I'm so cranky all the time.

Sean and I have been fighting a lot again. I don't even really know why he's mad, but he keeps ignoring me and there is nothing I hate more than being ignored. It drives me crazy. 

I'm on edge. Like bad. I shake all the time and I'm always so tired and I always feel either angry or like I'm about to burst into tears. 

I'm working 48 hours a week, 6 days a week, and going to school full time. I have classes three days a week, plus an online class due the next day, plus a group project I have to work on on Friday. 

Good news is that 18 of me credits transferred from my last college, putting me at 50 out of 92 credits for my associates degree. I am on track to graduate next June. 

I hate my job. I'm cranky all the time. I'm significantly less cranky on Monday, but by Friday I'm just a rancid bitch. I hate my job so much. I work with my man and we just argue all the time. I feel like he treats me unfairly, and he thinks I don't follow orders and I am insubordinate. My supervisor is a total asswipe and I can't stand him at all. 

I've been looking for a new job and I have a good lead at a government receptionist job, with lots of internal contacts and a rock solid application and resume. 

I have so much homework. I feel like I'm drowning in it. It's inly week three and I'm already three assignments behind. I'm so tired all the time and I can't focus in anything. We had a test on Wednesday and I could barely see the words. I couldn't focus at all. 

I've been getting in average four hours of sleep a day, and the one day I have off I end up sleeping all day. I started taking adderall this week and it's not really doing anything. I still can't focus, but my tummy feels weird and I'm super fidgety. 

I have a consultation with a therapist in Monday, maybe then I can finally get my shit together. 

It's not fair. This is the year I wa supposed to get all my shit together and it was going to be great. Instead, I can't find any apartments in my price range and interests, I'm still working at this job I hate, my boyfriend and I are still arguing a lot, and I'm constantly exhausted. 

I feel like I'm going to puke. 

I want to go sit somewhere and cry. 

I feel like everything is being bottled up and just about to explode, and the one personi who can make me feel better and help me and calm me down isn't even talking to me. 

I can't do this. It's not fair. I'm going to pack everything up and move to Australia. 

Cause I got a cute face and my booty so fat

I tried a raw vegan restaurant today, it was awful. 

I shame ate four doughnuts in my car, it was awesome. 

Then i purged. Purging just gives me so much control, it's... Empowing? I don't know. 

My car has been at the mechanic for the last two months. I needed a new engine. My baby is finally back though ($1200 later). 

Sean and I decided that we can't work together. We just argue the whole time. We're trying to find a place to live together but we haven't had much luck so far. 

I wish I could just get up and move to the cities and start over brand new. 

School is killing me. I've just finished the first week of the new quarter and I'm already drowning in homework. I have class Monday and weds 845 to 1030 am, Tuesday 6'to 1010 pm, and I work Sunday night through Saturday morning 11 pm to 7 am. Plus my online class homework is due Thursday nights, and I have to work on a group project every Friday at 2 pm, right in the middle of my sleep. 

PLUS trying to balance a relationship,and social life (what social life?)

I'm drowning. I'm trying to find a new job because Im quickly starting to hate mine. 

I need to lose hella weight, because I'm heavier now than I have been in years and it's killing me. I just want to be smoking hot is that too much to ask for ??? Plus, with my life spiraling out of my control, I need to be able to control something. I feel like my skin is too tight for my body. There's too much oozing under it and it's like my skin is about to burst. 

Relapse

I just purged for the first time in... A long time. More than a year. 

Since I've comeback from my cruise, I've put on 20 lbs. 

I just weighted myself and I'm at 181.4 lbs. 

Nope nope nope nope nope nope

Omfg I'm so fucking fat

Seriously. 

This has got to stop. 

No more eating out, I should save the money anyway. 

Go to sleep hungry. 

Wake up and eat a little. 

Eat some before work, not at work. 

