'm not eating at all tomorrow. I swear. Prolly not eating saturday either.


Sorry this was so negative.
Take care. 

Drinkign until i puke?

Hopefully. 

Work sucked. worked out. Ate tooo much,.drank. Here I am. 

Hum.

Hope you are all okay,

Well hum. I have a lot to say.

Went drinking last night.
We hottubbed and now my ears are all full of water. I helped my gay friend get some. = ]
I have a ton of bruises and I have no idea what theyre from.
Went home and bought my mom breakfast on the way. She bitched because I didnt get her what she liked.

went to my sisters to work on the TURBOFIRE WORKOUT.
We ended up getting distracted and went to the store to buy cantaloupe.
Got distracted again and bought a ton of fruit.

Ate all of it.
UGH.

Then I hung out with my brother for a bit.
I was so proud. We had chalk and the first thing he wrote was,
"It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M."
:D

He wanted to go bike, but I'm too big for his bike, so I followed him on a scooter.

When was the last time you were on a scooter?
That shit is fucking terrifying. Goddamn. I fell and scraped my knee.

then we went walking and went to the library.

Came home and did some of the workout, then went and cleaned some.
I went on the roof and cleaned out the gutters and gunk off the roof.

I've never been on a roof before, so it was interesting. It was pretty fun. = ] I got to watch the sun set from the roof. :D
I also cut my foot on a nail. Owwwwieee.

Then I went to a restaurant with my older sister.
INTERESTING.

We  talked for like, 2 hours.
We were talking about eating disorders. I told her I strugglED with bulimia last year, and then brought it into the present tense eventually.
She just doesn't eat I guess.

Remember a while back when I said my sister passed out at school? It was because she hadn't eaten in like, a week.

I told her about PT and my worries for our other sister and brother.

It was just interesting to realize that it really IS genetic. Hum. I dont know.
Interesting. 

Fasted today.

Proud of myself. = ]
But I DID down half a gallon of chocolate soy milk. I forgot the calorie count, but it was a lot. Most of it was last night. I kept waking up SUPER thirsty.

Fasting most of the day tomorrow I think? if not more? I dont know. Im drinking tomorrow night, so we'll see what I do. I'm gonna try and fast again though. I bought me a pack of gum so I think Im all set.

Getting my next tattoo on thurs. :D
PANIC CONCERT IN 6 DAYS.

My turbo fire came today. :D But I cant use it until monday. = [
Might take my sisters senior pics on weds.


Work today sucked. Like a lot. It was steady all day, so I couldnt get anything done, and I was just all crabby all day.
I have a thousand cuts and bruises. LAME.

Just kidding. I have 2 bruises [quarter size at least] and 22 cuts. I just counted. Only 7 hurt though.
Bah.

Hum hum hum.

Im gonna check PT really quick, then go to bed. Work early. LAME.

But then drinking. :]

I miss this.

I miss feeling hungry. And I know it sounds SUPER cliche, but I miss my hunger pains.

I feel just.. So happy. So right. Normal. I feel like Im doing something right. Finally.
Been looking at thinspo and such all day. I feel great. = ]

New month. [9 DAYS!]

NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE! SO CLOSE!
PANIC!
PANIC AT THE DISCO!
SOOON = ] <3

Immma go tanning when Im done typing this. After my next two sessions, I think I'll be good. 

Anyway. I went and talked to an old teacher of mine. She's amazing and pretty much psychic. She helped me plan my life. 

Go to the crappy "transition" [as she called it] college in town and get my AA degree there. 

She said I will know what to do with my life after that year. 

She said to have fun this summer, and go with light flirting [regarding men].

She said not to date until a year has passed, because I need to give myself plenty of time to get over it. 

Then, I am allowed to date [Haha] after that year is up, ONLY IF that man comes into MY life, and without me going out of my way for it. 

She said that the man I marry won't be anyone I know now. 

WHEW. I feel a lot better after talking to her. We kind of closed the convo after that because I was about to cry and such. I dont know. With the whole breakup thing Im still whining about and just the RELIEF of having everything planned... It just made things better. 

Then I went with my mom, sister and brother to the park. We had subway. Gwen and I almost have all her senior picture stuff planned. 

Anyway, Gwen and I went to the dollar store afterwards and bought $30 worth of pretty much useless shit. Hah. Then we stumbled on stumbleupon for a bit, and watched youtube for a bit. [She hadn't seen NicePeter's Epic Rap Battles of History or Sassy Gay Friend, so we watched all of those. lol] 

Then [awkward story], we were gonna go to panic atthe disco's website, so I typed in the letter "P" in the address bar, and I have google chrome and guess what popped up? Thats right. Prettythin.com. 

HAH. AWKWARD. She didnt say anything but... I dont know. IT was there for a while and Im pretty positive she saw it. Oh well. 

My workout video hasn't come yet. Maybe today? Tuesday by the latest.
Which transitions me into my other topic...

Yesterday was a huge binge day. 

but guess what? It's a new month. Fuck it. I've got this now. 

A new month. Get back on track. 

Diet pills and workout video.
I'm done fucking binging. DONE. 

I need to stop purging, too. My teeth hurt after I've done it. 

So. I'll keep my weight up for motivation, because its so gross. 

This morning, June 2, I weighed NOT 130, my goal by this time. 

NOT 137.6, my low weight. 

Not even 148, a normal BMI. 

A sickening 155.4 lbs. 

DISGUSTING. 

Getting back on track though. This shit has got to stop. Im done.