Foods to blacklist: 

Fries

Shakes

Cheese (adding to things, like salads, pasta, sandwiches, etc) 

Pizza only once a week (let's be real, I can't cut it out entirely)

Chocolate (with the exception of what I have in the house or I'll break and binge, and then Easter candy) 

Chips

I feel,awful, my sex life is awful and it's killing my relationship. I'm not confident, none of my damn pants fit, and my big pants are getting tight.move literally been wearing only yoga pants for the last three months. 

Summer is coming, and I am literally huge. I haven't weighed this much in over a year, and then it was not for like a week. Otherwise it was in 2010. 

I can't do this

I give up

What is the point of even going to class. I'm just basically taking generals right now and I was going to go change my major on Friday anyway.

I'm failing math right now anyway so I'm not even going to go. If they don't kick me out then I'll take that as a sign. Every day I have class I get about four hours of sleep, then I have to go work an eight hour shift and I'm so goddamn fucking tired. 

I wanted to go for tax prep, and to get a job at h&r block you have to go take a class anyway. So I may as well just take the class and skip all the school bullshit. But I'm already more than $20,000 in debt so I may as well get something out of it. Or I could quit while I'm still in the 5 digit numbers. 

I'm so tired I just can't do it

Why bother

Fuck it fuck it fuck it

And what are the odds that I'm going to a) actually get a job in my field and b) get a job that pays enough more than the $13.27 I'm getting right now.

Not that good

Three hours of sleep.

So sleepy. It's so hard sleeping alone, especially when youre used to sleeping next to someone. 

This quarter im taking a math class,Professional communications II, and composiition. I just registered for next quarter: Spanish I (online) business ethics (online) and business law. Its 13 credits, more than full time, and im working  6 days/48 hours a week. I work third shift (11 pm to 7 am)  and my classes are 6 to ten. thats like 6 AM.

ive had so much damn coffee, but im still falling asleep. 

I also set an appointment with the chair head. Im an accounting major right now but I dont know if thats what i really want. 

An update: this should have posted a week ago.

School is slowly killing me. 

I feel like I'm regressing to the state I was in a few years ago. Some days are easy, some not so easy. It's a not so easy week. 

I'm just tired. I'm always tired. My back is killing me like hella. It's this scoliosis junk. I should see a chiropractor. I should be doing homework that's due in two hours. But like usual I'm not going to do it until after it's due and I'll continue to drown in this mountain of burdens. 

I started my blog February, 2011, after a particularly hard break up. Since then, my low weight has been 140.2, my high weight has been 188, but averages around 163. I've been suicidal, I've self harmed, I've purged blood, I've pulled until I had a nosebleed. 

I've been in three steady relationships since then. I dropped out of college, I've reenrolled in college, I've moved in with a boyfriend, I had a different one move in with me. 

Right now, I just got back from a cruise to the Bahamas. I've been saving for this for a year now. We flew from Minnesota to New Orleans, then took off and spent a day in the Florida keys, Nassau, and another day on a private Caribbean island. It was a nice break. It wasn't so much as getting a break though it was more like pausing my life for a week, fast forwarding to summer, then jumping back to the sub zero Minnesota winter. 

Anyway, to update:

I am sylvia. I am 21 years old and a vegetarian. I blog a lot. I work at a place where we manufacture atv/UTV roofs and doors for places like John Deere, Polaris, and arcticat. I make cupcakes for everyone's birthdays. I work the third shift (11 pm to 7 am) and I work six days a week. I make 13.27/hr, which is a lot better than the 9 I was making in fast food. I have class 3 days a week from 6 to 10 pm.

I have 7 tattoos; one on each collarbone, one on my shoulder, one on each foot, one on the back of my neck, and one on my arm. 

I've been dating a man, Sean, for more than a year now. He is 28 next month and I love him. He wants to get engaged before the end of this year. He's not a child like all the other men I've dated. We're moving in together later in the spring. I would marry him if he asked me to. I think I'm ready for it. We wouldn't get married until 2015, so I would be 23, and my mom pretty much stopped having kids by then. 

I'm like an adult and junk now, and I'm finally getting my life together. 

Some days it's harder than other, and some days it's not so hard. 

I'm so tired

I'm going back to school full time and I'm working full time and I don't know how much longer I can do this. 

I'm tired. 

So tired. 

I'm going for accounting and I still have like, 3 and a half years left. I've barely made it half a year. 

What's the goddamn point. It's just useless. It's so hard and I just can't do it. 

Ive got to tap out. 

My back hurts so badly. My body hurts all over. I'm so tired. 

So tired. 

I just had four days off for thanksgiving and it wasn't enough. 

So tired. 

School is such a waste of time. Such a waste of money. What the hell am I doing and what is the point. 

I don't care. 

I'm too tired. 

Master of puppets, youre pulling the string

My phone synced with something and added a bunch of pictures from my  blogger, so I was looking through them and oh boy.

I thought I was  triggered before.

It had a bunch of thinspo on there, but more importantly, pictures of me at my low weight. Good ones.

Ugh oh my  god that was thirty lbs ago and I would literally kill for that. And in those I'm wearing the bracelets I wore when I cut a lot.

So thats triggering too. I'm thinking about making new ones.

I haven't purged in like two months, but holy shit I forgot how  badly I  wanted this. How bad I need this.

I want to push everyone away from me. I want an apartment I dont have to share. But I need a car first. Ugh seriously I'm.21 in like two months and I still have no car. Woooow.

I'm stuck  at the same weight I always get stuck on. Its so frustrating.
I miss the way my jeans didn't dig into my fat. I miss how loose they would get.

Fuck I need to pull myself together.

Well fine fuck you

Dont  forget, you were the one who broke up with me. you were the one that moved out. I just didn't take you back and that  makes me the villian? Thats bullshit and you KNOW it.

I'm the bitch? I've been completely passive this whole time. I've left you alone because I know its for the best in the long run. youre just a spoiled child. Thats what our whole relationship was. It was just me  taking care of a rich mommas boy and failing at it over and over again.

Nothing I ever did was right or good enough. I worked too much  even though I was the one paying for everything. We had sex too much then not enough. I didn't do this  enough and I should  have done that more.  I didn't dress up enough but I dressed up for stupid things. I  wore too much  makeup or not enough.

I'm fucking sick of being treated like its my job to take care of these needy fucking bitch men. Its not fair to me. Who the hell  takes care of me? Fuck, I can't even take care of me, obviously my  bodys a fucking wreck, just like I am.

But its fine you know. I'll just sit back and take the blame for everything, just like always. Stupid silly girl. Sit back and take it like the bitch you are. Then smile like nothing is  wrong and pretend to care about everyone elses shit.

But god  forbid anyone take care of me. Its too much to fucking ask for someone to pay attention to me, give me a little time out of their day,  maybe ask how mine was but actually care.

Hurt

This weekend was my 21st birthday. I had fun overall but the after math is messy. 

The thing I was looking forward to the most was a romantic, candle lit dinner with the man I love. I went to get a new tattoo first, and It took a  lot longer than expected. 

My boyfriend was mad because I missed it he said. He said everything was ruined and it was all my fault. So I went to go over anyway and he told me to go home. 

So I missed the most important thing all weekend. No dinner. No candles. No flowers. No crappy horror movies. 

Instead, I laid in bed and cried. And cut. For the first time in a really, really long time. 

He made me go to a party, and we argued and made up and got drunk. My friends took me home and we continued the weekend we had planned. 

So I went to my man's this morning and he had something to tell me. This girl we work with  was flirting and talking to him all night and he almost kissed her, but she stopped him. then he took her back to his place where he said she just slept on the couch. 

I have a right to be hurt though, yeah? I feel betrayed. I know he didn't actually do anything but it's still shitty. I asked him why and he said he was drunk and mad at me. 

I should be mad, right?  It's bullshit that I didn't get to come over and have a nice birthday dinner, but some other woman did?  And like everyone at work knows about it, too. A couple people are betting on whether or not they slept together. 

I already told him I was  mad and that we needed to talk later, but I don't know if I'm going to talk to that girl too.  I thought she was cool before and now I just hate her guts.  she said she's been with this guy for two years but my boyfriend said he thinks she's single and just lying. 

I don't know. I'm just upset. 

Omfg

Youre so perfect I can't even take it.
I'm such a potato.

You dont even realize how completely flawless you are.

I dont deserve this

Typical

I'm the other girl. I'm always the other girl. Never the first choice. Im  always the girl someone just settles for. I should be used to it by now.

this is why I should never fucking get attached. This is what happens. Every. Damn. Time.  I'm too fucking naive. I trust people too easily and it bites me in the ass every time.

I get hurt over and over and over again. I knew I should have stepped away. I knew I should have backed off as soon as he told me there was another girl.  Fuck, I'm stupid.

I got attached anyway and look where I am now. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I thought he was different, and he is, thats what makes everything awful.

He proved that not all guys are the same. he proved that some guys are just genuinely nice. And I lost it.

I'm not going to be that girl. I'm not going to make him choose between us, because thats not fair. Maybe things could be different if he didn't have a child with her. Maybe then things would be different. Maybe then.

shes a bitch. Thats what I honestly think, and I think he deserves better. But I'm not going to poison him against her. Thats not fair. If he decides he didn't  want to be ruth get, then fine, but I'm not going to encourage him otherwise. Too many guys have done that too me (phil), and I'm not going to be like that. I can't do it.

I'll be the bigger person and let it lie, as much as it hurts me to do so.

God damn it. This is why I can't get attached.

This is why I need to stop being so god damn stupid.

He looks so sad, it breaks my heart. Well, even more. It shouldn't be this god damn hard. Its not fair.

Its not fair that someone so perfect can come into my life when I need him most, and then leave as soon as I'm attached. Its not fair.

I need to cut. Really badly. I can feel myself panicking and about to cry.

I can't do this. I can't work with him and keep my focus. It wont work. I've already started fucking up.

I'm never changing who I am

I dont want to be with her.
I dont want to do anything with her.
I honestly dont think shes as great as you say.

I dont want her to feel left out.
I dont want to feel like a second choice. Like the other girl.

I dont want her to feel like the only reason youre staying with her is the baby.
I dont want you to leave her.
I dont want you to leave me.
I dont want you to leave your family.
I dont want to share you.

I dont know if I can share you.

I just want things to be simple.
Things would be much more simple if I didn't feel.
Things would be simpler if you were an ass.

Things would be simpler if I was thinner.
Things would be simpler if I threw up anything I managed to eat.
Things would be simpler if I lived alone.
Things would be simpler if I was skinnier than her.

Things would be simpler if I was prettier than her.

Things would be simpler if I was the girl you thought I was.

Anxiety

I feel claustrophobic. I feel suffocated and like I can't breathe.

My clothes are all too tight.

God, I'm stupid.

I just dont have words right now.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I'm  already fucking everything up. Of course.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

This is why I can't care. This is why I should end this. But then he smiles at me and I just melt and I  forget all the reasons why I had doubts.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Its been a while. Again.

Long story short, phil is an ass. I should have realized, I should have been less naive. Stupid, silly girl.

I'm falling for someone else, and phil is pissed. I haven't heard from him in two weeks. Fine then, be that way.

But I can't do this again.  I can't let myself feel again. I can't get hurt again. Hes got a family, a fiancee, a 3 month old daughter. I'm not going to break up a family. If it comes to me or his family, I won't let him choose me.

I can't do this. I dont deserve it. I dont deserve to be happy, or to have someone so nice to me. I deserve someone awful.

Why won't my body and my soul listen to my brain? I'm just confused and hurt and I ache.

My whole body hurts from working out. My throat hurts from purging. My stomach aches from not eating.

I dont deserve his compliments. I'm a potato. A dog.

Thanksgiving is in like... A week.

And I'm not nearly close to my goal.

Purged today. Purging mozzarella sticks is awful. Just awful. But I can't gain any more weight.

I need to fast. Until like, thanksgiving. That sounds like a  good idea. Unrealistic for my weak, fat ass.

I feel dizzy. Lalala.

I wonder how much of this weekend I can sleep through.

Were going dancing on friday. I'm sober cab this time. Thats okay I guess. Then I won't feel sick and have to eat.

I have to stay strong. I  have to remember how much I want this. How much I need it.

I dont know whats going on.

I dont know what  I want. I dont know who I want. I dont  know where I'm going or how I'm going to get there or what I'm going to do when I get there.

I dont know if I've made the right decisions, or if I'm making awful mistakes.

They say anorexia is a slow form  of suicide. I think thats true.

I'm not going to meet my thanksgiving goal. I'm at 169 right now. Its been a binge weekend. I've purged a few times. Not enough.

Dear lord, I swear, all my family does is eat. I'm going to have to be sleeping all next weekend.

I read john greens the faults in our stars and looking for alaska. They were good.

I never want to eat again.

I dont like relationships, but I dont like being alone.

I can't go out tonight.

I look awful.

I'm such a dog. Disgusting. Awful.
I'll post a picture later.
Edit: I look like a whale.

I lost my best friend.

"Nobody said it was easy.
Its such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh take me back to the start."

I hurt so bad. And I'm all alone. And I have to act like I dont care.
And its just so fucking hard.

I want to go back. Beg for forgiveness. Tell him I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I miss him so much.

I've lost my best friend.

I can't sleep.
I can't eat.

And everytime he texts me, it just hurts. Because I'm trying all the time not to text him, and its okay if I dont think about it. I'm okay. But when I do its just like my heart is breaking. Ripped into pieces. Shredded.

And it hurts.
So bad.
Fuck.

This is why I hate relationships.
This is why I should just be alone.

Then theres no hurt. No heartbreak.

I keep remembering when he begged me to take it back. Take back everything he said. And I just shook my head.

God, I miss him so much.
And knowing hes hurting as bad as I am makes it worse.
Knowing that he wants to take everything back just kills me.

I'm so tired. And I ache all over.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.  its killing me. I hurt so bad and I know you could make it all better if you were here.

What have I done. I love you so much. You were my best  friend, and now we can't even talk.

I can't even think about it.

I'm numb. I dont think about anything. Then I dont hurt so bad.

I can't talk to anyone. I dont have anyone to talk to. I'm alone.
And I know you are too.

I dont want to be with anyone else. I know you think I do, but I dont. I just want you.

But it can't happen. We can't be together.

Unknown.

They pushed his court date back another month.

I dont know if I should take it as a blessing or not. I dont know if I should go to a church or not. I just dont know.

I think I'll go a few times. Show that I'm serious, even though I didn't get quite the results that I wanted.

He looks happy. We were making jokes in the court, rated the women who were on trial. The lawyer was a 7, no one else was above a 3.

He looked over at me more than the other two girls who were there for him.
One is the married girl he slept with. He barely looked at her. Heh heh.

Whenever I look at her, I just imagine them having sex, and it makes me feel sick. I  wonder when the last time they had sex was. I dont know if I want to know.

Tired. So tired.

I went to taco johns with my sister. I couldn't eat all my food.

Weight steady around 165. I have until thanksgiving to drop ten. 15 by december 1st.

My body is sore from yoga.
Might go to the club tonight for a friends 21st birthday. Maybe. I'm so tired though.

I  have to help my sister move in this weekend.